lessgravity

no, not another gotcha thread.

Just so depressing and sad to hear, with my ear against the door, explaining how I lied and drank, let myself go, etc all the ugly sh-t details.

We are very close to her family. Her sister-in-law and I are also very close, in all very nice, healthy ways. Her family and in-laws are all non-issue drinkers.

I know I have no right at all to be upset. I just wish she chose a friend or a colleague instead of her family, who I am so close to.

ProfessorD

Oh boy. I'm trying to imagine how I would feel if I heard my husband speaking honestly about my drinking and all the ways I've messed up. Makes me feel sick just imagining it. But the good news is that you aren't drinking and you can change all of this. I'm sure if you listened to everything she says, you would also hear her say how impressed she is with the changes you are making. Focus on the positives, not the negatives would be my advice. We really do devastate those around us when we drink, so I'm sure she's just venting not trying to make you feel bad or disparage you to your family.

If I were you, I would just tell her you accidentally overheard, and even though you know it's true it hurt your feelings. Just be honest.

D122y

less,

My wife told everyone about my drinking and she told everyone about my quitting.

I don't want to say it is a girl thing. I figure folks that like to talk tend to talk about everything.

My family definitely treated me differently after that, even though they still all drink like fish.

Oh well to each their own.

I don't drink anymore. I am proudly sober.

I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror today at the gym

I looked pretty amazing. It was sort of shocking.

Stay clean.

Thanks.

tekink

Family are the folks you can talk to about this kind of thing assuming there is mutual love as it just builds you a support net. They are the ones who love you after all.

mandypandy

All the more reasons to stick to your guns, and then you might one day eaves drop on her telling her family about how much you have transformed yourself and how proud she is

tomsteve

you had no right to have your ear pressed against the door listening to what your wife thought was a private conversation.it was no accident.you probably knew the convo was going to be about you. your drinking really isnt a secret anyway-
take a visit over to the f&f forum and read the hundreds of spouses and families with an alkie in their lives that thought their drinking was a secret.
your wife isnt an idiot so please dont try using it was an accident as as excuse. dont tell her how it hurt your feelins- thats selfish,self centered and a bunch of self pity. SHE has been hurting for a long time watching her husband go downhill.SHE did exactly what she should and found support. if she wanted you to hear it she would have invited you into it.

I just wish she chose a friend

she did,just not the one you wanted her to. she deserves support,too, and you dont get to chose how and who that is.

seems right now the best way to stop your own guilt over the truth getting out would be to stop drinking and get help with it-start working a plan/program, add some therapy.....go to any lengths.
thats if youre still drinking.
if youve stopped,keep working on yourself- work on showing change
edit:
i see the "day 4" thread recently.
rome wasnt built in a day,less.

dwtbd

All the more reason to make a permanent change, yeah ?

Hawkeye13

I'm with tomsteve here--you had no right to listen to that conversation
and you seem more interested in what people think about you than the
pain she is feeling (and has been for years) and the support she needs.

I say this with compassion, because I have been addict and family,
and the journey is very tough on either side.

Use this for positive change, and turn it around into fuel for your sober life.
She must love you very much to have stayed and put up with the drunk you for so long.

Put love as your main focus and you will succeed.

lessgravity

Thank you to everyone, including those who said I had no right to listen. I don't disagree with you.

I didn't confront her in any way except to say that I was saddened by it and ashamed.

It is fuel to keep going, but also makes me feel estranged and alone.

A sad day 6 ahead with work about to get insane.

ProfessorD

So you did tell her you listened? Or you dropped a passive aggressive comment? (I've been known to do that, so I'm not judging AT ALL) What was her response to your statement? I agree you had no right to listen to her...but I also would have done the same thing, tbh. In a marriage with ups and downs, I don't know that eavesdropping is a hanging offense. But it does seem like the two of you need to have an actual conversation here. Has she ever told you how all of this has made her feel? Can you give her an opportunity to center her feelings and her experience?

August252015

Some good comments here, and I have come to agree with the strong ones made.

This is TOUGH - and I have been on both sides of it, so to speak.

As the child of an alcoholic mother, I "got in trouble" for talking to my best friend about my mom and our family life. I HAD to have someone to share and deeply resented (and was confused at the unfairness) of my parents having my Godparents, their best friends, to confide in etc. I still remember the hurt of all this.

As an adult, not yet in my own full fledged alcoholism, I tried to shift from that child's perspective and understand my parents way of dealing with my mom's illnesses (She is also bipolar).

As a raging alcoholic, I was angry and resentful at my mom in particular for sharing her devastation and abject terror, among other things, over my drinking. Especially when it was to a person I couldn't stand, who happens to be a good friend of hers (that's another story ALSO based in my resentment - there's a pattern here....).

As a recovering alcoholic, I can (now, at 2 yrs sober on 2/21) respect how we all needed support (and healing from our different types of alcoholism, as well as issues addressed in Al-Anon, for example) - we still do. My recovery isn't just something my parents have "Switched gears to" - just like my mom's wasn't that way for me.

I am also gaining wisdom and discernment in how my step-son is behaving towards his father, who is also in recovery.

It is complicated, challenging, and truly, IMO, calls for EVERYONE involved to act with love and compassion. The hurt will out, and it should - but for me, healing in all directions, is the goal.

Best to you in focusing on YOUR part of this family equation. You're lucky, like me, to have family who cares very much.

tomsteve

great that it can inspire you to keep going, but youre not alone. im not sure where big city is, but there very well could be recovery programs there that you could attend to find people that have been in your shoes. probably counselors that specialize in alcoholism,too.
it will make you feel estranged( your wife probably feels the same,too) because the drinking has probably brought strain on the marriage. there could be more than just the drinking- things on both sides of the street; things maybe a counselor/therapist could help with.
at this time i suggest working on finding support and a program for you to recover. its going to take time and work, but it will be worth it.

Tang

This may not help you. I told my wife I have a problem. I expect she will confide in people she is close with. If this gives me more accountability because more people know, then that is good. It it helps her heal herself, then that is good. This affliction can kill us. I personally need more accountability. I apologize if this isn't helpful. I wish you the best.

lessgravity

I told her very honestly that I heard who she was talking to and about what. (I didn't listen in on the whole convo anyhow). I said that I had no right whatsoever to be upset with her, she has the right to speak with whoever she wants about what I've put her through. But I did express how ashamed, pathetic and sad it made me feel. I said I wish she chose a friend instead of family, but that I understood.

We've spoken many times about my drinking. I go through manic healthy phases of hitting the gym, mediating, waking up early - then the demons start surfacing and I fall down a hole like I have over the past 1/2 months culminating in being totally wasted while doing laundry last weekend.

For my wife, god bless her (although I'm pretty agnostic), the main issues are the lies/deceit. She doesn't understand that - and perhaps she SHOULDNT because its a horrible way to live.

We had a long, uncomfortable for me, talk. But we were together this morning, trying to make sense of this life together.

Here's to Day 6.

Thank you all for everything.

Horn95

The reason I am so serious about sobriety this time around is my wife read me the riot act for a couple of days when I came home blasted after a business trip. At the end of it all she was very understanding but firm. Quit or she’s gone.

We alcoholics for many reasons are self-obsessed and do not realize the hell we put our loved ones through. While it was less-than ideal that you eavesdropped on your wife, it was actually ideal. You needed to hear, unvarnished, exactly what you are putting her through.

From the ashes rises the Phoenix my man! Law school was a bitch. You can do this!!

icandothis20

I am all for everything happens for a reason . Sometimes its painful, but necessary to heal. Maybe you were meant to hear the things your wife said, so that you could look at it from a different perspective, of the pain that we have caused others. Maybe this was meant to bring you two together to discuss this, so that new healing and new growth can occur There is a positive in everything! Good job on day 6!

dcg

Seemed like his horse was eye level, imo.

lessgravity

Thank you for this. I feel the same way. Last thing in the world I want is to hear my wife talking about me that way, to anyone.

Reminds me of when I heard my son, many years ago, say to his sitter "I hate wine, do you?"

Ah life - these demons...

Onward!

Horn95

And upward!

Cascabel

I see it as a betrayal of confidence on both your parts: on hers for talking about what should be private matters without consulting you and yours for eavesdropping. Perhaps the two of you can have a conversation about what constitutes appropriate behavior.