AmbyMarie

WhoDeyPI

Ohhhhh that's a great question. I look forward to following this...

Canuck76

Well, I can tell you what not to do. A couple years ago, I sobered up for 6 months and thought I was ready to start dating. I had a few drinks on our dinner dates. By our 5th date she found me passed out drunk at 5am in kitchen. I had drank for hours after she had gone to bed. She then figured out I had a problem.

I should had told her and not had anything to drink on our 2nd the latest she thought

Snowydelrico

Hypertheticaly If I were to date someone new I wouldn’t mind bringing up the subject as I love my new path. If the date didn’t want to share that new path then that’s not the girl for me.

I think a couple of years sobriety is a good place to start dating again

MissPerfumado

Someone's going to chime in with the advice suggesting you don't date in early sobriety. It might as well be me.

Usual advice is to wait a year. I think it's sound advice. Dating and new relationships bring emotional uncertainty and sometimes volatility. The ups and downs are not what one needs in early sobriety.

I was single when sober - in fact broke up a relationship the same day I broke up with drinking. I focussed relentlessly on my sobriety for the first year. I went on a couple of casual dates in the first six months - with no real romantic interest in the dates - I just said I didn't drink and ordered soda water, I mentioned I was looking after my health and left it at that. It was the truth anyway, I got real fit and healthy in recovery.

About 18 months into sobriety, I started my current relationship and am glad I waited. Although it's been a good relationship, it's still a lot of emotional upheaval to let someone new into your life.

He knew me as someone who didn't drink. Early on I said a couple of things like "I stopped because I was getting too dependent on it to deal with work stress" or "I was worried it was getting to be a problem" and such. About 3 months in, we had a serious conversation about it. He asked me if I considered myself an alcoholic and I told him straight up "yes". It was a safe and secure relationship by then with a lot of trust already.

With the right person, there should be no stigma about being a recovering alcoholic. My boyfriend could see I was committed to sobriety; by the time we had an open conversation about it, I had been almost 2 years sober. He also could see I was serious about the damage it could have done to me. It never comes up as an issue now. He drinks very little anyway and when we go out, he might have one alcoholic beverage, tops. All up, it's worked out very well.

SIB

I was sober 2 years and drank a pint of stella on a 1st date and completely screwed myself up after all the hard work - so yeah, its hard to date and not be a drinker.

However, now with tons of dates under my belt I can say that dates don't always have to involve booze, at least in the initial stages. Tea is always good or just straight up say you don't drink. Anyone that likes your company enough isn't going to care and remember, most people who "drink" have one or two, not 20+ like us. So its really not that big of a deal for a "normie".

Aside from overindulging in alcohol it also gives me severe heart burn, acid reflux and anxiety - if they need an reason why I don't drink early on that will be it - later when trust is there they can hear the truth.

PeacefulWater12

I have a new set of friends built up over the last 8 years of sobriety, they are normies and would have no conception what it feels like to be an alcoholic.

I have told none of them of my past. Most of them don't drink so they would never think it odd that I stick to coffee/water.

I am married but if for some reason in the future I was ever to date again, I would not tell the new partner of my past.

AmbyMarie

DreamCatcher17

Great question!

I started dating when I had 1 year sober. I think this is a gret rule of thumb and worked well for me.

I was on a dating app, on the app I put "SOBER" on my description.
I was upfront with everyone.
If it made someone uncomfortable, I wanted to know right away.
If someone wanted a drinking partner, I wanted to know right away.
If someone could handle my baggage, I wanted to know right away.

I was out to find my husband and I had no time for games or hidden agendas.
I was honest on the first conversation what would happen if I ever thought I could drink again.
I was open with what I do to remain sober and how that comes before everything so nothing else falls short

It worked.
I found my future husband!

He is a normie HOWEVER he slowed way down on his drinking to once a month VS once a week.

Best of luck,
DC

PeacefulWater12

No, I don't feel that way. I can see why you think I might.

This was an issue I discussed with my sponsor several times and this seemed the best way forward.

Having said that, IF I ever had another relationship, I would like it to be with a fellow recovering A. In that case, I would obviously say.

least

If I were to start dating someone, I would just tell them I didn't drink at all. If they asked why, I would just say I used to drink and didn't like what it did to me.

ReadyAtLast

I am married so not dating but when I met my current husband I had been sober for 3 years. I just said I didn't drink. Many people don't drink so normal people don't think it is odd when people don't drink. It's only US or people like us who have problems that think its odd when people don't drink.

How long sober are you? What seems unimaginable in early sobriety becomes normal and easy to say several years down the line.

AmbyMarie

entropy1964

This can be a very complex issue...but should it be?

I have no idea what anyone else should do. But I know for sure that I would be totally straight about my being an addict. My addiction to alcohol has been a huge issue for me, huge. Deadly huge. I cannot hide the fact that I will never, ever take a drink from anyone. If I do, I am hiding from one thing: my addiction. If I do that I put myself at risk.

If I am not 100% comfortable with my abstinence that means I am not 100% comfortable in my own skin. Then what else will I start 'hiding' or being half truthful about? Then I start conforming to another person, then I start worrying about what others think, then who knows? If I'm not able to embrace complete honesty, I'm not ready for intimacy.

Telling friends, co workers? Maybe, maybe not. Depends. But an intimate partner? A potential life partner? Hell yes. Not only for me, but because they have the right to know. I would want to know if the person I was giving my heart to had an addiction or a significant mental health issue. Yep.

I have found that honesty is absolutely the foundation of my peace. Without it, I'm screwed.

trailmix

I totally agree with you AmbyMarie. It's not just almost being deceptive, it is being deceptive.

Frickaflip said it well I think.

Congratulations on your sobriety and your resolve!

ReadyAtLast

May you can do both depending on who it is. I agree but at what point would you tell them? see i wouldnt say anything on a first date other than I don't drink. There may be many first or second dates, casual meets where I wouldn't dream of exposing my soul.

If the relationshiop develops then further down the line if it gets serious and its a potential life partner then yes more detail is given. When i met my husband i said I didn't drink. Now he is my husband he knows all about my problems, addicitions etc but no way would I have told him that in the first few days of knowing him,

AmbyMarie

Could I just tell my partner that I don’t drink, will never drink and that i had a problem with it and didn’t like who I was when drinking or do I spill all the details? All the shame, how much and how often? All the stupid **** I regret or forgot when drunk? I mean, how much should we disclose here??

Robbie64

Can't you just say you don't drink? If the relationship goes well then you could open up a little bit more. But in the early days you would be right to be cautious. If your date has an issue with you not drinking then the relationship isn't going to work out in the long run.

Despite me having alcohol problems I once dated someone who didn't drink at all. She told me she simply didn't like the taste of alcohol. I don't think she had any issues with alcohol, she seemed genuine when she said she didn't drink because she didn't like it. My sister is also a non-drinker. She gave it up when she was pregnant in the mid 80s and just never went back to drinking. She admitted that she had been overdoing the drinking and being pregnant was a good excuse for stopping completely.

WhoDeyPI

I just say I don't drink. If they ask why, I say something like "I don't like the person it makes me", or "At one point I liked it a little too much"...

tomsteve

thats your choice. ya may want to think about why your so conerned about what others may think about you.

personally i dont mind telling people-someone i may date or just random people- i used to have a drinking problem. dont have a problem with telling them im an alcoholic.dont mind sharing my past either as i have faced it and im not that man any more.
im not concerned with the "stigma" of being called an alcoholic either because i live in the solution.i have no fear or insecurity issues with it because im comfortable in my own skin today. if others have a problem with me being an alcoholic then thats their problem.
i dont regret any of my past- its the most valuable posession i have and am grateful im not that man any more.
when i have dated i was more concerned with who THEY are- i wasnt concerned with pleasing them nor tried to- just being myself was the best thing for me to do.
if they cant accept me warts and all- no skin off my back.
because i love myself today.

Nothing is covered up that will not be revealed, or hidden that will not be known.