CaliButterfly

How messed up is this? I know most people have to hit rock bottom before they can stay on the path to sobriety. I am nearly there now and still trying to find excuses to drink. My adult son basically just disowned me today because of my drunken outburst last night where I actually blacked out and started hitting him. (He's a 6'2 gym rat built like a football player and I am a weakling with a torn rotator cuff, I couldn't hurt a fly). I don't have an anger problem whatsoever when I'm sober. I am horrified that I am Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde and can't believe the things I have been told I have done. AND I STILL KEEP WANTING TO DRINK!! WTF is wrong with me? Can someone please kick me in the head so I can get it out of my ass?

suki44883

I believe we all decide when we have reached our "rock bottom." It doesn't have to be an event; it can be a realization that we just cannot live this way anymore. However, what happened with you last night, and the consequences of your son basically disowning you, is a very good reason to examine whether or not you wish to continue down this road.

If you can't do it on your own, there is help available. You just have to be willing to do whatever is necessary.

Hawkeye13

My mom was Jekyll and Hyde too when drinking.

Her drinking pretty much destroyed our relationship with each other as adults, and left me with plenty of damage in terms of my own later alcohol abuse and inability to trust in relationships.

I don't think you need to be kicked in the head. You just need to realize the consequences of your continued drinking at this point. Get it together, or maybe lose your family for real.

If my mother had actually quit and showed by her actions, not words, that she was serious about sobriety and mending our relationship, it could have happened.

Instead, she continued with lip-service about quitting, continued her drinking, and hurled more drunken blackout abuse at me and others around her until nobody was left to engage.

She took no action to back up her promises to quit after the latest verbal abuse session and I got tired of trying to help and be in her life and stepped back too.

You are at a crossroads, and it is great you are here acknowledging the problem.
Stop drinking today, get support and some kind of program in place, and be amazed at how much better your life and family relationships will be over time.

You will need to be patient, and understand he has been hurt deeply, no matter how big he is. Own that and be there for yourself first and then him.

The good thing about rock bottom is that you can go upwards if you choose

ScottFromWI

Sorry to hear that you are still drinking and that it's causing problem for you Cali. Coming here was a good idea, but I don't think a kick in any part of your body is going to help - you really have to want it ( sobriety ) to get it.

My guess as to what is wrong is the same problem I have - I'm an alcoholic. I fought it for decades, literally, but I finally accept it and changed my life a while back. By acceptance, I mean that the fact is I can't drink alcohol without bad consequences - period. Not one sip, not for any reason - ever. Not when I feel bad, not when I feel good, not when I want to celebrate, not when I want to mourn. I cannot ever drink another drop of alcohol unless I want things to go horribly, horribly wrong.

The good news is that you can do that too if you choose. You can't change what you've done - but you can decide that this is the last time you will drink. And you can find a tremendous amount of support here and elsewhere to help you keep that promise.

Canuck76

I can relate. I can be a Jekyll and Hyde drinker too. I not violent unless provoked (say in a bar fight) but I can be belligerent and say mean things. I usually won't blackout if I stick to beer, but hard liquor is something I need to avoid if I am stay out of trouble. I have alienated family/friends in the past with my behaviour.

WeThinkNot

Hi Cali,

For years I was wondering what rock bottom I needed to hit to get me to "snap out of it". I've had two DUIs. I've woken up in the drunk tank. I've woken up after a night of drinking with black eyes and bruises. I've been passed over for promotions at work. My wife left me. Childhood friends finally had enough of me and cut me loose. Each time I would ask myself what low I would need to descend to before I saw the light.

Then one evening after I finished the last of the whiskey I had there was a moment of clarity. I decided I was finished but it felt different this time. Like I really wanted it this time.

My point is that you shouldn't wait to hit a bottom before you commit to sobriety.

nez

My rock bottom was probably not my lowest point but it is when I finally stopped digging. I was the one who had to kick myself in the head so I could get it out of my ass because no one else had the ability nor power to do the job. All anyone else could do, no matter how hard they tried, was to stand hopelessly by as I keep digging.

CaliButterfly

Thank you all for the support. Hawkeye13 - your explanation of your mom is a dead ringer for my behavior. I have voluntarily been to rehab twice, dead set on quitting, one stuck for a year. Quit numerous times for varying lengths, each time with the sincere goal of forever. Last month I made it a whole 8 days. I keep trying to figure out when that moment will be for me and you would think last night would have done it... I'll keep reading. I truly appreciate the feedback and encouragement.

gettingsmarter

So have you decided that you can't drink anymore?

Do you want to keep hurting your family and the people you care about?

Is drinking just 1 more time worth the chance that you might do it again?

If you don't care about hurting your family go on and keep drinking. If you have reached the point where you turn into a monster when you drink you have passed the point of drinking anymore. You might not hurt your loved ones the next time you drink but you will eventually do it again. I promise you. IT WILL HAPPEN AGAIN.

Wanting a drink is not drinking. You can stop and be a positive force for the human race.

CaliButterfly

I didn't come here for a lecture; I came here for support. I am quite aware it WILL happen again because I've been on this merry-go-round for 14 years, therein lies the addiction. I have educated myself through AA, inpatient & outpatient rehab, Rational Recovery, etc. However, addiction is selfish as you know. Drinking is the only thing that matters, regardless of consequences, until you reach a point when it's not. I want to find that point and be completely committed to it.

gettingsmarter

Sorry you said you wanted a kick in the head. I was trying to give you a gentle kick.

CaliButterfly

Fair enough. Thank you.

Anna

Cali, I'm sorry about what happened with you and your family last night. I, too, became someone I truly hated when I was drinking. I think the reason you still want to drink today is simply because you are an alcoholic. But, you can take action and be the person you want to be.

We're here to offer support. I hope you're ready to make the commitment to sobriety.

Hevyn

Me too, Cali - a completely different person when drinking. Confrontational, sarcastic, rude. I didn't believe people when they told me how mean I could be - there's nothing unkind about the 'real' me. I go out of my way to avoid arguments. So - the only way to stay safe was to stop all together. I was so tired of cleaning up my messes. I was losing credibility with everyone - I was becoming invisible to those I cared about the most. They had written me off.

I'm sorry for the painful time you're going through - but here's where it can end for good. You sound ready - and you can get free.

CaliButterfly

Thank you Hevyn, it means so much to me that you shared. Everyone has a dark side, I'm just blindsided that mine is that dark. I want to be free again. I'm almost there.

gettingsmarter

Cali I was an everynight drink till passout drinker for nearly 15 years. The other side is so much better. I have almost 4 years now and am a totally different person. I no longer nightly erupt in anger at my husband for no reason. Family trusts me again. The world is now a better place without me as a drinker.
We are all here for you.

Dee74

Do you mean drinking/relapse is inevitable again ?
Because I don't think that's true.

I was as bad a drinker as anyone else here and it's been nearly 12 years since my last drink - not puffing out my chest - just saying that change can happen.

There's always at least one other choice available to us at any time - drink, or________

I didn't listen to the voice that told me I was sick, so I'd always drink.

I learned to go for the 'or' option. It wasn't always fun or easy, but I really wanted to change.

There was nothing so bad a drink could not make worse

I know you've tried a lot of things - but maybe you've changed since you did them last?

maybe it's an option to look at some of those methods or strategies again?

D

WaterOx

That's addiction for you. Once you're in the grip, you'll find yourself wanting to go back- even when you don't want to. Fortunately, it doesn't take too much time to break the spell, if that's what you'd like to do. You showed up here, so it sounds like you do.

kiki26

Robert88

It is the disease of addiction. It changes the way we think by attacking the mid-brain. That is the survival area of the brain and addiction attacks that area. It puts the need for whatever your addicted to at the top of the list. It puts it over food, water, shelter, and stuff like that. Then it does not allow your frontal cortex to work correctly because it puts that need for the drug over your logical thinking part of the brain. So you do things that you normal wouldn't do because they are at battle with each other. I hope that I have explained it well enough.