faith823

Hello,
I wanted to write this out because I have been thinking about some of my ridiculous antics and how alcohol affects me.

I was in a hotel room drinking wine at 11am (BF did not allow me to get wasted in house) I had called in sick to work. I walked across the street to a fast food place. I ordered a large Diet Coke (I must of had a pint stashed somewhere too) and a burger. Got back to the room and realize I could of purchased a "meal" that included fries and it would of saved me a dime.

My alcoholic temper exploded. I actually called their headquarters to complain that the counter person did not advise me to get their meal.
It is their job to offer and educate me on their products. I need this counter person to practice good customer service , be retrained, and give me either my dime back or a side of fries.
This is how insane I was . Headquarters was like huh?? customers order A La carte all the time to suit the portions they like....What was I thinking ? Not to mention I had bigger more serious issues/problems/chaos going in my hotel room drinking my face off.

Then I was PC once for my protection while I was stumbling home drunk and my friend who is a Corrections officer came and picked me up into his custody-thankfully. The police officer thanked him and said when we asked her if anyone was home to release her to she answered yes. She advised us her cat was home.

Then I proceeded to be INSULTED when my sponsor explained step two with me. She asked me if I would like to be restored to sanity.
my response "I am not insane, only when I drink" I was really hurt -boohoo

Just reflecting on what alcohol totally took over my common sense.

Bekindalways

It is really nuts. Kudos for being able to see that now. Not fun looking at our own melt downs!

faith823

Thank you always be kind-

yes wanted to write this out- so I can read it when I think a drink is a good idea/ drinking makes me fun and personable.

Gottalife

Sure lots of insanity occurs when we re drinking, but the most damaging is the insanity of the fatal first drink. That is really what the second step means when it refers to a restoration of sanity (which also means health BTW)

The first part of the step is about a choice in method of recovery. In the course of my drinking disaster, I came to believe many things would fix me. They included:
A new job
A new girl friend
A new job
A new town
A new schedule
A change of beverage
Counselling
A doctor
The police
The court
The mental institution
Sheltered accomodation
Medication
Another illegal substance which led instantly back to my drug of no choice
Books and study
A new hobby
Nothing on this incomplete list worked, so eventually I was left with just one option to consider. Would I be willing to believe just in the possibility that a power greater than my self could possibly be the answer? I didn't believe but I had nothing to lose by being willing. That was the point at which I chose the AA program as a vehicle for recovery. It turned out to be a good choice.

faith823

Thank you so much for breaking it down for me!
I can relate to this so much. I never heard of the first part of the step.
Makes so much sense. Thank you again. Going to record in my sober journal.

Citrus

Good thing you are here and sober and never have to go back to that way of thinking.

Gabe1980

Yeah Faith, my sense of right, wrong and general outrage kicked in sometimes and I acted out. Its shameful now to think about. Often it was just because I could. Recovery is all about wanting to be a better person. Thank goodness for that! 💕

D122y

When I was drunk or craving for my doc, I was a different person. Like being sleep deprived. I had less tolerance for things.

If I perceive something or someone is getting on my nerves now, I tend to be more aware.

I slow down. Maybe it is me or maybe it is them. Maybe I need a nap, maybe they need a fix. Who knows.

Basically, the real me is here. Clean and proud. Still imperfect, but patient as can be given all circumstances.

The main thing is I am not drunk anymore.

It has taken several sober years for things to slow down.

This is brain damage. All of us drunks have it. It is for life. I am an addict for life.

I try not to get into things like....it takes time for the miracal to happen. It takes time for the body to adapt to the damage years of drinks has done.

Hope this helps you in some way.

Thanks.

DriGuy

Wow! Thanks for the trip down memory lane, both yours AND mine.

ciowa

My insanity was the desire to keep drinking uncontrollably while wishing all the consequences and repercussions would just go away.
Why do I have to be sick and why hasn't there been a cure for a hangover discovered already?
Why do people have to be upset that I'm not returning phone calls or answering texts?
Why do people have to be worried about me or all in my business?
Why does work have to interfere with my drinking?
Why do people have to take everything I say and do while Im drinking so serious, can't they just forget it ever happened?
Why can't my body just heal overnight so I get good sleep and am ready to drink again every time I want to.
Insane thinking.

faith823

I can relate- thank you!

I like "why does work have to interfere with my drinking"?
Yeah they can send a man to the moon- lets get a hangover cure.
Since work "interferes" with my own personal hangover cure.
Yeah people should just stay out of my business since I am just going to blow them off anyhow! ugh-

faith823

Hi Dri Guy-

Did you have a pet too.? I really believed the police were going to hand me over to the custody of my cat . Cat was going to keep me safe until I sobered up. ridiculous.

anyhow day 25! Its going by slowly- but in 6 days I will have a month alcohol free

crazychef

I'm sure I have all of you beat this week, I work on an 18 million dollar yacht making good money in the Caribbean as a chef. The Captain and broker were sending me emails friday night before a charter that has been known for 2 months asking me stupid questions while I was having rum and cokes, got pissed and just sent an email quitting. I gave them my resignation by email, lol, not lol. Got to the boat on Monday, knew this job wasn't what I wanted but still....... It was out there and told him I was having personal issues, more than rum and my head was not in the game. Now Wednesday no job but the bad thing is that I'm happy about it. I can kind of choose my jobs, but my issues are seriously getting up there when you give up a cool job, a place to live, and cool locations because I read an email that as a chef pissed me off. Have naturally the mentality that I know my job, you don't, so don't ask questions. With some rum in me, I blew up, i used to be smarter than that say go to bed and choose you words in the a.m. Or better yet be smart and sober and not make fast decisions. It's just hard for me to change. I left the US in 2005, a lot of years in the Caribbean, South Pacific, Central/ South America, Mexico. I don't function well in the US, that's the main reason I just quit, the boat was based in Florida

faith823

So sorry about the loss of your job. I also lost my job for close to the same reason. The good news is. For me, and you! This is the catalyst of getting Sober- This will be the best thing that ever happened to me the gift of sobriety. I do not ever want to go through this pain again. If I pick up a drink it is 100 percent gtd that I will and could lose even more-
Just keep doing the next right thing. I promise you , there is a better job out there for you . If you stay sober do some soul searching on what makes you happy in a career and stay true to yourself it will all be worth it.

Wastinglife

I can certainly relate. If I reach a certain level of intoxication, I can lose my temper at the slightest provocation or perceived slight. It doesn't have anything to do with reality usually. Probably some resentment I hold from something else entirely is the real trigger. The alcohol just seems to make that anger boil up in the moment and with my inhibitions compromised, I can't shrug it off as I would when sober.

crazychef

Not to make light. I was going to quit anyway. Just took that one email, had it in the back of my mind knowing it was soon. Bad email, rum talking, me and the captain shook hands this morning avoiding a really expensive thanksgiving charter, I'm on paid vacation now for quiting till the end of the month.

DriGuy

You realize that job was what they call a glamor job. Of course, any job can be a pain, and maybe it wasn't all that good for you either. I can imagine a lot of liquor flowing over an 18 million dollar yacht.

I single handed my own boat from Mexico, to Hawaii, to Alaska, and finally sold it in Seattle. It took three years, but I never drank a drop. It's different when you are doing it for fun. I survived my own cooking, which may have been the most dangerous part of the trip.

Callas

I seriously try and forget the many times I made a fool of myself and embarrassed the company I was with. Bridges burnt permanently. No use to dwell on that though. Sobriety in the moment is enough of a challenge.

crazychef

You were sailing by yourself, I'm on a big boat with 7 crew doing working on a high stress level for rich people paying 200,000 a week for your services. It's not sailing. Not an excuse but have a full bar and all my cooking wine rum port, It's hard not to cave. I quit so might buy that sailboat to clear my head

crazychef

By the way, lots of respect for your trips. I sailed across the Atlantic and worked in Washington and Alaska for 3 seasons. Sailing is not easy, peaceful and calm something breaks, the ******** begins