Polaroid

... And... a here's a Youtube video that is trending as #1 right now, if you don't mind I share.

Fairly relative to my problem. I am socially anxious, but I have social needs...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n3Xv_g3g-mA

MantaLady

Drinking made me very very lonely, I isolated, didn’t go anywhere or do anything, had no hobbies or interests. Even if I was around people I was either drunk or hungover so wasn’t really present and couldn’t connect with them.

I do still get a little lonely now and again but it’s 100 times better than when I drank. I am not so isolated and get out more. Also when I was drunk all my negative feelings were magnified and out of proportion.

What’s your plan? xx

Polaroid

Well, that's the good thing about rehab... (after the 3-4 days of detox that feels like hell)...

There are people there, that I can relate to. The last time I was there, there were a couple people around my age. We had fun, played some board games, I actually felt happy....


On a totally different note - I remember when I was 14. If I had a gun, I would put it to my temple and trigger.

Since then, things haven't really improved. I've attempted two times. Last time was a year ago.... My hallway became a bloodbath after an.... attempt, with a blade.

Called the hospital and said I needed stitches (but was very clear about, don't let this come back to anyone)

Weirdly enough, my heart is still beating.

Sorry but I have to get it out... I'm just tired of holding things inside.


Oh and yeah, medical care is free where I live, even if you don't have insurance [medical insurance don't even exist] (I know most of the people here are from the US, but I'm not really sure how it works over there?)

So I could go to the hospital, or any rehab institution right now if I wanted, without paying a dime.

I just feel so effin f-ed. But it feels good to get it out.

Polaroid

Stop drinking, of course....

Just a month ago I was okay without any drinks. Played volley, bandy, went to the gym... eg.

My plan? They've created a supportive group (not really AA, but fairly close to it) near where I live.

Maybe try to attend the next meeting.

.... I honestly cannot go through another withdrawal at the hospital. Everything is so loud, too bright... Not to mention the anxiety cracking the ceiling. It is virtually hell.

So I hope I can do this on my own. Bit by bit.... less and less intake. It hasn't been so long since I started drinking again, and I have prescribed anti-seizure medications, so....


To sum up; My plan: slow down, take my meds, and just stop. Attend meetings, and start living again.

columbus

"It's easy to think of/find/create reasons to drink.

It's just as easy to think of/find/create reasons not to drink.

Try making a habit of thinking of three reasons not to drink every time you think of one reason to drink. Try a cost/benefits analysis: List all the pros for drinking, and then all the cons. You'll find the pros are mostly short term benefits with costs. Try listing all the pros for not drinking and all the cons for not drinking. You'll find the pros for sobriety are often long term and outweigh the cons.

Try listing everything that's important to you, like health, family, fun, freedom, success... Then ask:

What am I doing to address or get more of what I want - what's important to me?

What am I doing that is helping? What's not helping?

What have I not tried? What else could I do that might help?

Then, make a plan to create a life based on what you value - what's truly important. This, in part, means doing more of what helps, stop doing what gets in the way, and trying things that maybe you haven't tried before that could help.

It's about building motivation. Like Einstein said, crazy is doing the same thing and expecting different results..."

Brilliant post. Thanks.

Polaroid

Yep, I love that quote, as it is so true.

I haven't been drinking any more since the last time I posted (except for Gatorade and water) - And now the the withrawals begin.... feeling sweaty, shaky, anxious....

... And that makes it really easy to just think; "I need another pint"

bexxed

None of this will matter in ten years when you’re sober and happy.... or in ten years when you’re drunk, dead, or dying.

This is the stuff that fuels the affliction, and is the substance of it. Like ethanol it’s vapid and devoid of anything helpful or useful.

“I didn’t quit drinking because I didn’t want to hurt someone’s feelings. That person wasn’t healthy for me and we enabled each other and had a toxic boozed up connection and I forgot her name now, ten years later, but I remember something about her choosing to use me as a reason to cut off contact with her family briefly and that made all the difference. Then I rinsed and repeated for a bunch of years and the drama fed itself until now.”

These dramas are always excuses. I hope you can see that and find the first step of turning away from them.

Polaroid

Ow? Tough love I suppose. Sweating and breathing hevily now, pacing around.... But thanks, I needed to hear it

It has almost been 9 years (since drinking became a problem for me).... .
Would I rather be dead in 10 years, or alive & happy. i would prefer the latter. I want to be alive and happy, and I know what the first step is.... it takes some time I guess, but... I just have to go through it.

least

Yes, it takes time and effort to get sober for good. But it's so worth it.

Stop drinking now before something really awful happens to you as a result of drinking.

bexxed

I didn’t intend to send tough love.... I was trying to illustrate that incidental stuff that we “drink over” is so often totally unmemorable in the long haul. I don’t personally remember most or even some of the excuses I had, but I do remember a couple that had to do with some dramatic drinking relationship or another, and they seemed important next to a bottle of wine at the time, but now, my God. I don’t even remember the details, the memories are so vague that when I try to get the details, all I can remember is the chaos I felt from what the problem really was, which was my alcoholism. Walking away from that chaos is hard and takes focus and a strong desire to want to be sober. For me, it was worth it.

I definitely wish you the best and my comment was 100% intended to be supportive. I apologize if it didn’t come off that way.

xo-b

August252015

Tough love? This is a fatal disease.

Maybe
I should
When I can
But it will hurt

You've been here since 2012 - and you are hurting, and...killing yourself.

I had to decide to live - and do whatever it took to do just that, which was a lot of the pain, detox, PAWS, emotional juggernaut etc you describe. Suck like h*ll? Oh yeah.

But not dying and beyond that living like I do in 3 yr Thu - priceless.

Again, up to you.

Polaroid

Edit: Nothing. I'm sorry.

lessgravity

Hopefully you see these responses not as criticisms of you, but instead as criticism of the way in which this addiction makes excuses for its own perpetuation.

We have all been where you are, low, anxious, wanting better, still doing harm. And regardless of our life situations, the demon wil always find an excuse to drink.

I also joined SR many years ago. You can live a better life. It's in your hands.

Polaroid

"They said I'm way too soft, had to change my style" eg.

- That's why I listen to Em, who I can relate to... and makes my head boil instead of feeling the anxiety.

"Anything you are scared to say, from this day forward, anything you want to say, don't be afraid to say no more, take it with a grain of salt, and beat their f** faces off"

And yes, he has some very ... "strong" lyrics. But at the same time - listening to him makes me drink less. As said, I have a f** high temper also. (Also very humble, just like him) And it's great to listen to someone I can relate to.

But I'm done for now with this topic. See you later, SR.... I'll update you. (If you want me to)

Zanna

You get one life and it's no dress rehearsal - if this person is causing you this much grief, maybe it's time to move on from them.
Not a single problem on the planet, that alcohol will cure.

Polaroid

Speak for yourself.

Very true. I understood that long ago. Yet.... I've been drinking.


But I get it, you all, it is up to me. It's my life, it's my choices.

Dee74

I hope this is the year you change your life for good Polaroid. it gets exponentially harder the more years we don't change.

D