sobersolstice

I'm about 9 months sober, which is my longest stretch, but observing my patterns during sober stints, I've noticed a 'pink cloud' phase of wanting to clean, de-clutter, start new activities, eat healthier, work harder, find new career options, find new passions, etc., but in the midst of all this, I found that I'm being too harsh on myself ( or not harsh enough?).

They aren't patterns that are normal to the majority of my life, so it's easy for me to fall back into lazy patterns that were part of my drinking life. Sure, I'm not hungover when I get up, but didn't feel motivated to go skiing, or do work, so I stayed in bed until 3pm... I'll feel guilty and get a workout in, or clean the bathroom, or whatever, but I start to get a little dull and 'bored of laziness' if you will. In the past, this laziness has lead to relapse because I stop seeing improvement in my life directly from sobriety. Now I understand sobriety doesn't fix all of life's problems, but it feels that way for a few months, then I'm back to feeling physically/mentally clumsy. It's likely that I'm not, but shortly after stopping, overall function increases in a noticeable way, so it's more observable I guess.

I feel like I need to completely restructure my life to live a fulfilled life. I'm re-learning how to live again, and I'm not sure how because I never had the foundation being raised on booze.

I'm trying to exercise more, eat better, and make new friends, but I don't feel I fully know myself. I'm meeting people and presenting a natural flow of words, but my consciousness feels off. ...Sounds trivial, but the pull of the booze during these times of "I don't know who I am" stress is strong. We want to go back to patterns we know, even if they're detrimental. ...Going back to what feels 'normal'.

I went on a huge rush to catch up on time lost, and now I'm exhausted, and back to how I start feeling when I want to go drinking. The problem is, my brain processes only the positive feelings after a few beers; not all of the horrible things I've written in my journal after a binge.

I know I can't drink, but how do you handle things, and crank up your life when you get in a funk that follows similar patterns to when you were drinking? I'm sober, but some days, live like I'm back to drinking. This sometimes leads me back to the booze...

What have you all done to pull out of this funk? It's hard coming into the holidays alone as well. I'm running into close calls...

Anna

You're right, sobriety does not fix all of life's problems, not at all. Sobriety is the beginning, but making lifestyle changes to support your recovery is important. I can tell you what worked for me. I had to stop thinking in terms of 'should' and stop and really listened to my soul about what to do.

It sounds to me like you take on a lot of things and then you feel exhausted. That puts you in a very vulnerable solution and leaves you feeling down. Make sure you spend some quiet time with yourself every day. Journaling could be really good for helping you to learn more about yourself. Choose people and activities in your life that lift you up and make you feel good.

If you are going to be alone in the Holidays, you could use it as an opportunity to volunteer with Christmas Dinner at a homeless shelter in your area.

orderfororder

I am only coming up on two months myself, so I could very much be speaking from the "pink cloud" perspective. But to me, the lack of drive and the drinking go hand in hand. Meaning that my lazy tendencies led to lack of ambition which led to more boredom which led to drinking. Of course there were other reasons for my drinking (the anti-anxiety effects), but the boredom is what perpetuated the real problematic kind of drinking (the drinking alone, the drinking just to pass the time).

Lately, I have been going to the gym almost everyday and am eating much better (for the most part...I will still let myself indulge in 'bad' food if it keeps me from drinking) as well as trying new things.

But I've been obsessed with exercise in the past and eventually became bored of it. So I know that I can't depend on these activities to keep me afloat. I'm thinking that every few weeks or so I have to try and change things up a bit so that I don't become bored of my routine. That said, I can't just run away from boredom. It is a part of life. The real work, I think, will be in allowing myself to be bored and letting it pass as uncomfortable as it can be rather than quickly trying to drown it with drinks.

I know exactly what you mean about not really knowing who you are anymore. I have those same thoughts now. I'm trying to work it out, but I think it will take some time. It's like we have to refind joy and meaning in a way that is not related to our old habits. Eventually our mind will have rewired enough that we see ourselves in this new light.

PalmerSage

A few thoughts. Regarding "down" phases in sobriety, I've definitely had those, but I do find that they usually precede some kind of growth or breakthrough. I struggled a lot with "I need to fix everything all at once" in past sobriety attempts, and I think what has helped me this time is to seriously take some pressure off myself. Especially in the first 6 months, I slept as much as I could and ate whatever I wanted (of course, this was within the parameters of my responsibilities as a parent and full-time employee, in addition to others, but when I had a chance to relax, I took it). Gradually, I started to add light exercise until I was ready to really tackle weight loss. I made "done" lists instead of "to do" lists...anything to reinforce the self-care I had neglected for so long. Now, at almost a year sober, I'm definitely not doing any victory laps but I am learning how to recognize some of the signs that my plan and routine needs to be tweaked. It's starting to get easier.

TeeJayVerm

So much in this thread speaks to me! The unfortunate part is that I have abstained, relapsed, abstained, relapse, etc... so my motivation likewise wanes but don't have the sustained success yet.

It is hard to know where this will lead... perhaps having a more sensible approach to sobriety will bring me more success than the "gung ho", "rah rah" excitement that ends up burning me out.

Perhaps painting sobriety for someone who abuses alcohol as nothing but rainbows and unicorns (e.g., "Thriving in Sobriety" as the 30 Day Sobriety Solution recommends) is not realistic. Maybe it is just a matter of acknowledging that life always has its "ups" and "downs" but there will be more "ups" if we lead a sober life?

Guener

I definitely experience periods of recovery fatigue, at this stage, or whatever you want to call it. Sometimes I feel that I'm doing so much to try to be better that I lose sight of the purpose and I end up feeling uneasy. I'm going through one of those patches right now, and I'm aware that I have to be mindful of it to avoid going back to my habit of rewarding myself for an accomplishment through drinking or to set my mind at ease from the affect that alcohol used to, in my memory, bring to me.

Thinking in economic terms, every time we consume something in ever greater quantities, we get a diminishing degree of satisfaction from each additional unit of what we receive. I can watch a movie or two and really enjoy it a lot, but by the fifth movie I'm getting less happiness out of the experience, and it continues from there. Even drinking works that way, the first drink or two is a good experience, but as I added the next drink, I got less and less out of each unit I was consuming. Of course, for the alcoholic, the first drink is never the last, or almost always ends up that way in time, so the law of diminishing returns is applied quickly.

Part of what I have to reset for myself is the compulsion to seek something out to the extreme. I don't necessarily need to have full engagement of the animal part of my brain any longer to achieve a sense of well-being, I need to be realistic about my expectations and about reaching perfect, sustainable degrees of achievement in outcomes or in emotional states. If I pursue too strongly I will probably find dissatisfaction in the end. Again, in economic language, I need to reach my point of equilibrium or I will exhaust myself.

Some people achieve states of mental well-being and satisfaction with, to one's own self-comparison, relative ease. Sometimes this is through gratitude, spiritual practice, meditation, mindfulness, or other places of composure. I'm still figuring it out for me. And I need to extend my patience with myself and what I am trying to do to lengths that are a stretch for me. I've learned a lot of relatively unsuccessful habits aside from the drinking that need to adjust with me. This is uncomfortable for me.

Thank you for your patience as I try to figure out my new world and for reading to the end.

sobersolstice

Yeah, I tried to transform my life right away with athlete level intense workouts, going to bars with friends and dates just to prove to myself that I can do it... ate clean and healthy, cleaned my house manically, and worked hard.

Now everything is messy again, lost a gf, lifting and exercising just to maintain and feel better, and being kind of anti-social to be honest; I found socializing constantly around alcohol in a sober state to be stressful, and tough. I just know it's everywhere, so I wanted to be able to stay sober through these experiences off the bat.

On a positive note, I've saved enough money to get my broken tooth replaced, and have an MRI on my knees to diagnose ligament tears and meniscus issues.

I'm just not sure what to do now? Time management has been the most difficult part of all this. I see my friends running around like maniacs working in neuroscience as researchers and professors, running for congress while traveling the world climbing and skiing. Meanwhile, I'm cleaning windows for a living (to feed parents), and staring at the ceiling, looking for the answer. I've called a life coach today to set up an appointment. Hope it helps..

Guener

I was engaged to a woman who I thought should be a life coach, as she is very perceptive about people and believes strongly in the ability of others to change their thinking and to achieve happiness through the course of assessing values and working toward those merits. She lovingly asked me to leave, because I was (am) an alcoholic. Her advice to me was to find happiness by beginning with myself and getting sober. That's what I'm working on now.

I try not to compare myself now to where I was in terms of station in life. That just brings on feelings of regret. I have a somewhat limited position and potential for upward mobility in my current job, but it leaves me room to achieve what I am able to do to support myself and the space to give my search for long-term sobriety a better chance. My expectations are set by a reality that is governed by my first premise of not drinking, and by meeting those expectations I don't suffer a lot of anxiety over comparing myself to others anymore.

I think that talking to a life coach is a great idea to think about you, where you want to be in the future, and what is special about your talents. Growth is an aim that we all seek whether in recovery or not. I look forward to hearing how it goes from here.