I don't know if i'm an alcoholic?
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I don't know if i'm an alcoholic?
Interestingly enough the first time I posted this, it disappeared. And I know some of you may be thinking well if you have to post this question... but just hear me out-
I'm 28 years old. I choose rarely to drink alcohol. I don't like the way it makes me feel, kind of gray and heavy. Kind of like i'm cutting my self off from my heart, but not always in that dramatic of a way. I just know it's not for my highest good, so I don't do it regularly. I'm not a terrible person when I drink, nothing happens. I don't crave it, I can stop. With that being said- that's my current take on alcohol. I haven't always had this awareness. I partied a lot as a teenager and up until my young 20's. Again, never had feelings like I couldn't stop or things like that- but it was definitely binge drinking. After my mom died when I was 22 it became a more negative experience when I would drink alone. I was depressed. While I did not even have the awareness at the time, I was drinking to numb pain within my self. I abused alcohol for sure.
I hit a point where I was tired of wasting my life away and being depressed and that's when I would say my spiritual journey began. I travelled, discovered meditation and yoga. I met a woman on one of my travels, let's call her E, and she became like a pseudo-mom to me. She has been sober for 25+ years, coming off heavy stuff like heroin. She's a big advocate for AA and has told me before she thinks that I am an alcoholic. After she told me that, I wanted to heal from my sadness and I was willing to try anything. I went to AA and found my voice in sharing and loved the community feel, but had this nagging feeling in my stomach I was being a phony. It just didn't feel all the way right. When I would say I am an alcoholic I felt like I was lying. I quit going to meetings, but couldn't look at alcohol the same after that. I was unable to drink again without awareness, and usually some guilt.
The more I got into yoga and meditation the less alcohol appeals to me. The less anything that numbs me appeals to me, as my work now is in healing and numbing will only take me back to the dark. Yet, I still experience sadness. I have good days and bad days. It feels pretty human to me, but a few months ago I went through a break up and it's been pretty earth shattering. I feel my life force has been sucked away a bit. E sent me a passage from the big book about acceptance, and again it triggered me, like Crap. Am I an alcoholic? I'm having trouble accepting this break up and this new reality so I must be. This break up is bringing up all sorts of old grief around my mom's death. It just hasn't been easy. E sends me emails about AA, makes it sound like it's the only way I'll ever really heal my childhood wounds, like it's the only way I'm going to find happiness and peace. I don't understand how when I don't have the urge to drink. I don't want to do that to my self. But I have sought advice from E for so many years, about everything, that I have given my power away and now in my head over and over I'm stuck on the loop- am I an alcoholic? Is that the cure to all of this stress and pain in my life? AA? Even though I don't abuse alcohol? So again, I tried 2 meetings. And again, just felt a shade off. Like a phony again. I wish I could sit in a group of people and talk about our humanness but not have to claim I have a drinking problem. It doesn't feel right. But I know enough to know that if something is triggering me, there's a lesson there. And I'm stuck on the thought loops. And caught in my head. Cuz sometimes I can eat too many cookies. And sometimes I can spend too much time on the internet. And so on. I try to be very aware of my self and any moment I am trying to escape my feelings, but maybe E know me better than I know me. So am I having a human experience or an alcoholic experience? (I also see a therapist once a week and plan on discussing this with her as well)
Thank you for any insight and guidance...
I'm 28 years old. I choose rarely to drink alcohol. I don't like the way it makes me feel, kind of gray and heavy. Kind of like i'm cutting my self off from my heart, but not always in that dramatic of a way. I just know it's not for my highest good, so I don't do it regularly. I'm not a terrible person when I drink, nothing happens. I don't crave it, I can stop. With that being said- that's my current take on alcohol. I haven't always had this awareness. I partied a lot as a teenager and up until my young 20's. Again, never had feelings like I couldn't stop or things like that- but it was definitely binge drinking. After my mom died when I was 22 it became a more negative experience when I would drink alone. I was depressed. While I did not even have the awareness at the time, I was drinking to numb pain within my self. I abused alcohol for sure.
I hit a point where I was tired of wasting my life away and being depressed and that's when I would say my spiritual journey began. I travelled, discovered meditation and yoga. I met a woman on one of my travels, let's call her E, and she became like a pseudo-mom to me. She has been sober for 25+ years, coming off heavy stuff like heroin. She's a big advocate for AA and has told me before she thinks that I am an alcoholic. After she told me that, I wanted to heal from my sadness and I was willing to try anything. I went to AA and found my voice in sharing and loved the community feel, but had this nagging feeling in my stomach I was being a phony. It just didn't feel all the way right. When I would say I am an alcoholic I felt like I was lying. I quit going to meetings, but couldn't look at alcohol the same after that. I was unable to drink again without awareness, and usually some guilt.
The more I got into yoga and meditation the less alcohol appeals to me. The less anything that numbs me appeals to me, as my work now is in healing and numbing will only take me back to the dark. Yet, I still experience sadness. I have good days and bad days. It feels pretty human to me, but a few months ago I went through a break up and it's been pretty earth shattering. I feel my life force has been sucked away a bit. E sent me a passage from the big book about acceptance, and again it triggered me, like Crap. Am I an alcoholic? I'm having trouble accepting this break up and this new reality so I must be. This break up is bringing up all sorts of old grief around my mom's death. It just hasn't been easy. E sends me emails about AA, makes it sound like it's the only way I'll ever really heal my childhood wounds, like it's the only way I'm going to find happiness and peace. I don't understand how when I don't have the urge to drink. I don't want to do that to my self. But I have sought advice from E for so many years, about everything, that I have given my power away and now in my head over and over I'm stuck on the loop- am I an alcoholic? Is that the cure to all of this stress and pain in my life? AA? Even though I don't abuse alcohol? So again, I tried 2 meetings. And again, just felt a shade off. Like a phony again. I wish I could sit in a group of people and talk about our humanness but not have to claim I have a drinking problem. It doesn't feel right. But I know enough to know that if something is triggering me, there's a lesson there. And I'm stuck on the thought loops. And caught in my head. Cuz sometimes I can eat too many cookies. And sometimes I can spend too much time on the internet. And so on. I try to be very aware of my self and any moment I am trying to escape my feelings, but maybe E know me better than I know me. So am I having a human experience or an alcoholic experience? (I also see a therapist once a week and plan on discussing this with her as well)
Thank you for any insight and guidance...
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You don't drink regularly, you don't crave it, you don't seem to really even enjoy it, you recognize the risks of alcohol ... I can't diagnose you and folks who are on the spectrum of 'alcohol use disorder' come in all shapes and sizes, but it doesn't seem like you have a problem with alcohol to me. I don't want to be critical of E, but sometimes we all get a little trapped in our own worlds, where we see things only through the prisms of our own experiences, without fully appreciating that others' experiences might be much different. I wonder if, perhaps, this is what is happening with E.
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Originally Posted by soberandhonest 
You don't drink regularly, you don't crave it, you don't seem to really even enjoy it, you recognize the risks of alcohol ... I can't diagnose you and folks who are on the spectrum of 'alcohol use disorder' come in all shapes and sizes, but it doesn't seem like you have a problem with alcohol to me. I don't want to be critical of E, but sometimes we all get a little trapped in our own worlds, where we see things only through the prisms of our own experiences, without fully appreciating that others' experiences might be much different. I wonder if, perhaps, this is what is happening with E.
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Location: W Washington
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it could be she is just sharing some of the wisdom of a program she knows well......anyone can benefit from the 12 steps.....anyone can appreciate the beautiful words about Acceptance in the Big Book.
a person familiar with the Bible may send you passages from Corinthians or Sermon on the Mount.
a person familiar with Hinduism may send you quotes from the Bhagavad Gita.
a person familiar with pro football may share a quote from Vince Lombardi.
we all have messages to share, based on our experience.
a person familiar with the Bible may send you passages from Corinthians or Sermon on the Mount.
a person familiar with Hinduism may send you quotes from the Bhagavad Gita.
a person familiar with pro football may share a quote from Vince Lombardi.
we all have messages to share, based on our experience.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
it could be she is just sharing some of the wisdom of a program she knows well......anyone can benefit from the 12 steps.....anyone can appreciate the beautiful words about Acceptance in the Big Book.
a person familiar with the Bible may send you passages from Corinthians or Sermon on the Mount.
a person familiar with Hinduism may send you quotes from the Bhagavad Gita.
a person familiar with pro football may share a quote from Vince Lombardi.
we all have messages to share, based on our experience.
a person familiar with the Bible may send you passages from Corinthians or Sermon on the Mount.
a person familiar with Hinduism may send you quotes from the Bhagavad Gita.
a person familiar with pro football may share a quote from Vince Lombardi.
we all have messages to share, based on our experience.
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,246
Originally Posted by soberandhonest
You don't drink regularly, you don't crave it, you don't seem to really even enjoy it, you recognize the risks of alcohol ... I can't diagnose you and folks who are on the spectrum of 'alcohol use disorder' come in all shapes and sizes, but it doesn't seem like you have a problem with alcohol to me. I don't want to be critical of E, but sometimes we all get a little trapped in our own worlds, where we see things only through the prisms of our own experiences, without fully appreciating that others' experiences might be much different. I wonder if, perhaps, this is what is happening with E.
Best wishes to you.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
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Originally Posted by DarklingSong
I agree with above post. Do talk it through with your therapist though. Lots and lots of people overdo things from time to time (eat, drink become obsessed). In my experience its worth looking at this, and the pain that is underneath it rather than getting stuck on a label or diagnosis. It sounds like you have worked hard to grow as a person, making healthier choices for your self. In my opinion you need to listen to yourself. Rejecting another persons perspective doesn't necessarily mean you are in some sort of denial.
Best wishes to you.
Best wishes to you.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 425
My job makes me automatically skeptical and your experience with "E" triggered something - I have had experiences with recovery "veterans" who ended up being more screwed up than I was. The legit ones would never diagnose you; they might think it, but wouldn't say it.
Also, I got the feeling that there might be a hidden agenda. Not knowing either of you, I'll stop there, but it might be worth considering.
Also, I got the feeling that there might be a hidden agenda. Not knowing either of you, I'll stop there, but it might be worth considering.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
If you have control when you drink, and choice as to whether you drink or not, you are not an alcoholic of my type. You sound more like my non alcoholic late wife, and other partners. One or two is nice, but they don't like the effect of having more than that.
The twelve steps make a great program. There are about 200 different 12 step fellowships for all manner of things from emotions, to food, to gambling to antidepressants, you name it. But there is only one fellowship specifically for alcoholics, and that is AA. AA is probably the biggest and many people want to join, but it has been found over the years that there is no way to give AA membership to a non alcoholic. Of course we have open meetings which can get around that to some extent.
When AA started, there was a strong temptation to try and be all things to all people, but it was found as greatest strength was its singleness of purpose.
The twelve steps make a great program. There are about 200 different 12 step fellowships for all manner of things from emotions, to food, to gambling to antidepressants, you name it. But there is only one fellowship specifically for alcoholics, and that is AA. AA is probably the biggest and many people want to join, but it has been found over the years that there is no way to give AA membership to a non alcoholic. Of course we have open meetings which can get around that to some extent.
When AA started, there was a strong temptation to try and be all things to all people, but it was found as greatest strength was its singleness of purpose.
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Location: Australia
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Hi amethystcookies 
The bottom line is that alcoholism is best handled as a self diagnosed condition.
Try and forget what your friend has said and all the opinions here and ask yourself if you think your drinking is a problem
have you regularly drank too much, or has your drinking repeatedly put you in dangerous embarrassing or awkward situations, have you regular experience of blacking out and having no memory of recent events, has your drinking caused you problems in relationships or career/school?
do you prefer to drink alone and do you drink to avoid feelings or problems in your day to day life?
If you answer yes to any of those questions then I think it's worth thinking some more about this.
D
The bottom line is that alcoholism is best handled as a self diagnosed condition.
Try and forget what your friend has said and all the opinions here and ask yourself if you think your drinking is a problem
have you regularly drank too much, or has your drinking repeatedly put you in dangerous embarrassing or awkward situations, have you regular experience of blacking out and having no memory of recent events, has your drinking caused you problems in relationships or career/school?
do you prefer to drink alone and do you drink to avoid feelings or problems in your day to day life?
If you answer yes to any of those questions then I think it's worth thinking some more about this.
D
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
I'm almost 4 years sober and still sometimes am not sure if I'm an alcoholic.
I've also sat in meetings feeling 'fake' about saying it.
But for me, the bottom line was that alcohol and my patterns of behavior related to alcohol were clearly creating issues for my life that were painful, difficult, miserable and negatively impacting the richness of my life.
My 'evidence' regarding alcohol specifically was worse and more potent than it sounds like your experience is. I had lots of directly alcohol-related chaos going for me.
You did talk a bit about drinking to numb the pain, though. You did share some words that seem to echo a bit of the shadow of a developing problem. Bottom line is always this; if you can see that alcohol or other substances are playing an influencing role in impeding your life's joy and abundance - there's a way to be free.
I've also sat in meetings feeling 'fake' about saying it.
But for me, the bottom line was that alcohol and my patterns of behavior related to alcohol were clearly creating issues for my life that were painful, difficult, miserable and negatively impacting the richness of my life.
My 'evidence' regarding alcohol specifically was worse and more potent than it sounds like your experience is. I had lots of directly alcohol-related chaos going for me.
You did talk a bit about drinking to numb the pain, though. You did share some words that seem to echo a bit of the shadow of a developing problem. Bottom line is always this; if you can see that alcohol or other substances are playing an influencing role in impeding your life's joy and abundance - there's a way to be free.
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