Drunk Spouse
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Thanks for explaining.
It's difficult to claim the moral high ground when you were a drinker just a few weeks ago.
BI say that because I myself have been there, done that.
What seemed like a lifetime ago for me was only a few weeks for others.
However justified your anger feels,or however emotionally wrenching the situation is for you, I urge you to keep the focus on your recovery.
Its not about cutting your wife loose or leaving her behind - it's about reminding ourselves that our recovery rests with us.
We are the only ones who can get us sober.
I hope, in time, your wife will decide to join you in recovery.
D
It's difficult to claim the moral high ground when you were a drinker just a few weeks ago.
BI say that because I myself have been there, done that.
What seemed like a lifetime ago for me was only a few weeks for others.
However justified your anger feels,or however emotionally wrenching the situation is for you, I urge you to keep the focus on your recovery.
Its not about cutting your wife loose or leaving her behind - it's about reminding ourselves that our recovery rests with us.
We are the only ones who can get us sober.
I hope, in time, your wife will decide to join you in recovery.
D
Remember to focus on what you can control - yourself.Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 122
Originally Posted by Dee74 
Thanks for explaining.
It's difficult to claim the moral high ground when you were a drinker just a few weeks ago.
BI say that because I myself have been there, done that.
What seemed like a lifetime ago for me was only a few weeks for others.
However justified your anger feels,or however emotionally wrenching the situation is for you, I urge you to keep the focus on your recovery.
Its not about cutting your wife loose or leaving her behind - it's about reminding ourselves that our recovery rests with us.
We are the only ones who can get us sober.
I hope, in time, your wife will decide to join you in recovery.
D
It's difficult to claim the moral high ground when you were a drinker just a few weeks ago.
BI say that because I myself have been there, done that.
What seemed like a lifetime ago for me was only a few weeks for others.
However justified your anger feels,or however emotionally wrenching the situation is for you, I urge you to keep the focus on your recovery.
Its not about cutting your wife loose or leaving her behind - it's about reminding ourselves that our recovery rests with us.
We are the only ones who can get us sober.
I hope, in time, your wife will decide to join you in recovery.
D
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 604
From following your threads here, processing your new-found sobriety is awesome but it sounds like you're being a little hard on your wife. These are personal steps we have to take and it may be justified (or not) to have your resentments. If you were my husband, I would hope that you would be able to talk to me about "us", getting sober, coming on board with a more healthy way of life.
You are to be commended for your results. I hope you give her a chance to make those healthy choices.
You are to be commended for your results. I hope you give her a chance to make those healthy choices.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Originally Posted by Scramm
Thanks. I'm here and on another forum. Watching numerous videos and podcasts to try to wrap my head around the process. Trying to figure out my best plan
The wisdom of the rooms of AA saved our relationship I think. I could never have coped with him still hitting it hard every weekend without the fellowship there, and the support from this forum.
Anyway - this thread has some good links and ideas on it... https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...y-plans-1.html (Psst...wanna know why I'm always recommending recovery plans?)
At some point though it's just gotta be a case of giving something a go I guess. Do you know which are most readily available in your area?
BB
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 122
Originally Posted by Ladysadie
From following your threads here, processing your new-found sobriety is awesome but it sounds like you're being a little hard on your wife. These are personal steps we have to take and it may be justified (or not) to have your resentments. If you were my husband, I would hope that you would be able to talk to me about "us", getting sober, coming on board with a more healthy way of life.
You are to be commended for your results. I hope you give her a chance to make those healthy choices.
You are to be commended for your results. I hope you give her a chance to make those healthy choices.
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 122
Originally Posted by Berrybean
There are some great threads here about making a plan for recovery. I found AA helpful to me as it meant that I had numerous meetings I could go to and meet up with others on the same path as me, and get away from my own still-drinking partner or the empty house which was difficult to be in alone while still rattley. Four years on my partner has recently decided to cut down his own drinking for health reasons (repeatedly falling over in public is bad umkay lol)
The wisdom of the rooms of AA saved our relationship I think. I could never have coped with him still hitting it hard every weekend without the fellowship there, and the support from this forum.
Anyway - this thread has some good links and ideas on it... https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...y-plans-1.html (Psst...wanna know why I'm always recommending recovery plans?)
At some point though it's just gotta be a case of giving something a go I guess. Do you know which are most readily available in your area?
BB
The wisdom of the rooms of AA saved our relationship I think. I could never have coped with him still hitting it hard every weekend without the fellowship there, and the support from this forum.
Anyway - this thread has some good links and ideas on it... https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...y-plans-1.html (Psst...wanna know why I'm always recommending recovery plans?)
At some point though it's just gotta be a case of giving something a go I guess. Do you know which are most readily available in your area?
BB
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Connecticut
Posts: 132
Originally Posted by Scramm
Vodka does not agree with her and no matter how many times I've discussed this with her she still keeps it. It's sad to see how intoxicated it gets her. She is like a different person.
But like I mentioned before, stay focused on yourself. Congrats on 2 weeks and be proud of yourself.
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Join Date: Mar 2018
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Originally Posted by BreezyFe
It's very weird to read this from someone who is trying to beat the same alcoholic demon because you sound just like my "normal drinking" hubby. I have tears in my eyes because what you just mentioned above what my hubby has said to me over the yrs. My hubby's nickname for me was Vodka Queen when I was in one of those stupors...not a proud crown to wear.
But like I mentioned before, stay focused on yourself. Congrats on 2 weeks and be proud of yourself.
But like I mentioned before, stay focused on yourself. Congrats on 2 weeks and be proud of yourself.
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
Originally Posted by Scramm
. If I had I'd hope that those around me would slap.some sense into me
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Originally Posted by DontRemember
That's not their place to do so. I had family,friends and business partners who voiced their concern about my drinking behavior when I was 'on one',but I didn't care what they thought at the time. I'm still rebuilding some of those relationships.. I was "OUT THERE!" for a few years and really amped it up about 3yrs ago..I'm over 16mo(?) with one drunken night in there and reevaluated EVERYTHING in my life! Other's...they can do as they choose to do and if it has a negative impact on me, I change my direction with that person,place,thing.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Originally Posted by Scramm
Thanks. I'm not a normal drinker by any stretch that's for sure. I've also never vomitted myself while driving home or fallen and split my head open. If I had I'd hope that those around me would slap.some sense into me
It's probably worth you reading round on the Friends and Family forum at the moment as well as here.
It strikes me that you have just over 2 weeks sober and have focussed a whole thread on someone else's drinking and building on your resentments. Of course, it's up to you what you do, but I remember doing the same thing and it made me stay sick for quite a while. I was sober, but I was angry and filling my head with hateful thoughts that made me feel bad. I didn't get sober so I could carry on feeling bad. At some point I just had to accept that, much as many of us would like to, we cannot stop someone else drinking if that's what they choose. I also had to learn how to adjust my perspective so I could find some peace with life as it was, rather than how I thought it should be. If it's getting to the point where you are thinking along the lines of slapping her then I suspect that working on your recovery needs to be thought about with some urgency.
Restless, irritable and discontent are the general symptoms of untreated alcoholism. We used to self medicate it using booze to get some relief. When the booze goes we need to find another way of treating our alcoholism, and most folk here choose the holistic route, hence the talk of recovery plans. Some go to the doctor and get prescribed medication - (Not something I wanted for myself, but each to their own). Untreated alcoholism is no excuse for acting out with abusive words, threats or actions, no more than active alcoholism would be. We are responsible for ourselves. What we say and what we do. Please, if you find yourself tempted to treat your drunk wife in an abusive way (words or actions) please do remove yourself from the situation. Long cool shower, or a long walk or run perhaps. Anger and resentment are dangerous to recovery. You can choose not to Velcro yourself to them.
Our job is OUR OWN RECOVERY. Your wife's alcoholism can onky be addressed by her. Maybe not what you want to hear, but its the truth of it.
BB
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Originally Posted by Berrybean
Scramm, the only way you could stop was because you wanted to. Me too, and same for everyone here. And I really hope (and presume that) you aren't using the word slap in any specific sense. Violence helps NOTHING. She would just add 'violent husband' to her AVs armoury of rationalisations to drink.
It's probably worth you reading round on the Friends and Family forum at the moment as well as here.
It strikes me that you have just over 2 weeks sober and have focussed a whole thread on someone else's drinking and building on your resentments. Of course, it's up to you what you do, but I remember doing the same thing and it made me stay sick for quite a while. I was sober, but I was angry and filling my head with hateful thoughts that made me feel bad. I didn't get sober so I could carry on feeling bad. At some point I just had to accept that, much as many of us would like to, we cannot stop someone else drinking if that's what they choose. I also had to learn how to adjust my perspective so I could find some peace with life as it was, rather than how I thought it should be. If it's getting to the point where you are thinking along the lines of slapping her then I suspect that working on your recovery needs to be thought about with some urgency.
Restless, irritable and discontent are the general symptoms of untreated alcoholism. We used to self medicate it using booze to get some relief. When the booze goes we need to find another way of treating our alcoholism, and most folk here choose the holistic route, hence the talk of recovery plans. Some go to the doctor and get prescribed medication - (Not something I wanted for myself, but each to their own). Untreated alcoholism is no excuse for acting out with abusive words, threats or actions, no more than active alcoholism would be. We are responsible for ourselves. What we say and what we do. Please, if you find yourself tempted to treat your drunk wife in an abusive way (words or actions) please do remove yourself from the situation. Long cool shower, or a long walk or run perhaps. Anger and resentment are dangerous to recovery. You can choose not to Velcro yourself to them.
Our job is OUR OWN RECOVERY. Your wife's alcoholism can onky be addressed by her. Maybe not what you want to hear, but its the truth of it.
BB
It's probably worth you reading round on the Friends and Family forum at the moment as well as here.
It strikes me that you have just over 2 weeks sober and have focussed a whole thread on someone else's drinking and building on your resentments. Of course, it's up to you what you do, but I remember doing the same thing and it made me stay sick for quite a while. I was sober, but I was angry and filling my head with hateful thoughts that made me feel bad. I didn't get sober so I could carry on feeling bad. At some point I just had to accept that, much as many of us would like to, we cannot stop someone else drinking if that's what they choose. I also had to learn how to adjust my perspective so I could find some peace with life as it was, rather than how I thought it should be. If it's getting to the point where you are thinking along the lines of slapping her then I suspect that working on your recovery needs to be thought about with some urgency.
Restless, irritable and discontent are the general symptoms of untreated alcoholism. We used to self medicate it using booze to get some relief. When the booze goes we need to find another way of treating our alcoholism, and most folk here choose the holistic route, hence the talk of recovery plans. Some go to the doctor and get prescribed medication - (Not something I wanted for myself, but each to their own). Untreated alcoholism is no excuse for acting out with abusive words, threats or actions, no more than active alcoholism would be. We are responsible for ourselves. What we say and what we do. Please, if you find yourself tempted to treat your drunk wife in an abusive way (words or actions) please do remove yourself from the situation. Long cool shower, or a long walk or run perhaps. Anger and resentment are dangerous to recovery. You can choose not to Velcro yourself to them.
Our job is OUR OWN RECOVERY. Your wife's alcoholism can onky be addressed by her. Maybe not what you want to hear, but its the truth of it.
BB
You are not the first person to point out that I am only two weeks in and should not be focusing on anyone but me. I started the post at a time when I was hurt and frustrated with what has been an ongoing issue in my home for several years now. I am grateful for everyone's responses and am lucky to be a part of this forum where people share their hard earned wisdom. As my wife jeopardizes her safety she also erodes my desire to stay in the relationship. I have been with her half my life and couldn't imagine a life without her until just recently. I accept that I did not cause her drinking and I certainly cannot control it but I also cannot sit by and watch our life together fizzle out.
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Originally Posted by Scramm
She does openly drink wine and beer which,while I wish she wouldn't, doesn't turn her into Mr.Hyde. Vodka does not agree with her and no matter how many times I've discussed this with her she still keeps it. It's sad to see how intoxicated it gets her. She is like a different person.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
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Speaking from the F&F side, I get your frustration, anger, disappointment, and lack of patience. Some of us have spent years, thousands of dollars, and cried plenty of tears over the drunken behavior of people we love. We get to a point where we don't like who we have become.
In my experience and what I have read on SR over the years, "slapping some sense" into someone doesn't typically work. Did someone "slap some sense" into you, or did you decide you were done on your own?
It is interesting to hear someone new to sobriety speak in such a way. Occasionally, we have been chastised by someone new to sobriety for not being supportive enough of their recovery efforts--even when we are not their family members.
I don't believe I can provide you with any pearls of wisdom when it comes to speaking to your wife. Perhaps before making any decision about your marriage, you could allow yourself 6 to 12 months of sobriety? Then, if you still have resentment toward your wife, if she is still drinking, you may have some thinking and deciding to do. It is not fair to her to be on the constant receiving end of your resentments, and it is not fair to you to constantly be disappointed and angry.
In my experience and what I have read on SR over the years, "slapping some sense" into someone doesn't typically work. Did someone "slap some sense" into you, or did you decide you were done on your own?
It is interesting to hear someone new to sobriety speak in such a way. Occasionally, we have been chastised by someone new to sobriety for not being supportive enough of their recovery efforts--even when we are not their family members.
I don't believe I can provide you with any pearls of wisdom when it comes to speaking to your wife. Perhaps before making any decision about your marriage, you could allow yourself 6 to 12 months of sobriety? Then, if you still have resentment toward your wife, if she is still drinking, you may have some thinking and deciding to do. It is not fair to her to be on the constant receiving end of your resentments, and it is not fair to you to constantly be disappointed and angry.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
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Scramm I think I can relate to what you are saying. I am both an alcoholic and have an alcoholic partner. In my attempt to remain sober, I seriously think I am better off being alone than with my partner. I take better care of myself, I exercise, I eat more healthy.
My partner has been going through chemo and radiation for a brain tumor (brain cancer) and instead of taking the Dr's advice of making better choices, he's been choosing the bottle more and more. It's disgusting to watch him ping pong through the house trying to get stable on his feet as he wanders to the bathroom. He has often been so drunk he's peed on the floor in the bedroom. He has a bad habit of walking outside to pee off the deck (we don't have neighbors). It's heartbreaking to watch him sliding downhill health wise and I sometimes think he needs to go live his life as a drunk if that's what he wants.
Every day I (we) make a conscious choice to start drinking. After the first few, there is no "choice" as you know, it's all downhill from that first drink. Some days my partner will state he's not going to drink anymore, only to fall back into the same old habits. I get exhausted explaining why I don't wish to live this way. It's a very passive aggressive way he inserts his will above my desire to live my life. I think part of what he's dealing with is fear but he won't get help and I don't want to be his therapist. I can only take care of myself and there are days that I struggle with that.
My partner and I go back a long way and I would miss him if he was gone. But living sober feels like a new life has been given to me and I really want to get out in the world and enjoy but it feels more like I am living with a toddler who keeps wandering out of the room. Exhausting.
My partner has been going through chemo and radiation for a brain tumor (brain cancer) and instead of taking the Dr's advice of making better choices, he's been choosing the bottle more and more. It's disgusting to watch him ping pong through the house trying to get stable on his feet as he wanders to the bathroom. He has often been so drunk he's peed on the floor in the bedroom. He has a bad habit of walking outside to pee off the deck (we don't have neighbors). It's heartbreaking to watch him sliding downhill health wise and I sometimes think he needs to go live his life as a drunk if that's what he wants.
Every day I (we) make a conscious choice to start drinking. After the first few, there is no "choice" as you know, it's all downhill from that first drink. Some days my partner will state he's not going to drink anymore, only to fall back into the same old habits. I get exhausted explaining why I don't wish to live this way. It's a very passive aggressive way he inserts his will above my desire to live my life. I think part of what he's dealing with is fear but he won't get help and I don't want to be his therapist. I can only take care of myself and there are days that I struggle with that.
My partner and I go back a long way and I would miss him if he was gone. But living sober feels like a new life has been given to me and I really want to get out in the world and enjoy but it feels more like I am living with a toddler who keeps wandering out of the room. Exhausting.
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Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 47
Originally Posted by Scramm
Thanks for the thoughtful response. I am absolutely speaking figuratively when I used the word "slap". I am not a violent person. I prefer to keep my anger inside and let it kill me, instead! 😉
You are not the first person to point out that I am only two weeks in and should not be focusing on anyone but me. I started the post at a time when I was hurt and frustrated with what has been an ongoing issue in my home for several years now. I am grateful for everyone's responses and am lucky to be a part of this forum where people share their hard earned wisdom. As my wife jeopardizes her safety she also erodes my desire to stay in the relationship. I have been with her half my life and couldn't imagine a life without her until just recently. I accept that I did not cause her drinking and I certainly cannot control it but I also cannot sit by and watch our life together fizzle out.
You are not the first person to point out that I am only two weeks in and should not be focusing on anyone but me. I started the post at a time when I was hurt and frustrated with what has been an ongoing issue in my home for several years now. I am grateful for everyone's responses and am lucky to be a part of this forum where people share their hard earned wisdom. As my wife jeopardizes her safety she also erodes my desire to stay in the relationship. I have been with her half my life and couldn't imagine a life without her until just recently. I accept that I did not cause her drinking and I certainly cannot control it but I also cannot sit by and watch our life together fizzle out.
Not saying thats whats going on with you. Just that as we sober up we start seeing things we should have been on top of while we were drinking. I wouldn't want to be around a wife that drank like that either. I just wouldn't get too worked up in the beginning. All those times my mind started racing and I overwhelmed myself. Guess where I ended up? Just relax and don't worry too much, you put up with this for several years you can put up with it a few more weeks while you get your head right.
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Join Date: Dec 2017
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Posts: 2,547
Hmmm. It sounds like you're saying she is a "worse" alcoholic than you. Being a closet vodka drinker is its own kind of hell, but it would be like me judging people who got drunk in public because I never did that. How does that help you? Or her?
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