So Shameful
Seeking wisdom
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 259
So Shameful
I have tried and tried and I make it about 1 wk and right back drinking.
I am a strange one. I only drink on days when no one is at the bar but me and the bartender. I want to be all alone but not in my house.
so I sit in a corner and drink, one after another...same routine....same ole ******** wk after wk.
Extremely miserable for days after.
I must be bi-polar, I swear what else could it be. Normal people dont act like this ! Im mentally ill.
I am a strange one. I only drink on days when no one is at the bar but me and the bartender. I want to be all alone but not in my house.
so I sit in a corner and drink, one after another...same routine....same ole ******** wk after wk.
Extremely miserable for days after.
I must be bi-polar, I swear what else could it be. Normal people dont act like this ! Im mentally ill.
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by whitejay 
.
I must be bi-polar, I swear what else could it be. Normal people dont act like this ! Im mentally ill.
I must be bi-polar, I swear what else could it be. Normal people dont act like this ! Im mentally ill.
There is a solution. You can be sober.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Minnesota, USA
Posts: 1,469
Originally Posted by whitejay
I have tried and tried and I make it about 1 wk and right back drinking.
I am a strange one. I only drink on days when no one is at the bar but me and the bartender. I want to be all alone but not in my house.
so I sit in a corner and drink, one after another...same routine....same ole bull#@!t wk after wk.
Extremely miserable for days after.
I must be bi-polar, I swear what else could it be. Normal people dont act like this ! Im mentally ill.
I am a strange one. I only drink on days when no one is at the bar but me and the bartender. I want to be all alone but not in my house.
so I sit in a corner and drink, one after another...same routine....same ole bull#@!t wk after wk.
Extremely miserable for days after.
I must be bi-polar, I swear what else could it be. Normal people dont act like this ! Im mentally ill.
Hi Whitejay,
I must tell you that you are not special, and many of us have done this. You are not the exception.
As to your bi-polar concern, we have ALL been here. While it may be easier and SOFTER to try and put a "mental disorder" to the fact you are an alcoholic, we do not take the soft way out.
As if putting a "label" such as bi-polar will make it better, as there are known things to do to take care of such a disorder.
There are things you can do being an ALCOHOLIC to stop drinking and start to recover
Start by:
Make a plan for recovery.
DO IT- every day
Do not drink
Do not buy alcohol
Do not go to the bar
Find something else to do in those times such as;
Go to an AA meeting at those times
Go to the gym
Read a bok
Go to bed
The list is endless.
I am so glad you are posting and you can make it longer than a week, if you want to and want it bad enough.
You just stop the poor me mindset and practice discipline and determination.
Best wishes,
DC
Seeking wisdom
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 259
Originally Posted by DreamCatcher17
Hi Whitejay,
I must tell you that you are not special, and many of us have done this. You are not the exception.
As to your bi-polar concern, we have ALL been here. While it may be easier and SOFTER to try and put a "mental disorder" to the fact you are an alcoholic, we do not take the soft way out.
As if putting a "label" such as bi-polar will make it better, as there are known things to do to take care of such a disorder.
There are things you can do being an ALCOHOLIC to stop drinking and start to recover
Start by:
Make a plan for recovery.
DO IT- every day
Do not drink
Do not buy alcohol
Do not go to the bar
Find something else to do in those times such as;
Go to an AA meeting at those times
Go to the gym
Read a bok
Go to bed
The list is endless.
I am so glad you are posting and you can make it longer than a week, if you want to and want it bad enough.
You just stop the poor me mindset and practice discipline and determination.
Best wishes,
DC
I must tell you that you are not special, and many of us have done this. You are not the exception.
As to your bi-polar concern, we have ALL been here. While it may be easier and SOFTER to try and put a "mental disorder" to the fact you are an alcoholic, we do not take the soft way out.
As if putting a "label" such as bi-polar will make it better, as there are known things to do to take care of such a disorder.
There are things you can do being an ALCOHOLIC to stop drinking and start to recover
Start by:
Make a plan for recovery.
DO IT- every day
Do not drink
Do not buy alcohol
Do not go to the bar
Find something else to do in those times such as;
Go to an AA meeting at those times
Go to the gym
Read a bok
Go to bed
The list is endless.
I am so glad you are posting and you can make it longer than a week, if you want to and want it bad enough.
You just stop the poor me mindset and practice discipline and determination.
Best wishes,
DC
Im an alcoholic. I finally said it.
Finally........thank you my friend
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Los Angeles, Ca
Posts: 535
Originally Posted by whitejay
I have tried and tried and I make it about 1 wk and right back drinking.
I am a strange one. I only drink on days when no one is at the bar but me and the bartender. I want to be all alone but not in my house.
so I sit in a corner and drink, one after another...same routine....same ole bull#@!t wk after wk.
Extremely miserable for days after.
I must be bi-polar, I swear what else could it be. Normal people dont act like this ! Im mentally ill.
I am a strange one. I only drink on days when no one is at the bar but me and the bartender. I want to be all alone but not in my house.
so I sit in a corner and drink, one after another...same routine....same ole bull#@!t wk after wk.
Extremely miserable for days after.
I must be bi-polar, I swear what else could it be. Normal people dont act like this ! Im mentally ill.
Have you ever asked yourself: Why do I prefer drinking?
Check out the book, "The Freedom Method." The authors present addiction as a choice, not a disease over which we have no control. We all have free will and can choose our, "Best available option for happiness.” This premise might seem trite at first thought, but it is ripe with profound meaning and backed with cutting edge research. One engages in specific behaviors because they believe it will give them temporary happiness. They stop abusing when they decide abusing is not the best option for their happiness. They stop abusing when they decide (REASON) abusing is not the best option for their happiness. This is precisely why the evidence shows that most people mature out of their addiction (NESARC) . The authors use reason, science and evidence for their premise. The book clarifies the need to address your problems where they actually exist: In the realm of personal choice! You don’t get addicted to a substance unless you have learned it helps you. Once you understand, "WHY," you drink to excess it is much easier to evaluate your options and why not drinking to excess might in the long run make you a happier individual.
Matthew 11:28 “Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. ”
Discomfort is the price of admission to a meaningful life. No one would deny that life is full of adversity. We can’t control our circumstances, but we can control how we think about our circumstances and how we respond. Explore your options and choose a better life.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Minnesota, USA
Posts: 1,469
Originally Posted by whitejay
I needed to hear that. Discipline and Determination are so foreign to me and was never instilled in me as a child. If that isnt the 2 best words I need to never forget and take action on it too.
Im an alcoholic. I finally said it.
Finally........thank you my friend
Im an alcoholic. I finally said it.
Finally........thank you my friend
And welcome to the group, we are all a little mad here (Alice in Wonderland reference)
I found once I accepted the fact that I was an alcoholic and I could no longer drink because it was destroying my soul and life. Things just seem to feel freer. I was lighter as if the chains were slowly coming off of me.
I too as a child had no discipline or determination. Finding it at the age of 32 bothered me, but I changed my perspective. Rather now than never and dying alone sounds miserable.
I built my sober foundation on those 2 words.
I was not going to let myself down, or the people who love and need me to be healthy.
There were days I had just slept or watched TV because I did not want to think anymore, about anything. And that is OKAY!!!!
Take it slow and steady.
Try not to overwhelm yourself.
When you are feeling like a drink-I personally love to come here and read all the relapse stories, because I NEVER want to feel like that again)
for being here 
Seeking wisdom
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 259
You guys are awesome. You've really hit home with me. I will look into that book, I love reading.
SoberRican I totally agree
CRR if I were to dig deep and find my truth to answe that question- I would say "I dont know how to interact with people. I dont know what to say or how to act or how to dress or chit chat, laugh, keep the conversation going, feel confident, get close, stay close, open my feelings, hang out. Nor do I have a desire for any of that. I am a social alien. I think everyone judges me.
I am a loner and selfish. I answer to no one. Thats f ' ud up now that I have actually wrote it. Horrible.
wow.
DC thank you for standing by me and know all is possible. Discipline.
I did well as a Engineer because I could hide in my office and draw maps and do math all day. Never had to interact with no one. Never married. Now that Im retired Im lonely, bored, confused, ungrateful,
selfish brat who doesnt fit in this world.
SoberRican I totally agree
CRR if I were to dig deep and find my truth to answe that question- I would say "I dont know how to interact with people. I dont know what to say or how to act or how to dress or chit chat, laugh, keep the conversation going, feel confident, get close, stay close, open my feelings, hang out. Nor do I have a desire for any of that. I am a social alien. I think everyone judges me.
I am a loner and selfish. I answer to no one. Thats f ' ud up now that I have actually wrote it. Horrible.
wow.
DC thank you for standing by me and know all is possible. Discipline.
I did well as a Engineer because I could hide in my office and draw maps and do math all day. Never had to interact with no one. Never married. Now that Im retired Im lonely, bored, confused, ungrateful,
selfish brat who doesnt fit in this world.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Minnesota, USA
Posts: 1,469
Originally Posted by whitejay
DC my soul has been destroyed for a very long time. Now if I could just get guts to tell you the story.
It messed me up bad and it didn't even happen to me....
It messed me up bad and it didn't even happen to me....
I am a GOD believer, and through him, a soul can be restored and I know and believe that to be true for.
Seeking wisdom
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 259
My faith is with God.
I have prayed for 20 years for God to remove my desires. Now its my turn to do something about it.
But I do know without a doubt God has saved my life many many times.
God is good.
I have prayed for 20 years for God to remove my desires. Now its my turn to do something about it.
But I do know without a doubt God has saved my life many many times.
God is good.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Minnesota, USA
Posts: 1,469
Originally Posted by whitejay
My faith is with God.
I have prayed for 20 years for God to remove my desires. Now its my turn to do something about it.
But I do know without a doubt God has saved my life many many times.
God is good.
I have prayed for 20 years for God to remove my desires. Now its my turn to do something about it.
But I do know without a doubt God has saved my life many many times.
God is good.
Yes, while we may pray we must also put into action!
I was the type of drinker that would say "Please GOD get me out of this and I promise I will never drink again"
It is GODs will, not mine.
He kept me there until I was ready to take action.
Then he gave me the tools
and continues to give, the more I love and have faith.
AMEN!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Los Angeles, Ca
Posts: 535
Originally Posted by whitejay
You guys are awesome. You've really hit home with me. I will look into that book, I love reading.
SoberRican I totally agree
CRR if I were to dig deep and find my truth to answe that question- I would say "I dont know how to interact with people. I dont know what to say or how to act or how to dress or chit chat, laugh, keep the conversation going, feel confident, get close, stay close, open my feelings, hang out. Nor do I have a desire for any of that. I am a social alien. I think everyone judges me.
I am a loner and selfish. I answer to no one. Thats f ' ud up now that I have actually wrote it. Horrible.
wow.
DC thank you for standing by me and know all is possible. Discipline.
I did well as a Engineer because I could hide in my office and draw maps and do math all day. Never had to interact with no one. Never married. Now that Im retired Im lonely, bored, confused, ungrateful,
selfish brat who doesnt fit in this world.
SoberRican I totally agree
CRR if I were to dig deep and find my truth to answe that question- I would say "I dont know how to interact with people. I dont know what to say or how to act or how to dress or chit chat, laugh, keep the conversation going, feel confident, get close, stay close, open my feelings, hang out. Nor do I have a desire for any of that. I am a social alien. I think everyone judges me.
I am a loner and selfish. I answer to no one. Thats f ' ud up now that I have actually wrote it. Horrible.
wow.
DC thank you for standing by me and know all is possible. Discipline.
I did well as a Engineer because I could hide in my office and draw maps and do math all day. Never had to interact with no one. Never married. Now that Im retired Im lonely, bored, confused, ungrateful,
selfish brat who doesnt fit in this world.
Seeking wisdom
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 259
Yep. Right around 22y old it started.
Im a woman that gets asked out alot and I just laugh inside me and look at them like you just dodged a bullet because I always say no. I could never date. Hence why Im alone.
I'm really really messed up when it comes to people. But if you met me and spent a day with me, you would never know it. Maybe thats why I hide behind alcohol. Could be.
I'll die alone never knowing love.
Im a woman that gets asked out alot and I just laugh inside me and look at them like you just dodged a bullet because I always say no. I could never date. Hence why Im alone.
I'm really really messed up when it comes to people. But if you met me and spent a day with me, you would never know it. Maybe thats why I hide behind alcohol. Could be.
I'll die alone never knowing love.
under new management
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Calgary, Alberta
Posts: 2,339
whitejay, you know God's love so you will not die alone never knowing love.
I hope you keep trusting in Him.
God has changed things in me that I totally and completely believed were unchangeable. I know He will do that for you.
I hope you keep trusting in Him.
God has changed things in me that I totally and completely believed were unchangeable. I know He will do that for you.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
Some good suggestions here whitejay
I dunno about you but I worked pretty hard to stay drunk...I had to at least put that kind of effort and commitment into not drinking?
It's not easy, but it is easier than trying to deal with drinking IMO.
at the risk of an unpopular opinion, I don't think it takes any superhuman quality of discipline - not when you accept that drinking is toxic for you.
D
I dunno about you but I worked pretty hard to stay drunk...I had to at least put that kind of effort and commitment into not drinking?
It's not easy, but it is easier than trying to deal with drinking IMO.
at the risk of an unpopular opinion, I don't think it takes any superhuman quality of discipline - not when you accept that drinking is toxic for you.
D
Member
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 743
I'm in my 40s and I did not find out until very later in life that I likely have Asperger's. The reason I say so is because you sound a lot like me. I took Asperger's quizzes online and the results where substantially above a borderline case.
I'm a mess relating to people. I picked up on one emotion early in life. Laughter, if I could make people laugh I could connect with them (although I didn't quite have it thought out just like that in a little boy's head.) I got good at making people laugh. It eventually got me kicked out of schools. The all wise educators thought I needed classes for emotionally disturbed children.
Doctors had this theory and that theory, ADD, bi polar, I had all kinds of meds, anti depressants, lithium. I was in and out of reform schools through my teens.
When I was 14 years old I was more comfortable on angel dust than being sober me. I didn't know it then but I was alcoholic at 14. My sober head was a scary place and when I drank I was comfortable, that much I knew.
When I walk in a crowded bar, the way I perceive the World it's just a complete overload of my senses and I would need to get real drunk, real quick. I needed drink to talk to people.
Just curious if you are an expert on certain topics. People use to think I had a photographic memory. I could name things that happened on specific dates from well before I was born. Only stuff that caught my interest.
I have a lot of problems meeting people. I had been seeing someone for quite a while but I was not happy. Now that she's gone it's just so clear how alone I am and what an uphill battle this is going to be. The loneliness really tears me apart at my age. Surrounded by people in happy relationships and circles of friends. I am growing old alone before my own eyes. My good friends are now out of state and my other longtime friend close by passed away a few years ago. I guess I have to be grateful for what I do have. Exceptional health, decent career, roof over my head. I have to keep it turned over to God. I don't want to just drink away whatever time I have left on this earth. It's been a rough life and I didn't come all this way to just drink myself away!
I'm a mess relating to people. I picked up on one emotion early in life. Laughter, if I could make people laugh I could connect with them (although I didn't quite have it thought out just like that in a little boy's head.) I got good at making people laugh. It eventually got me kicked out of schools. The all wise educators thought I needed classes for emotionally disturbed children.
Doctors had this theory and that theory, ADD, bi polar, I had all kinds of meds, anti depressants, lithium. I was in and out of reform schools through my teens.
When I was 14 years old I was more comfortable on angel dust than being sober me. I didn't know it then but I was alcoholic at 14. My sober head was a scary place and when I drank I was comfortable, that much I knew.
When I walk in a crowded bar, the way I perceive the World it's just a complete overload of my senses and I would need to get real drunk, real quick. I needed drink to talk to people.
Just curious if you are an expert on certain topics. People use to think I had a photographic memory. I could name things that happened on specific dates from well before I was born. Only stuff that caught my interest.
I have a lot of problems meeting people. I had been seeing someone for quite a while but I was not happy. Now that she's gone it's just so clear how alone I am and what an uphill battle this is going to be. The loneliness really tears me apart at my age. Surrounded by people in happy relationships and circles of friends. I am growing old alone before my own eyes. My good friends are now out of state and my other longtime friend close by passed away a few years ago. I guess I have to be grateful for what I do have. Exceptional health, decent career, roof over my head. I have to keep it turned over to God. I don't want to just drink away whatever time I have left on this earth. It's been a rough life and I didn't come all this way to just drink myself away!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 433
Originally Posted by whitejay
You guys are awesome. You've really hit home with me. I will look into that book, I love reading.
SoberRican I totally agree
CRR if I were to dig deep and find my truth to answe that question- I would say "I dont know how to interact with people. I dont know what to say or how to act or how to dress or chit chat, laugh, keep the conversation going, feel confident, get close, stay close, open my feelings, hang out. Nor do I have a desire for any of that. I am a social alien. I think everyone judges me.
I am a loner and selfish. I answer to no one. Thats f ' ud up now that I have actually wrote it. Horrible.
wow.
DC thank you for standing by me and know all is possible. Discipline.
I did well as a Engineer because I could hide in my office and draw maps and do math all day. Never had to interact with no one. Never married. Now that Im retired Im lonely, bored, confused, ungrateful,
selfish brat who doesnt fit in this world.
SoberRican I totally agree
CRR if I were to dig deep and find my truth to answe that question- I would say "I dont know how to interact with people. I dont know what to say or how to act or how to dress or chit chat, laugh, keep the conversation going, feel confident, get close, stay close, open my feelings, hang out. Nor do I have a desire for any of that. I am a social alien. I think everyone judges me.
I am a loner and selfish. I answer to no one. Thats f ' ud up now that I have actually wrote it. Horrible.
wow.
DC thank you for standing by me and know all is possible. Discipline.
I did well as a Engineer because I could hide in my office and draw maps and do math all day. Never had to interact with no one. Never married. Now that Im retired Im lonely, bored, confused, ungrateful,
selfish brat who doesnt fit in this world.
If someone is truly happy being single that is wonderful, I love alone time and currently happy being single after a long relationship it doesn't attract a negative. If someone is single because they may believe they have nothing to offer someone else, that mindset brings in the negative. Everyone (yes including you) deserve love if you're actively searching, you're valuable, and have the power to make another persons life experience happy and feel love too. You have social skills no doubt.
What ever thought inside that maybe telling you this, call the thought a liar. The truth also you can become sober and live the life you want and desire.
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