I have lurked for a few months and have now joined. Nervous about posting because I still feel shell shocked. Day 14 for me after drinking scary amounts of everything for nearly 2 decades. REALLY scary amounts the last 10 years. I don't know how I am here to write this. I am humble and grateful that I am not dead although I have hurt so many others - something that I will eventually have to make amends for, if that can even be done. Thank goodness I never physically hurt anyone. I don't know how I didn't. I am battling with hating myself, filled with such shame, while at the same time wanting to live. I have the same collection of ongoing life problems that everyone has but, for the first time in a long time, I feel like I can now start to pick those apart and take care of the details with a clear head. I don't have a good plan for long term recovery yet. I have been reading here at SR which I find to be a most amazing place. I have been walking and trying to get my nutrition back together. Have medical appointments and dental appointments scheduled. I know I need to reach out and establish an in-person support system. I am so grateful for getting this chance. I'll look to you all to help me and I need so much help. My main feeling, while "rested" and clear headed, is still one of just being dazed as I look back at what I did to myself and my family. Thank you for listening.