Has anyone tried to sabotage your sobriety?
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Originally Posted by Bathbomb 
I mean once you quit drinking. Sabotaged your sobriety.
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Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by Bathbomb
Thank you all for your thoughts.
I guess I am just feeling a bit overwhelmed at the moment. I'm trying to keep everyone happy, keep the household running smoothly, raise my children to be good people and give my all at work. I naively thought my problems would all be solved by just not drinking. I blamed my drinking for everything going wrong. Maybe I was drinking because everything was going wrong.
Day 28 here I come.
I guess I am just feeling a bit overwhelmed at the moment. I'm trying to keep everyone happy, keep the household running smoothly, raise my children to be good people and give my all at work. I naively thought my problems would all be solved by just not drinking. I blamed my drinking for everything going wrong. Maybe I was drinking because everything was going wrong.
Day 28 here I come.
a few question for ya on this:
I'm trying to keep everyone happy, keep the household running smoothly, raise my children to be good people and give my all at work.
is it your responsibility to keep everyone happy? how do you determine if the household is running smoothly? how do you determine if youre raising your children to be good people? how to you determine if youre giving your all at work?
youre a human being. not a human doing.
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Hi Bathbomb, congrats on 28 days!
My friends who also had a heavy drinking problem did try to sabotage me. I do not necessarily feel it was conscious. They lost their drinking friend, and if I quit because I had a problem, what does that say about themselves? I think my quitting forced them to look at their own issue, but they couldn’t, so they just stayed in denial. Tried to convince me that I didn’t have a problem so they could justify their own drinking
Years ago, I had an issue with my husband as well. When I first told him I thought I was an alcoholic, he was in disbelief. No way, he said. “You are too highly functional and successful.” Can’t really blame him or anyone else for feeling that since I drank in secret and was good at hiding it for a long time. He also told me that it bothered him I wanted to quit altogether instead of moderate because it would effect his lifestyle. We used to go wine tasting a lot with friends. I couldn’t believe he said that. So, what he said helped me to convince myself I didn’t really have a problem, plus I didn’t want him to miss out on his fun wine snob life.
This led to a couple more years of progressively worsened drinking, health and other problems, until I finally got myself together. At that point, my husband was catching on to the problem, and I was more open about the history of my drinking. Many times at first, I questioned if we’d stay together, and I was prepared to leave. Fortunately, a lot has changed for the better, thanks to therapy in part, and he is very supportive now.
You are correct that all of your problems won’t go away just because you stop drinking. I started heavy drinking because of special needs parenting stress. I didn’t cause this from drinking, and this will not go away. But there were also many problems made worse by my drinking, and many new problem,s I created. In my final drinking days, I was so depressed, anxious and alone that I truly didn’t care if I lived.
My life is so much better now that I don’t drink anymore. Being sober, I am able to manage life challenges more productively, and I am able to stay on the positive side of everything. I have a much better relationship with my son and have been able to focus on support resources for him. My husband is a normie drinker so I am lucky that way. I know not everyone is.
My friends who also had a heavy drinking problem did try to sabotage me. I do not necessarily feel it was conscious. They lost their drinking friend, and if I quit because I had a problem, what does that say about themselves? I think my quitting forced them to look at their own issue, but they couldn’t, so they just stayed in denial. Tried to convince me that I didn’t have a problem so they could justify their own drinking
Years ago, I had an issue with my husband as well. When I first told him I thought I was an alcoholic, he was in disbelief. No way, he said. “You are too highly functional and successful.” Can’t really blame him or anyone else for feeling that since I drank in secret and was good at hiding it for a long time. He also told me that it bothered him I wanted to quit altogether instead of moderate because it would effect his lifestyle. We used to go wine tasting a lot with friends. I couldn’t believe he said that. So, what he said helped me to convince myself I didn’t really have a problem, plus I didn’t want him to miss out on his fun wine snob life.
This led to a couple more years of progressively worsened drinking, health and other problems, until I finally got myself together. At that point, my husband was catching on to the problem, and I was more open about the history of my drinking. Many times at first, I questioned if we’d stay together, and I was prepared to leave. Fortunately, a lot has changed for the better, thanks to therapy in part, and he is very supportive now.
You are correct that all of your problems won’t go away just because you stop drinking. I started heavy drinking because of special needs parenting stress. I didn’t cause this from drinking, and this will not go away. But there were also many problems made worse by my drinking, and many new problem,s I created. In my final drinking days, I was so depressed, anxious and alone that I truly didn’t care if I lived.
My life is so much better now that I don’t drink anymore. Being sober, I am able to manage life challenges more productively, and I am able to stay on the positive side of everything. I have a much better relationship with my son and have been able to focus on support resources for him. My husband is a normie drinker so I am lucky that way. I know not everyone is.
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Originally Posted by tomsteve
thats a good observation,Bathbomb. its said here now and then and holds true for me,too: drinking wasnt my problem. it was my solution.everything going wrong???? drink- it will make it all better! when i got sober all of those problems i used alcohol to solve were front and center. it was a wee bit overwhelming for quite some time. i kept working at learning about myself and how to live life on lifes terms having faith in the people helping me were right- that if i put in the footwork, many of the problems would disappear.
a few question for ya on this:
I'm trying to keep everyone happy, keep the household running smoothly, raise my children to be good people and give my all at work.
is it your responsibility to keep everyone happy? how do you determine if the household is running smoothly? how do you determine if youre raising your children to be good people? how to you determine if youre giving your all at work?
youre a human being. not a human doing.
a few question for ya on this:
I'm trying to keep everyone happy, keep the household running smoothly, raise my children to be good people and give my all at work.
is it your responsibility to keep everyone happy? how do you determine if the household is running smoothly? how do you determine if youre raising your children to be good people? how to you determine if youre giving your all at work?
youre a human being. not a human doing.
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Posts: 132
Originally Posted by Fearlessat50
Hi Bathbomb, congrats on 28 days!
My friends who also had a heavy drinking problem did try to sabotage me. I do not necessarily feel it was conscious. They lost their drinking friend, and if I quit because I had a problem, what does that say about themselves? I think my quitting forced them to look at their own issue, but they couldn’t, so they just stayed in denial. Tried to convince me that I didn’t have a problem so they could justify their own drinking
Years ago, I had an issue with my husband as well. When I first told him I thought I was an alcoholic, he was in disbelief. No way, he said. “You are too highly functional and successful.” Can’t really blame him or anyone else for feeling that since I drank in secret and was good at hiding it for a long time. He also told me that it bothered him I wanted to quit altogether instead of moderate because it would effect his lifestyle. We used to go wine tasting a lot with friends. I couldn’t believe he said that. So, what he said helped me to convince myself I didn’t really have a problem, plus I didn’t want him to miss out on his fun wine snob life.
This led to a couple more years of progressively worsened drinking, health and other problems, until I finally got myself together. At that point, my husband was catching on to the problem, and I was more open about the history of my drinking. Many times at first, I questioned if we’d stay together, and I was prepared to leave. Fortunately, a lot has changed for the better, thanks to therapy in part, and he is very supportive now.
You are correct that all of your problems won’t go away just because you stop drinking. I started heavy drinking because of special needs parenting stress. I didn’t cause this from drinking, and this will not go away. But there were also many problems made worse by my drinking, and many new problem,s I created. In my final drinking days, I was so depressed, anxious and alone that I truly didn’t care if I lived.
My life is so much better now that I don’t drink anymore. Being sober, I am able to manage life challenges more productively, and I am able to stay on the positive side of everything. I have a much better relationship with my son and have been able to focus on support resources for him. My husband is a normie drinker so I am lucky that way. I know not everyone is.
My friends who also had a heavy drinking problem did try to sabotage me. I do not necessarily feel it was conscious. They lost their drinking friend, and if I quit because I had a problem, what does that say about themselves? I think my quitting forced them to look at their own issue, but they couldn’t, so they just stayed in denial. Tried to convince me that I didn’t have a problem so they could justify their own drinking
Years ago, I had an issue with my husband as well. When I first told him I thought I was an alcoholic, he was in disbelief. No way, he said. “You are too highly functional and successful.” Can’t really blame him or anyone else for feeling that since I drank in secret and was good at hiding it for a long time. He also told me that it bothered him I wanted to quit altogether instead of moderate because it would effect his lifestyle. We used to go wine tasting a lot with friends. I couldn’t believe he said that. So, what he said helped me to convince myself I didn’t really have a problem, plus I didn’t want him to miss out on his fun wine snob life.
This led to a couple more years of progressively worsened drinking, health and other problems, until I finally got myself together. At that point, my husband was catching on to the problem, and I was more open about the history of my drinking. Many times at first, I questioned if we’d stay together, and I was prepared to leave. Fortunately, a lot has changed for the better, thanks to therapy in part, and he is very supportive now.
You are correct that all of your problems won’t go away just because you stop drinking. I started heavy drinking because of special needs parenting stress. I didn’t cause this from drinking, and this will not go away. But there were also many problems made worse by my drinking, and many new problem,s I created. In my final drinking days, I was so depressed, anxious and alone that I truly didn’t care if I lived.
My life is so much better now that I don’t drink anymore. Being sober, I am able to manage life challenges more productively, and I am able to stay on the positive side of everything. I have a much better relationship with my son and have been able to focus on support resources for him. My husband is a normie drinker so I am lucky that way. I know not everyone is.
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Originally Posted by Caprice6
Does his drinking bother you? We're all on our separate individual paths, time will tell.
You seem to put much more on your plate and are putting a lot of effort into your household, family, work and abstinence. Nothing will ever be perfect, but not drinking is definitely gonna help.
You seem to put much more on your plate and are putting a lot of effort into your household, family, work and abstinence. Nothing will ever be perfect, but not drinking is definitely gonna help.
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Originally Posted by Bathbomb
Thanks this all makes sense. I'll try and answer you but this could require another coffee. I'm a people pleaser. I know I'm working on it. It does nothing but create resentment. I guess all of the above is determined if everyone is happy. There's a million things that go on behind the scenes that mostly wives and mothers do that go unnoticed. The only time they are noticed is if they're not done. For example having school clothes washed and ready, signing that excursion permission form on time, organising a cake for Fred at works birthday, making sure the dog gets its medication. If all these things are done everything runs smoothly. It's a thing. It's called emotional labour. Anyway I guess I'm just a little annoyed that I don't get the support in return. Sorry to rave on it helps to get it out though.
emotional labor- pretty draining,eh? i think i was more drained from that than the physical labor of my occupation. former people pleaser here-in a way. i can still be a people pleaser but now the motive has changed. in the past it was to make myself feel better about myself. when people didnt recognize or show appreciation for what i did to help them? them resentments came up.
something i was told( not suggested- my AA sponsor straight up told me to do this. he had a way of knowing when i needed a suggestion and when i needed to be told what to do) to do:
every time i went to do something for someone else,check my motive for why i was doing it. turned out i was doing a lot out of low self esteem, insecurities, and selfishness. seeing the appreciation from someone i helped or did something for made me feel better about myself. if they didnt show that appreciation?
when that happened i was being selfish- the actions werent truly to help someone-the actions were to help me feel better about myself- to boost my self esteem and feel less insecure. people liking me helped me feel better about myself because i didnt truly feel good about myself.
LOTS or work( and a crapton of bumps,bruises,frustrations, exhaustion...and some other stuff,too
) later, when i go to help people its just to help. no more people pleasing because.....welp...if people cant please themselves i cant either and i kinda love myself today.i understand about the work of a wife and mother. im a wee bit older. ive lived in my nieces home for the last 4 years. she has a 5 year old now(hes my little buddy!). theres a LOT involved in raising a child( daycare and all involved with that alone.thats the reason i live with her now. daycare was astronomically expensive. lil guy gets sick, has to go to doc,cant go back to day care without a doctors notice, still has to pay for daycare when he's not there, miss work, added doc bill... a child getting sick is expensive! then add on the house repairs- uncle toms fix it service works for chocolate chip cookies.
). Bb- do you make any "youtime?" do you set aside any time for just YOU during the week? even during each day?
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Originally Posted by tomsteve
i give ya credit for something i havent read in this thread- recognizing the emotional crap and not saying,"im gonna drink,dammit!" 
emotional labor- pretty draining,eh? i think i was more drained from that than the physical labor of my occupation. former people pleaser here-in a way. i can still be a people pleaser but now the motive has changed. in the past it was to make myself feel better about myself. when people didnt recognize or show appreciation for what i did to help them? them resentments came up.
something i was told( not suggested- my AA sponsor straight up told me to do this. he had a way of knowing when i needed a suggestion and when i needed to be told what to do) to do:
every time i went to do something for someone else,check my motive for why i was doing it. turned out i was doing a lot out of low self esteem, insecurities, and selfishness. seeing the appreciation from someone i helped or did something for made me feel better about myself. if they didnt show that appreciation?
when that happened i was being selfish- the actions werent truly to help someone-the actions were to help me feel better about myself- to boost my self esteem and feel less insecure. people liking me helped me feel better about myself because i didnt truly feel good about myself.
LOTS or work( and a crapton of bumps,bruises,frustrations, exhaustion...and some other stuff,too ) later, when i go to help people its just to help. no more people pleasing because.....welp...if people cant please themselves i cant either and i kinda love myself today.
i understand about the work of a wife and mother. im a wee bit older. ive lived in my nieces home for the last 4 years. she has a 5 year old now(hes my little buddy!). theres a LOT involved in raising a child( daycare and all involved with that alone.thats the reason i live with her now. daycare was astronomically expensive. lil guy gets sick, has to go to doc,cant go back to day care without a doctors notice, still has to pay for daycare when he's not there, miss work, added doc bill... a child getting sick is expensive! then add on the house repairs- uncle toms fix it service works for chocolate chip cookies. ).
Bb- do you make any "youtime?" do you set aside any time for just YOU during the week? even during each day?
emotional labor- pretty draining,eh? i think i was more drained from that than the physical labor of my occupation. former people pleaser here-in a way. i can still be a people pleaser but now the motive has changed. in the past it was to make myself feel better about myself. when people didnt recognize or show appreciation for what i did to help them? them resentments came up.
something i was told( not suggested- my AA sponsor straight up told me to do this. he had a way of knowing when i needed a suggestion and when i needed to be told what to do) to do:
every time i went to do something for someone else,check my motive for why i was doing it. turned out i was doing a lot out of low self esteem, insecurities, and selfishness. seeing the appreciation from someone i helped or did something for made me feel better about myself. if they didnt show that appreciation?
when that happened i was being selfish- the actions werent truly to help someone-the actions were to help me feel better about myself- to boost my self esteem and feel less insecure. people liking me helped me feel better about myself because i didnt truly feel good about myself.
LOTS or work( and a crapton of bumps,bruises,frustrations, exhaustion...and some other stuff,too
) later, when i go to help people its just to help. no more people pleasing because.....welp...if people cant please themselves i cant either and i kinda love myself today.i understand about the work of a wife and mother. im a wee bit older. ive lived in my nieces home for the last 4 years. she has a 5 year old now(hes my little buddy!). theres a LOT involved in raising a child( daycare and all involved with that alone.thats the reason i live with her now. daycare was astronomically expensive. lil guy gets sick, has to go to doc,cant go back to day care without a doctors notice, still has to pay for daycare when he's not there, miss work, added doc bill... a child getting sick is expensive! then add on the house repairs- uncle toms fix it service works for chocolate chip cookies.
).Bb- do you make any "youtime?" do you set aside any time for just YOU during the week? even during each day?
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Originally Posted by Bathbomb
Thank you all for your thoughts.
I guess I am just feeling a bit overwhelmed at the moment. I'm trying to keep everyone happy, keep the household running smoothly, raise my children to be good people and give my all at work. I naively thought my problems would all be solved by just not drinking. I blamed my drinking for everything going wrong. Maybe I was drinking because everything was going wrong.
Day 28 here I come.
I guess I am just feeling a bit overwhelmed at the moment. I'm trying to keep everyone happy, keep the household running smoothly, raise my children to be good people and give my all at work. I naively thought my problems would all be solved by just not drinking. I blamed my drinking for everything going wrong. Maybe I was drinking because everything was going wrong.
Day 28 here I come.
My first thought to your OP was "Gosh, no." I never use the word gosh but that's what popped up! I wouldn't do it, couldn't accept that in my life, and I'm so grateful I don't have to - my now husband and I starting dating when we were both sober. Newly so, but still...
However, like folks have said- lots of people in relationships and marriages experience just what, or similar to, you are. My mom and dad sure did- and after 48 yrs and change of marriage and probably 35 of those involving my mom's active alcoholism, periods of sobriety, etc...my dad's about as close as a non-alcoholic can come to understanding.
Ultimately, they did want to stay married and both of them owning that each had a role but that only she could get and stay sober for herself was the critical point.
I would strongly suggest you add an Al Anon or other spouse of support method to your recovery plan, whatever it is.
Best to you and glad you are here.
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Originally Posted by August252015
Glad you are here and you have been sharing some increasingly aware stuff, and thoughtfulness just in your continued posts! That's brave - and part of the honesty starting with ourselves that IMO and IME is critical to our own sobriety.
My first thought to your OP was "Gosh, no." I never use the word gosh but that's what popped up! I wouldn't do it, couldn't accept that in my life, and I'm so grateful I don't have to - my now husband and I starting dating when we were both sober. Newly so, but still...
However, like folks have said- lots of people in relationships and marriages experience just what, or similar to, you are. My mom and dad sure did- and after 48 yrs and change of marriage and probably 35 of those involving my mom's active alcoholism, periods of sobriety, etc...my dad's about as close as a non-alcoholic can come to understanding.
Ultimately, they did want to stay married and both of them owning that each had a role but that only she could get and stay sober for herself was the critical point.
I would strongly suggest you add an Al Anon or other spouse of support method to your recovery plan, whatever it is.
Best to you and glad you are here.
My first thought to your OP was "Gosh, no." I never use the word gosh but that's what popped up! I wouldn't do it, couldn't accept that in my life, and I'm so grateful I don't have to - my now husband and I starting dating when we were both sober. Newly so, but still...
However, like folks have said- lots of people in relationships and marriages experience just what, or similar to, you are. My mom and dad sure did- and after 48 yrs and change of marriage and probably 35 of those involving my mom's active alcoholism, periods of sobriety, etc...my dad's about as close as a non-alcoholic can come to understanding.
Ultimately, they did want to stay married and both of them owning that each had a role but that only she could get and stay sober for herself was the critical point.
I would strongly suggest you add an Al Anon or other spouse of support method to your recovery plan, whatever it is.
Best to you and glad you are here.
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Had a group of guys that I used to loosely associate (and use) with stop over yesterday to purchase my old truck that had been parked for ~18months in the side yard. It required a jump, 3/4 tires were flat, and I had to clean a bunch of crap out of it. During the process of getting it back into running order I was offered beer, tequila, edibles (marijuana) and invited to a cookout/bonfire/party where they had come from. I declined one guy & had another ask a few minutes later - once I stated that I was 8 months+ sober and that I didn't "party" anymore they were all really respectful and said I was still welcome to stop over and grab some food or whatever, if I wanted. No additional pressure or invites to drink/use. Not a true sabotage, but it served as yet another reminder to me that I need to stay vigilant and guard my sobriety and recovery. People, places, & things.
I actually have to consider myself very fortunate in this respect, b/c the two actual using friends (not acquaintances, but actual friends of 20 & 30+ years) who could have potentially swayed me to use in the past would not even come over to my house if they were "on some BS" because they had too much respect for me. I feel a debt of gratitude to them and to my higher power for this fact, because I haven't always had my feet planted this solidly. Lord only knows that there were times when it wouldn't have taken anything more than an easy opportunity to load up and go on another run.
My wife and I have used and drank together in the past, but we are both clean and sober today. I have immense gratitude for this as well, because I can only imagine the hell we would be living in (and were, for a time) if either one of us was still active in our addictions or behaving badly as a result of wanting to use.
Best wishes to you, Bathbomb.
I actually have to consider myself very fortunate in this respect, b/c the two actual using friends (not acquaintances, but actual friends of 20 & 30+ years) who could have potentially swayed me to use in the past would not even come over to my house if they were "on some BS" because they had too much respect for me. I feel a debt of gratitude to them and to my higher power for this fact, because I haven't always had my feet planted this solidly. Lord only knows that there were times when it wouldn't have taken anything more than an easy opportunity to load up and go on another run.
My wife and I have used and drank together in the past, but we are both clean and sober today. I have immense gratitude for this as well, because I can only imagine the hell we would be living in (and were, for a time) if either one of us was still active in our addictions or behaving badly as a result of wanting to use.
Best wishes to you, Bathbomb.
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Glad you're here with us and posting good stuff for us to collectively assess, Bath.
When someone gets sober, he or she unintentionally creates a threat to their heavy drinking friends and family members.
Those people, including my own parents (my mother was a nightly drunk for decades and my father was an enabler and a heavy drinker himself) and former drinking buddies cut a wide path around me.
They liked me better when I was a drunk.
You have greater entanglements to deal with than I did when I got sober, but I commend your efforts.
My loyalty is to my sobriety first and then to everyone else and everything.
If my sobriety is problematic to a drunk, he or she has a problem I don't have (to paraphrase my sponsor).
Keep us posted.
Congrats on your sober time and hard work.
When someone gets sober, he or she unintentionally creates a threat to their heavy drinking friends and family members.
Those people, including my own parents (my mother was a nightly drunk for decades and my father was an enabler and a heavy drinker himself) and former drinking buddies cut a wide path around me.
They liked me better when I was a drunk.
You have greater entanglements to deal with than I did when I got sober, but I commend your efforts.
My loyalty is to my sobriety first and then to everyone else and everything.
If my sobriety is problematic to a drunk, he or she has a problem I don't have (to paraphrase my sponsor).
Keep us posted.
Congrats on your sober time and hard work.
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Thanks Pressmetilihurt, Chance219 and SoberCAH. You gave me so much to think about.
Chance219 you are very fortunate to be surrounded by such supportive friends and family. I can't help but be a little envious.
SoberCAH 'unintentionally creates a threat' Bingo. I hear you. I've been so busy jumping up and down complaining about having no support that I thought I would just automatically get I didn't think how my not drinking would affect my husband. I still think he's a turd for not being supportive but I think I get it. My marriage sounds like your parents. I'm not blaming my husband in any way but the last 2 years I did feel pressure to drink. Towards the end I didn't even enjoy it. It just became a terrible habit.
I'm a sponge at the moment soaking everthing I read and hear in so thank you I appreciate it.
Chance219 you are very fortunate to be surrounded by such supportive friends and family. I can't help but be a little envious.
SoberCAH 'unintentionally creates a threat' Bingo. I hear you. I've been so busy jumping up and down complaining about having no support that I thought I would just automatically get I didn't think how my not drinking would affect my husband. I still think he's a turd for not being supportive but I think I get it. My marriage sounds like your parents. I'm not blaming my husband in any way but the last 2 years I did feel pressure to drink. Towards the end I didn't even enjoy it. It just became a terrible habit.
I'm a sponge at the moment soaking everthing I read and hear in so thank you I appreciate it.
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