What have I learned in 95 days?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 113
What have I learned in 95 days?
Hi all,
So I haven’t really wrote since I got back from rehab. I’ve been on browsing forums and chatting and wanting to write but I couldn’t! Why? I’m not sure.. I suppose maybe because I didn’t know what to say or how to put it is probably better. Anyway I’ll give it a go and hopefully it nights help someone, or someone may have advic for me..
A little background, I had my last drink the day before Easter Sunday I just couldn’t do it anymore, I was miserable and making everyone else miserable! I had knows for a long time I needed to stop BUT well that’s just it.. there is no but.. I was unhappy sober and even unhappier drunk! Not violent or anything just washing machine head constantly and so unsure about EVERYTHING! My anxiety was through the roof and I was trying to keep all the balls in the air to pertray to anyone looking in all was perfect! Now another thing is my partner had been in aa before I met him but was back drinking, I can look at this as “well I didn’t know once an alcoholic always an alcoholic” or maybe chose not to see it and his behavior because it ”suited me” no judgement etc! But enough was enough after a year and a bit of heavy drinking my body and mind couldn’t do it anymore!
I arranged a 5 week rehab at 11000 euro and so begins the next part... I had to wait 3 weeks for a bed to become free, and didn’t drink! It was awful, I didn’t want to be by myself, I couldn’t eat or sleep properly but was so defieted I just couldn’t drink! In a way a sense of relief was there for 5 weeks I would go to the care of people who understand and could begin to help! The 5 weeks were intense, group therapy twice a day along with other therapy’s and aa most days! 2 hrs of seeing family at the weekend and although I thought before going in that would kill me not seeing my kids for longer in a way it was enough by them time those 2 hrs care I was mentally exhausted that playing with them and chatting took the last bit of energy! While in treatment I worked really hard, trying to understand why!! Like everything why??? Tearing up the past, thinking and talking and talking and talking!! Trying to understand everything I could! I cried myself to sleep sometimes and cried most days! For me the penny dropped when I began to understand the depth of certain parts of my life that I had issues with it was okay not to be okay with them!
It brought up a lot of hurt and resentment for people very close to me, my mom especially! And these are things I will have to continue to deal with!
They say “the good thing is you get your feelings back, the bad thing is you get your feelings back” and this could not be more true for me! I drank on these feelings, pushing them down to complete oblivion.. why? BECAUSE OF MY ADDICTION, it wanted me to, it was how it held me... there, stuck... IN MY BEHAVIORS because that’s a huge part of my addiction! Thriving on adrenaline, happy... drink, sad... drink, angry... drink!! Hey the fish died... drink! Anything that allowed me feel any kind of anything I would drink.. why? Because I didn’t like feeling!! It was always someone else’s fault, even though some of those are valid reasons to feel happy or angry once I drank it suppressed it and so the circle continues! Even writting it exsauses my mind now! So during rehab I did a lot of inner child work, sounded nuts at the start, thought I was in the wrong place... but wow, this is where I really feel my thinking began to change, without going too much into it I was writing a letter from my inner child one day with my left hand (I am right handed) telling me what was hurting and what she needed from me! I cried and cried all that day. Something came over me that made me okay with who I was now! And gave me an understanding of who I wanted to be! Who? Me!!! But happy me, not holding onto the past, having achievable expectations from others to give the respect I DESERVE and being the best mom I can be! Sounds easy? In my addiction it took ALL of that away, my self worth, my goals, ambitions and values! When I look at that it’s EVERYTHING.. addiction to my piece of mind and that’s a horrible feeling!
So today.... is life perfect? Nope, some of the same problems are still there ex not stepping up, issues with my mom, missing my dead brother struggles with my boy with aspergers... all still there! Are they going to change? Not overnight, in my addiction i wanted everything fixed NOW. Not possible! What do I do? I imagine I have a 6foot by 6 foot patch of grass, this is MY patch, my thoughts, emotions, my children and all things I am responsible for! I water that grass and cut it and feed to help it grow.. that’s ALL I CAN DO! Everything else is out of my control! I attended my meetings and have made some great friends who GET IT!
My partner is back in aa (his choice) and our recovery paths are our own! This has caused a few heated discussions but mainly all okay! If one slips it’s over.. and that’s very real! My home seems happier and my kids more settled.. why? Apart from the obvious I’m not drinking.. it again goes back to behaviors, even when I was with them I wasn’t presant!! That is something that saddens me.. but I have learned that beating myself over this will get me nowhere, and I’m here now, with an open heart and mind! Am I fixed? Most definitely not.. never will be but I will get better.. I’ll continue to be open to change and working on myself and the past issues as hard as they may be! Why? Because I DESERVE IT.. I deserve a good life with my children, I’m a good person and good mom no matter what my addiction has told me!! All the talk in aa of “life beyond your wildest dreams” I thought they were nuts, but my mind is at peace and that to me is it! I can deal with the other s***t life throws, because it will.. but I will handle it to the best of my abilities! Sorry for rambling, I know I’ll probably even struggle to understand some of this when I read it back 😂 I hope everyone is doing okay and keep putting one foot in front of the other because some days that’s all we can do! Xx
“Just when the caterpillar thought its life was over, it became a beautiful butterfly🦋“ xx
So I haven’t really wrote since I got back from rehab. I’ve been on browsing forums and chatting and wanting to write but I couldn’t! Why? I’m not sure.. I suppose maybe because I didn’t know what to say or how to put it is probably better. Anyway I’ll give it a go and hopefully it nights help someone, or someone may have advic for me..
A little background, I had my last drink the day before Easter Sunday I just couldn’t do it anymore, I was miserable and making everyone else miserable! I had knows for a long time I needed to stop BUT well that’s just it.. there is no but.. I was unhappy sober and even unhappier drunk! Not violent or anything just washing machine head constantly and so unsure about EVERYTHING! My anxiety was through the roof and I was trying to keep all the balls in the air to pertray to anyone looking in all was perfect! Now another thing is my partner had been in aa before I met him but was back drinking, I can look at this as “well I didn’t know once an alcoholic always an alcoholic” or maybe chose not to see it and his behavior because it ”suited me” no judgement etc! But enough was enough after a year and a bit of heavy drinking my body and mind couldn’t do it anymore!
I arranged a 5 week rehab at 11000 euro and so begins the next part... I had to wait 3 weeks for a bed to become free, and didn’t drink! It was awful, I didn’t want to be by myself, I couldn’t eat or sleep properly but was so defieted I just couldn’t drink! In a way a sense of relief was there for 5 weeks I would go to the care of people who understand and could begin to help! The 5 weeks were intense, group therapy twice a day along with other therapy’s and aa most days! 2 hrs of seeing family at the weekend and although I thought before going in that would kill me not seeing my kids for longer in a way it was enough by them time those 2 hrs care I was mentally exhausted that playing with them and chatting took the last bit of energy! While in treatment I worked really hard, trying to understand why!! Like everything why??? Tearing up the past, thinking and talking and talking and talking!! Trying to understand everything I could! I cried myself to sleep sometimes and cried most days! For me the penny dropped when I began to understand the depth of certain parts of my life that I had issues with it was okay not to be okay with them!
It brought up a lot of hurt and resentment for people very close to me, my mom especially! And these are things I will have to continue to deal with!
They say “the good thing is you get your feelings back, the bad thing is you get your feelings back” and this could not be more true for me! I drank on these feelings, pushing them down to complete oblivion.. why? BECAUSE OF MY ADDICTION, it wanted me to, it was how it held me... there, stuck... IN MY BEHAVIORS because that’s a huge part of my addiction! Thriving on adrenaline, happy... drink, sad... drink, angry... drink!! Hey the fish died... drink! Anything that allowed me feel any kind of anything I would drink.. why? Because I didn’t like feeling!! It was always someone else’s fault, even though some of those are valid reasons to feel happy or angry once I drank it suppressed it and so the circle continues! Even writting it exsauses my mind now! So during rehab I did a lot of inner child work, sounded nuts at the start, thought I was in the wrong place... but wow, this is where I really feel my thinking began to change, without going too much into it I was writing a letter from my inner child one day with my left hand (I am right handed) telling me what was hurting and what she needed from me! I cried and cried all that day. Something came over me that made me okay with who I was now! And gave me an understanding of who I wanted to be! Who? Me!!! But happy me, not holding onto the past, having achievable expectations from others to give the respect I DESERVE and being the best mom I can be! Sounds easy? In my addiction it took ALL of that away, my self worth, my goals, ambitions and values! When I look at that it’s EVERYTHING.. addiction to my piece of mind and that’s a horrible feeling!
So today.... is life perfect? Nope, some of the same problems are still there ex not stepping up, issues with my mom, missing my dead brother struggles with my boy with aspergers... all still there! Are they going to change? Not overnight, in my addiction i wanted everything fixed NOW. Not possible! What do I do? I imagine I have a 6foot by 6 foot patch of grass, this is MY patch, my thoughts, emotions, my children and all things I am responsible for! I water that grass and cut it and feed to help it grow.. that’s ALL I CAN DO! Everything else is out of my control! I attended my meetings and have made some great friends who GET IT!
My partner is back in aa (his choice) and our recovery paths are our own! This has caused a few heated discussions but mainly all okay! If one slips it’s over.. and that’s very real! My home seems happier and my kids more settled.. why? Apart from the obvious I’m not drinking.. it again goes back to behaviors, even when I was with them I wasn’t presant!! That is something that saddens me.. but I have learned that beating myself over this will get me nowhere, and I’m here now, with an open heart and mind! Am I fixed? Most definitely not.. never will be but I will get better.. I’ll continue to be open to change and working on myself and the past issues as hard as they may be! Why? Because I DESERVE IT.. I deserve a good life with my children, I’m a good person and good mom no matter what my addiction has told me!! All the talk in aa of “life beyond your wildest dreams” I thought they were nuts, but my mind is at peace and that to me is it! I can deal with the other s***t life throws, because it will.. but I will handle it to the best of my abilities! Sorry for rambling, I know I’ll probably even struggle to understand some of this when I read it back 😂 I hope everyone is doing okay and keep putting one foot in front of the other because some days that’s all we can do! Xx
“Just when the caterpillar thought its life was over, it became a beautiful butterfly🦋“ xx
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
I have a very hard time reading lengthy compressed paragraphs...hope I got the gist that you are doing well and wanting to share that with us. 95 days is great- keep going! Keep working the program and seeing how things progress as you get further and further into recovery.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 113
Originally Posted by August252015 
I have a very hard time reading lengthy compressed paragraphs...hope I got the gist that you are doing well and wanting to share that with us. 95 days is great- keep going! Keep working the program and seeing how things progress as you get further and further into recovery.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 113
Originally Posted by Rar
Congratulations on 95 days. Spectacular! I like the patch of grass analogy. I can see where it would make life more manageable. I'm glad you're doing better. 
Member
Join Date: Dec 2017
Location: United States
Posts: 2,547
This is so great. Clearly, you've done a deep dive and things are finally clicking! I love your realistic yet optimistic attitude towards your new sobriety, and I really hope it continues far into the future. 
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 113
Originally Posted by PalmerSage
This is so great. Clearly, you've done a deep dive and things are finally clicking! I love your realistic yet optimistic attitude towards your new sobriety, and I really hope it continues far into the future.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
