Need perspective
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4
Need perspective
My BF and I have been dating for 6 months. He smokes weed daily and I’m not sure if this has to do with his irritatiable behavior. Thing have moved quick as he asked me to be his GF after dating for 1.5 weeks. He said he loved me early but I didn’t say it back until I really felt it. I do love him but over time there are some things that make me curious about his behavior and if it is normal. We spend all most everyday together but we let each other have our space. I have noticed when I don’t see him in Saturday’s he will call a lot through the day or text he will usually convince me to come over. I don’t mind because I love being with him.
One of the examples of strange behavior is two nights ago I was rubbing his leg and I guess he didn’t like the way I did it. I accidentally pinched his skin. He got upset and said it’s like I have no common sense. He said I can be aloof and I accidentally hurt him because I wasn’t paying attention. He went on and when I tried to interject he snapped his fingers at me. After a while of him talking I got upset because of the way he was saying these things they weren’t really kind and I told him that. He then went on to say that I have no confidence in our relationship and that the only way he would break up with me is if I cheated or lied so I need to stop being so worried. He told me I’m too sensitive. I cried and shut down.
he tried to comfort me and was being sweet the next 2-3 days. The fact that he is so sweet after makes me think that this is my fault. There have been other issues like this where he may get upset about things I do like if I forget to turn the 2nd light off in the bathroom or things like that. He tells me he is willing to wait for me to learn how to do better. I feel like yes maybe it is my fault because I’m making mistakes and he gets so upset that I feel horrible for making him mad. I’m not sure if I’m wrong or he is just easy to get upset. I’m very confused and if anyone has advice I would appreciate it. He says all the time he wants to marry me but I want some advice on this. If you need more info let me know.
Thanks
One of the examples of strange behavior is two nights ago I was rubbing his leg and I guess he didn’t like the way I did it. I accidentally pinched his skin. He got upset and said it’s like I have no common sense. He said I can be aloof and I accidentally hurt him because I wasn’t paying attention. He went on and when I tried to interject he snapped his fingers at me. After a while of him talking I got upset because of the way he was saying these things they weren’t really kind and I told him that. He then went on to say that I have no confidence in our relationship and that the only way he would break up with me is if I cheated or lied so I need to stop being so worried. He told me I’m too sensitive. I cried and shut down.
he tried to comfort me and was being sweet the next 2-3 days. The fact that he is so sweet after makes me think that this is my fault. There have been other issues like this where he may get upset about things I do like if I forget to turn the 2nd light off in the bathroom or things like that. He tells me he is willing to wait for me to learn how to do better. I feel like yes maybe it is my fault because I’m making mistakes and he gets so upset that I feel horrible for making him mad. I’m not sure if I’m wrong or he is just easy to get upset. I’m very confused and if anyone has advice I would appreciate it. He says all the time he wants to marry me but I want some advice on this. If you need more info let me know.
Thanks
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Florida., USA
Posts: 3,252
He tells me he is willing to wait for me to learn how to do better
WHAT? I would run away from this guy ----and fast! It sounds like he's a narcissist. He's going to beat you down until you feel worthless. He's already trying. You don't have much time invested in this relationship. My advice (as I said) is to get out of the relationship. I'm sorry you're sad.
Edited to add: Do you want to live your life on pins and needles, unsure of every action you take......wondering if your actions please him enough?
WHAT? I would run away from this guy ----and fast! It sounds like he's a narcissist. He's going to beat you down until you feel worthless. He's already trying. You don't have much time invested in this relationship. My advice (as I said) is to get out of the relationship. I'm sorry you're sad.
Edited to add: Do you want to live your life on pins and needles, unsure of every action you take......wondering if your actions please him enough?
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: New York
Posts: 35,731
He went on and when I tried to interject he snapped his fingers at me.
This is not your fault.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
He tells me he is willing to wait for me to learn how to do better.
but what he could be truly thinking is:
i willing to wait until my hostage knows how important MY WAY is.
I feel horrible for making him mad.
no you are NOT
HE is doing it to himself because HE is acting like a spoiled little brat. things dont go his way and he throws a hissy fit- just like a child would.
He says all the time he wants to marry me but I want some advice on this.
reread what you typed and think about it. everything in 6 months time that has transpired-do you want to be a hostage the rest of your life?
its ONLY been 6 months.
but what he could be truly thinking is:
i willing to wait until my hostage knows how important MY WAY is.
I feel horrible for making him mad.
no you are NOT
HE is doing it to himself because HE is acting like a spoiled little brat. things dont go his way and he throws a hissy fit- just like a child would.
He says all the time he wants to marry me but I want some advice on this.
reread what you typed and think about it. everything in 6 months time that has transpired-do you want to be a hostage the rest of your life?
its ONLY been 6 months.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: New York
Posts: 35,731
I'm sorry, Lovelost, I didn't mean to be so short. My apologies.
The finger snapping triggered me terribly.
You were looking for perspective on your situation. My advice remains the same, but I know it may be difficult for you. I don't think someone that makes you cry this early in a relationship is healthy. I also find his behavior very controlling and emotionally abusive.
The fact that you're questioning yourself or thinking there's something wrong with you, tells me he's already lowering your self-esteem. Any man that truly loves you wouldn't treat you this way. You deserve so much more... I can promise you that.
Please keep posting.
The finger snapping triggered me terribly.
You were looking for perspective on your situation. My advice remains the same, but I know it may be difficult for you. I don't think someone that makes you cry this early in a relationship is healthy. I also find his behavior very controlling and emotionally abusive.
The fact that you're questioning yourself or thinking there's something wrong with you, tells me he's already lowering your self-esteem. Any man that truly loves you wouldn't treat you this way. You deserve so much more... I can promise you that.
Please keep posting.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 604
He should only snap his fingers at his dog.
Not sure if this is your first relationship but you are describing the early stages of being in a domestic abuse situation. First of all, his behavior should not be qualified by your actions (or inactions). The responses he has to you at this early stage of your relationship will escalate. He will lead you to believe that you make him do this or that, your fault, on and on. It will only get worse.
Glad you are on this forum as you wouldn't be here if you weren't sure of your gut thoughts on this. I would follow the advice here and RUN! Get into the resources on Friends and Family and read read read!
At the very least take time off from this relationship. Don't "hook up" or "hang out" until you get some clarity of what an abusive relationship and inner dynamics looks like. They are insidious, will sneak up on you and before you know it your life will really be crazy.
in·sid·i·ous
inˈsidēəs/Submit
adjective
proceeding in a gradual, subtle way, but with harmful effects.
"sexually transmitted diseases can be insidious and sometimes without symptoms"
synonyms: stealthy, subtle, surreptitious, cunning, crafty, treacherous, artful, sly, wily, shifty, underhanded, indirect; informalsneaky
"the insidious bond between big money and political decisions"
treacherous; crafty.
Not sure if this is your first relationship but you are describing the early stages of being in a domestic abuse situation. First of all, his behavior should not be qualified by your actions (or inactions). The responses he has to you at this early stage of your relationship will escalate. He will lead you to believe that you make him do this or that, your fault, on and on. It will only get worse.
Glad you are on this forum as you wouldn't be here if you weren't sure of your gut thoughts on this. I would follow the advice here and RUN! Get into the resources on Friends and Family and read read read!
At the very least take time off from this relationship. Don't "hook up" or "hang out" until you get some clarity of what an abusive relationship and inner dynamics looks like. They are insidious, will sneak up on you and before you know it your life will really be crazy.
in·sid·i·ous
inˈsidēəs/Submit
adjective
proceeding in a gradual, subtle way, but with harmful effects.
"sexually transmitted diseases can be insidious and sometimes without symptoms"
synonyms: stealthy, subtle, surreptitious, cunning, crafty, treacherous, artful, sly, wily, shifty, underhanded, indirect; informalsneaky
"the insidious bond between big money and political decisions"
treacherous; crafty.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 81
Agree with all my fellow posters you need to get away from him quick. His behaviour is appalling and no one should make you feel so low. He’s a control freak and it will only get worse. I agree that you could be in danger if you allow this person into your future. Run and stay safe x
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Join Date: May 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 104
Lovelost,
Having grown up around domestic violence and having worked with DV survivors, I agree with all of the other posters here.
Please listen to that voice inside that led you here. That voice is the part of you that loves and cares for you. It’s telling you to not deny or minimize. It knows that his behavior is not normal/healthy and that you deserve better.
I hope you choose to follow that voice and all of the wise advice here. If you need more, I would suggest googling "grooming" in abusive relationships. The situations you describe have many of the telltale signs of the grooming behaviors that abusers use- using charm to manipulate, expressing undying love early in the relationship, pushing you to fall in love quickly, creating emotional debts, telling you that you are wrong for feeling your feelings, etc.
Everytime you give in, bend to his will and blame yourself, he is taking note and keeping score. It gives him the encouragement that he needs to go further the next time until any connection that you have to your own inner wisdom, self-worth, self-respect and self-love is completely severed.
What you are describing is not a healthy relationship based on mutual respect, trust and love. You deserve so much better. I think you already know this. If you don't, then please trust that small wise voice inside you for now, leave the relationship and begin doing the work to find that love for yourself. I am no expert in relationships, but I do believe that we can't find real love in relationships until we love ourselves first.
I am sending you a big hug in the meantime.
Having grown up around domestic violence and having worked with DV survivors, I agree with all of the other posters here.
Please listen to that voice inside that led you here. That voice is the part of you that loves and cares for you. It’s telling you to not deny or minimize. It knows that his behavior is not normal/healthy and that you deserve better.
I hope you choose to follow that voice and all of the wise advice here. If you need more, I would suggest googling "grooming" in abusive relationships. The situations you describe have many of the telltale signs of the grooming behaviors that abusers use- using charm to manipulate, expressing undying love early in the relationship, pushing you to fall in love quickly, creating emotional debts, telling you that you are wrong for feeling your feelings, etc.
Everytime you give in, bend to his will and blame yourself, he is taking note and keeping score. It gives him the encouragement that he needs to go further the next time until any connection that you have to your own inner wisdom, self-worth, self-respect and self-love is completely severed.
What you are describing is not a healthy relationship based on mutual respect, trust and love. You deserve so much better. I think you already know this. If you don't, then please trust that small wise voice inside you for now, leave the relationship and begin doing the work to find that love for yourself. I am no expert in relationships, but I do believe that we can't find real love in relationships until we love ourselves first.
I am sending you a big hug in the meantime.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 274
I have destroyed all my relationships by drinking. Nobody wants to live with an addict. You should not either; sounds like he is very abusive, That is not healthy for you! There is something called codependent you might want to look that up.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 274
Ps
I had a stoner boyfriend a few years ago and I had to kick him out. A loser and a user. Very controlling too. I don't need a relationship now as I am focusing on my recovery but one thing is for sure, I will never date an addict. That's a roller coaster ride and a recipe for disaster.
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