faith823

Thanks for your post- I burned everyone Of my bridges and it is coming up
again and again in my new job search.
Sobriety is hard enough but in a way letting go and being clear headed
has appeared to be helping which is making thing easier to deal with.

If that makes any sense. I have so many problems (no job) no health ins again) no rent for dec then lease ends) move back with parents. no self esteem from my past doings- to deal with. I am taking everything in spoonfuls and baby steps.
Staying Sober is keeping the DOOM and sickness away. I know that oblivion would feel good but I just never want to deal with the physical/mental/aftermath that it costs ever again.

thank you Callas- I enjoy your posts

DriGuy

OK, that does sound more like a nightmare.

Bekindalways

Faith, I come here for posts like yours. We humans can be addicted to the blame/complain thing but alcoholics in recovery look square at their own part of the mess. This is heroic to me. I try to live like that every day: looking at my part of the mess.

faith823

Thank you Bekindalways. I try not to ruminate on past actions while under the influence. But these past actions are just a reminder of having no common sense, and the hostility and rage that accompanied it. I have many more memories that took away my morals, self esteem and just plain disregard for others. Everytime I build everything back up-boom I am drinking again.
Not this time- if I am lucky to build anything back up- it is going to be on a solid recovery and grateful foundation. I am also going to be the authentic me with no substances to alter my thinking. I keep going back in my mind when I had a wisdom tooth removed. The DR numbed injected my gums with novocaine then continued to cut/tug/wrench/pull/jam pliers into my gums to get this tooth free and with the power of the novocaine I did not feel a thing, it was possible to endure all that torture.
That is what vodka does to my brain/soul numbs it while I continue to cut/tug/wrench/pull/jam my way through life and endure torture without feeling a thing.

I keep going back to that memory and how much power vodka/alcohol had over me and my values.

ThatWasTheOldMe

I was all around bat**** crazy when I was drinking.
Alcohol and my brain, body, and soul for that matter - do not mix.

joe801

I'd place my alcoholic temper experience on the opposite side of the spectrum, I was completely submissive and weak, cowardly to any opposition. I split from a three year relationship from the fact that my girlfriend preferred me to drink or be a drunk and was told that to my face. That's a different topic though.

Regardless the actions everyone does while under the thumb of alcohol is insanity. Its therapeutic to remember back and to know never again.