HeadEast

Best comment in this thread.

Wastinglife

I have done service work at AA. Being first at the meeting to set up chairs, last to leave after clearing up. Did that for 6 months. Thought about volunteering but I raise so many red flags that I can't pass even a cursory background check. Those things don't do much for the alcoholism lurking inside me. I still spend every birthday and holiday sitting home alone. They did nothing for the hopelessness I feel when I have to volunteer because no one will hire me. Not even McDonald's would give me a job. I'm 43. Time is running out. Already too old for entry level jobs

Dee74

Its a leap of faith I think?

I had to stay sober for things to change, and I had to stay sober long enough for things to change and get better,

A lot of my first year was all about just not drinking and having faith things would get better.

In my second year they did.

A long time in some ways maybe but not against the 20 years I drank.

ScottFromWI

That is true - volunteer work will not cure your addiction. Having said that, pretty much every single person here on SR has alcoholism lurking within - I know I do. I was right around your age exactly when I quit for good in 2013, and many wait until their 50s, 60s or even older to quit. AKA, it's never too late.

The bottom line though, is that if you keep lurking in self-pity and finding excuses why things wont work - you'll likely get similar results to what you've gotten in recent years. If I remember correctly, you were actually sober for a pretty lengthy period a few years back, right?

What exactly are you seeking now that you are back out of detox? If you are looking for someone to tell you that you should just keep drinking because you are destined to do so, you are in the wrong place. If you are looking to make a honest effort to get sober you hit the jackpot. Hope you choose the latter.

Delilah1

Hi WastingLife,

I’m glad you are here and posting, and also that you went to the ER.

I know this time of year can be difficult, but there are things you can do to try to get through it and ways to work on your recovery, it sounds like you have tried AA and inpatient in the past, they an be great supports, but only if you are ready to stop drinking/drugs for good.

I have found looking at life through a lens of gratitude can help to shift a negative mindset. You can always find something to be grateful for.
-You are sober today
-You received help from the ER
-You have a supportive online community here to support you

I am sure there are many things you can add to this list. Where are you currently living? Is it someplace you can stay for a bit?

Wastinglife

I am just starting day 2, so I am pretty depressed. So hard to do this alone. Family is not around or capable. We don't even talk really. Friends are living their lives with their wife/kids and can't do much for support. They have their own problems to worry about. Sponsors don't really work because I can't buy into the 12 steps. Tried twice but just doesn't make sense to me. I do enjoy the meetings though. As an atheist, the higher power concept doesn't work at all.

ReadyAtLast

Hi,
Maybe go to AA for the company and to meet like minded people, people who understand. I'm not in AA but have read about people who go even though they don't like/agree with it 'all' ''take what you need and leave the rest' or something. As you say you enjoy the meetings - it's a start and who knows what you might get out of it. Sure must be better than being alone and depressed.

NicLin

I am so sorry that you feel that you have no reason to stay sober. It hurts my heart to think that you are this alone. But you aren't, you have everyone here supporting you and wanting you to be better and live a life of peace and calm.

You can end the cycle, but you have to see it and want it. I see it in you, you have the hope to get better...if you didn't, you wouldn't be here with us, telling us your story. And the crazy thing, is that your story is much like ours. You have the proof right here on SR that you can experience all of this and still come out the other side.

I believe in you so much, I know that you can put yourself first and get better. You don't have to go to the hospital anymore, you don't have to hurt anymore.

You do need to find what works for you, a program that sticks. Have you tried hitting some meetings, sharing your experience and asking the room for help? You would see that people in those rooms are just like we are in here, they want you to succeed. Go. Ask for the help and get out of this hell you are living in.

You do not have to live like this anymore. You just have to choose not to.

I really hope that you try everything in your power to live life as you were meant to...happy, joyous and free.

Nic.

sugarbear1

You aren't too old for any job. You just need to obtain and maintain sobriety and doors will open up for you. I got sober at 50 and had to build a new life. Eight years later and I never would have thought my life could get this good! I started out at entry level jobs at age 51, when I was employable again.

You CAN do this, too!!!

Jules714

The end of my drinking was exactly as you described. Hearing and seeing things in the hospital for the umpteenth time.
That was 2.5 years ago, today.
It gets better. You'll get your life back if you work for it. And its work. But you can do it!
Jules

brighterday1234

Tetrax

Chin up Wastinglife, avoid that first drink and go easy on yourself this weekend.

Surrendered19

WL, can you just have one goal right now?? String together some sober days. That should be all you think about for the next several days. Right now your addict voice is doing a good job of wallowing in all of the reasons that we may as well keep drinking. I just turned 54 and let me tell you that you DO NOT want to drink for the next 10 years. Those were my really dark years and I don't know how I lived through them. Giving yourself 10 years of sobriety before you are my age would be an amazing gift to give yourself. Hang in there and stay here with us. Living Day 31 sober here after 30 years of drinking, the last 20 years being an alcoholic, and the last 10 years of that being an INSANE alcoholic. The last 31 days have been amazing.

Auchieshuggle

I want to reiterate this.

I wish you luck in the future.

VinnyMcM

Your current situation is like looking in a mirror for me. They wouldn’t let me drive home because I was so medicated. We’re going to get through this my friend!

SweatyHands

I’m also 43, and I also recently went to the ER with the worst alcohol related experience in a long series of what I thought were my “rock bottoms.” Rock bottom isn’t a good yardstick for me, because it can always get worse. But the first thing that I took away from my last ER visit is that I have physiologically altered myself, and another drink will kill me, one way or another. Time feels lime it’s running out sometimes. In fact, that was one of my self-pity stories that I used as an excuse to drink this last time. But no, we don’t get infinite do-overs. Having extreme alcohol poisoning simultaneously with withdrawal seizures and hallucinations brought a new clarity to me. I can never do this again. That’s a pretty good place to start from in my opinion. I have so e life threatening allergies, and I stay away from those allergens to stay alive. Now alcohol is on the list.

What do you need to stay sober this time?

Wastinglife

End of day 2. I was actually able to sleep for 5 hours straight thanks to the medication the hospital doctor gave me. Normally, I would be awake for 4-5 days and just crack, buy booze. Past trips to the ER, they didn't really care and just let me sit there for hours and send me home. I picked the right hospital this time. There are literally 4 or 5 hospitals all in the same area in Toronto. Right beside each other and the ER's are 5 minutes walking distance away.

I am pretty much back to the land of the living now. Ate almost an entire rotisserie chicken and watching the return of Eddie Murphy to SNL after 30 years which I somehow woke just in time to. Been waiting since September for this show

least

Glad you're starting day three now and have eaten and slept. Do you have any kind of plan for lasting sobriety? In my early days, I had weekly appointments with my addiction counselor and I also spent a lot of time here on SR, posting and reading.

I hope you'll do whatever it takes to maintain complete sobriety. It can be rough at first but it does get better.

ThatWasTheOldMe

I am also an atheist - for many reasons.

I attend AA meetings regularly - when they say God, I hear "the universe." You don't have to believe in Jesus to have a higher power. The higher power doesn't have to watch over you like an angel or a divine being.

It's just something that is bigger than you. When you get that desire to drink, just simply say "No - I committed to 24 hours sober this morning, and that's what I'm gonna do." Then you can add onto it with thoughts like, "Look at how tiny I am compared to the universe - compared to even a planet or a star system. There's no reason to drink today - let me enjoy my day."

Alcoholism and alcohol withdrawal will kill you. And it's a terrible way to die. Please look for ways that AA will help instead of letting those alcohol demons tell you it's impossible.

As an atheist that regularly attends meetings, I can attest that there is most certainly a causal relationship between my attendance of AA meetings and my continuous sobriety. And sadly, there's an opposite causal relationship too. When I blow it off, it's often because I want to drink. And that never turns out well.

MythOfSisyphus

I'm glad you're better, Wastinglife. I can understand the feeling that everything is pointless and a waste. IMO there's really no inherent meaning to it all, we have to choose/make a meaning and stick with that. Meaning you chose is no less valid than one revealed.