Doris47

It's 9am in the u.k and I'm having serious thoughts of getting smashed. Haven't felt like this in a while, I feel the pressure pot is about to explode. My brain is screaming at me today. So I've come on here.
I think I've said, I do suffer with my own well being and today everything is very very black. The clouds are rolling in and I can't do anything to stop them. I know it will pass eventually. I think it's my up and coming appointment with the shrink, having to rake up old ground, I'm not sleeping well at the moment, and I just can't put on the fake smile anymore.
I'm not saying" oh poor me" I'm just getting it out. Because if I leave it inside it could be catastrophic.
I don't want to go back to my usual coping mechanism, I want to face it, but it's damn hard today.
I'm mentally, physically worn down at the moment (part of my other demons)
I know I need to get up and do something and I will after I've got all this crap out. I will do whatever it takes to stop me getting smashed.
It's a day of irrational thoughts (exactly what they are,just thoughts)
It takes awhile to get outta this mind set,and I will get outta it. It's the here and now. Just have to push forward an keep focused.
I have everything to help me get well again in place, so it's now down to me to fight as hard as I can today.
Doris 💖🙏

WhyNotNowMe

You can do this!

Guener

A big part of SR recovery for me is letting out the junk, too. It has helped me in the past and no doubt will do so again. I'm hoping that just putting it all down will be the first thing for you in squashing that AV today and getting through it.

Doris47

Yeah it definitely helps getting it out, I find it hard to talk about myself. Makes me feel a little vulnerable. But I'm working on myself everyday x

Doris47

I dont believe this, th e appointment has just been cancelled. I've just got off the phone to them. She has to attend some tribunal, I've been working myself up to this for a couple of weeks. They are sending me a new appointment out 😣

Guener

That's frustrating to be sure, I'm sorry to hear about the last minute cancellation notice you received. Maybe you should go out and do something to take your mind away from it for a while until the ideas settle down. I have had the same thing happen to me, and I don't like it either, when you've mentally been working up toward what you think you're going to talk about.

Doris47

I know for the last couple of weeks it's been on my mind, the fear of opening up, I stutter when I talk about myself,and can't get my words out. I've been mentally preparing for this. Booked time off work. Fretted and paced. I know it can't be helped but I've put a lot of time into thinking about all of this.

BrianK

Thank you for sharing all this! As I read your post I could feel my own insides churning just like they do before I go grab beer. I'm thinking, "Man, that's the real deal, right there on the screen in front of me." In fact, I was journaling about 10 minutes ago how if this program is going to work, I'm going to need to share my low points with people, too, and not just the good stuff.

Quick thought...you were working up to sharing your feelings, had a weak moment, and then came on here and did just that! And you're still sober. Sounds kinda like the good that was supposed to come from the appointment happened without going

Not trying to bypass your situation or minimize it. But I just felt a sense that more might be going here and appears at first glance. I don't know, and I don't like it when I'm down and people try to be too upbeat. I pray your day gets better, and I plan to log on tonight when I get home, sober, and hope to see it turned out good for you, too!

Peace to you, and thanks again for sharing the stuff we all think sometimes, but (at least in my case), rarely have the guts to share.

Guener

At times in therapy I can still be defensive about myself or even calculating. When I have a good therapist sitting across from me they will make me feel comfortable and I will sometimes blurt something out that surprises me. But it's not something to fear, even though it always makes me a little uncomfortable until I'm actually a few minutes into the session. Remember that that person is there to try to help you, and if you feel that they are not you can change to somebody else. The more that you go to therapy, the easier it becomes.

Doris47

Thank you BK I think because this site is anonymous it's easier to share, without fear of judgement. I have up days, down day, bleugh days, angry days all of it. But who doesn't eh ��. I try to rationalize my thoughts which isn't easy some days as I struggle with the black cloud, I feel as though I'm fighting against everything some days, (all in my head) I get tired and worn out with feelings. Which why it's a blow to have my appointment cancelled. But I will carry on fighting today. I will stay sober, I've come to far to let it slide now, I'm just leaning heavy on you guys now. I need you ����

Doris47

Thank you so much for this, I'm scared of opening a can of worms to be honest, I have a few issues to work through. My friends said the same " it's on your terms" I have to remember that it's all part of the process. Xx

BrianK

Doris, your sharing is helping me so much! What you share jumps off the screen at me and screams, "This is where your thinking goes, Brian! And it ain't just you!" Whenever I get in that mindset it also comes with the added "bonus" of thinking I'm the only one who feels like that. And I get like that between every week to every month. At least once a month for sure. And for me it usually starts as some small comment or misunderstanding that my ego nurses and cooks into a major conflict, like my own little inner Jerry Springer show. I notice it happen sooner now, and a psychologist (acting as spiritual director, but the guy's really good!) pointed out what a gift we receive when become aware of those seemingly meaningless triggering moments. That's part of the new freedom the program promises: we can stop the snowball before it's even hand-sized versus letting it roll up into a freight train that finds us smashed (is it too early for inappropriate and poorly constructed puns )

DriGuy

Getting through today without a drink will be a step forward.

Dee74

Hi Dopris

Maybe spending some time on a recovery action plan today might help?
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...very-plan.html (What exactly is a recovery plan?)

D

WhoDeyPI

I wanted to get smashed on Saturday. I had nothing to do, no one wanted to hang out, all I wanted to do was get black out drunk. Instead, I went for a drive, cleared my head, stopped at the store to get something delicious to eat, went home, watched a movie, went to bed. Woke up the next day and the feeling was gone.

You got this!

Doris47

Just checking in, I just wanted to say even though the thoughts take over my thinking at times. I'm not going to act on them. It was how I was feeling at 9am. I've done the housework, taken the pup out for a short walk and had a sleep. My son will be home from school shortly. I also have circuits tonight. So all is good. I just wanted to get out how I was feeling. It's still very early days for me, I have no intention of getting smashed, I just felt like it. I had to go shopping as well, and no alcohol fell in my trolley. X

entropy1964

Oh that's a bummer that he rescheduled. Ya know, you don't actually have to do anything in the apt. Just go. If you aren't ready to talk about much, don't. Its your apt, don't feel you have to 'do it right'.

My daughter used to do this and she stopped going to therapy because she couldn't stand the silence (amongst other things). I would suggest not having expectations of your 'performance'. There is no right or wrong way. Just go and let things happen organically.

Helianthus

Hi Doris

I'm sorry you are finding it so tough right now, l had a very stressful period at the beginning of the year and it really made me realise that, for all the new coping skills l thought l had been learning, they don't work if you only pull them out when the stress is already super high. The good news is that once you get through this time (and l think you will), next time will be easier.

For me, l think that's it's the hard times that test me are the thing that help me and my recovery the most.

Stay strong Doris!

DriGuy

Thanks for explaining that. I suspected that was the case, but when you don't know for sure, it's a little unsettling.

Finallytime

How are things going Doris?