Wastinglife

I am fully functional now. Slept 8 hours soundly. Woke up. Had a coffee and bagel instead of my usual run to the liquor store or pub as soon as I wake up. I am now waiting in the barbershop for a long overdue haircut.

If I was feeling withdrawal symptoms, coffee and a haircut wouldn't even enter my mind.

Wastinglife

After my haircut, I walked up Toronto's main street and decided to go to the Eaton Centre which is a massive indoor mall in the heart of downtown Toronto. It has the most annual traffic of any mall in North America. Imagine what's it's like a few days before Christmas. I bought myself a shirt and got out of there fast. Now at the movies and Star Wars is about to start. A much better distraction. Although, I bought a VIP theater ticket where you can actually order alcoholic drinks and have them delivered right to your seat. I said no to the server. That was tough.

Auchieshuggle

You're doing well. Enjoy the film...though I heard it's rubbish!

Dee74

I'm glad you're feeling better - thats usually the best time to start thinking about how you'll stay sober?

D

Anna

I'm really glad to hear that you're feeling better, WL. It might be a good idea to think about how you will get through the next few days and weeks. Can you come up with a plan for how to stay sober that will work for you?

Wastinglife

It was actually the best Star Wars episode since Empire Strikes Back! Trust me on this. I have ADHD so if it sucked, I would have fallen asleep haha. I barely took my eyes off the screen.

Rest of week, I have to do the things I've been neglecting for ages. My apartment needs to be cleaned. It's not fit for any human to live in! I have money to buy some new clothes which I desperately need. All funds I get always go to booze. Even if there isn't a single morsel of food to eat in my apartment and I was down to my last 20 dollars, I would use it for beer.

Now that I am detoxed, I can prioritize

HeadEast

I was waiting for that update!!!

Dee74

No one wants to see you in the place you've just been man. This is not a video game and no one gets unlimited lives.

Do things & enjoy life by all means - but think about what you'll need to stay sober - sober forever -too.

Maybe it's more support, maybe it's changes to your life, maybe it's talking to to people who can help with your mental health as well?

D

Sober369

Hi Wasting. So good to hear from you and I'm so glad you made it back. I hope you can put together a sobriety plan and stick to it. Cleaning your apartment and buying clothes is good stuff, but I hope you'll add some recovery related things. Prioritizing only helps you stay sober if you are making staying sober the number one priority. Believe me, I have learned that the hard way!

Wastinglife

I actually go to AA meetings almost daily when I am sober. I think the steps and sponsorship I will avoid. Tried it twice with 2 different sponsors but they start to lose me when they bring up God/higher power. For example, my most recent sponsor told me to "ask your higher power" when I brought up an anxiety attack I was having. The sponsor I had before insisted that I say the 3rd step prayer on my knees as soon as I wake up every morning. Just can't do it. It's just that I believe Alcohol Use Disorder is a mental disorder. It's listed in the DSM manual. Spirituality won't work just like it won't work for Bi-polar Disorder or Schizophrenia.

Just what my belief system is. For someone who is spiritual or believes in God, it seems to work.

Dee74

I wasn't an AAer but I did read the Big Book.

When I was newly sober I considered the folks here my collective Higher Power. It worked.

Others may have different ideas but I knew I wasn't the most powerful thing in the Universe.

Wastinglife

I tried to use the community of AA in general or Group. Of. Drunks (G.O.D.). But that never stopped me from accepting an invite from an old friend in town for a visit. I need to get out and just enjoy myself, forget about things once in a while. Coffee with AA people who are essentially strangers gets boring after a while. And I have done the coffee thing a few times.

I've been living in near total social isolation since 2011. My former career in finance is finished for good. I'll never be hired again given my history and the fact I'm 43. I have done at least 100 interviews. Job offers get rescinded after I fail the vetting process. 4 job offers with big financial companies rescinded their offers. The fact I have such barriers to meaningful employment is the main issue that I drink over to be honest. I feel like a total failure

Dee74

I don't think you're a failure. You still have several chapters left to write

I lived in isolation for 5 years as a drinker - home to liquor store and back again mostly.

When I looked at it that way staying away from drinkers and alcohol for a few more months wasn't that much of an ask.

I did go out - but I went to things were alcohol wasn't - picnic, museums, galleries, cafes.

I did some volunteering to make a connection with others in my community and I hooked up again with old friends who I'd drifted away from over my drinking.

Someone here recently said they got back into employment at an entry level job. It's not finance but it could be a start to something else.

I know from past discussions some of those things aren't suitable for you...but you drinking can't be your best life.

Find out what your best life is man.

Give it some time.
Have some faith in not drinking.
See what happens.

D

getright15

Just to add it doesnt get any better. I've been to the hospital countless times for drinking. Detox, banana bags, Diabetic Keto Acidosis (life threatening and on the verge of going into septic shock. Alcohol is nothing nice and I never want to drink again

Wastinglife

I was just doing some research on a prescription the ER doctor gave me last Thursday besides a 2 day supply of valium. He told me to start taking it after the valium had gotten me through the withdrawal symptoms.

The drug is called Gabapentin. It's main use is as an anti-epileptic medication. I have had 2 seizures in my life but they were while I was on magic mushrooms as a university student and the other on amphetamines.

I don't have epilepsy but there seems to be growing evidence that Gabapentin has an alternative benefit for Alcohol Use Disorder. I read quite a bit of testimonials from alcoholics on how it really helped with cravings.

As I mentioned before, today I was walking all over downtown Toronto and resisted the urge to drink at every opportunity.

The movie theatre I went to had a lounge bar and will serve you right in your seat before the movie begins. The people beside me actually had a full pitcher of beer delivered to them with pint glasses.

I am actually astonished with myself that I didn't bite. I was alone and no one would care if I ordered a beer. I didn't even sit for a pint at the lounge. Something I would do without any hesitation previously. I have been on dates before where I tell her I am going to the washroom and run out and order a shot of tequila or gin and tonic. I would be back in my seat within 5 minutes.

This is my second day taking Gabapentin and it really seems to be affecting my reward seeking behaviours. Especially since I have plenty enough money to go on a bender.

I do feel very different. Never been able to just resist opportunity after opportunity to drink.

Humm.....that doctor may be on to something

Wastinglife

Upon further review, looks like Gabapentin can have abuse potential. Doctor gave me a 2 week supply. Just enough to get me through the whole withdrawal/detox period without drinking. That seems practical. Better than 2 weeks of Valium I'm sure.

Kaily

I truly hope you make the most of this golden opportunity to get sober.

Jules714

The only requirement for AA is a desire to stop drinking.
A higher power is a power greater than yourself. That's it. Not anyone else's Higher Power, your own.
I have heard people say that something kept them alive when they should for all intents, be dead, and that is their higher power. AA wants to see you sober, not following a particular God. That's all.
You're doing great!! And if you take gabapentin as prescribed, you will be fine. You have a short prescription. Glad to "see" you sleeping, eating and getting out there, living!!
Good stuff!!
J

Wastinglife

I have been going to AA for 4 years. Had 2 home groups and 2 sponsors. My 2nd sponsor 'fired' me a month ago because I didn't show up for a step meeting. It was the one year anniversary of my mother's death and I was too intoxicated to even leave the house. I had also just done my 4th step. Dude is such a hypocrite. He was homeless at one point for christ's sake. I get wasted once and the dude tells me he can't sponsor me anymore. I texted him "F*ck AA". But I was obviously drunk and grieving.

That's why I am skeptical of sponsors and the steps.

Also, I can't hold hands in a circle and say the serenity prayer as an atheist. I always have to leave 5 minutes early.

Otherwise, I enjoy the meetings and have gotten to know quite a few people over the last 4 years. It's just that I keep relapsing. ADHD and chronic unemployment eat away at me. I've been fired from my last 4 jobs for drinking.

Wastinglife

I also think I have PTSD. Almost died 3 years ago from hypothermia after falling in lake Ontario in February. In there 10 minutes before firefighters pulled me out. A secret I have had to bear ever since