Does anyone else judge newcomers in real life?
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Join Date: Nov 2018
Location: Madrid, Spain.
Posts: 172
Originally Posted by nez 
If I find myself being judgemental, it is a result of looking for differences. If instead, I look for similarities, empathy results. I become part of, rather than apart from.
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Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 319
No. I see myself
Im better than I was, more knowledgable than I was, but I see lost, confused, cluelessness as to how this happened, cluess as to how to just be normal again and so desperately wanting to...
I feel so badly for people so chemically, and emotionally screwed up they have lost themselves
And its hard to just "get it" when youve decended to that point
Im better than I was, more knowledgable than I was, but I see lost, confused, cluelessness as to how this happened, cluess as to how to just be normal again and so desperately wanting to...
I feel so badly for people so chemically, and emotionally screwed up they have lost themselves
And its hard to just "get it" when youve decended to that point
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by Mango212
Neither lesser than nor greater than.
A beautiful topic and way of seeing my life.
#thankyou12stepmeetings
#recoveryactions
A beautiful topic and way of seeing my life.
#thankyou12stepmeetings
#recoveryactions
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Originally Posted by Frickaflip233
Your first post here is about resentments and how they are mostly toward people in AA....I think I got that right.
I dunno. I would suggest looking in the mirror and ask why the resentments, why the judgments? Maybe this is more connected to feelings that you have about yourself? Your own self image.
I know I have nooooo place judging anyone. I do at times, but that's on me.
I dunno. I would suggest looking in the mirror and ask why the resentments, why the judgments? Maybe this is more connected to feelings that you have about yourself? Your own self image.
I know I have nooooo place judging anyone. I do at times, but that's on me.
Pgs 84-88 and 417-418 are key to this and pretty crucial stuff to get and keep each of us on our right path.
Just sayin'.
Oh and judging newcomers - no, but sure, I can get frustrated. I gotta re-focus that to what I was like as a newcomer. My style of sponsoring, working my program, etc works for me and it will either help a sponsee or friend- or not. Either way, my lane is up to me and....helping newcomers can mean a lot of stuff but not judgment.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,169
We all judge. It's part of survival. We look at obstacles and judge them. We look at people acting strangely, and make judgments (are they doing something wrong or are they up to something I have not considered before). This has a slightly different connotation for most people than being "judgemental." But good or bad, that's part of the human condition also.
Dee said it first: "I try to understand that I cannot live someone else's life for them." This involves some judgement, but it implies allowing others to succeed or fail on their own terms. And this is critical to our own well being. Otherwise, we would go nuts worrying about everyone else.
Dee said it first: "I try to understand that I cannot live someone else's life for them." This involves some judgement, but it implies allowing others to succeed or fail on their own terms. And this is critical to our own well being. Otherwise, we would go nuts worrying about everyone else.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Originally Posted by Realest
I judge subconsciously I can’t help it. I’ve seen so many newcomers go in and out I think that’s why.
I've never met anyone that says "Man I love being an addict, awesome". Addiction chooses us, we don't choose it. Doesn't mean we don't own it, but that is why this is so tough. If it were 1 and done none of us would be here.
Not everyone is cut out to be of service to others. Maybe you're one of those people. So work YOUR program and leave the relapsing newcomers to those that are able to see the big picture. Recognizing that is important I think. I see a lot of people trying to 'help' others who really need to help themselves first, or who just don't have the emotional mindset for service.
Let it go and focus on you. I don't know how long you've been sober but maybe it'll take years for you to be able to put these judgments and resentments into the bigger picture.
For now, learn from them.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Originally Posted by tomsteve
i wasnt aware you are also an alcoholic in recovery,mango.
I'm not alcoholic. I am in recovery through open AA meetings, Al-Anon and other 12 step groups.
Thank you for the thoughts.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 211
Originally Posted by August252015
I was thinking this too, Realest. It seems to me that all of your threads are about others, what they do, why they don't do stuff, why....whether it's resentments, talking about mental health in mtgs, now judging newcomers....turning that into what it is about YOU that's being disturbed is what I'd strongly suggest.
Pgs 84-88 and 417-418 are key to this and pretty crucial stuff to get and keep each of us on our right path.
Just sayin'.
Oh and judging newcomers - no, but sure, I can get frustrated. I gotta re-focus that to what I was like as a newcomer. My style of sponsoring, working my program, etc works for me and it will either help a sponsee or friend- or not. Either way, my lane is up to me and....helping newcomers can mean a lot of stuff but not judgment.
Pgs 84-88 and 417-418 are key to this and pretty crucial stuff to get and keep each of us on our right path.
Just sayin'.
Oh and judging newcomers - no, but sure, I can get frustrated. I gotta re-focus that to what I was like as a newcomer. My style of sponsoring, working my program, etc works for me and it will either help a sponsee or friend- or not. Either way, my lane is up to me and....helping newcomers can mean a lot of stuff but not judgment.
Why don’t you share you experience instead of quoting pages.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Ohhhhkay, Realest. I did share my experience and I didn't quote pages, I referred you to them.
When I used the word disturbed, yep, it's from the BB and as I say ALL the time around what I implement that part of is flipping things from it being about what others do and what is really important - what I do. So, I'm suggesting that you hear that I am telling you my experience.
I also talked about sponsees and when I work with newcomers (most of my sponsees have been just that), as I said - I need to remember what it was like to be a newcomer. This has been covered by a lot of us in your (and other people's) various threads, but just to elaborate on my experience as you demand:
Not judging someone for what they don't know, or expecting them to understand the program (ie the first 164p, so including the 84-88) til it's been explained to them. Or, knowing what anyone else has in their head at any given time they share. New or not.
When I refer to my program, which wasn't what you asked about and I have shared about in detail all over SR, I would elaborate for you again, and say that working my program means stuff like not being selfish or focusing on the I; taking my own inventory (step 10); realizing I'm not in charge (see pp 417-418); everyone has good and bad in them and I am not there to (wait for it) judge. And the other stuff that's important.
I'm being snarky with you because you chose to use my post, which answered your question by telling you what I need to do instead of judge, ie making suggestions based exactly on my experience (ie what I do, which, just sayin', includes very close knowledge of those critical pages)....and turn it into a fault of mine, not a question or response from what YOU might need.
Peace.
When I used the word disturbed, yep, it's from the BB and as I say ALL the time around what I implement that part of is flipping things from it being about what others do and what is really important - what I do. So, I'm suggesting that you hear that I am telling you my experience.
I also talked about sponsees and when I work with newcomers (most of my sponsees have been just that), as I said - I need to remember what it was like to be a newcomer. This has been covered by a lot of us in your (and other people's) various threads, but just to elaborate on my experience as you demand:
Not judging someone for what they don't know, or expecting them to understand the program (ie the first 164p, so including the 84-88) til it's been explained to them. Or, knowing what anyone else has in their head at any given time they share. New or not.
When I refer to my program, which wasn't what you asked about and I have shared about in detail all over SR, I would elaborate for you again, and say that working my program means stuff like not being selfish or focusing on the I; taking my own inventory (step 10); realizing I'm not in charge (see pp 417-418); everyone has good and bad in them and I am not there to (wait for it) judge. And the other stuff that's important.
I'm being snarky with you because you chose to use my post, which answered your question by telling you what I need to do instead of judge, ie making suggestions based exactly on my experience (ie what I do, which, just sayin', includes very close knowledge of those critical pages)....and turn it into a fault of mine, not a question or response from what YOU might need.
Peace.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Hi August,
My sponsor in Al-Anon taught me to make use of any open 12 step meeting available. HP leading me into a recovery from other issues I wasn't aware of. I'm not alcoholic so I typically don't talk at AA meetings. There are many open ones who welcome me and add greatly to my journey. I consider myself human. Often I say visitor, if you're asking how I identify when at an AA meeting. I'm keeping an open mind.
Like traveling a trail and trusting in the next right action -- the next good step. More will be revealed and I'm trusting the recovery process.
There are many double or triple winners in my area. When in any meeting, the focus does stay on that one program without going into other affiliations.
Sometimes I post in this forum, other times I don't. If you feel it's inappropriate for me to post here, please let me know.
Mango
My sponsor in Al-Anon taught me to make use of any open 12 step meeting available. HP leading me into a recovery from other issues I wasn't aware of. I'm not alcoholic so I typically don't talk at AA meetings. There are many open ones who welcome me and add greatly to my journey. I consider myself human. Often I say visitor, if you're asking how I identify when at an AA meeting. I'm keeping an open mind.
Like traveling a trail and trusting in the next right action -- the next good step. More will be revealed and I'm trusting the recovery process.
There are many double or triple winners in my area. When in any meeting, the focus does stay on that one program without going into other affiliations.
Sometimes I post in this forum, other times I don't. If you feel it's inappropriate for me to post here, please let me know.
Mango
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Mango, I love that! I haven't heard anyone share this kind of approach but it sounds comprehensive and I think it's great. I'm going to file this away for discussion w one my sponsee as I think it might help her too. Thanks!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 1,065
Mango, you post whatever and wherever you want. You are anywhere on this board that aids your journey.
I think everyone judges others. I think it is best, reserving the judgement until you are proven correct. For me, anytime a female says to me she isn't about drama, a bell goes off in my head, passive aggressive drama queen. Then I watch, eventually the truth spills right out of their own mouths. It is a judgement I make, same as girls who only have male friends, I have an opinion about why that is and what it means in terms with a relationship I might have with them. I imagine if I hung out with people in recovery, there would be judgements I would make there too. Judgements can keep you safe, like if I get a weird vibe, or you have a bloody knife in your hand, I am probably not going to let you into my house. If you have had 9 jobs and six moves in the last 5 years, I am going to proceed cautiously in anything, friendship, especially business.
In terms of recovery, reading here, sure there are folks you read their story and you think, they just aren't there yet, you can still be encouraging and welcoming and nice, so that when it is their time, they remember there are caring people. Everyone judges, it's human nature, how you process and act/react to that judgement is key.
I think everyone judges others. I think it is best, reserving the judgement until you are proven correct. For me, anytime a female says to me she isn't about drama, a bell goes off in my head, passive aggressive drama queen. Then I watch, eventually the truth spills right out of their own mouths. It is a judgement I make, same as girls who only have male friends, I have an opinion about why that is and what it means in terms with a relationship I might have with them. I imagine if I hung out with people in recovery, there would be judgements I would make there too. Judgements can keep you safe, like if I get a weird vibe, or you have a bloody knife in your hand, I am probably not going to let you into my house. If you have had 9 jobs and six moves in the last 5 years, I am going to proceed cautiously in anything, friendship, especially business.
In terms of recovery, reading here, sure there are folks you read their story and you think, they just aren't there yet, you can still be encouraging and welcoming and nice, so that when it is their time, they remember there are caring people. Everyone judges, it's human nature, how you process and act/react to that judgement is key.
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