Fearlessat50

Hi Amby, I’d follow the traditional advice about not dating for at least a year into sobriety. I have been married for a million years (ok, only 24). But I recall my therapist (who had years of sobriety himself) suggesting no major life changes in general for a year. I turned down a promotion that year, and turned down a personal opportunity to lead a community event as well. I’m glad I did because it was important for me to stay singularly focused on my recovery and personal growth during that time, without being concerned with what others thought of me and without overly stressing myself.

If I was ever to date someone new? I’d probably start by saying I don’t drink, it doesn’t agree with me. If the relationship got serious, I’d open up a little. But I don’t think I would ever share everything. Even in a long term marriage, which is relatively healthy and happy, I have learned it is ok and even healthy to maintain a sense of privacy and separateness about oneself. My alcoholism started years after being married, and when I decided to get sober, I didn’t even tell my husband that I was a recovering alcoholic! That’s because my drinking life was very secret and I was good at hiding it, and many normie drinkers like my husband, don’t understand addiction. More details emerge over time, but I have not and will not tell my husband everything. I don’t tell him about the times I drank in the morning, drank and drove with our son in the car. I believe it would do more harm than good.

I don’t see the lack of sharing certain details as a bad thing or as suggesting a less intimate bond. We never shared our sexual histories either. The past is in the past. I’ve learned from it. My husband supports my decision not to drink now. All that matters.

totfit

Simply, I don't drink as it just doesn't agree with me should be enough. I just let everyone know that I don't drink, because it does me no good. That is the bottom line truth and reason I do not drink.

entropy1964

Again, I don't know what anyone else should do. Timelines, what to say when, how much? That's all individual. I think Dream Catcher gave very good input.

Own it. What's there to hide? As Tomsteve said, he's not that man anymore.

First date, second date, 3 months, after you're living together. Dunno. But for me, as Dream Catcher said, why waste time with someone who will judge someone who is a recovered alcoholic. And many will. Lots of people have had past experiences with addicts, either growing up or in relationships.

Anywho, whatever works. But for me the simple truth is usually the easiest. And no, would I go into every detail of my alcoholic BS? Definitely not.

I had someone say to me, many years ago, that the truth always comes out, especially in an intimate relationship. I cannot for the life of me imagine marrying someone and not telling them the truth. Not even sure what that would be, exactly. But again, this is just me. And I've had some, ehem, experience with this issue so I know for me I will never try to sweep my reality under the carpet. I is what I is.

Dee74

Hi AmbyMarie

I think this is something we all have to play by ear.

If it's early on in the relationship and the person is a date rather than a partner I don't see any reason to bring it up beyond 'I don't drink thanks".

I don't see that as being deceptive - I'm not obliged to spill every intimate detail of my private life to someone I'm, at best, just getting to know

If this person is a partner or becoming that way then sure I agree they deserve to know - but if you're not sure how they might react, it might still be too early?

I would not open up completely to someone until I trusted them.
I have burned myself too many times on that flame.

D

MindfulMan

I bring it up on a first date. I see it as a strength rather than a weakness. I had a problem and I took fairly heroic measures to take care of it. I no longer drink. Period. Why wouldn't I share this with a potential mate? I've never gotten into a situation where someone judged me negatively because I stopped drinking.

I'm not so forthcoming in employment situations, but in the dating world, I just see no reason not to. If someone has a problem with it that we can't talk out, then I shouldn't be with them.

resolute50

Only you are in charge of the information about your life that you wish to reveal. With that said. It is best to wait a while before getting involved emotionally with some one.
Get some sobriety time built up.

Jim1958

When it is the first few dates I don't bring it up. I just don't order drinks and if asked I say I don't feel like drinking. I have to say I am glad this is the way I do things. Often after a date or two you realize that you and the person are not a match and things end. I feel that sharing such a personal struggle is something that should be discussed once you know that things are progressing and you want to share it with this person. Maybe it is just me, but I think the first few dates are not the place to bring up an alcohol issue.

Primativo

Yes, I am currently dating and have been dating since I quit in April 2018.

I have relapsed about 6 times and all of those times have been because of I have been on dates and succumbed to the pressure to conform.

Big mistake.

That said, I have now learnt from my experiences, and I now do not drink no matter what, just order a soda. I tell them I don't drink as I am concentrating on my health and fitness, (which is true).

I won't tell someone I am dating that I consider myself an alcoholic, or someone who had a drink problem, until we get to a stage where I feel its appropriate they know. I'd say that would be a few months in. Up until that point, simply saying I don't drink is enough. I don't want it to define me, especially with early impressions.

FlawedNFntastic

I did it all in the wrong way. I was newly sober (three months) when I got into a relationship. I didn't discuss my sobriety or addiction with him at all except to say I don't drink. I did, however, use my sobriety as an excuse to keep him at arm's length for a good long time. Finally, about ten months in, I sprang it on him during a short car ride. Good man, he took it well and asked all the right questions - was there anything he did that was helpful? Harmful? Did I care if he drinks around me? I think I was afraid he would think of me as damaged or defective somehow. But that was my hang up and not his.

I'm all for honesty in relationships, but I'm not dragging him through the gory details of my drinking history. He knows I'm an alcoholic and that I'm always going to be a work in progress, and he's still around and seems to occasionally like me. That's a good thing.

I hope whoever any of us dates or befriends or cohabitates with or randomly thumb wrestles with can be open-minded and supportive and kind to us. It really makes life much better.

Primativo

Exactly this.

AmbyMarie

Fearlessat50

I was thinking about this some more today. There have been a lot of posts about what is appropriate to disclose, to whom and when. I always feel slightly guilty when I say I’m not completely open with everyone about my drinking history, especially when this includes my husband. I feel that maybe he has a right to know. I don’t know. In the past, when I tried to open up, it was like he went in to denial. He just could not believe I had a problem. But that was in the beginning before the relapses. Things are probably different now and he understands more.

I also think sometimes we are so afraid of being judged that we clam up. But we are really judging ourselves and projecting this on to others. I believe that when the time is right, the right person or people are going to be understanding and non-judgmental.

I just asked my husband what he would think if I told him I drank and drove with our son in the car. He laughed a little and said “I wouldn’t be surprised, Honey, you were a mess. But that was a long time ago. I don’t hold it against you. I’m proud of you for changing.”

So that was nice to get off my chest. Still not sharing everything though

Having said that, early in dating may not be the best time to share. But everyone is different. Play it be ear, as Dee said

gettingsmarter

I would put it out there right off. If I was starting again I wouldn't want to be with someone who drank anyway. I'm married to a drinker and I wish he wasn't.

digdug

I work a program of rigorous honesty. I told my wife (then GF) before our first date. I didn't get into the details. I just said I was in recovery and had been sober a little over a year. I said she could ask me anything and I would answer honestly. She asked a few questions and that was that. She knows I need time to go to a meeting a week. When she asks what I'm reading on my phone and I say SR, she leaves it at that. She's been very supportive our entire relationship (married now for 3 years). Maybe I just lucked out

I'm not into wasting people's time and mine. If someone has a problem with my recovery, then I wouldn't want to date them in the first place. But interestingly, I took the same approach with multiple other women I dated before I met my wife and not a single one had a problem with it. Working a program of recovery is much less of a deal-breaker than active addiction.

Snowydelrico

Maybe it’s a silly thought.
What if my new date didn’t think it was harmful to slip me a Micky fin. Just a little joke?
Although i would probably taste it there would be a massive reaction and then the topic would come up in a terrible way.
Or I might be back at day 1.

PeacefulWater12

Interesting discussion, in my earlier sobriety I felt obliged to tell anyone and everyone that I am an alcoholic. As the time built, it no longer feels right to do so.

August252015

I did it on the first date. I was 5 1.2 mo sober and I phrased it something like, and I quit drinking. I know I said "and everything's better sober." Turns out, we are married now and he had just gotten sober too, btw.

Regardless, it's the way I would have brought it up in any other first dates. My world only includes people supportive of not just my not drinking, but my recovery, as well as only making room for people trying to live their own best lives, alcoholic or not.

No exceptions.

It's life or death for me. Why would I want anyone who couldn't respect that in my life? Why WOULDN'T I want someone who does respect it, including friends who won't ever "get it" because they aren't alcoholics but always do their best for themselves and their friends?

Simple to me.

AmbyMarie

WhoDeyPI

Seeing as you're from Cleveland, I admire you even more for your sobriety. #TheBrowns

AmbyMarie