WhoDeyPI

Day 274.

Not to downplay the struggles of sobriety, but up until this point, staying sober has been a breeze for me. I haven't craved alcohol. In fact, I have had absolutely no desire to drink it. I've had it shoved in my face, and have had every opportunity to drink, but just don't want to.

Feeling a little different these past few days, and I don't like it. I'm bored. I'm bored at work. I'm bored when I'm not at work. I'm just bored. My routine bores me. The routine that I have leaned on and credit my sobriety with, bores me. The things that I used to enjoy doing...being outside, hiking, working out, kayaking, eating....even eating bores me.

I've been in total control of my life for 274 days.

I want to feel out of control again.

biminiblue

Ha.

I can control little bits of my life - for a while. I'm not making fun of you, I just have to laugh a bit at the control thing. I've learned things are always changing and when I get a bit of a peaceful lull it sort of makes me uneasy. "What next?"

Take up something a little more dangerous like skydiving. That will fix it.

Blessings. I hope you find gratitude in your day.

doggonecarl

So you're bored. This may have absolutely nothing to with quitting drinking and sobriety...

...unless you start thinking about drinking.

ChloeRose63

Dance naked around your house!

WhoDeyPI

Thinking about the last time I felt totally out of control....

If I can't shake this feeling I might get all adventurous and go to my first AA meeting

lessgravity

Life is always what it is - merciless suffering, epiphanies of joy, long stretches of interminable boredom, good food, bad food, good people, bad people and on and on. Life doesnt revert to the simple carefree days of childhood merely because we got sober. Life doesn't convert into meaning and fun or anything we want it to, just because we got sober.

But life is filled with much less shame and pain and shame and regret them it was when we drank. Not sure what you mean by out of control - maybe you mean out of your head, free from your thoughts, in a state of oblivion? Drinking will get you there. Ah, but the price it demands we pay....

fini

ha! nobody is in total control of their life in any moment, never mind many days

but i think i know what you might mean. you miss the massive kick that can come with being out of control?

yes! check out some AA meetings. might get you excited in any number of ways.

ScottFromWI

You seem to keep dancing around this idea without actuallly saying it, but if you are equating being "out of control" to drinking alcohol then yes, by all means hit a meeting. It would definitely change up your routine for one, and it would give you some insight as well.

It is also 100% acceptable to not be "in control" of our entire lives. In fact, it's impossible to be in control of everything. I would argue that there is acually very little we can control outside of our decisions. So if you are having thoughts of drinking that's perfectly fine - but you can control your reaction to said feelings by either acting on them directly ( bad idea ) or learning more about them and taking alternative action ( good idea ).

JScatt

I felt like that at about 8 months sober. After my head cleared I jumped into my old hobbies (which I love) full force then kinda got burned out and well kinda bored of them.
Since it sounds like you are in control of your sobriety I'm assuming your feeling of wanting to be "out of control" doesn't mean you want to start a week long bender.
What helped me get out of the "bored" funk was volunteering for DAV, disabled veterans of America, I met and helped a lot of great American vets, driving them to appointments, taking them shopping etc..
I grew bored with entertaining myself and decided to help others with all my new found energy and positivity that being sober and normal brings

WhoDeyPI

I've just found myself randomly missing the days of drinking.
Feeling on top of the world.
Living like nothing else matters.
Taking a few "shots for the road" before hitting the bar scene.
Just being totally out of control and irresponsible.
It's stupid to think about...
I feel stupid for missing it...
I guess it was only a matter of time until the addict in me came back.

If I drink, I'll die. That should be enough, right?

DreamCatcher17

I would love to give you some of my non-boring ish I have going on May keep it interesting for you, lol.
In all seriousness, I found I was bored too. I found a hobby. I found painting to be meditative and I have actually sold some pieces, never was it for money but why not?!
Expand the mind, try something you never thought you would try An AA meeting sounds great too.

Blessings,
DC

WhoDeyPI

That's a good way to look at it. I mean I don't "plan" to go on a week long bender...and don't think I ever would. I guess I'm trying to "nip it in the bud" before it gets to that.

Hevyn

WhoDey - I'm glad you shared so honestly what's going on.
I had similar thoughts the first year or so of my sobriety. I was very grateful to be sober & treasured the fact that I was no longer dependent. But I felt a bit resentful at times, even though I knew the old so-called 'fun' would only lead to chaos & disaster. Eventually those restless feelings left me almost entirely. I'm not sure why. I do think a meeting would be a good idea - I'm sure others can relate to what you're feeling. It helps not to feel alone - and you aren't.

Let us know how you're doing, please.

ScottFromWI

Very common thoughts for us to have. But they are very misleading and only share part of the story - some are flat out lies too. And you aren't "stupid" for having them - we all have. The "addict in us" never goes away - it's always there.

Regarding your last comment, i would say definitely not. Using consequences as the sole deterrent for drinking rarely ends well. Mainly because almost all of the consequences are temporary to a point. Having some kind of tangible plan for how you will live your life without alcohol is important IMHO. What that plan is will vary.

JScatt

when those thoughts hit me, my go to was always the "play the tape forward" thing, Towards the end those "few shots" led me to loosing my excellent job, folks I cared about and my sanity.
Its not stupid to think about it but it would be stupid to act on it.
You are just in a funky phase, it will pass. I'm not an AA person but you mentioned going to a meeting, go for it

biminiblue

I thought WhoDey has been given a terminal diagnosis, regardless of whether or not he drinks again. (? WhoDey?)

That is difficult, regardless.

I met a man in AA who had to have a liver transplant because of his alcoholism.

His new liver got liver cancer. I don't know how his story ended, but he was struggling to stay sober.

At some point it comes down to, "Do you want to live, even if it's only a few days/months longer with sobriety." That's a tough one.

Skydiving, though. Highly recommend. Lot of drinking and drugging in that sport, though. Bull-riding!?!

WhoDeyPI

Whoa buddy let's pump the brakes on the "terminal diagnosis" talk. I don't like how any of that sounds.

My diagnosis is stage 4 liver failure, cirrhosis, among other things. When my diagnosis was given back in September 2018, I was told that if I didn't stop drinking right then, I would have maybe a few weeks. I was told if I stopped drinking completely, I have about a 25% chance of living longer than 4 years.

Right now, I'm too busy living to be dying.

djlook

WhoDeypl

djlook

WhoDeypl

Whoops. Try this again.

I'm glad to hear you're pondering attending your first AA meeting. If you choose to go to a meeting, sharing your experience, strength, and hope and what's going on with you, will probably help another suffering alcoholic. You have a lot to share at 274 days sober.

ScottFromWI

That's good. Amend that to "I'm too busy living sober to be dying" and take some action to back it up and you'll be surprised how far you will get.

Your original question was about having thoughts of drinking - channel some of the energy you have into working through that. Sobriety is not a contest to see who can do it with the least effort or for the longest amount of time, it's about making your own life a better one. And it's perfectly OK to admit that you are struggling, even if it was very "easy" to this point.