Kendra1982

I am new to this forum. I have been married to my husband for 13 years. We have 2 kids. My oldest is from a previous marriage but has been raised from the age of 3 by my husband. We have a company together for 6 years now. I knew my husband had drug issues in the past before we met, but he had assured me that he was done with all that. Over the years, I knew he had a pain pill problem and would get them anytime he could and had several people seek them to him. I tried to keep a handle on it tho. About 2 years ago, my whole world fell apart when I found his meth pipe. I never thought he would do that. We had a beautiful family, nice home, a business to be proud of, and mostly a good life. He has always been abusive but mostly just pushing me around. Since I found his pipe, it was like he went wild with the dope. He pretty much didn't exist in our lives for a full year, but when he was around, he was mean and weird. This last year has been so horrible. I have done my best to stand by him and try to keep him doing right. He became extremely abusive, hateful, spiteful, and full of resentment. He has never touched either of my kids, but they have heard alot of what has gone on between us. He is so loud, mean and just evil at times. I know he was doing cocaine as well but not sure what all else. He tries to throw me out of my house anytime I question anything or he thinks I believe he is doing dope again. He tries to keep my kids in the house and throw me out with nothing. I have dedicated my whole life to him and this family. I was a good wife and mother. He has ruined everything for all of us. If I leave... I have nothing. No where to go, no job, no money, not enough credit, etc. If I stay... no telling what will happen. I am completely lost. I don't want to break up my family and hurt my son. He loves his dad so much. I hate what the meth has done to him and our lives. I believe he is using again. I don't know what to do.... but I know things have to change. Any advice is welcomed. Thank you!

Anna

I'm sorry for your situation. Pushing you around is not okay. And, you do have rights as a wife of 13 years and a mother. My suggestion is to connect with a Domestic Violence centre in your city where you can find information and support to move forward safely.

Domestic Abuse Defined

http://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/abuse-defined/

International Directory of Domestic Violence Agencies

Abuse information and support for every woman and every girl on Earth
Home « HotPeachPages International

National Domestic Abuse Hotline (US)
http://www.thehotline.org/

Canada
Canada: domestic violence information « HotPeachPages International

UK: call Women’s Aid at 0808 2000 247.
https://www.qld.gov.au/community/get...-getting-help/
call 1800RESPECT at 1800 737 732.
Worldwide: visit International Directory of Domestic Violence Agencies for a global list of helplines and crisis center
Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network
800-655-Hope

Caprice6

I agree with Anna, this is serious and things cannot function well in this type of situation. It typically gets only worse. You need to seek out help for yourself and the sake of your kids.

Kendra1982

Thank you so much! I am going to get myself together and find a way to get out. I don't want my kids suffering because of choices he is making. I appreciate you!

Finalround

I'm sorry and frightened for you and your children. Get away from your husband as soon as possible. Your children don't have to be physically touched to be affected by domestic violence. Please take care of yourself. His addiction cannot be stopped by you and your children. It's up to him.
So very sorry.

Dandelion12

Sorry for what finds you here but having had experience with a messy divorce I'd just like to add the following.

Im in the United States, so if you are in a different country, Im not sure about the laws.

I'd get help from an attorney or domestic violence center as they usually have attorneys that can help you get a restraining order.

DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOME. He can claim abandonment and hes violating your rights.

No one can be forced to leave their legal place of residence except by a court order.

If he becomes beligerent or violent, go to the store or a neighbor/friend and call the police.

Dont let him and his addiction destroy your life.

You have rights and dont ever forget that.

Also never forget that actions speak louder than words, and his drugs will have him making promises and telling you whatever he thinks you want to hear

Believe hes serious when you see consistant positive changes.

Dont fall for the text book lies and platitudes.

Caprice6

Thanks Kendra, I know a little something about these situations, but add the drugs, it becomes more elevated and riskier.
Please let us know how how you're doing, stay with us for additional support and care.

Kendra1982

Thank you for your advice. I have really started realizing how much it has been affecting my kids. I try my best to not do anything to cause a fight to start. However, most of the time I'm told that I didn't look right, as in the face I was making, or that I didn't look at him when he walked by me. That's all it takes to make him really mad. I am doing my best to figure things out. Thanks so much!

Kendra1982

Thank you so much! I was hoping that someone with similar experiences could give me some insight on what would be best. I don't want to leave my home, or my animals. I live in Texas, but am not fully sure about what rights I have. About a month ago... we had a huge blowup that all started from me missing his text for 8 minutes while I was making supper. We own about 10 acres of land. It has our home, my husband's shop, and my husband's father's house on it. His dad had signed the whole property over to him about 10 years ago. His dad knows what's going on but he can't do anything about it. This particular night, my husband blew up at me over "ignoring" his text. He tried to physically drag me out of the house at 11 PM on a school night. I weigh 100 lbs so he can snatch me up like nothing. I fell to the floor trying deadweight because I knew once I was out of the house, I was screwed. He wouldn't stop, and refused to let me take the kids. Right before he got me out, 5 sherriff's showed up. My daughter and my mother in law had called. I went out to talk to them. My husband took the outside door handle off so the cops couldn't open the door. He sat there recording the cops, refusing to come out or let them in. He advised them that he has shotgun. Long story short... the cops couldn't do anything. Not even let me get my kids out. Finally he agreed to let me back in, as it was now 2 a.m. and I have to get up at 4:30 to get the kids to 2 different schools. Cops left, and he calmed down. I felt so worthless and helpless. A few weeks ago, he attacked me and hurt me pretty bad. Luckily, I got some of it on video. He isn't aware that I recorded it. At least I have some proof of abuse. I just don't know what to do. He is always on the property and has driveway sensors in his shop so he knows when I come and go. I need to talk to an attorney, but there's never a time I can without him keeping tabs on me. I never saw my life going this way. I know I can't fix him. It took me a while of trying before I realized I can't. Thank you so much for all of your advice!

Mango212

This is untrue.

Calling a DV help hotline and making use of available support can be life-saving in not returning to an emotionally and/or physically abusive environment. Emotional and psychological abuse are every bit as damaging as physical abuse.

Packing whatever minimal things you & your children need and leaving to stay with friends or family is a gift of allowing yourself time and space to get more help lined out. This is a time for depending on other people to help.

Stay safe.

Kendra1982

Thank you! I realize that he is the meanest right before he uses and when he is coming off. I have seen how evil his eyes get and he just seems to hate me. But then the next day... it's sorry and I mean the world to him. Thank you for your support... it really means alot. I have kept his abuse and drug addiction a secret from every one until recently, when I couldn't take anymore. I had become a hermit and since I run the business from my home... I hardly left the house or spoke to anyone. My life feels like a joke now. It is wonderful to have support from you! Thank you!

Kendra1982

Thank you for your response. I don't want to leave my home, but it may be my only choice, as I see things are just getting worse and I never know how he is going to behave from day to day. I will look into the DV hotline and what my options are. Thank you so much!

djlook

Kendra.

Although you're relieved to get your secret out in the open about the abuse you and your children are suffering, and appreciative of the support you've found here, you really need to take some action. If you step back and objectively look at your history with your husband, has his violence towards you escalated? Having sensors and all that other stuff is not normal. Meth makes a person paranoid. Do you think a blowup is normal for not responding to a text in 8 minutes? The only thing an addict understands is 911.

bexxed

I’m so sorry. Echoing the sentiment everyone else expressed here.

Seeing where you are in Texas, I know it might be difficult because it’s pretty rural there and the laws are probably not as “on your side” as they could be elsewhere.

But did you tell the sheriffs about the drugs? My bet is that they would step in if they had a report that someone was using those drugs in the presence of children and committing violent acts.

Nothing changes if nothing changes. Bring that video to them and tell them about the drugs. Let me be clear. You should be afraid for your life if he has a gun and is at this point. Please don’t think you can’t become a statistic. This situation sounds very serious.

Dandelion12

Hes watching YOU?

Start a journal of times and dates of all incidents. If you can, tape them DISCRETELY on your phone.

At NO TIME INFORM HIM OF YOUR PLANS OR WHAT YOURE UP TO.

Documentation is key. Even if the cops do nothing youll have incident reports.

DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOME! Cant stress this enough.

If it goes to court he can claim abandonment.

Dont let this man drive you any crazier than he already has and if the cops are called make sure you mention hes been using and youre afraid for yourself and your children.

Texas cops have to obey the law too and hopefully theyre wearing body cameras when they show up and act like good old boys.

See how fast you get help from them when youre working with a womans coalition.

Kendra1982

Yes the violence has escalated over time. Before 2 years ago, he had never hit me. It would be mostly pushing or screaming in my face. As of now, he's punched me in the face twice as well as headbutted me and bodyslammed me. I understand that he is being more violent and it's not going to get better. I see that I can't help him or change him. It took me a while to see that. I wanted my family and my marriage to be ok. I just can't save it. We have 3 driveways on the property. The house, the shop, and his dad's house. He has all 3on different sounding sensors so he knows who's is being driven on. The things he does because of the meth is crazy. He takes apart Rubik's cubes, cleans them, installs magnets & lubes and puts them back together. Then solves it in a couple minutes, then does the next one. He has at least 30 cubes that I know about. It's really strange. I see how messed up the dope has made him. It's so sad, because he is amazing at fixing machines (lathes, mills, etc). That is the business we run together. He fixes machines and I handle every single other thing that goes along with it. I am the whole office. I recently found out he's doing work and taking money behind the business and my back. That's how he's funding his drug habit. I handle all the money and bills both personal and business so that is the only way he thought he could get away with it. We are a corporation and the business is in both our names. I need to find out what to do to get off this business too. I am going to do some research and find out exactly what to do if he gets violent again, to try to keep the house and for him to leave. I will look into the restraining orders and such to see if that is the way to go. Thank you!

Dandelion12

Mango In New York State it IS true.

That is HER HOME TOO. He cannot force her out and she needs an attorney and to file for a restraining order.

Obviously, if hes weilding a knife you get away.

Temporarily.

But if she packs her things and takes the kids even for a week the drug addict can claim abandonment by his non addict wife and she'll go through hell and high water to lay claim to even her own clothing and spend mucho cash on attorneys doing it while he smokes his meth.

I spent 3 years in NY Supreme Court divorcing an alcoholic.

Hopefully no next time, but if there is I'll know how to handle it

Kendra1982

The day the sherriff's came was the 1st time they had ever been called on him by anyone. I was so scared with my kid's being in the house and the state of craziness he was in, that if the cops tried to go in the house... he would've gotten a gun. He has many hand guns in his safe, along with the shotgun. The cops seemed just annoyed with us and unhelpful. I just didn't handle the situation right. If I could do it over, I would have told them he was abusing me and he has drugs. Just I don't know where the drugs are. I believe he must keep that stuff at his shop because at home he knows I'll find it. I've taken some steps towards getting out. I got a tracphone because he will take my phone away whenever he feels like it. I made a secret email and rented a small storage unit to keep certain things and cash in, for if I have to leave the house with nothing, I will at least have some of the things I need. As far as housing goes, it's almost impossible. We are in a suburb of Odessa/Midland, and it is booming. There is no where to rent. I have about 11 grand stashed back that he doesn't know about. I never feared him like this before. I do have a bad feeling that he could go too far and accidentally kill me. When he is in a rage... he is psychotic. I am trying my best to keep it from happening again. Gotta watch my faces and keep my mouth shut. I'm trying to keep things calm while I figure out what to do. Thank you!

Anna

I think that calling the Domestic Violence Hotline would be so helpful and reassuring for you. The people there are trained to help in situations like yours. They can advise you how to get away safely. Make use of their expertise.

My advice would be to not let him know you are thinking/planning to leave. That is the most dangerous time for someone in a violent relationship.

Dandelion12

Id take that money, hire myself an attorney, and file for a divorce.