Iris828

I'm new and this is my first post. I really need help and advice regarding my bf (well I'm not sure if we're still dating but last week he sent a text "I love you, my beautiful girlfriend). I've never dated anyone in recovery before and it seems I've been making a mess of things so far and find myself not knowing how to de-tach with love, let alone support him in recovery and refrain from being hurt by his distance.

Back-story: I'm 44 and had an awful child hood filled with all types of abuse, my birth parents were alcoholics, addicts, abusive and emotionally unavailable. Thankfully, I was taken in and raised around age 10, by family members. So I've worked through most of my damage and I'm working on my abandonment issues.

In Nov 2017, I met my current boyfriend, he was 2 months into his recovery, his main addiction was smoking cocaine but he also abused clonazepam and drank a lot. I, of course, had immediate reservations about dating an addict recovering, or not, due to my history. However, I also thought it wasn't fair to judge him, he is human and flawed but still worth loving. (He comes from an abusive child hood as well - emotional and physical). We planned to take things so, he was living in a Recovery House.

I became smitten with him and he was telling me he loved me by end of December and calling me his girl friend by New Year's. In April he brought up moving in with me, saying I was best thing to happen to him, and he was having overnights with me an average of twice a week. Sex was not very often and he said it took him time to feel comfortable with me, he was coming off of Citalopram (anti-depressant) and switching to a different RX. I was patient and did my best to lean back, despite him not being very communicative and him needing a "routine" and often needing space.

Still, in April he moved in; 5 months is fast I know. When things were great&he opened up, he was amazing and I felt so connected to him. Well, within two weeks he came home and was honest that he was high. He allowed me to help him throw away what he had left&swore he was back on track. I made it clear I couldn't have that in my life and he assured me it was a one time slip.

By the last week of May/early June we were bickering a lot because he seemed distant, crabby&needing more space/time out with friends he had admitted to getting high or drunk with. He took my questions as interrogating. I was asking questions because things weren't adding up, I'd caught him in lies, and he was drinking and driving drunk. By Monday June 4th, he'd been drunk 5 out of 7 days and I was at my wits end. So we had it out and he moved back to recovery/sober house by end of week.

Before moving back to recovery/sober house, he asked to stay night so he could hold me. I agreed. That night he assured me everything would be okay. That he loved me and we'd still date but take things slower as he continued to work on himself; that he didn't love himself. I agreed with everything he said. That Sunday the 9th, he came over and cooked me dinner but I found out he lied to his housemates, hiding the fact he was with me; he said he wasn't comfortable telling them he was with person who sent him back to house. I was in shock and hurt. I had no idea he blamed me for his relapse. I leaned back and gave space but a few days later he was still texting me that he loved me and I was his girlfriend. However, now he seems distant and wierd, doesn't communicate. Yesterday I found myself blowing up at him about me being left in limbo (I realize it was selfish and wrong). I apologized to him. He says he still loves me. This is torture, I have no blueprint on how to support him through this. This is all new to me. I don't know what to do, I've been flying by seat of my pants, which is only causing him to be more distant. Advice please.