Not sure what ti do???
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 27
Not sure what ti do???
My name is Tracey, alcoholic/addict since I was 18. 49 now, alcohol is my primary substance but have also used prescription drugs, opiates, benzos, cocaine.the last year and half crystal meth daily. Had 1year sober 2012 to 2013, after attempting suicide and spending 5 weeks in the pysch ward. The last couple of years I stopped caring what happened, havent worked since last jan. I also suffer from anxiety, social anxiety and depression. Went to residential treatment for 3 weeks in may but relapsed 2.weeks after coming home. I have been trying to go to AA but anxieties have made it hard to go daily. I haven't been able to share yet in a group, I am.also fearful of crying in front of groups. Met a lady in the spring who offered to be my temp sponsor, she seemed great I had been able to call her and talk things thru so made sense. Was hopeful with a sponsor, I would be on the right track. But soon realized it wasn't what I expected, she only preferred to text not talk over phone. I needed the practice phoning, was also nervous about calling for help
She wasn't answering my texts consistently snd there seemed to be alot I couldn't discuss with her. For example if i brought up what i discussed with my addiction counsellor, she said she wasn't a therapist. She also encouraged me to only share personal things with her, shouldn't be discussing with others. (I only had 3 numbers and 1 was hers) i asked her a couple of times to discuss expectations, but never happened
Over roughly 6 months I relapsed a few times partly bad choices, I was frustrated that I struggled to share and frustrated with my sponsor. It was suggested I would need to prove I was trying before people would help me.in the end my sponsor fired me , she said she told me what to discuss and what she could do but I didnt seem to get it. So I am decided to stay away from meetings and another sponsor. Feel hopeless that I can find supports which o really need
She wasn't answering my texts consistently snd there seemed to be alot I couldn't discuss with her. For example if i brought up what i discussed with my addiction counsellor, she said she wasn't a therapist. She also encouraged me to only share personal things with her, shouldn't be discussing with others. (I only had 3 numbers and 1 was hers) i asked her a couple of times to discuss expectations, but never happened
Over roughly 6 months I relapsed a few times partly bad choices, I was frustrated that I struggled to share and frustrated with my sponsor. It was suggested I would need to prove I was trying before people would help me.in the end my sponsor fired me , she said she told me what to discuss and what she could do but I didnt seem to get it. So I am decided to stay away from meetings and another sponsor. Feel hopeless that I can find supports which o really need
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,784
Welcome to the family. 
You're not hopeless. It just feels that way right now. Get some sober time behind you and you'll likely feel a lot better. I hope our support can help you get sober for good. 
You're not hopeless. It just feels that way right now. Get some sober time behind you and you'll likely feel a lot better. I hope our support can help you get sober for good.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 2,426
That sounds really rough up to now Hoplesstap. I hope you give this site a try as a great means of support. I am newly sober and am amazed at what this site offers all of us. So many people on here with decades of sobriety willing to help and support us and, collectively, they have heard it all and been through it all. I hope you can stop using and get a few sober days under your belt. On this site you will have so much support and advice. Visit here and post often. Read all the threads and posts you can. A goldmine here.
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
I drank longer than you, but I didn't do any rx meds. I don't know if I drank harder than you all the time, but I am positive at times I did.
This place taught me that I had brain damage from the booze. It is permanent, but the brain can rewire. The key is time.
Five years and longer is a number folks have thrown around. I started feeling healing from day 1, but the anxiety/paranoia (brain damage) ramped up for about the first 6 months.
Things are much better now, but again I didn't do any meds.
Meds take longer to feel better from they tell me.
Thanks.
This place taught me that I had brain damage from the booze. It is permanent, but the brain can rewire. The key is time.
Five years and longer is a number folks have thrown around. I started feeling healing from day 1, but the anxiety/paranoia (brain damage) ramped up for about the first 6 months.
Things are much better now, but again I didn't do any meds.
Meds take longer to feel better from they tell me.
Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Boston MA
Posts: 726
Hello,
I am also 49 and have been drinking since 20 years old. I manage to have some sober time as well. I can relate alot to your post. Currently I am not working- I lost my last couple of jobs. I am very anxious. I cry most times I share at meetings. This gets much easier the more you share. It has helped me in the real world as well speaking/expressing myself and thoughts in front of people. I am at the point where I am going to meetings every day but also do not have a sponsor. google AA questions about Sponsorship. That is very helpful.
Also it is ok to move on from a sponsor that does not feel to be a good fit.
Its all part of discovery and getting sober. I myself am going to grab a hot cup of coffee today and check out a woman's meeting. I need to raise my hand and ask for a temporary sponsor. I am not good at asking people I get nervous of the rejection. Great job posting here. Keep us posted
just gaining some sobriety days. I am on day 47 and I feel better. Your post made me realize I could benefit from
I am also 49 and have been drinking since 20 years old. I manage to have some sober time as well. I can relate alot to your post. Currently I am not working- I lost my last couple of jobs. I am very anxious. I cry most times I share at meetings. This gets much easier the more you share. It has helped me in the real world as well speaking/expressing myself and thoughts in front of people. I am at the point where I am going to meetings every day but also do not have a sponsor. google AA questions about Sponsorship. That is very helpful.
Also it is ok to move on from a sponsor that does not feel to be a good fit.
Its all part of discovery and getting sober. I myself am going to grab a hot cup of coffee today and check out a woman's meeting. I need to raise my hand and ask for a temporary sponsor. I am not good at asking people I get nervous of the rejection. Great job posting here. Keep us posted
just gaining some sobriety days. I am on day 47 and I feel better. Your post made me realize I could benefit from
Member
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Out in the Stix of Southern Indiana
Posts: 2,784
I didn't think I would ever be able to climb out of the rut I was in! Welcome to what I think is a miracle place! When I first came here I would check in every morning on the 24 hour commitment thread to remind me of who I am and I can't drink. There are some very, very helpful people here! It gets so much easier and better! Best wishes for you on your journey!
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2019
Location: Oregon
Posts: 47
Welcome. This is your meeting now, if you want it to be. I don't like to go to meetings, either. I don't like talking to people if I don't have to. But this forum is great. Tell us what's on your mind, and people will listen and respond. It's not too late. You can do this.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 27
Thank you all for the kind words and support. When I left AA this time I just figured I am one of the " unfortunates". And would drink and use as much as I want. Best I can hope for is to go to bed and not wake up.
Last edited by Hoplesstap2019; 12-12-2019 at 10:44 PM. Reason: Hit send by mistake
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 27
[QUOTE=Hoplesstap2019;7331970]Thank you all for the kind words and support. When I left AA this time I just figured I am one of the " unfortunates". And would drink and use as much as I want. Best I can hope for is to go to bed and not wake up.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
If you are one of the "unfortunates" at least you have been listening in the meetings, and you will also know you are not at fault. My feeling is there is still hope for you though I know it can be difficult for women to find good sponsorship in many areas.
Occasionally I work with women, usually two together who sponsor each other and I kind of co-sponsor and help them with the steps. For the most part the important thing is to have someone to work with, read the book and try out the suggestions together.
When I was 49 I was 27 years sober and living proof that this program really works even for mad people like me. One old timer who sobered up about two years before me once told me I was the only person he had ver seen recover who was as mad as he was! Talk about a back handed compliment.
I was a real case of scrambled eggs and didn't speak in a meeting for quite a long time. I think it was about six weeks before I could say the serenity prayer without having to read it off the wall. But I listened and heard the messages about God and the steps, and I really lucked out with my sponsor. I don't think he ever told me what to do but somehow he led me through the steps and in a short time the obsession to drink had gone and has never come back. He was very definite about not allowing me to become dependent on him or any human. "People have feet of clay" he used to tell me, probably the most helpful piece of information I ever heard.
Don't accept being one of the unfortunates. They are quite rare, and many more recover if they will take the medicine. I would encourage you to head back to the meetings, maybe some literature based meetings like a big book study (my home group is a BBS and I love it, listen. learn, and in those meetings you have a good chance of meeting someone who will be better able to help. Don't worry about sharing if you don't want to, I always got far more out of listening when I wasn't thinking about what to say if I shared.
Occasionally I work with women, usually two together who sponsor each other and I kind of co-sponsor and help them with the steps. For the most part the important thing is to have someone to work with, read the book and try out the suggestions together.
When I was 49 I was 27 years sober and living proof that this program really works even for mad people like me. One old timer who sobered up about two years before me once told me I was the only person he had ver seen recover who was as mad as he was! Talk about a back handed compliment.
I was a real case of scrambled eggs and didn't speak in a meeting for quite a long time. I think it was about six weeks before I could say the serenity prayer without having to read it off the wall. But I listened and heard the messages about God and the steps, and I really lucked out with my sponsor. I don't think he ever told me what to do but somehow he led me through the steps and in a short time the obsession to drink had gone and has never come back. He was very definite about not allowing me to become dependent on him or any human. "People have feet of clay" he used to tell me, probably the most helpful piece of information I ever heard.
Don't accept being one of the unfortunates. They are quite rare, and many more recover if they will take the medicine. I would encourage you to head back to the meetings, maybe some literature based meetings like a big book study (my home group is a BBS and I love it, listen. learn, and in those meetings you have a good chance of meeting someone who will be better able to help. Don't worry about sharing if you don't want to, I always got far more out of listening when I wasn't thinking about what to say if I shared.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,169
I never heard of a text only sponsor before. Some things work better on a more personal level I think. I had a sponsor because people told me to get a sponsor, so he was mostly just an honorary sponsor. It was fine. I didn't really need a sponsor. Although, I think it's OK to find a sponsor who meets some of your bottom line needs too. You enter this relationship together, so why not?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 2,426
No way Hoplesstap. You are with us now, so there is no dying in your sleep aloud on this site. And I'm sure you know, because you are the same make and model of drinker as me, there is no easy peaceful death that comes to the "unfortunates." In most instances it is a protracted, painful, miserable road to death that you and so many of us here have already marched a good way down. I am absolute living proof, self-evident proof, that we can live a sober life even after decades of insanity and chaos. This morning as I sit here in peace and touch base with my SR family, I am living my 23rd day sober. Join us Hoplesstap. Do whatever you need to do to get some sober time going.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 27
It is hard to convince myself to ignore everything my mind tells me, that is were trouble starts. The last couple of years have tested my faith, and I really just isolated. Better to expect nothing, cant get hurt. I have my daily reflections, big book will try and keep reading something. Just want to get thru holidays, my father is in final stages of copd so been trying to spend some time with him. My mom passed away in 2014, we don't have a great relationship but my father still the same. I am not sure will be 100 % sober til after holidays. As I was Kinda pissed, I went out and purchased alot of meth.🙄 and holiday beverages. I am not good at flushing stuff. I can for sure try not to head off on 5 or 6 day binges, which will keep me more sane. I think I was more bothered about the sponsor thing because I had spoke to her and she said I was the only one who could end the sponsor/sponsee thing. So a week before she fired me I texted her and asked (because she was my temp sponsor) if it was ok to end it because I felt we communicated better and it was more helpful when she wasn't my sponsor , she never answered but fired me a week later. I do understand there must be limitations as sponsors are in recovery too. Just confusing
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 604
Meth is nasty stuff. I hope you can flush that down the toilet. My daughter did meth and it messed up her mind. She finally hit bottom, attacked me one night and was arrested and jailed. I had to end my relationship with her when she had NO ONE. She was homeless and on the streets. She got into temp shelter (sober living shelter) completed her court mandated programs, begged me to let her stay with me. One year later and drug free, she is back to her sweet self, her rages and binges (scary stuff to watch) have ended. She works full time, pays her bills, and is making friendships. I am so very proud of her. I never gave up on her, but it broke my heart to watch her tailspin out of control. I hope you give yourself a chance and throw that evil sh** meth down the drain. Go forward and give your body (and mind) a chance to heal. You are so worth it. Please keep posting. For me, the Success Stories really helped. There is so much hope on this site.
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