Thank you, everyone, for the responses.
I'm to some extent hopeless. At times I get a weird calm, in the sense that I should just accept my faith.
A part of me thinks I just get into an inpatient program. Now it will be weeks for me to see if I got into legal trouble, getting back everything that I lost and in two months probably my body and my mind will ship me back.
Also, an inpatient program would require me to quit my job, which I can't do at the moment, unfortunately. However, I live in Germany with no German skills. So going to a program would entail to go back to my home country,