lessgravity

Thanks Dream, Dee and Hawk.

I have pretty thick skin and have been around a couple times - no one is going to stop me from posting.

And Dee - your words, as usual, hit home. I've been through one divorce, not looking for another.

I'm glad this post generated such a diversity of feelings. I am sure I may feel differently years from now seeing someone post exactly the same. Either way, I've taken everyone's input and it's made me think more about where I am with my wife and family.

Zebra1275

Heard my wife telling her sister-in-law about my drinking

I imagine this makes you feel guilt and shame.

But what ever you do, don't drink over it!

tomsteve

didnt you start the thread by being judgemental about your wifes choices of who she talked to?

lessgravity

Tom is a beast!

I mean one could say that if they wanted to - her being my wife we are pretty judgmental about each other here and there, us being human and all.

Think more I was sharing how it felt to feel ashamed and embarrassed knowing that my sister-in-law, who I love and respect, would know these things about me.

Figured sharing this kind of thing would enable others who have been through the same or fear the same happening to them, could talk. Which is also what I figure these forums are for.

That's just me though.

Snowydelrico

It’s hard.
You focus on recovery which helps relationships.
Yet you have little time to work on the relationship.
One thing at a time, it will come.
Things have slowly recovered in my relationship, almost a year on and things are just turning a corner.
I didn’t know who I was anymore, so how could she.
I suppose you don’t get to know somebody overnight.

tomsteve

less, i got sober in AA. my sponsor was dam good- he read through EVERYTHING i said and called me out on it. straighup,outright buggered me up more than 4325 times.
one day a few years in we were taking a roadtrip down to ann arbor. we were reminiscing and laughing at some of the things i blew a head gasket over.
not exact words, but he told me,"tom, i said what i said because i care. if i didnt care i wouldnt have called you out on it and let ya struggle along and possibly end up drunk again."
that gave me a new persepective. i realized the message may have been blunt, but there was compassion to it and it helped keep me from a lot of struggling.

lessgravity

I appreciate your words and angle more than you know. Plus anyone from the UP must be a bad-ss - you a fan of Jim Harrison?

tomsteve

i dont think ive heard of jim harrison.
that location says northern michigan, not the u.p. i moved a few years ago from there, just havent changed the location- my hearts still up there.
im an old broken down fart so my ass isnt bad except for stinkin up the room.

Stayingsassy

I thought I was just giving my perspective....went through the same thing my self and struggled with my own angry feelings but like Dee said perspective changes everything.

lessgravity

Sassy - totally. And I thank you for it. Was just pointing out how divergent and somewhat heated the responses were - and I think that's important and interesting. Obviously family/spouse issues are such a huge part of what booze is ruining/has ruined/needs to be fixed for all of us.

Thank you for your perspective.

Stayingsassy

Funny that our most heated emotions do come out in regard to our spouses, its definitely not a lukewarm relationship by nature

there is always buried selfishness, hurt and regret in both spouses that piles up over the years. I don't let my husband have the upper hand much....but when it comes to my drinking, I concede all pride and defensiveness. Its very clear what my drinking was. I told him at the end of my drinking that if he needed to leave, I wouldn't fault him or cause rifts with the kids, but that I had a plan to never drink again, and he could stick around to see if things got better if he wanted to.

Its like abuse or affairs. Addiction is on that level. If your wife had an affair, and you needed to talk to a family member about it, would you feel she was justified in telling you which family members are ok to talk to?

DontRemember

Tough spot to be in and you have 3 choices. Two are hard(but worth it) and one is easy(and miserable)..

Gottalife

The truth will set you free, but first it will make you miserable.

My alcoholism was pretty public, so I never gave any thought to who might be talking about it. But I remember an occasion where a family member decided to rip strips off me. She remembered evey little thing I had ever done wrong, and reeled them off one after the other. I had no answer. I knew she was no saint but I couldn't remember any specifics to fight back with. She said I was insincere in my AA work and didn't believe I would ever get sober and be a worthwhile human being I just took it.

Later I realised most of what she said was absolutely true and the fact that she was still carrying it all meant I must have hurt her deeply. An opportunity to make amends came up as the result of the AA program.

When I read some of the responses to your troubles I went OUCH! But I know the writers care more about you than they do about your feelings. The expression to kill someone with kindness can be taken literally when it comes to alcoholism.

On the choices front. as an AA recovered alcoholic my life has been simplified to a simple determination of two options. Whatever the situation is I only have to ask myself "Can I change this or do I accept it?" There is no third option.

August252015

IME, the BB is correct on this topic- this shift in family relations is wonderful....but not automatic or necessarily as fast as the alcoholic would like. It's also not reasonable to expect everyone to just happily jump on board with all future-focused stuff, til the past has been tended to and cleaned up.

Time takes time, and our families, friends, bosses et al deserve what it takes to "Get there" with us.

shortstop81

I get where you're coming from, and I've been in similar situations. But looking back, I know why these things made me so upset and uncomfortable - I wasn't controlling the 'message.' It's a situation where I have no control and can't influence others by maintaining a crafted facade.

I'm not saying that's you, but maybe a piece of it is. It's clear that you want your sister-in-law to think the best of you - but do you think her knowing these things will cause permanent damage to your relationship?

Either way, it's nothing that time + recovery can't make a distant memory out of.

Numblady

On a slightly different note, if you are an attorney a lot of state bars have organizations to support lawyers in recovery. I haven’t taken advantage of the one in my state yet but I’m also just curious to hear what other lawyers do in recovery. And how people handle insane jobs, whether they’re in the law or not. Best of luck to you!

Hawkeye13

You can heal your relationship less--I had to work hard, be patient, and accept some tough truths, but I would say my spouse and I are closer than ever now.

The only way out is through, and you can do it. We've got your back