Scramm

Heading into two weeks and finding my stride. Actually feeling quite good even though I'm still kind of foggy. My wife the closet drinker is on vodka tonight but of course she'll never let us see her drink it. Wtf!!!??? So angry right now. It never ends with her

Anna

Good job on two weeks of sobriety!

Just try to keep the focus on your recovery and your wife may follow your example.

resolute50

Yeah, I was one of those closet vodka drinkers for a while.
Just keep on keeping on with your sobriety. Perhaps your wife will see how much better you are feeling and it will rub off.

Scramm

No offense but I find the act of hiding your drinking like that to be the ultimate in problem drinking. It shows that a) you know those around you don't approve and b) you don't give a **** because your drunk is more important than anyone else. Im sorry but I don't get how someone does this and thinks they are actually fooling those they live with. True addict behavior

Scramm

And again...I mean no offense. I've done plenty of **** drunk that I still cringe at thinking about it. This I just can't understand

Scramm

Thanks. I am hopeful of that but am afraid of the alternative

least

Two weeks sober is great! Remember to focus on what you can control - yourself.

FreedomCA

I empathize with your situation but still try and avoid making judgments about her alcoholic behaviors, especially since I’m just as sure other alcoholics may have a difficult time understanding your past drunken behaviors. Stick to how her behaviors are affecting you and making you feel. This seems like an ominous situation for you until she gets help. My alcoholic spouse did the same thing when I was trying to get sober until we decided to divorce. He now is in inpatient rehab and wanting to cancel the divorce.

Scramm

Thanks for sharing that. I hope we don't have to go down that road

FreedomCA

I hope you don’t either, but I will admit rehab has helped him. We just have to see if it is temporary or longer lasting.

BreezyFe

I can only add that I was a closet vodka drinker. My hubby knew. I did this because of the stigma of being a female alcoholic. It is more frowned upon than a male alcoholic. And to be a mom on top of that. I would go upstairs, have a sip & come down and do my "wifey/mommy" duties. Trust me, there was a lot of guilt.

Think of yourself. Your sobriety is yours. Let her be. Like FreedomCA mentioned, don't make quick judgments just yet. Best to you.

newlyaddicted

I never hid drinks from my partner, he had to hide them from me! He would measure out reasonable quantities for me and hide the rest to help me drink a controlled amount. Then again, I would be absolutely mortified if other people knew, like his family, my friends or anyone I work with. So I would have certainly hid any evidence if anyone were to have come over to our place. No one knows except my partner and my mother. And I would never ever tell anyone else. So in that sense, I understand the shame involved. Just don't get hiding it from people you're close to, because surely they would know everything about you?
I imagine having children would complicate things though because you wouldn't want to expose them to that...

Dee74

I hid my drinking too - at least for the first 10 years.

I wasn't aiming it at anyone in particular, I was just ashamed and embarrassed - and not wanting to quit drinking.

For me it wasn't the worst thing I could do or the worst things got.
I think I went up a level alcoholically when I stopped hiding my drinking but maybe thats just me.

I get you're angry but I' m not exactly sure why - does this remind yourself of your own past, or are you angry at the lack of support?

are you disgusted or, and I mean no offence with this, maybe a little envious?

I'm just trying to understand from my own experience Scramm.

D

Berrybean

At school the kids who realky make me mad are the ones who are most like I remember being. None of us like to reminded of our own faults.

But the important thing to remember is that none of us get better by focussing on someone else's problems. In AA we are reminded to keep our own side of the street clean, and reminded that is we do so, the other stuff sorts itself out. Or doesn't. Nurturing resentments (justified as they may seem) is massively detrimental to recovery. Sure, we are entitled to them. But they are like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

Congrats on two weeks. What are you doing for your own recovery?

BB

DontRemember

I never hid my drinking on the personal level and sometimes professional...that's how much I did not care about anyone. If they didn't like it..tuff sh*t! When getting sober I'd still meet up with my now ex and watch the 'change' with each drink and or shot she had..it became too much for me to stomach being a witness/victim of anymore...so I ended it. She's still going 200+MPH with her addictions and I'm, I guess around 1.5yrs sober give/take..peaceful and happy...no more drama/nonsense. That's me.

DontRemember

Some great questions posed above...if she were openly drinking would you still be mad? In early days/months I'd catch myself 'judging' strangers buying beer at 7:30am...they could have just been getting off the graveyard shift for all I know and be 'normal drinkers',but I was judging nonetheless ...stay in your lane and be the best YOU...the rest will unfold in time and you'll be better off sober to handle whatever and/or nothing..

Scramm

I am upset because I feel I can't trust her. It would be the same feeling if she lied to me about something else. I am definitely not jealous. I am not drinking because I do not wish to

Scramm

I can relate to that sentiment. It's very difficult to witness it and n a near daily basis. To watch the woman you love destroy her body and mind is absolutely heart wrenching

Scramm

She does openly drink wine and beer which,while I wish she wouldn't, doesn't turn her into Mr.Hyde. Vodka does not agree with her and no matter how many times I've discussed this with her she still keeps it. It's sad to see how intoxicated it gets her. She is like a different person.

Scramm

Thanks. I'm here and on another forum. Watching numerous videos and podcasts to try to wrap my head around the process. Trying to figure out my best plan