Moderation
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Minnesota, USA
Posts: 1,469
Originally Posted by bringmeback7693 
People feel sorry for me that I have to be sober. People stigmatize me. Having a glass of wine is a completely socially acceptable way to de-stress, and it's not an option for me anymore.
Best of luck to you.
If you are NOT an alcoholic, you should have this licked no problem, no issues, no guilt, no shame.
To each their own. I hope it doesn't bite you and there are no serious consequences.
Blessings,
DC
Last edited by DreamCatcher17; 01-22-2019 at 07:38 AM. Reason: added the word NO
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 2,583
Originally Posted by bringmeback7693
I'm sick of pretending that recovery is awesome and I'm so grateful for it. I'm not. I just want to be normal, whatever that means. And I can't lie about that anymore, I have to be honest.
"GOD grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change"... I cannot change the fact I am alcoholic.
"GOD grant me the courage to change the things I can".... Well I can work my programme of recovery to live my life in as best a way I can without alcohol.
It is so hard I know. I really feel for you. I do because I have been you. Many times.
I was desperate at the end of my drinking and you've probably heard it in meetings where people talk about being given the gift of desperation. I believe that was given to me. Who knows if I would have got sober without it.
No matter what you do, keep sharing!!!! I think it is great you are outing all these feelings. 💖💖
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 1,543
Originally Posted by bringmeback7693
Primativo, I do not enjoy sobriety. I no longer enjoy weddings, bachelorette parties, nights out, NYE parties, 4th of July, etc because they are activities where booze is a big part of the event. Not the only part, but a big part. I missed so many events with the fear that I would relapse, and it's just not worth it for me to be missing out on life anymore. People feel sorry for me that I have to be sober. People stigmatize me. Having a glass of wine is a completely socially acceptable way to de-stress, and it's not an option for me anymore. I have to go to meetings, or go to yoga, or do meditation, instead of just using the method that most people do. Sobriety makes me feel isolated, depressed, and honestly, like a freak.
I don't want to live a life where drinking is completely off limits, I have to pick up a white chip if I have a sip of a beer, and feel shame and guilt from members of AA. It's not worth it. The best possible solution is for me to remain sober 80% of the time, but be ALLOWED to have a drink now and then if I want one. I should be allowed to have a glass of champagne at my wedding, or at New Year's. It's a better life
I don't want to live a life where drinking is completely off limits, I have to pick up a white chip if I have a sip of a beer, and feel shame and guilt from members of AA. It's not worth it. The best possible solution is for me to remain sober 80% of the time, but be ALLOWED to have a drink now and then if I want one. I should be allowed to have a glass of champagne at my wedding, or at New Year's. It's a better life
Good luck in finding peace and happiness.
Walk on
Join Date: Jan 2019
Location: UK
Posts: 68
Originally Posted by bringmeback7693
So I was sober for about 6 months. Relapsed, and then was sober 2 months after that. Since January 1, I have been trying moderation. It has been going well; I made a limit of 3 drinks per day and only to drink on Fridays and Saturdays. So far I have stuck to this limit.
But every morning after I drink, I have woke up from bad dreams and enormous guilt. Most of this guilt is due to lying to everyone in my life except for a couple people about being sober. I could tell everyone in my life that I've decided to moderate, but I don't think this guilt and anxiety is worth it right now.
I'm taking 30 days off from drinking, then re-assessing. I have a lot of stress about this because ultimately I don't want complete sobriety, but I also don't want this guilt I'm feeling. And I am scared that, eventually, moderation will stop working.
So I don't have a plan right now. My plan is to take 30 days off, and then re-assess. That's the best I can do right now, but I still don't like not having a plan.
But every morning after I drink, I have woke up from bad dreams and enormous guilt. Most of this guilt is due to lying to everyone in my life except for a couple people about being sober. I could tell everyone in my life that I've decided to moderate, but I don't think this guilt and anxiety is worth it right now.
I'm taking 30 days off from drinking, then re-assessing. I have a lot of stress about this because ultimately I don't want complete sobriety, but I also don't want this guilt I'm feeling. And I am scared that, eventually, moderation will stop working.
So I don't have a plan right now. My plan is to take 30 days off, and then re-assess. That's the best I can do right now, but I still don't like not having a plan.
It's already out of control enough that you came back my friend; don't let it delude you. Stay clean and don't let it drag you back in; mistakes happen because we are all flawed humans. You can live a sober life
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,044
Hi BringmeBack,
I'm sorry you are struggling with your feelings about alcohol. None of us can tell you what is going to be best for you, only you know that.
During my first year of sobriety I would often go back and read my previous posts. I would read about how I found myself on SR in the first place. I read the posts from when I returned after failed attempts at moderating. I remembered the anxiety I felt worrying about how much I could or couldn't drink based on my latest attempt at moderation, and I remembered the mornings after drinking.
There is a reason we find ourselves here, and if we are questioning our drinking there is usually a good reason for it.
I regret that I didn't stop drinking when I was your age. I finally got sober right after my 45th birthday.
I know it can seem like alcohol is entrenched into so many activities/events, but in reflection I believe I felt that way because that was how I always participated in those events. Very few people really care whether anyone else is drinking, I was very obsessed about that in the beginning, but truthfully it was only me obsessing about things.
This is a wonderful wensite for support, and again, I hope you will continue to post if you find moderation is not working for you.
I'm sorry you are struggling with your feelings about alcohol. None of us can tell you what is going to be best for you, only you know that.
During my first year of sobriety I would often go back and read my previous posts. I would read about how I found myself on SR in the first place. I read the posts from when I returned after failed attempts at moderating. I remembered the anxiety I felt worrying about how much I could or couldn't drink based on my latest attempt at moderation, and I remembered the mornings after drinking.
There is a reason we find ourselves here, and if we are questioning our drinking there is usually a good reason for it.
I regret that I didn't stop drinking when I was your age. I finally got sober right after my 45th birthday.
I know it can seem like alcohol is entrenched into so many activities/events, but in reflection I believe I felt that way because that was how I always participated in those events. Very few people really care whether anyone else is drinking, I was very obsessed about that in the beginning, but truthfully it was only me obsessing about things.
This is a wonderful wensite for support, and again, I hope you will continue to post if you find moderation is not working for you.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
of course you're ALLOWED (your italics). you are not a kid needing permission for something.
to me, hearing that bachelorette parties and such constitute 'life' sounds odd, but that is likely because my idea of 'life' and what it is does not include alcohol and is more about struggles with 'meaning' and purpose. though of course there is a place for celebration.
if your life is truly better by living within self-imposed moderation-rules and you can stick to that without being obsessive about the next drinking day and drink coming up...way to go.
in that case, why guilt?
i do like Carl's question. well worth pondering, i think/
to me, hearing that bachelorette parties and such constitute 'life' sounds odd, but that is likely because my idea of 'life' and what it is does not include alcohol and is more about struggles with 'meaning' and purpose. though of course there is a place for celebration.
if your life is truly better by living within self-imposed moderation-rules and you can stick to that without being obsessive about the next drinking day and drink coming up...way to go.
in that case, why guilt?
i do like Carl's question. well worth pondering, i think/
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 771
Hey there, I’m glad you’re taking the 30 days off.
Youve probably heard of this, but I want to put it out there anyway—Have you looked into Annie Grace’s 30 Day Alcohol experiment? It’s basically what you’re doing, but as you go, you take a few minutes each day to read/listen to her videos. It might help you change your mindset about drinking. She promotes total abstinence of course, but is respectful about whatever you ultimately decide, whether it’s drinking again or continuing in your abstinence. Her book This Naked Mind is also really good.
Youve probably heard of this, but I want to put it out there anyway—Have you looked into Annie Grace’s 30 Day Alcohol experiment? It’s basically what you’re doing, but as you go, you take a few minutes each day to read/listen to her videos. It might help you change your mindset about drinking. She promotes total abstinence of course, but is respectful about whatever you ultimately decide, whether it’s drinking again or continuing in your abstinence. Her book This Naked Mind is also really good.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 1,312
Originally Posted by bringmeback7693
Everything I said is true though. People DO stigmatize me for getting sober, and act judgmental or plain awkward. That's a fact- I can say it doesn't bother me all I want, but I'd be lying.
And it is true that being sober around a bunch of drunk people is not fun. I can avoid most of those situations, but I can't avoid weddings, bachelorette parties, etc without missing out on life or disappointing others.
I'm sick of pretending that recovery is awesome and I'm so grateful for it. I'm not. I just want to be normal, whatever that means. And I can't lie about that anymore, I have to be honest.
And it is true that being sober around a bunch of drunk people is not fun. I can avoid most of those situations, but I can't avoid weddings, bachelorette parties, etc without missing out on life or disappointing others.
I'm sick of pretending that recovery is awesome and I'm so grateful for it. I'm not. I just want to be normal, whatever that means. And I can't lie about that anymore, I have to be honest.
I realized (am still realizing - work in progress) that I have cultivated a life built around drinking. Most of my friends are a combination of heavy drinkers and alcoholics. Of course they are frowning on my sobriety because I have threatened their lifestyle. My drinking “friends” bring shame, stigma, and judgement to me.
My normie friends have offered nothing but support. They don’t take it personally if I don’t attend an event due to alcohol or if I leave early due to alcohol. I am not threatening their lifestyle.
I think it really boils down to who we socialize with. I would probably attempt to moderate if I chose to continue relationships with my drinking friends.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Originally Posted by Snowydelrico
Is this the bargaining stage?
Bargaining can mean pretty much endless things -
I'll only drink on wkds, I'll only drink at night, I'll only drink wine, I will....
Never works, permanently, for an alcoholic.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 513
I've had nothing but positive responses from the people I spend time with in regards to giving up alcohol. I must point out that none of them thought I had a drinking problem and they don't know the reason I gave up. The response has largely been 'Wow, I honestly wish I was capable of the same. '
I'm worried about the company you keep if they make you think a life changing decision sucks. Nobody should ever make you feel like a freak or stigmatize you because you don't ingest a certain substance.
You may be looking for 'normal', but I can tell you normal is certainly not actively trying to moderate your drinking. Normal is being able to drink sensibly without even thinking about it.
It is concerning that you have no joy in any activities unless you drink. Were all these things horribly boring to you before you took your first drink?
Ultimately it's your decision. It sounds like you aren't ready to give up yet, so there may be a lot of convincing yourself that moderation is the key before you realize it absolutely isn't.
I'm worried about the company you keep if they make you think a life changing decision sucks. Nobody should ever make you feel like a freak or stigmatize you because you don't ingest a certain substance.
You may be looking for 'normal', but I can tell you normal is certainly not actively trying to moderate your drinking. Normal is being able to drink sensibly without even thinking about it.
It is concerning that you have no joy in any activities unless you drink. Were all these things horribly boring to you before you took your first drink?
Ultimately it's your decision. It sounds like you aren't ready to give up yet, so there may be a lot of convincing yourself that moderation is the key before you realize it absolutely isn't.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Phoenix
Posts: 1,189
I remember moderating my drinking...20 years ago. I was young, vibrant, wanted to live life to the fullest. The problem is that alcoholism sneaks up on you like a thief in the night. Drinks on Fri and Sat night, turn into brunch on Sunday. And then, who knows, why not during taco Tuesday, hump day, got those Thursday blues? Why wait for the weekend? The party is now!!
But, life isn't a party, and alcohol doesn't create the "fun."
Over the next 20 years I lost so many things due to having so much "fun"....what I would give to go back 20 years, and just stop. But I guess I needed to do more research on the subject........I hope you don't waste your precious life researching how much booze will take from you.
But, life isn't a party, and alcohol doesn't create the "fun."
Over the next 20 years I lost so many things due to having so much "fun"....what I would give to go back 20 years, and just stop. But I guess I needed to do more research on the subject........I hope you don't waste your precious life researching how much booze will take from you.
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,569
Please be careful with your precious life, bringmeback. I had all those same thoughts years ago. I tried desperately to hold on to the 'fun' that drinking gave me - by moderating. I was never able to stick to it for very long. After a bit of success, I eventually ended up drinking more than I intended, & for longer than I set out to. My moderating led to dependency. In the end I was drinking 24/7 with a ruined life. No one is trying to say this is what will happen to you - but your plans sound all too familiar. We'd give anything to keep you from the nightmare many of us have escaped from.
I'm glad you're posting.
I'm glad you're posting.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Location: Stockport/Greater Manchester/Cheshire
Posts: 911
Familiar indeed.
It always gets worse.
It’s a monster.
It chewed me up and spat me out.
And I’m one of the lucky ones.
Still got life to live and do anything I please, no longer tooing and froing in insanity.
Don’t let it trick you.
It always gets worse.
It’s a monster.
It chewed me up and spat me out.
And I’m one of the lucky ones.
Still got life to live and do anything I please, no longer tooing and froing in insanity.
Don’t let it trick you.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
If I drink I don't want to drink 3 drinks. What is the point? Really? I drink to get drunk and love to keep drinking. I can stop but don't want to. So really why bother just having 3 drinks. Do you count down for the rest of the week for the day you are going to have the 3 drinks? I did. count down to my allowed drinking day. What a waste of time. Then the day became earlier each week.
It's just so much easier to drink to take it off the table completely.
It's just so much easier to drink to take it off the table completely.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 421
I've had to learn how to enjoy life while not being drunk. I couldn't go to concerts, movies, sporting events, the bar, play pool, chill with friends, without being drunk. It made everything tolerable and fun!
I've learned during my journey that I am not a social person, crowds make me anxious, even talking to friends is boring. I prefer staying at home, alone, and only go out in public when I have to, or on the rare occurrence I actually want to.
Understanding my underlying triggers for drinking, and eliminating my crutch for booze, has expanded my understanding of myself.
Honestly, I'm a boring old (31) man. Sure, I missed out on things for awhile, and I still do sometimes, and that's fine, almost preferred. I'm confident now where I can go to a concert and I don't drink, and I make sure my friends get home safe.
I sincerely hope you can drink in moderation if you choose to try. Most of us probably have. What may come across as harsh is only meant to be helpful and to learn from the mistakes we've tried. Hopefully you are different.
Good luck.
I've learned during my journey that I am not a social person, crowds make me anxious, even talking to friends is boring. I prefer staying at home, alone, and only go out in public when I have to, or on the rare occurrence I actually want to.
Understanding my underlying triggers for drinking, and eliminating my crutch for booze, has expanded my understanding of myself.
Honestly, I'm a boring old (31) man. Sure, I missed out on things for awhile, and I still do sometimes, and that's fine, almost preferred. I'm confident now where I can go to a concert and I don't drink, and I make sure my friends get home safe.
I sincerely hope you can drink in moderation if you choose to try. Most of us probably have. What may come across as harsh is only meant to be helpful and to learn from the mistakes we've tried. Hopefully you are different.
Good luck.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
Originally Posted by bringmeback7693
Everything I said is true though. People DO stigmatize me for getting sober, and act judgmental or plain awkward. That's a fact- I can say it doesn't bother me all I want, but I'd be lying.
And it is true that being sober around a bunch of drunk people is not fun. I can avoid most of those situations, but I can't avoid weddings, bachelorette parties, etc without missing out on life or disappointing others.
I'm sick of pretending that recovery is awesome and I'm so grateful for it. I'm not. I just want to be normal, whatever that means. And I can't lie about that anymore, I have to be honest.
And it is true that being sober around a bunch of drunk people is not fun. I can avoid most of those situations, but I can't avoid weddings, bachelorette parties, etc without missing out on life or disappointing others.
I'm sick of pretending that recovery is awesome and I'm so grateful for it. I'm not. I just want to be normal, whatever that means. And I can't lie about that anymore, I have to be honest.
Why on earth do you think you are disappointing others by not drinking? I don't seriously think we have that much power or others are that affected by what we do. Maybe their judgment of you bothers you more, Do you really want to drink for yourself or just to please other people?
Maybe working on your relationship with your self, your self esteem and what's good for you might be beneficial. rather than worrying about what others think and living your life to please them or not upset them.
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