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I put back my drinks.

Old 07-17-2018, 04:56 PM
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I put back my drinks.

I had a couple of brain-thwacks today. The way sometimes people recoil as if slapped when told something unpleasant? Like that, but it was a physical 'whoa' in my head like my brain had been struck. One was that my hands shaking was really actually genuinely not a good thing. The second was that I am a real addict, not some sort of pretend addict, or an addict just for now.
Tonight I realised with a shock that the usual pangs and the 'drink drink drink' nagging were absent (they usually begin about 1/2 an hour before my scheduled drinking time). Once it was 'drinking time' I went to get my usual drinks all ready for my nightly ritual of getting drunk while watching crappy TV. I had everything set up, TV playing, shows lined up, beer in hand, finger on the ring-pull. I found myself grimacing at the thought of drinking it. I found myself thinking back to other nights, only 2 beers in and regretting it, cursing myself for stupidly drinking, videoing myself getting progressively drunker (a recent phase). I found I really didn't want this beer, or to drink at all. I sat there for 45 minutes, alternately watching TV and pausing to reflect on just what the heck was going on. Tv is now off, beers are now out of sight again (no mean feat as I can't recall the last night of non-drinking).
Am feeling weird though. The nagging voice is there - weak but there. 'Drinking time is ticking away' (I refuse to begin drinking after midnight). I am dumbfounded - this is the first time I have ever had such a strong voice imploring me not to drink. In all honesty, I am struggling with it. When anything new/unexpected happens, my go-to is to drink (like most of us, I guess) - this is a brand spanking new set of feelings so my first thought is to drink - but the new feeling is to not drink. How I imagine a quitting smoker feels when wanted a smoke because they are stressed, then realising that the reason they are stressed is that they can't smoke.
Is this a one-off? Is it the beginning of something? If it persists, how will I ever get used to this feeling? I don't know how to deal with this - drinking solves these feelings!! Round and round in circles!
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Old 07-17-2018, 05:34 PM
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I really hope you can make this your turning point newme

D
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Old 07-17-2018, 06:13 PM
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You should really make those beers out of sight by pouring them down the drain!
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Old 07-17-2018, 11:12 PM
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Why on earth are beers still in the house?? You don't have to test yourself you know! Please, please do your sobriety a favour and tip it away or give it away or something!

There are lots of AA speaker recordings for beginners in sobriety available. Perhaps listening to one of these in the lead up to the witching hour might help?

Changing your routine a bit more so you aren't doing the other parts of your ritual at that point (even if only for a while) would be useful as well. Perhaps take a walk, or even drive somewhere for a walk. Even better, get to an AA meeting or similar.

You are likely to have pink cloud days when your resolve is strong and you feel very positive. You're also likely to have days when it feels like a battle. Like you're being thrown around like a puppet by your addiction. You can get through both kinds of days sober, but the second kind will be easier with a local support network of people who know what you're going through because they been there in the past themselves.

BB

PS this is where I get my recovery speaker recordings... http://www.recoveryaudio.org
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Old 07-18-2018, 12:17 AM
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Glad you chose sobriety tonight. When you wake up feeling great tomorrow savor that feeling, and remember it when thoughts of drinking pop in your head. It never gets old.
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Old 07-18-2018, 12:44 AM
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Your conscience has escaped from the grip of alcohol to give you this moment of clarity.
Don’t suppress yourself any more.
Become the person you want to be.
Those feelings are yours to feel. Get used to them and enjoy living in your own skin.
Don’t let the booze corrupt your brain and thought process anymore, it only gets worse. Leaving a bigger tangled mess to unwind.

Look after yourself , treat yourself like you would treat your best friend.

Life without drink really does knock the spots off a so called life with drink.
There are a trillion other things to do, don’t get blind sided.
We’re only here once, make it count.

Good luck, be strong.
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Old 07-18-2018, 10:47 PM
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I have obviously changed my routine in the past - all that achieved was my doing something different while the AV nagged away until I gave in and drank. I have thrown away the beer in the past - all that achieved was a loss of money that I couldn't afford to lose before I forced my partner into going out for more beer. I understand it isn't good to have the alcohol there, but not having it there makes me crazy - I think about it constantly and scheme to get some (and I always get it as I am made so desperate by the hours of AV nagging). When beer is there the AV begins nagging only half an hour before my nightly ritual, it is nowhere near as severe and I am able to say no occasionally (when beer is not there my chances of staying sober are actually zero; when it is there my chances are not high but they are certainly higher than zero). I cannot attend AA, or go for a drive because I don't have the time, money, freedom or resources. I am certainly guilty of using many excuses to continue drinking but being unable to attend AA/go for a drive - even go for a walk is not an excuse, it is a truth. There are no pink clouds here, I don't feel particularly 'up', I feel more numb than anything, and this is still a battle. My thoughts (mine, not the AV's) have just switched sides for now, but the AV is still there, just not as strong right now.

Anyway, I did it again last night. 2 nights of getting all set up, then putting it all away again. Last night I had zero desire to drink and it only took me 15 minutes to give up and put it all away. I couldn't just wonder whether I would drink or not while doing something else - the thoughts would just drive me insane and I never, ever drink without the ritual being precisely right, so I needed to set it all up to see how I really felt. I realised that rather than convincing myself to drink when I didn't want to, I was actually convincing myself not to drink. My body and brain would not allow it to happen. It doesn't seem as though some of you are too impressed but this has never happened to me before. It is a feeling I have never experienced when it comes to alcohol in all my 15 years of drinking - that is astounding to me.
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Old 07-18-2018, 10:50 PM
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Originally Posted by Snowydelrico View Post
Your conscience has escaped from the grip of alcohol to give you this moment of clarity.
Donít suppress yourself any more.
Become the person you want to be.
Those feelings are yours to feel. Get used to them and enjoy living in your own skin.
Donít let the booze corrupt your brain and thought process anymore, it only gets worse. Leaving a bigger tangled mess to unwind.

Look after yourself , treat yourself like you would treat your best friend.

Life without drink really does knock the spots off a so called life with drink.
There are a trillion other things to do, donít get blind sided.
Weíre only here once, make it count.

Good luck, be strong.
That is all so beautiful, particularly the first line. Thank you. I will remember that line.
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Old 07-19-2018, 01:43 AM
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Time money freedom resources are all things taken away from us by the booze as it slowly isolates and sucks us dry leaving us empty and soulless.

Harsh but true.

Use your new found strength now before it gets captured and locked up for another 15 years.

I do hope you can do this.
It really is worth it.
It remains the best thing I have ever done.

Make time and prioritise your recovery above anything and everything.
Make you and your recovery number 1.
By virtue of doing this everything will slowly fall into place giving you so much respect for yourself and relief and an enormous sense of achievement.

Chip away at it like it did to you.
Until you have yourself back.

Take care
Be kind to yourself
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