I'm down again - I can not do it guys.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,454
Hi Hope
I'm sorry you're so down. I felt that way when I came here too.
I think you could do a lot worse than to commit to at least posting here everyday.
Thats not really that big of a commitment but I think it will pay off.
I also think you probably need more real world support - if AA ois you thing why not embrace it and get a sponsor, do the steps, and see where that takes you?
Gotta be better than where you are now.
D
I'm sorry you're so down. I felt that way when I came here too.
I think you could do a lot worse than to commit to at least posting here everyday.
Thats not really that big of a commitment but I think it will pay off.
I also think you probably need more real world support - if AA ois you thing why not embrace it and get a sponsor, do the steps, and see where that takes you?
Gotta be better than where you are now.
D
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
I took no pleasure in reading your OP...but I understand it. Addiction is a complicated beast and sometimes it takes us a little bit to figure out how to beat it. You will, I have faith. I did it, and I was hopeless.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 3,163
Hope,
I read this the other day and it really resonated with me:
I watched a short video on finances yesterday. It centered on how our minds trick us regarding the value of money depending on the circumstances.
If store A has an item for 10$, and store B, two blocks away, has it for 5$, most people will walk the two blocks to save that 50%, or 5$. But if the item in store A is 200$, and store B has it for 195$, most won’t take the extra time to walk for such a small savings.
But that savings has the same value, 5$ in your pocket.
I see so many here who have a stretch of sobriety, fall off the wagon, and come back apologizing for their weakness. Some who have relapsed multiple times seem somewhat ashamed to say they are going to try again. I hate to see someone apologize for taking an extraordinary step to change their life. I admire the willingness to change, whether it is the first of the fiftieth time you are beginning the journey.
Each attempt at quitting is like that 5$. Attempt #3, 4, or whatever all have a value equal to attempt #1. Life is full of all kinds of hideous challenges, and they may not be mastered in one go.
Best wishes to all,
-bora
I am thinking of you. Dont give up.
I read this the other day and it really resonated with me:
I watched a short video on finances yesterday. It centered on how our minds trick us regarding the value of money depending on the circumstances.
If store A has an item for 10$, and store B, two blocks away, has it for 5$, most people will walk the two blocks to save that 50%, or 5$. But if the item in store A is 200$, and store B has it for 195$, most won’t take the extra time to walk for such a small savings.
But that savings has the same value, 5$ in your pocket.
I see so many here who have a stretch of sobriety, fall off the wagon, and come back apologizing for their weakness. Some who have relapsed multiple times seem somewhat ashamed to say they are going to try again. I hate to see someone apologize for taking an extraordinary step to change their life. I admire the willingness to change, whether it is the first of the fiftieth time you are beginning the journey.
Each attempt at quitting is like that 5$. Attempt #3, 4, or whatever all have a value equal to attempt #1. Life is full of all kinds of hideous challenges, and they may not be mastered in one go.
Best wishes to all,
-bora
I am thinking of you. Dont give up.
Sick n tired
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 509
Hope I feel for you. I remember being we’re you are now the awful darkness you are stuck in. But you do know that it’s just a little bit of time and if you don’t ingest anymore alcohol you will feel brighter tomorrow. Iv relapsed so many times and i thought that there was something wrong with me but it’s the alcoholism. Not you. I feel for you remembering the awful incidents of the drunken stupor next morning it’s hard as heck. Use this lapse as a line in the sand and give recovery your all. Hope you feel better soon
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,240
There are many reasons why I have remained
in recovery for 28 yrs now, however, the one
standing out the most is learning how not to
repeat old behavior again.
Once I forgave myself for wrongs done in my
life and remember that Im only human, then
I was able to put the past behind me, move
forward in a healthy, happy, honest way, and
learn from my mistakes and use them to avoid
them in the future.
in recovery for 28 yrs now, however, the one
standing out the most is learning how not to
repeat old behavior again.
Once I forgave myself for wrongs done in my
life and remember that Im only human, then
I was able to put the past behind me, move
forward in a healthy, happy, honest way, and
learn from my mistakes and use them to avoid
them in the future.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 245
Thank you, everyone, for the responses.
I'm to some extent hopeless. At times I get a weird calm, in the sense that I should just accept my faith.
A part of me thinks I just get into an inpatient program. Now it will be weeks for me to see if I got into legal trouble, getting back everything that I lost and in two months probably my body and my mind will ship me back.
Also, an inpatient program would require me to quit my job, which I can't do at the moment, unfortunately. However, I live in Germany with no German skills. So going to a program would entail to go back to my home country,
I'm to some extent hopeless. At times I get a weird calm, in the sense that I should just accept my faith.
A part of me thinks I just get into an inpatient program. Now it will be weeks for me to see if I got into legal trouble, getting back everything that I lost and in two months probably my body and my mind will ship me back.
Also, an inpatient program would require me to quit my job, which I can't do at the moment, unfortunately. However, I live in Germany with no German skills. So going to a program would entail to go back to my home country,
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
I remember many times where I felt completely hopeless, totally defeated. I had had many periods of brief abstinence...3months -1 year, but always went back. Each time with more devastating detoxes and emotional consequences. As was told to me, my addiction progressed with each relapse. I felt like I should just ride off into the sunset, bottle in hand. I didn't know 'how' others 'did this'. It felt sooooo complicated. Too big.
But that was my addiction talking. It wants me to believe I can't do this. Accept my fate. Such a massive lie...but it felt so real to me.
The truth was that my drinking and all the horrid consequences were far more difficult to maintain than the act of NOT drinking. My gawd the absolute pain I used to put myself through, all for alcohol, was stunning.
Yes, alcohol was my coping mechanism. So remove it and I feel 'unarmed' to deal with all the stress of the world. But new coping mechanisms can be learned...but it takes time. And absolute acceptance.
How bad was it before you drank? Probably not half as bad as it is now. But one things for sure, drunk consequences will eclipse any problems you had before picking up. Problem solved. Well not really.
I had to UNlearn old thinking patterns. Unlearn the idea that I am hopeless that is ********. Unlearn that drinking is a solution...because it never will be. Never.
There is a simple truth: Don't drink no matter what. Don't change your mind. Then pull together whatever resources you need to learn new ways of feeling and interacting with the inner and outer world. Go to rehab. Go to detox. See your dr. Get some therapy. Whatever it takes.
You can't go over it, or under it. You have to go through it. And you can. Believe me. Trusting that you are no different, no better than or less than, any of us. We did it. You can. And you will....but how bad do you want things to get? Because if you keep drinking, and you're still breathing, it will get worse. Trust us when we say that. We've been there.
But that was my addiction talking. It wants me to believe I can't do this. Accept my fate. Such a massive lie...but it felt so real to me.
The truth was that my drinking and all the horrid consequences were far more difficult to maintain than the act of NOT drinking. My gawd the absolute pain I used to put myself through, all for alcohol, was stunning.
Yes, alcohol was my coping mechanism. So remove it and I feel 'unarmed' to deal with all the stress of the world. But new coping mechanisms can be learned...but it takes time. And absolute acceptance.
How bad was it before you drank? Probably not half as bad as it is now. But one things for sure, drunk consequences will eclipse any problems you had before picking up. Problem solved. Well not really.
I had to UNlearn old thinking patterns. Unlearn the idea that I am hopeless that is ********. Unlearn that drinking is a solution...because it never will be. Never.
There is a simple truth: Don't drink no matter what. Don't change your mind. Then pull together whatever resources you need to learn new ways of feeling and interacting with the inner and outer world. Go to rehab. Go to detox. See your dr. Get some therapy. Whatever it takes.
You can't go over it, or under it. You have to go through it. And you can. Believe me. Trusting that you are no different, no better than or less than, any of us. We did it. You can. And you will....but how bad do you want things to get? Because if you keep drinking, and you're still breathing, it will get worse. Trust us when we say that. We've been there.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2019
Location: UK
Posts: 134
Hi Hope
I'm in a similar position. I've been convinced for a long time that I also have something seriously wrong with me. I also lost numerous belongings this past weekend and I'm just starting to see through the haze.
Keep reading and posting - If there's one thing I've learned recently, it's that the alcoholic's traits are universal. Drink of choice goes in, utter carnage ensues.
We're all here for you!
I'm in a similar position. I've been convinced for a long time that I also have something seriously wrong with me. I also lost numerous belongings this past weekend and I'm just starting to see through the haze.
Keep reading and posting - If there's one thing I've learned recently, it's that the alcoholic's traits are universal. Drink of choice goes in, utter carnage ensues.
We're all here for you!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by Hope1989 
I think I pooped in the street or in a park. I can't really recollect that or be 100% sure this happened. But I'm sure it did. I'm not sure how much legal trouble I will get for this.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,434
I suspect there have been many renegade and unauthorized poops by people in this community over the years. . . don't beat yourself up.
Just start again, and improve your sobriety plan.
What can you change to avoid temptation in the future?
Look back, figure it out, and do better in the future--
Just start again, and improve your sobriety plan.
What can you change to avoid temptation in the future?
Look back, figure it out, and do better in the future--
You can handle whatever comes.
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