I have obviously changed my routine in the past - all that achieved was my doing something different while the AV nagged away until I gave in and drank. I have thrown away the beer in the past - all that achieved was a loss of money that I couldn't afford to lose before I forced my partner into going out for more beer. I understand it isn't good to have the alcohol there, but not having it there makes me crazy - I think about it constantly and scheme to get some (and I always get it as I am made so desperate by the hours of AV nagging). When beer is there the AV begins nagging only half an hour before my nightly ritual, it is nowhere near as severe and I am able to say no occasionally (when beer is not there my chances of staying sober are actually zero; when it is there my chances are not high but they are certainly higher than zero). I cannot attend AA, or go for a drive because I don't have the time, money, freedom or resources. I am certainly guilty of using many excuses to continue drinking but being unable to attend AA/go for a drive - even go for a walk is not an excuse, it is a truth. There are no pink clouds here, I don't feel particularly 'up', I feel more numb than anything, and this is still a battle. My thoughts (mine, not the AV's) have just switched sides for now, but the AV is still there, just not as strong right now.
Anyway, I did it again last night. 2 nights of getting all set up, then putting it all away again. Last night I had zero desire to drink and it only took me 15 minutes to give up and put it all away. I couldn't just wonder whether I would drink or not while doing something else - the thoughts would just drive me insane and I never, ever drink without the ritual being precisely right, so I needed to set it all up to see how I really felt. I realised that rather than convincing myself to drink when I didn't want to, I was actually convincing myself not to drink. My body and brain would not allow it to happen. It doesn't seem as though some of you are too impressed but this has never happened to me before. It is a feeling I have never experienced when it comes to alcohol in all my 15 years of drinking - that is astounding to me.