What to say
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Join Date: Jul 2018
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What to say
Day 23 today.
The only person who knows the truth behind my getting sober is my husband. My friends and family think I’m on a break, or on a diet, or I’m sick, or whatever. Honestly, (and thankfully) none of them really care except for my in-law...
Every time I see her she asks increasingly invasive questions and wants to dive deep into why I’m not drinking. My in-laws were some of my best drinking buddies (hubby included) so I assume her motivation behind the questioning has to do with losing a drinking buddy and all the realizations that go with that.
I brush off her questions with short answers and remove myself from her company, but she keeps coming back to ask the same question over and over and over.
Right now, I feel very vulnerable and don’t feel ready to discuss my true reasons with her. I’m increasingly frustrated with her invasive questions and am starting to feel an increase in rage when in her presence (or when thinking about the next time I’ll be around her).
Any advice?
The only person who knows the truth behind my getting sober is my husband. My friends and family think I’m on a break, or on a diet, or I’m sick, or whatever. Honestly, (and thankfully) none of them really care except for my in-law...
Every time I see her she asks increasingly invasive questions and wants to dive deep into why I’m not drinking. My in-laws were some of my best drinking buddies (hubby included) so I assume her motivation behind the questioning has to do with losing a drinking buddy and all the realizations that go with that.
I brush off her questions with short answers and remove myself from her company, but she keeps coming back to ask the same question over and over and over.
Right now, I feel very vulnerable and don’t feel ready to discuss my true reasons with her. I’m increasingly frustrated with her invasive questions and am starting to feel an increase in rage when in her presence (or when thinking about the next time I’ll be around her).
Any advice?
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Join Date: Dec 2014
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I'm not big on letting the "I'm an alcoholic" cat out of the bag,so I just tell people that ask 'still not drinking?' that "No..I feel great since stopping,so I don't plan on drinking again." I've found that others often start to question their own drinking habits,especially when they question "how'd you do it?" Like it's some kind of mystery beyond not picking up the first drink. 
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 514
This issue has always baffled me!!! When someone orders a drink, no one asks “why are you drinking something that will alter your state of mind? Are you not having fun? Are you sad and want to forget something?”
I suspect the reason they keep asking is because a non-drinker makes them self-conscious about their own drinking habits. It makes them question why they drink, and they don’t want to face that. Sometimes I say “I’ve developed an allergy to alcohol, so I’m avoiding it” or simply “it makes me feel awful, and I feel better since I’ve stopped”. It shouldn’t have to go further than that.
Your sobriety is no one’s business but your own!
I suspect the reason they keep asking is because a non-drinker makes them self-conscious about their own drinking habits. It makes them question why they drink, and they don’t want to face that. Sometimes I say “I’ve developed an allergy to alcohol, so I’m avoiding it” or simply “it makes me feel awful, and I feel better since I’ve stopped”. It shouldn’t have to go further than that.
Your sobriety is no one’s business but your own!
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 199
👆🏾I go with, “I have so much more energy when I don’t drink”, and sometimes I add, “I’m not getting any younger, so time to get serious about being healthy”.
Let them decide what that means for them, but almost all of my friends took it at face value and even dialed back their own consumption.
Let them decide what that means for them, but almost all of my friends took it at face value and even dialed back their own consumption.
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I'd suggest just telling her that you choose not to drink because you feel better when you don't. If she persists tell her you'd appreciate it if she didn't ask you about it anymore because it makes you uncomfortable.
One of the most difficult parts of getting sober is setting boundaries, especially in a situation like this. You can't change her motivations, so you have to do what's best for you in this particular case. It's very possible that she does feel threatened because she's lost a drinking buddy, but that's her problem, not yours. And it's not your responsibility to make her feel better or appease her in some way because of your decision. She may not like it and lash out because of it, but again - that's her problem, not yours.
One of the most difficult parts of getting sober is setting boundaries, especially in a situation like this. You can't change her motivations, so you have to do what's best for you in this particular case. It's very possible that she does feel threatened because she's lost a drinking buddy, but that's her problem, not yours. And it's not your responsibility to make her feel better or appease her in some way because of your decision. She may not like it and lash out because of it, but again - that's her problem, not yours.
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Originally Posted by DontRemember 
I'm not big on letting the "I'm an alcoholic" cat out of the bag,so I just tell people that ask 'still not drinking?' that "No..I feel great since stopping,so I don't plan on drinking again." I've found that others often start to question their own drinking habits,especially when they question "how'd you do it?" Like it's some kind of mystery beyond not picking up the first drink.
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[QUOTE=VigilanceNow;6946917]This issue has always baffled me!!! When someone orders a drink, no one asks “why are you drinking something that will alter your state of mind? Are you not having fun? Are you sad and want to forget something?”
Seriously!! It’s ridiculous that so much time and energy must be spent telling others why we aren’t drinking!
Seriously!! It’s ridiculous that so much time and energy must be spent telling others why we aren’t drinking!
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Originally Posted by eyes99
👆🏾I go with, “I have so much more energy when I don’t drink”, and sometimes I add, “I’m not getting any younger, so time to get serious about being healthy”.
Let them decide what that means for them, but almost all of my friends took it at face value and even dialed back their own consumption.
Let them decide what that means for them, but almost all of my friends took it at face value and even dialed back their own consumption.
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Originally Posted by ScottFromWI
I'd suggest just telling her that you choose not to drink because you feel better when you don't. If she persists tell her you'd appreciate it if she didn't ask you about it anymore because it makes you uncomfortable.
One of the most difficult parts of getting sober is setting boundaries, especially in a situation like this. You can't change her motivations, so you have to do what's best for you in this particular case. It's very possible that she does feel threatened because she's lost a drinking buddy, but that's her problem, not yours. And it's not your responsibility to make her feel better or appease her in some way because of your decision. She may not like it and lash out because of it, but again - that's her problem, not yours.
One of the most difficult parts of getting sober is setting boundaries, especially in a situation like this. You can't change her motivations, so you have to do what's best for you in this particular case. It's very possible that she does feel threatened because she's lost a drinking buddy, but that's her problem, not yours. And it's not your responsibility to make her feel better or appease her in some way because of your decision. She may not like it and lash out because of it, but again - that's her problem, not yours.
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Join Date: Dec 2014
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Originally Posted by Atlast9999
DontRemember: Like you, I don’t feel like sharing that I’m an alcoholic either. I do wonder if she is questioning her drinking based on my choice not to. I like your reason of saying “I just feel better” too.
Just keep doing you and whatever you need to do to be happy with yourself. F' what others think. Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
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Seriously!! It’s ridiculous that so much time and energy must be spent telling others why we aren’t drinking!
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Originally Posted by nez
The answers we give don't need to go into depth, but I always relish the opportunity as another chance to silently reflect upon and reinforce the idea in my own head.
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While reading your post, my initial thought.. Does she assume you're pregnant?! I guess that thinking for me comes from.. In law. Maybe you're out of the baby range, I don't know.
But I also agree with everyone above.
It's hard to know what someone is thinking without just blanetly asking them what the deal is and why so concerned of my not drinking
But I also agree with everyone above.
It's hard to know what someone is thinking without just blanetly asking them what the deal is and why so concerned of my not drinking
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 568
I'm like you. I don't tell people I had a problem. I Quit December 25th. I told people that I was going to do "dry January" after that I told people that I felt so much better I was going for a "dry year" . I told my sister-in-law that my doctor told me not to mix alcohol with my medications. People / friends have quit asking me. When I go into a drinking situation I will order a virgin cocktail and no one asks why I'm not drinking.
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Location: US
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It’s very difficult for me to set boundaries, not people please, remember that not everything is my problem, and that I don’t have to solve every problem.
This is a very important sentence. Because setting boundaries and owning only your feelings and reactions will help keep you sober. Doing the opposite will help keep you drunk.
That rage you feel? She isn't causing that. You are choosing that response. I say this because I have been where you are big time. And I've used it as a reason so relapse. What I now know is that rage is my addict. Its my addiction getting all furious about not being able to drink....and having to justify over and over again to someone I used to drink with. For me I have to shut it down...not deflect it. I don't drink, no matter what, I won't change my mind. That rage will quiet down when it realizes there is no 'in'. Right now, its a reservation showing itself.
No is a complete sentence
This is a very important sentence. Because setting boundaries and owning only your feelings and reactions will help keep you sober. Doing the opposite will help keep you drunk.
That rage you feel? She isn't causing that. You are choosing that response. I say this because I have been where you are big time. And I've used it as a reason so relapse. What I now know is that rage is my addict. Its my addiction getting all furious about not being able to drink....and having to justify over and over again to someone I used to drink with. For me I have to shut it down...not deflect it. I don't drink, no matter what, I won't change my mind. That rage will quiet down when it realizes there is no 'in'. Right now, its a reservation showing itself.
No is a complete sentence
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Originally Posted by DreamCatcher17
While reading your post, my initial thought.. Does she assume you're pregnant?! I guess that thinking for me comes from.. In law. Maybe you're out of the baby range, I don't know.
But I also agree with everyone above.
It's hard to know what someone is thinking without just blanetly asking them what the deal is and why so concerned of my not drinking
But I also agree with everyone above.
It's hard to know what someone is thinking without just blanetly asking them what the deal is and why so concerned of my not drinking
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 1,312
Originally Posted by Frickaflip233
It’s very difficult for me to set boundaries, not people please, remember that not everything is my problem, and that I don’t have to solve every problem.
This is a very important sentence. Because setting boundaries and owning only your feelings and reactions will help keep you sober. Doing the opposite will help keep you drunk.
That rage you feel? She isn't causing that. You are choosing that response. I say this because I have been where you are big time. And I've used it as a reason so relapse. What I now know is that rage is my addict. Its my addiction getting all furious about not being able to drink....and having to justify over and over again to someone I used to drink with. For me I have to shut it down...not deflect it. I don't drink, no matter what, I won't change my mind. That rage will quiet down when it realizes there is no 'in'. Right now, its a reservation showing itself.
No is a complete sentence
This is a very important sentence. Because setting boundaries and owning only your feelings and reactions will help keep you sober. Doing the opposite will help keep you drunk.
That rage you feel? She isn't causing that. You are choosing that response. I say this because I have been where you are big time. And I've used it as a reason so relapse. What I now know is that rage is my addict. Its my addiction getting all furious about not being able to drink....and having to justify over and over again to someone I used to drink with. For me I have to shut it down...not deflect it. I don't drink, no matter what, I won't change my mind. That rage will quiet down when it realizes there is no 'in'. Right now, its a reservation showing itself.
No is a complete sentence
I’m fully out of the drinking game. I have no desire to get back in. I need to practice setting my boundaries and remembering that no is a complete sentence. Thank you.
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Location: Florida., USA
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Originally Posted by DreamCatcher17
While reading your post, my initial thought.. Does she assume you're pregnant?! I guess that thinking for me comes from.. In law. Maybe you're out of the baby range, I don't know.
But I also agree with everyone above.
It's hard to know what someone is thinking without just blanetly asking them what the deal is and why so concerned of my not drinking
But I also agree with everyone above.
It's hard to know what someone is thinking without just blanetly asking them what the deal is and why so concerned of my not drinking
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
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I used to think I owed people a bog long explanation, especially if they were really interested in why I stopped drinking.
I found that no thanks is all the explanation I need to give.
If things get really rough tell her that her drinking and drunken behaviour inspired you to stop - that oughta do it
D
I found that no thanks is all the explanation I need to give.
If things get really rough tell her that her drinking and drunken behaviour inspired you to stop - that oughta do it
D
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