dcg

Drunks need to realize that 99% of the time everyone in the extended family knows. I remember which person was the drunk in my extended family when I was 8-years-old.

lessgravity

I see it as neither. I see it as two people, flawed like most of us, trying to figure things out.

Knightqwe

Why still drinking? Dont drink and show them you are strong.

DreamCatcher17

Maybe you will now have the support from the family, that sounds better to me than having a stranger know my business, as they don't know me and I feel like since they don't know me, they would judge me and my situation for what they don't know ....

lessgravity

Good points. I'm also thinking just how much of my life (40yo here) has been spent lying, hiding, in deceit. Why don't I just own up to my issues? We all have them.

Ah but then the shame creeps up my spine and I want to drink away this unworthiness.

Not that I am going to drink, I'm not. But I know why I would.

Snowydelrico

My spouse sometimes remembers how things used to be and expects things to still be the same. So I pull her and say “ going on about my drinking days are you, that’s not me anymore “
The past is the past, nobody needs to keep living it.
Onward and upward.

mandypandy

But that's irrational thinking less. Drinking makes you feel unworthy, you don't like that feeling, so you will use the very thing that causes it to take it away?
Have you used SMART recovery? They have tools in their SMART toolbox to consciously dispute irrational thoughts . They are free online on the SMART site

lessgravity

I look forward to that man! Thank you for the inspiration.

LadyBlue0527

Where I stand tall for accountability and responsibility in all we've done to hurt others I also agree with Cascabel.

Yes, we deserve what we have coming to us BUT - I could offer up stories about my spouse that I would never discuss with people who know us. Because, as long as I know he's working through things I will be able to forgive and love him. However, telling a mutual party who knows us both could result in the possibility of creating idle gossip that can not be overcome. We are all human.

I just think it's a good idea to think through who you're talking to when it comes to personal matters.

DreamCatcher17

You are welcome!

The shame does creep up, by working a program that can be worked through and eventually can be gone. I would love to say forever, however, I don't believe that is the total case. At least not for me, there are times I will think of something stupid I did, and I will feel shame... HOWEVER it is not long-lived, the thought/feeling goes away much more quickly now because I have to remember where I am and that I am not that stupid drunk b*tch.
I will also never forget why I am sober, the things I did to get me here, but I will not dwell in those reasons, that will get me to where.

I am so happy you are sober and not drinking over these things that can be worked out.

Zenna

I can't help feeling that your focus is slightly to the side of where it really needs to be. Can I humbly suggest that if you're going to turn anything over in your head, that it's this:

I don't know you at all - I mean, obviously not in real life, but I'm new on the forums so I don't know your history of posting etc. To be very honest, just reading this one thread the feeling I'm getting is that you're in a bit of waif state. Sad and maybe drifting a little.

Waifs don't do very well when demons turn up. Please tell me if I'm wrong, though. Are you working on your defences? Perhaps even a pre-emptive attack? Do you have a robust sobriety plan, and are you using it?

I only want to help you in your sobriety.

lessgravity

Appreciate the words and thoughts. You can take a look at my profile and see.

Here's to another day.

48heath

Unfortunately if we choose to drink,we have to take what goes with it.

Dee74

I found there was not enough alcohol in the world to drink away my unworthiness or my shame or my regret.

Alcohol was just my futile way to try and make the intolerable tolerable - and all it didin the end was make a bigger load of shame regret and unworthiness for me to carry

Getting sober and then working on becoming the best me I can be - that's good honest, useful - and effective - work, less

D

Babescake

I haven't read all the posts, but I'm sure you are getting good advice. Many are probably admonishing you for listening. I would have done the same though lol.

However, with my rehab stint, I've learned (no matter HOW HARD IT IS TO ACTUALLY KEEP PRESENT IN MIND) that you can't control what other think/say about you. My soon-to-be ex-husband's family is dysfunctional to the nth degree and a bunch of gossipers. They know I went to rehab because my son let it slip I was at the drs for a month. Well, gee. I keep my alcoholism very private. My business. Yet I know they had a FIELD DAY with this and still probably do.

That bothers me because it is cruel naysaying rather than wishing me well or being curious if I was getting better. No, they'd rather poke fun and make themselves feel better. And that is their prerogative. I can't change what they think. They can remain clueless, ignorant and unsympathetic. They aren't worth my time then. Those who choose to see YOU beyond the addiction are the good souls in life. Keep those ones around.

Stayingsassy

When I quit drinking, I gave my husband carte Blanche to say anything to anyone he needed to say it to.

He told several people I quit, he told his brother even more info than that, he explained my drunken behavior and the fallout from it in ways I didn't like, but all of that was my problem, not his.

I told him I wished he'd just told them all that I was alcoholic, but he said he wasn't comfortable explaining it like that. I had to be ok with that.

My husband has been living with a serious alcoholic for a long time. He gets to say what he needs to say.

Besides....I knew I was done on that last day, so there wouldn't be more explaining to do, and I could move forward with dignity.

Your problems with your wife's need for support are solely your own problems. Not hers.

lessgravity

It's funny how a post about spousal issues generates such strong views, on a forum that is typically at least mostly non-judgmental:

"Your problems with your wife's need for support are solely your own problems. Not hers."

"I see it as a betrayal of confidence on both your parts"

"you had no right"

"you seem more interested in what people think about you than the pain she is feeling"

Wowza!

DreamCatcher17

Please don't let this stop you from posting whatever it is you are feeling and wanting advice or support on. People come from all walks of life and we cant control others. When I have ran into judgey people, I use the term "take what I need and leave the rest" to heart and I follow it. Now, that doesn't mean, I take only what I want because it suits my needs and what I want to hear, I just leave the crap that means nothing.

Dee74

Hi less - if you or anyone else thinks a post breaks the rules you an always report it, or PM me Anna or another mod about it.

I think this is one of those issues where there's a real divide between newcomers and those with a little more time up their sleeve, and maybe a little more distance from the situation.

In early recovery I would have listened at the door too - I would have been scared and totally lacking in trust/faith that everything would turn out fine if I stayed in recovery.

I would have beaten myself up pretty good - but I also would have had a lot of wounded pride...even tho I drank I was still a pretty good husband in lots of other ways , right?

so was I...but when I look back at what I did, and how I used to be with my drinking, it's clear to me my partners (I lost not one but two over 20 years) needed support.

However much it hurts, embarrasses you or maybe even bruises the ego I think it is ultimately a good thing your wife is looking for support rather than walking out the door.

You've had some good advice here - delivered in varying ways true - but still good.

I think it would be a mistake not to take on board everything, even the posts delivered in a way you didn't like

It would also be a major mistake to focus on others replies as a possible deflection away from the real issue here which is your continued growth and recovery.



D

Hawkeye13

I was trying to be helpful, and not to judge you.
As I said in the next sentence, "I've been there too".

It isn't easy to face the truth of what we've done to others with our drinking.
I struggled, felt hurt and defensive, and wished I could just put it behind me.

But the damage is done to family, and it doesn't just go away because we stop drinking for a few days or longer.