2muchpain

I just don't think you have a real reason to quit. You seem to be living a very comfortable life. I think you come here for attention and for people to feel sorry for you, but there is nothing to feel sorry about. There are many people here and at the AA meetings I have gone to that have serious problems. You are by far much better off then these people yet you come across as a person that has nothing to live for. I've been there man. Had a family, nice house, great job. Unfortunately I was so self-centered and focused on getting attention, I never realized what I had. Lucky for me things are much better now, but it took a lot of hard work, getting support and growing up to get there. I no longer feel sorry for myself or blame life for my problems. You have control over your life, not your ex or anybody else. You can keep posting here on how miserable you are and how life isn't fair, but those are just excuses to not grow up and take responsibility for your life. John

Stew1984

I’m a whinger. That is really obvious. I’m not after sympathy. I post because I know this poison is the one main issue. I’ll get to work. I’ll go away and fight this. I’m just talking here. I’m going to go away and work. Best for me to get my mindset right and then come back. I have all the advice, more than anyone else. No need for me to enquire any more. Resources are there. Relationship talk cheap- everyone deals with that nonsense I’m not special. The beer made me weak. Harsher reality coming my way in years to come

I’ll go away and get myself straight

2muchpain

BTW, I have a son I haven't seen in a very long time. There were many reasons for this, but the main reason was that I was so self-absorbed and focused on my needs including my drinking. My son needed a father and didn't get one. You have a daughter that needs you now. John

ScottFromWI

Re-read what you just wrote Stew. Are you just talking? If so "going away" won't work. You've been told that more times than I can count too.

John hit the nail on the head I think - you've actually got a pretty comfortable life. Your parents let you live there and you get to see your daughter from time to time. You have a job and a very flexible employer, you've posted in the past about how willing they are to adjust for you to take time off to deal with your addiction and mental health issues, you are even eligible for a promotion despite all the problems you've caused over the past years with your drinking - imagine how lucky others would feel to be in your position.

Bottom line, you don't really have a motivation to quit - do you? You have unlimited support here, your parents apparently also don't seem to mind that your bedroom is filled with beer cans all the time, etc.

What would it take for you to stop drinking? Losing custody of your daughter? Losing your Job? Your parents kicking you out? Think about that for a while. Or maybe would being a good father and not throwing your life away got a beer can do it?

Dean1978

No one is asking you to go away, people here are on your side and want you to succeed. The (drunk) threads which go around in circles achieve very little. Put a plan in place and focus all your energy into it, do it for your daughter. I wish you well

Verdantia

'.... the girl I'm with can be sure I'll love her and take care of her as much as I possibly can....'
I don't think so, Stewy--at least not while you are drinking. Alcohol wants you all to itself, and there's not a lot of love and care to go around for anyone else. Maybe things have to get worse for you to really get help; I pray that they do not.

lessgravity

How old is your son?

Stew1984

I just want to be absolutely clear here.

I have seen my daughter consistently- 3 times a week for the past 8 years- I have attended all school events and paid for her attendance in all of her after school clubs. I have prioritised my daughter over a relationship and in some cases my own social life. My daughter is very happy and knows who her dad is.

The separate issue is the fact I’m living a lie by drinking. It’s a private issue.

What exactly do I do here? Not post and get hassle for not posting? Or post and get hassle for posting?

There has to be an option surely

lessgravity

You're not being hassled, you're being responded to honestly.

Forward12

Post when you come back from an AA meeting to let us know how it went, that you have scheduled to enter rehab,..
If you don't want to quit, perhaps come back when you are ready, or just read and learn from others.

Carlotta

^^^
That.
Like many others here, I ve lost loved ones to addiction. My dad was an alcoholic and died at 40, my XABF could not stop drinking and committed suicide, I have an old friend MIA in crackland. Myself, I quit in time but almost got swallowed by alcoholism.
I would be an hypocrite if I gave you a pat on the head and told you self destruction is ok or if I went the "poor Stewy" route.

Anyway, you know what to do. It s up to you.

turniptheheat

When are you going to do this? You talk a lot about doing it, but need to commit to action.

It's easy to say, "I'll get sober....TOMORROW". Next thing you know, it's 2 years later.

tomsteve

. I’ve been to meetings

going to meetings and not drinking does NOT treat alcoholism.

Anyway, wanted to post, don’t have the solutions right now. One that comes up for me is stop- or die

stewy, you are 100% wrong on this. you DO have solutions.HUNDREDS of people have given HUNDREDS of suggestions.
what you have is an extreme case of self will run riot- its stewys way or now way. stewys way WILL lead to death- a straight up fact.


I don’t know where to start with all of this but I know I need to

you have NEEDED to start a LONG time ago but you havent WANTED to and havent been WILLING to go to ANY lengths for victory over alcohol.

you have solutiuons, stewy. you have to WANT them.
then be WILLING to DO them.

Stew1984

Dude I know, I just have to fight. Big time

Stew1984

Just wanted to say not belittling anyone else’s story either. Have ultimate respect for everyone here.

tomsteve

there IS an option- change your actions,work on recovery,when you are struggling post here and take the suggestions that are given and USE them.
instead of "i cant do it"
just do it.

digdug

Here's the thing, Stewy. Alcoholism is never a private issue. It affects every single relationship in your life, whether we can see it or not. Contrary thinking is delusional.

Do you know why you get so much feedback here? It's because almost all of us have been the EXACT SAME situation. People are merely just offering what worked for them.

We've tried all the things you've mentioned in recent posts:
- leaning on family for support, even though they have no experience with recovery
- Promising ourselves each day we wouldn't drink
- trying to distract ourselves with work or other activities that have nothing to do with recovery
- going away and trying to fix it ourselves

But it just wasn't enough.

So I'm going to make this explicitly straight-forward:

Step 1 - go to an AA meeting, raise your hand and ask for help
Step 2 - do Step 1 every day for 90 days
Step 3 - get a sponsor within those 90 days and get into step work
Step 4 - get an addiction counselor and see them at least once a week
Step 5 - if the above still isn't working even after putting in 100% effort (college tries won't work here), get yourself into an inpatient rehab for at least 30 days.

That's it. That's all you have to do. For me, I went straight to step 5 and then did 1-4. I was in such a bad cycle that that's what I needed to get and stay sober.

Another reason why you get some many responses is because we know where this will all end up. That's because many of us had to face the consequences of our actions, or lack there of.

Like you, I thought I had it all together, except for the drinking. Everything else was great or a private matter. It was just the drinking and the lies that accompanied it. I drank alone, secretly too.

But here's the rub - it will all come crashing down. For some it's gradual. We lose the job; our kids know more than we think and finally say something about it; our families stop enabling us.

But for others, myself included, the crash is almost instantaneous. Everything can be destroyed in a few days, hours or minutes. I went from living in a luxury apartment, working a high-paying professional job, and having a great girlfriend, to being in the ICU in a coma, dumped by my girlfriend and my job hanging in the balance in ONE day. Let me tell you - when I woke up from that coma, I was begging the doctors, nurses and social workers to go to rehab.

No one here wants to see this happen to you. But we're all just sitting behind our computers or phones. Not much we can do for you except to keep telling you what works and hoping you take some real action.

I outlined a plan of action above. Do it and post here. Then continue to do it and post here some more.

Stew1984

I am not deserving of this support. I’m going to vanish, best thing to do. Posting is just words. Scared of reality, I’m scared. Of the future. I KNOW that poison is the root cause. I’m a good dad. I’m a good kind person. I’ll be back one day

Change4good

Here's the thing Stew, your alcoholism is NOT a separate issue or a "private" issue from your relationship with you daughter. You say she is happy, but I would bet my next pay check that she is being enormously affected if not now, then later, by your drinking. As an adult child of alcoholics, I know this.

I hope you hear this not as a criticism, but an observation in your case. Addiction turns us into very selfish people, and I see that in so much of your behavior. And so you know, I was one of the most selfish, self-absorbed people you can imagine when I was not working on recovery. And the thing about being self-absorbed is that you can't see the impact your actions have on others. But WE can see it.

Your selfishness also shows in your interactions with people here. Many of us are/have been there for you. That won't change. But you need to realize that people devote energy, written words, and suggestions. Respect that.

I don't want you to go away. I believe in you, and know that you can get to the other side if you want to. I am not sure you want it yet. As others have said, we aren't going anywhere, and when you are ready, you will get continued heaps of support. Just understand that we can't do it for you. YOU have to take the necessary steps.

Sobriety is there, waiting for you. It is not elusive or impossible. Quite the opposite. Simple, but not easy.

Normally I tell people to be gentle with themselves when they begin the process of recovery. I am telling you the exact opposite. Stop wallowing, stop blaming, stop reaching out if you aren't willing to do the work.

There, that is about as tough love as I get. I am and will always be here for you, but my sentiments will not change.

Ladysadie

Stew, believe it or not, calling you out on your own BS is actually healthy, usually parents do this with their children when they are young so that they grow up to be, well, hopefully they grow into adults who know boundaries and respect, who can navigate in the big world and remain relatively safe (having hopefully suffered the consequences of their immaturity). Lots of addicts lack the ability to self moderate, having never learned or don't care about consequences. You are a smart guy, you already call your own self out on what you need to do but have been falling back into your own abuse of alcohol. You are the only one who can stop being so self destructive.

Many people have been pulling for you, wanting you to get on board with your plan of action (since we all know talkin aint doin, for many of us). You've poured your heart out on this forum. We'd really like to see good things happening for you because we care or we wouldn't bother to write. Think about sticking around. We all hope for the best for you. None of us know who you really are, there is power in anonymity. Use it for your own discretion as a tool, check in. We'd like to know how you're doing.