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Old 02-19-2018, 06:20 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Feeling Abandoned


Hi, I'm new here & looking for advice. My boyfriend of 3 months went back into rehab this past Thursday. He has been there before, we met in November, shortly after he was released the last time. He was so proud of himself in accomplishing sobriety, & that's mostly what led to me falling head over hills for him, fast & hard....Then he met up with old friends & relapsed. To make matters worse, he shattered his elbow which has since required 3 surgeries, & has been on opioid pain killers ever since. We've been in a relationship since his first surgery, & the prescription drugs have greatly increased his cravings for heroin & meth, & he's also an alcoholic. He chose to go back to rehab because he says he loves me & wants to be a better man for me. I have a teenage daughter who adored him in the beginning, & he is also very caring towards her...but the way he talks to me sometimes & the way his mood changes from extremely happy to talking down to me has me in tears pretty much daily. He promised the day he left he was coming home to us as soon as he possibly can, & even hugged my daughter, told her he's doing this because he loves us, & promised her he would be home soon. The problem is, he told me he would call me as often as he could & I haven't had communication with him since Friday. He said as soon as he got his calling card he would call me, & I've heard nothing. I was at the hospital last night for current chronic severe health issues, which he is very aware of. My daughter called the facility he is at & left a message that I was at the hospital & for him to please call home, because I know if i didn't let him know I was there, he would be angry....But still I've heard nothing from him. I'm feeling so alone & empty not hearing from him, & I'm terrified he's not going to come home to us. I've never used drugs, but have dealt with addiction with my sons & a husband of 16 years who overdosed & died. My boyfriend says he's never had anybody love him or worry about him like I do & that if he ever loses me he will go back to his old ways & it would be the end. I love him beyond words & am terrified of losing him. I don't understand why if he loves me like he says he's pretty much completely ignoring me as if I don't exist. I've never had any experience with a loved one in rehab, & I'm terrified. Any advice would be greatly appreciated, I've been in tears since before he left & can't eat or sleep. It's so bad, it's to the point where my daughter told me last night she hopes he doesn't come back, & I feel like I'm dating an onion because it seems all I do is cry. I'm considering sitting down & writing him a letter, but so confused as to if I should even do that....PLEASE HELP
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Old 02-19-2018, 07:24 AM   #2 (permalink)
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First, it is quite possible that he is not allowed to call anyone yet. I know when I went into the hospital, I was not allowed to call anyone for like a week.

Secondly, this really doesn't sound like a healthy relationship for you. I would personally try talking to a therapist - if not for you, for your daughter.
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Old 02-19-2018, 09:04 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Hi Theresa, I guess you could call the facility to find out what the rules are in respect of patients making phone calls.
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Old 02-19-2018, 09:56 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Sorry for what brings you here.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Teresa1974 View Post
My boyfriend says he's never had anybody love him or worry about him like I do & that if he ever loses me he will go back to his old ways & it would be the end.
He's already returned to his old ways...that's why he's in rehab.
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Old 02-19-2018, 10:04 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Sounds tough -- I am with 0202 on this one, he may not be able to call but you have only one daughter, she needs you, this can't be healthy for her.

I don't like this implied threat either, but I don't know him.

You should check out the friends and family and other areas as well.
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Old 02-19-2018, 10:16 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Teresa1974 View Post
My boyfriend says he's never had anybody love him or worry about him like I do & that if he ever loses me he will go back to his old ways & it would be the end.
Sorry your feeling upset and I hope your health issues turn out ok. I say this as kindly as possible; The part I quoted of your post has manipulation written all over it,IMO. Might want to check out the friends and family section here and read around/post this over there too. A lot of people have been where you are in dealing with a loved one like your BF/myself. Take care of yourself and daughter. His recovery is his alone.
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Old 02-19-2018, 10:26 AM   #7 (permalink)
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So sorry for what you are going through..

I'd call the facility and check with them.. Like others said, maybe there is reason he can't call out. That's giving him the benefit of the doubt.

Listen to your heart and daughter... She wishes he doesnt come back!

No need to put you both through any more pain.
Perhaps it's time to say Goodbye and let go.

His problems and drug, alcohol use are for him to deal with by himself ..

Honestly, I wouldn't let my children deal with this ...

Sorry.. Just my 2 cents.
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Old 02-19-2018, 10:37 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Welcome to SR, Teresa.

I am so very sorry for what brings you here.

You will find an abundance of support and love understanding here, in Newcomers and, most especially, on the SR's wonderful Friends & Families Forum.
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Old 02-19-2018, 10:45 AM   #9 (permalink)
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I am sorry for what you are going through. A few things jump out at me in your post:

You have been dating this guy for 3 months. Only 3 months.

He has an addiction to alcohol, meth and heroin.

You are in tears daily due to the way he talks at you or down to you.

You are desperate for communication from him.

He would be angry if you didnt let him know you are at the hospital but there is no communication at the moment due to him being in rehab.

You feel alone and empty and terrified he will not come home to you and your daughter.

It seems like you have invested all your emotions in to a man that is unavailable in many ways. From your assertion he has multiple substance abuse issues and is now in a rehab. You have only been with this person for a few months and have invested your whole entire being in to him. I would understand some of this if you two were married or dating for a long period of time.

Have you considered talking with a professional about some of the issues that you may have surrounding abandonment, co-dependency and relationships?



Just a thought

I would really consider looking in to getting help for yourself.
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Old 02-19-2018, 11:11 AM   #10 (permalink)
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teresa, we're very glad youre here. if he went in on thursday,its only monday. in all honesty, with these to things alone
a husband of 16 years who overdosed & died
My boyfriend of 3 months

im thinking you have some pretty deep unresolved issues- issues there are solutions for.
think about it- its been a couple days and now you want to write him a letter- a letter to someone youve been in a relationship with for 3 months.

and DR is spot on- an addict manipulating with
My boyfriend says he's never had anybody love him or worry about him like I do & that if he ever loses me he will go back to his old ways & it would be the end.

thats a BS statement. he had his old ways BEFORE you, has them WITH YOU, and could have them AFTER.

teresa, youve never had anyone in rehab, have been in the relationship for 3 months, hes been gone 3 days, and youre terrified.

does that read like somethings amiss with you?
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