biminiblue

I certainly didn't take offense.

I'm sure you've read around the forums that in early sobriety thoughts are jumbled and emotions are running the show. It's a confusing time for everyone who quits. Heck, I cried for a month. Give it a couple months, this doesn't all have to be sorted today or next week. If you stay sober, it will sort itself - honest!

I think you're doing great. A little stand-aloneness in a marriage isn't a bad thing. Staying sober is a matter of life and death, so treat it like that newborn infant that it is.

It is my most precious possession. Without sobriety my house of cards comes tumbling down. I let nothing sway me from my course. There were times when people pressured me a bit to drink and I had to be standing on a rock when that happened, not shifting sand.

Whatever it takes. I think self-care is the term I would use, not selfish.

Mountainmanbob

Early sobriety is tough on not only the recovering drunk but, usually also on the family.

Hang tight to sobriety and don't let the Liquid Devil convince you that life was better when drinking. Self deception is one heck of a thing.

Good luck,
M-Bob

BigShoe

I can relate to the original post. My wife and I have always had a great time drinking together. Often in the morning we would both swear it off or at least admit that our behavior wasn’t sustainable. Often I would quit and she would promise to slowly step down. She wouldn’t. I would make a few weeks or months and something sometime would happen and I would give in to drinking. Not of urge or craving but “for the relationship.”
It’s obvious in hindsight that this dreary-go-round hasn’t done me any favors. A fun night to moderation to excess leading to dark thoughts and need of abstinence. Again and again. Just as I shouldn’t quit for another—I shouldn’t start for another.
My wife is very supportive of my sobriety this time for now and I really hope she will jump on the bus soon.

Downthepath

Thanks again for all of your interesting observations. 9 weeks feels like a lifetime in terms of the day to day fight, but it is virtually day one in the grand scheme of things. Of course everything is all over the place.

The more I think about it, the more a think it may have been an elaborate Ocean's Eleven style ruse on the part of my AV. First, it short circuited my security system by laying low and pretending to be quiet. What had actually happened was that it had inserted a loop of serenity into my CCTV system, convincing me that all was well. Then, whilst I was lulled into false sense of security, he was hacking into my mainframe and projecting things onto my wife that made me think that I needed to drink. He almost got away with it, too...

DontRemember

That's what it does..fo'real'z!!

honeypig

I usually hang out in the F&F forum, but want to comment on this specific part of your post, Dtp. I wouldn't suggest pressing her to read what you post on SR to "prove your innocence." I certainly wouldn't have wanted XAH to know every word I posted here or discussed in Alanon meetings--I needed and wanted the freedom and privacy to say EXACTLY what I was feeling, thinking, and going through, w/o filtering or censoring a thing. You have that same right (and need) to privacy, to say exactly what is on your mind, w/o editing it. That is how the fine folks of SR can best help you, if you are as open and honest as possible.

From my perspective, I think I see at least a tiny smidge of codependency in your wife, which is so common for us spouses of alcoholics, and that is an issue she would likely benefit from addressing. Two whole, separate, healthy people can make a happy and healthy relationship. Two people fused into one being CANNOT. I totally agree w/biminiblue on this:

It's good that you acknowledge her concerns, but again, just as your recovery is YOURS, she likely has some recovering of her own to do, and that is HERS.

Congratulations on your recovery so far, and I wish you continued strength, clarity and happiness, Dtp!

bunnezjp

If she doesn't drink that much, then I don't understand why you quitting drinking isn't more like you quitting drinking soda. And it's not like quitting drinking is a personal thing against her, you aren't doing it to spite her, you're doing it for you.

You need to do what's best for you. She needs to understand that.

~Bunnez

Downthepath

Thanks, Honeypig. That is definitely worth thinking about. The codependency is on the table now and is an ongoing conversation. We are both a lot more thoughtful about what we say now. Not in an awkward sense - we just understand to a greater extent that things are up in the air at the moment and if we are not careful, things can take a turn for the worse.

Thanks to you too, Bunnez. We will work it out. I think we both understand things a little more clearly each day.

Goodnight, all - and thanks again.

Downthepath

It's my fault that she won't drink alone. It has long been one of those things for me that 'only alcoholics drink alone', and I have been in denial for years so I have always made a point of not doing it. She has just followed my lead.

Thanks for the good wishes.

LBrain

A few thoughts on this: Aside from the codependency already mentioned, let me throw a few more out of the box things to think about.

Let's say you and your significant other spent a lot of time riding bicycles together. Every weekend you rode your bikes on long journeys together, went mountain biking a lot etc. Then let's say you lost a leg in a freak accident and could no long ride a bike. How would your soul mate handle it? Would there be resentment?

How about if you discovered you had liver disease or a cancer that doctors told you you had to stop alcohol consumption or you'll die? How would your co-dependent spouse react to that?

These may not be the same things as deciding to quit drinking just because you feel the need to. But in essence it is exactly the same scenario. Whether it is a personal choice or one that you have no control over, your spouse will have to adjust accordingly. And if your spouse is unable to accept this, your not drinking whether it is a personal decision or not, then your spouse needs to grow up.

I have fallen out of favor by some because I no longer drink. BUT, there are many more who couldn't care less whether I drink or not. And ALL of them are happy for me and applaud my choice of not drinking. For one's partner to be faced with a sudden change of lifestyle can be quite a shock for them. They either accept it and adjust, or they go on feeling sorry for themselves which is a selfish attitude. If your spouse behaves in this manner - it is entirely an expected response - do not hold it against them. If they continue to behave in this childish manner after a period of time, then one should seek intervention from a professional of some sort > marriage counselor. Give her or him time to adjust and learn that it is not the end of the world. Just as they must understand and accept that we make this decision, we must also understand that our decision also affects them quite profoundly. The cart is upset, but it can be righted in time. Stick with your decision and most importantly, communicate your reasons, and let them know you will be the same person with the exception that you will no longer be putting alcohol into your system.
Would she react the same if you suddenly declared you were becoming a vegetarian? Assuming of course you enjoyed grilling steaks for the past twenty years...
For many, alcohol consumption is a big part of their existence whether they realize it or not. Your suddenly not drinking becomes a threat to that existence. And it scares them.

Downthepath

Thanks for taking the time to respond, Brain.

As mentioned in previous posts, I have refined my initial judgement and now suspect that she is more likely to be going through a period of mourning rather than out and out resentment. And yes, to use your analogy of the loss of a leg, I believe there would be a similar feeling in that scenario. If you have done something regularly for 20 years, for it to be instantaneously removed would require a period of adjustment.

We communicate a lot and we are making great strides forward. She is not the enemy, she is someone that I love very dearly. She will adjust, just as I will.

Thanks again.

Obladi

Downthepath,

I was feeling a bit out of sorts after posting on a different thread and decided to spend a few more minutes just reading around the forum. Glad I did. I am impressed with your balance and grace. You are clearly a just and loving person. I selfishly hope you hang around here and continue to share your journey.

O

LBrain

You are welcome Downthepath. My apologies as I haven't read much of the forum or your previous posts. I happened to see this and thought I would respond in a general manner hoping that others as well would consider what I said. It sounds like you have a mature relationship and are aware of your situation. Best of luck as you move forward and grow.

Downthepath

Thanks, Brain. No need to apologise. All is good.

Thank you, too, Obladi. I'm not quite sure what to do with praise. I plan to stick around for a long time on here. I would have relapsed weeks ago without SR.