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Old 06-23-2018, 11:40 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Help with Recovering BF


I'm new and this is my first post. I really need help and advice regarding my bf (well I'm not sure if we're still dating but last week he sent a text "I love you, my beautiful girlfriend). I've never dated anyone in recovery before and it seems I've been making a mess of things so far and find myself not knowing how to de-tach with love, let alone support him in recovery and refrain from being hurt by his distance.

Back-story: I'm 44 and had an awful child hood filled with all types of abuse, my birth parents were alcoholics, addicts, abusive and emotionally unavailable. Thankfully, I was taken in and raised around age 10, by family members. So I've worked through most of my damage and I'm working on my abandonment issues.

In Nov 2017, I met my current boyfriend, he was 2 months into his recovery, his main addiction was smoking cocaine but he also abused clonazepam and drank a lot. I, of course, had immediate reservations about dating an addict recovering, or not, due to my history. However, I also thought it wasn't fair to judge him, he is human and flawed but still worth loving. (He comes from an abusive child hood as well - emotional and physical). We planned to take things so, he was living in a Recovery House.

I became smitten with him and he was telling me he loved me by end of December and calling me his girl friend by New Year's. In April he brought up moving in with me, saying I was best thing to happen to him, and he was having overnights with me an average of twice a week. Sex was not very often and he said it took him time to feel comfortable with me, he was coming off of Citalopram (anti-depressant) and switching to a different RX. I was patient and did my best to lean back, despite him not being very communicative and him needing a "routine" and often needing space.

Still, in April he moved in; 5 months is fast I know. When things were great&he opened up, he was amazing and I felt so connected to him. Well, within two weeks he came home and was honest that he was high. He allowed me to help him throw away what he had left&swore he was back on track. I made it clear I couldn't have that in my life and he assured me it was a one time slip.

By the last week of May/early June we were bickering a lot because he seemed distant, crabby&needing more space/time out with friends he had admitted to getting high or drunk with. He took my questions as interrogating. I was asking questions because things weren't adding up, I'd caught him in lies, and he was drinking and driving drunk. By Monday June 4th, he'd been drunk 5 out of 7 days and I was at my wits end. So we had it out and he moved back to recovery/sober house by end of week.

Before moving back to recovery/sober house, he asked to stay night so he could hold me. I agreed. That night he assured me everything would be okay. That he loved me and we'd still date but take things slower as he continued to work on himself; that he didn't love himself. I agreed with everything he said. That Sunday the 9th, he came over and cooked me dinner but I found out he lied to his housemates, hiding the fact he was with me; he said he wasn't comfortable telling them he was with person who sent him back to house. I was in shock and hurt. I had no idea he blamed me for his relapse. I leaned back and gave space but a few days later he was still texting me that he loved me and I was his girlfriend. However, now he seems distant and wierd, doesn't communicate. Yesterday I found myself blowing up at him about me being left in limbo (I realize it was selfish and wrong). I apologized to him. He says he still loves me. This is torture, I have no blueprint on how to support him through this. This is all new to me. I don't know what to do, I've been flying by seat of my pants, which is only causing him to be more distant. Advice please.
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Old 06-23-2018, 11:56 AM   #2 (permalink)
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That is a very difficult position to be in, so welcome and good for you for posting. First and foremost: his relapse is NOT your fault. If he is choosing to hang around with the same people who use with him, then point blank he is not serious about recovery. People, places, and things are among the first things we need to change, and if he doesn’t want to commit to that, then relapse is very likely.

I know a little bit about those sober houses, and they can be great; they can also be essentially houses full of bitter, “dry drunks” (alcoholics who aren’t drinking but are not truly sober or in recovery).

You can’t police him or guilt him into becoming sober; he has to want it for himself first. You can be supportive by listening when he wants to share and not being judgmental when he struggles (it doesn’t sound like you are judgmental at all though), but other than that he has to work his program among those who have been through this and know how to relate on a different level. He’s an adult and is going to do what he wants to do at the end of the day.

Try going to Alanon meetings! Great support from people who have been where you are and find hope where there was otherwise helplessness. I hope he finds a plan that works for him, and you find some relief :-)
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Old 06-23-2018, 12:04 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Welcome and I'm sorry for your situation.

There is little you can do to help your boyfriend. His sobriety is his alone and I hope that he finds his way.

For you, AlAnon in your area could be a great support. Also we have a Friends & Families forum on this board you might like to check out:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
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Old 06-23-2018, 02:27 PM   #4 (permalink)
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This sounds like the making of a nightmare. I would call it off now and move onto better pastures
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Old 06-23-2018, 02:32 PM   #5 (permalink)
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You really should break things off with him. His head's going to be all over the place for a while. Does his sober house do drink/drug testing?
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Old 06-23-2018, 03:08 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by VigilanceNow View Post
That is a very difficult position to be in, so welcome and good for you for posting. First and foremost: his relapse is NOT your fault. If he is choosing to hang around with the same people who use with him, then point blank he is not serious about recovery. People, places, and things are among the first things we need to change, and if he doesn’t want to commit to that, then relapse is very likely.

I know a little bit about those sober houses, and they can be great; they can also be essentially houses full of bitter, “dry drunks” (alcoholics who aren’t drinking but are not truly sober or in recovery).

You can’t police him or guilt him into becoming sober; he has to want it for himself first. You can be supportive by listening when he wants to share and not being judgmental when he struggles (it doesn’t sound like you are judgmental at all though), but other than that he has to work his program among those who have been through this and know how to relate on a different level. He’s an adult and is going to do what he wants to do at the end of the day.

Try going to Alanon meetings! Great support from people who have been where you are and find hope where there was otherwise helplessness. I hope he finds a plan that works for him, and you find some relief :-)
Thanks so much for your reply, Vigilance now. He responded to my apology to blowing up yesterday, by calling me and telling me to "relax, I'm not going anywhere" "I just need to work on myself and work the program, I love you, you don't need daily reassurance". I still feel in limbo, though as I've never needed daily reassurance. I am doing my best to leave him be and only respond when he reaches out; it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do. For example, today after our talk, he's sent me two songs and some funny memes, along with a meme "I'll take care of me for you and you take care of you for me". I've basically "mirrored" him or not responding if I felt my response would come across as pushing or pressuring. I'm far from judgmental. I know he has work to do but I see his scars and love him for who he is at his core. Today's interaction with him was the most interaction we've had in two weeks; I haven't seen him since that one Sunday two weeks ago.

His recovery/sober house does do tests and he has stepped up to be the treasury and committed to living there a year; which I'm supportive of. I'm just confused by his actions verses his words, I feel I can heal if we part ways now and that if I hold out with false hope (his words tell me he isn't going anywhere etc.) that it will bite me and it will hurt worse later on. I understand that's my abandonment issues at work. So I'm trying not to give up and just be supportive and hope to find better guidance to do that, escpecially as the core reason he's "numbed" his brain with drugs etc. is due to depression/ anxiety.

It doesn't seem Al-non meetings are every day around here...only on Thursdays, which doesn't help me stop messing things up for next few days. Do you suggest any forums or internet pages I can read until then?
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Old 06-23-2018, 03:11 PM   #7 (permalink)
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You really should break things off with him. His head's going to be all over the place for a while. Does his sober house do drink/drug testing?
Yes, his house does testing. Are you thinking there is no hope for us to be together at the end of this?
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Old 06-23-2018, 03:31 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Yes, his house does testing. Are you thinking there is no hope for us to be together at the end of this?
I mean..there's no telling if "it's" going to work out..Your primary focus should be on yourself and YOUR happiness/peace of mind. Look into alanon and also the 'friends and family' section on here. It'd be wise to know exactly what you're up against. You didn't cause it. You can't control it. You can't cure it. This early on in the relastionship my advice is to RUN though. There's plenty of people out there that don't have this 'hang up' him and I have. I'm 18mo sober(minus 1 night),but I was a mental/emotional wreck for about a year. Look after you and let him look after him.
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Old 06-23-2018, 05:10 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Hi and welcome Iris

None of us can tell you what to do but I think ti's good for anyone in your position to think about how you'd cope with years of this kind of 'come here go away' 'will today be good or bad' uncertainty.

It's absolutely not up to you whether your bf stays sober and clean or not, and you're not to blame in any way if he doesn't.

Think about yourself in all of this - think about what you want your life to be like and go from there

you are very welcome to post here - do check out our family and friends forums too
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/#friends-family

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