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Old 06-25-2019, 05:59 PM   #1 (permalink)
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One month down. ? To go...


Iíve been reading everyoneís posts here for a long time, but just now decided to embrace sobriety for good and create an account. Iíve been a high functioning alcoholic for 15 years, and like many of us found MANY different ways to accommodate my friend the drunk. But alas, Iím waving the white flag and trying to move on with life sober. Iíve tried several times before - only to slide back every time. Most recently, I was actually not drinking on weekdays, and then enjoying my Martinis on Friday and Saturday. But Thursdays got worse every week, and after 5 or 6 weeksí roller coaster, plus reading everyoneís posts here about PAWS I faced the facts and here I am. I just crossed the one month line and am dealing with good days and bad. And ohhhh those sweet cravings. For me, the brain fog, feelings of despair and aloofness or depersonalization are the worst. Iím the most positive guy youíve ever met, but this.... ugh. My wife canít quite understand it. While she is COMPLETELY supportive, I get the impression sometimes that she thinks itís psychosomatic. Iíve read enough of your posts to know its real. Iím trying to eat right, exercise and stay busy with work and music.

Thatís it for now I suppose. Just wanted to make my first official post and let you all know I was here and that I hate PAWS!
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Old 06-25-2019, 06:07 PM   #2 (permalink)
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If you read my posts I always talk about my permanent brain damage from booze. I know if I drink again I will damage my brain more...immediately.

As my drinking days drew to a close, the recovery eventually never happened. The only way to feel ok was to be drunk.

Those days are gone forever.

I turned out to be a non drinker that unknowingly got myself addicted.

Great to see the real me.

Thanks.
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When I crave I think of the next day after effects:

high blood pressure, sleep issues, strength loss, immune system compromise (sick).

BpSSS. My mantra.

Studied "alcohol kindling" and "alcohol PAWS."

Last intoxication: 8 May 15.
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Old 06-25-2019, 06:15 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Hi welcome and congrats on your month Ohbrowat

You might be lucky and find this isn't PAWs at all but simple withdrawal & early recovery the first time round.

I hope things will get better for you from this point

D
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Old 06-25-2019, 06:15 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Welcome Ohbrowat! It's wonderful to have you join us as you begin this new chapter in your life.

I drank 30 yrs. I felt very disoriented in the beginning - but everything got better and easier. I was a little resentful at first that I couldn't magically turn myself into a social drinker. I knew it wasn't possible - I had tried hundreds of times. I put myself in danger & couldn't be trusted when it was in my system. Life is so much less stressful & complicated without it! We're here to listen and help.
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Old 06-25-2019, 06:17 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Welcome to the family. I hope you'll make good use of the support here to help you stay sober for good.
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Old 06-25-2019, 06:28 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Glad you are here--I also had some wicked PAWS symptoms in the past. I am still getting the odd brain fog and fatigue, but it has largely passed and I'm feeling so much better now. Keep moving forward
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Old 06-25-2019, 07:32 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Welcome and congratulations on a month. Keep it up!
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Old 06-25-2019, 07:43 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Oh,

Congratulations -- my experience was once I accepted at the emotional level that I was never going to drink again, I did not worry as much about how long things were going to last etc because that was just the way it was and I needed to make the best of it. Just that mental shift helped me immensly.

The other thing was the importance of accpeting fully that abstinence is not control and that no matter how long I stopped or how in control I was when not drinking, one sip and it was over (for me). Not at once, but it would always lead back to being out of control.

So good to have you here - its a great place.
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Old 06-25-2019, 11:21 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Congrats on 1 month sober.

For me at one month it's still normal withdrawal as still very early days but it does get better. I've often got to 1 month and picked up again as felt so rubbish. But the times I've gone beyond that I really see and feel a difference in months 2 & 3.

PAWS is something that kicks in, if at all, several months into sobriety
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Old 06-26-2019, 02:36 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Welcome and congratulations!!!

I'm a week behind you in sober time, and never had over 90 days in the last 20 years, and it hit me yesterday: I don't really know who I am without alcohol. I wonder if that might be part of the equation for you, along with all the other withdrawal stuff.

I used to be "positive" a lot of the time, but for me it was just relief after a hangover passed, or knowing I was going to drink that night so nothing that happened appeared to bother me. Now I'm finding I'm allowing myself to become more present even to negative situations and not necessarily try to be liked by everyone. It doesn't always feel nice, but it does feel real.

Not that this is necessarily your situation, but it came to me while reading your post. I do know that when we stop drinking we don't only lose our one big "coping mechanism", but a lot of the little mental and social games we play to maintain our lifestyle and our sense of "being ok" have to change as well, and for me some of those are REALLY subtle!

For what it's worth, you sound to me like you're taking a serious, honest, self-searching approach to this, and I think that's huge! Glad you're here!!!
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Old 06-26-2019, 03:56 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Glad you are here! One month is awesome.

And, I'm just going to address the PAWS thing from my experience- a month is quite reasonable to feel some/all/many/whatever of its symptoms. I had it quite severely- being a syndrome, there's not a diagnosis but this clicked with me IMMEDIATELY when I read it- largely because it put a context and an A-HA to my experiences -
https://digital-dharma.net/

And....this time, what is your plan of action for sobriety? So many changes and so much in all ways - it takes time and that's what us alcoholics hate!

Keep going.
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Old 06-26-2019, 05:09 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Welcome. It's going to get better. It already has. You've dumped out the garbage, but there's still a few maggots clinging to the bottom of the can. They will die if you don't keep dumping garbage in the can. Eventually, you can throw away the can.
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Old 06-28-2019, 05:50 AM   #13 (permalink)
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True...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hevyn View Post
Welcome Ohbrowat! It's wonderful to have you join us as you begin this new chapter in your life.

I drank 30 yrs. I felt very disoriented in the beginning - but everything got better and easier. I was a little resentful at first that I couldn't magically turn myself into a social drinker. I knew it wasn't possible - I had tried hundreds of times. I put myself in danger & couldn't be trusted when it was in my system. Life is so much less stressful & complicated without it! We're here to listen and help.
Iíve gone through those exact feelings, as Iím confident many have I suppose. I honestly donít crave it, but Iím quite jealous of others who can drink socially.
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Old 06-28-2019, 06:00 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Ditto

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Originally Posted by BrianK View Post
Welcome and congratulations!!!

I'm a week behind you in sober time, and never had over 90 days in the last 20 years, and it hit me yesterday: I don't really know who I am without alcohol. I wonder if that might be part of the equation for you, along with all the other withdrawal stuff.

I used to be "positive" a lot of the time, but for me it was just relief after a hangover passed, or knowing I was going to drink that night so nothing that happened appeared to bother me. Now I'm finding I'm allowing myself to become more present even to negative situations and not necessarily try to be liked by everyone. It doesn't always feel nice, but it does feel real.

Not that this is necessarily your situation, but it came to me while reading your post. I do know that when we stop drinking we don't only lose our one big "coping mechanism", but a lot of the little mental and social games we play to maintain our lifestyle and our sense of "being ok" have to change as well, and for me some of those are REALLY subtle!

For what it's worth, you sound to me like you're taking a serious, honest, self-searching approach to this, and I think that's huge! Glad you're here!!!
Precisely. I was trying to explain this to my wife, and she doesnít get it but is trying. I suspect Iíve had this little demon on my shoulder for 20+ years. Completely outward functional, but we all know the lengths we go through to keep our little secret. Iíve tried a couple times over the past two years, and once got to 3 or 4 months before I told myself ĎI got thisí. Then tried to drink socially again and you know where that went.

But as weird as some days are I am enjoying getting to know myself again during those increasingly regular moments of clarity. I donít have any intentions whatsoever of going back, but I also know that Ďheí may pop his ugly head up again down the road. I used to think it might be a good idea to get a tattoo of todayís date to remind the Ďnowí version of me. (Think Memento movie) but Iíd have several lines crossed out by now. Onward and upward. Stay strong in what you know today!
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Old 06-28-2019, 06:08 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Thx.

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Originally Posted by August252015 View Post
Glad you are here! One month is awesome.

And, I'm just going to address the PAWS thing from my experience- a month is quite reasonable to feel some/all/many/whatever of its symptoms. I had it quite severely- being a syndrome, there's not a diagnosis but this clicked with me IMMEDIATELY when I read it- largely because it put a context and an A-HA to my experiences -

And....this time, what is your plan of action for sobriety? So many changes and so much in all ways - it takes time and that's what us alcoholics hate!

Keep going.
Thanks. Yes, Iíve been through that website a couple times. I may have gotten it from one of your posts. I also see you close most of your posts to newbies with your plan of action question. Itís a question I think about often. I referred to Memento as a good analogy, and I know the bold thoughts will pop up again. I know that AA works for many, and believe me Iíve tried. But Iíve struggled mightily to find any reference points in that environment. None of the half dozen groups Iíve tried (in different states and demographics) have resonated with me. So I donít know yet. Iíve recorded a video telling my future self where I am now. Does that count?
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Old 06-28-2019, 06:25 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Congrats on your 30 days I probably have 30 plus years I'm beating my body up with booze I threw in the towel I got sick and tired of being sick and tired I just received an email from my mother a very heartfelt email and how proud she is of me now I have to be careful because my pride will get in the way I am not allowing that to happen I cherish the sobriety time and by the way I have 55 days today woop woop
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Old 07-04-2019, 01:19 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Checking in

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Originally Posted by BrianK View Post
Welcome and congratulations!!!

I'm a week behind you in sober time, and never had over 90 days in the last 20 years, and it hit me yesterday: I don't really know who I am without alcohol. I wonder if that might be part of the equation for you, along with all the other withdrawal stuff.

I used to be "positive" a lot of the time, but for me it was just relief after a hangover passed, or knowing I was going to drink that night so nothing that happened appeared to bother me. Now I'm finding I'm allowing myself to become more present even to negative situations and not necessarily try to be liked by everyone. It doesn't always feel nice, but it does feel real.



Not that this is necessarily your situation, but it came to me while reading your post. I do know that when we stop drinking we don't only lose our one big "coping mechanism", but a lot of the little mental and social games we play to maintain our lifestyle and our sense of "being ok" have to change as well, and for me some of those are REALLY subtle!

For what it's worth, you sound to me like you're taking a serious, honest, self-searching approach to this, and I think that's huge! Glad you're here!!!
Hey Brian - Just checking in. Iím in week 6. All is well with no relapses. Main thing Iím dealing with is just a blah feeling. No real excitement or joy for anything I used to enjoy like playing music or hanging with friends. I have almost zero energy or enthusiasm for work these days. Yesterday we went to a friends house for a couples dinner. I was only partially there mentally. Iím considering starting a strength training and cardio schedule back up, which Iíve done successfully in the past, even while I was drinking. Maybe that will shake things up in my brain.

Be well.
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Old 07-04-2019, 01:27 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Haha it most certainly isn't psychosomatic.
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Old 07-04-2019, 04:28 PM   #19 (permalink)
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I remember thinking my life was joyless and colourless for awhile, but just assumed that was the price I paid for 20 years drinking.

Turns out things got better - mind and body just needed time to heal
I'm sure it will be the same for you too.
D
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