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Bachelorette outing to three wineries..

Old 09-26-2017, 11:59 AM
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Bachelorette outing to three wineries..

Hey guys - I just hit my five months sober two days ago.

In two weeks I'm going to a bachelorette party with three other ladies and they're choice of outing is going to be a winery trail with three separate locations.

I'll come flat out and say it.. I'm bummed. I know I don't need to drink to have a good time. If anything, these past five months just solidified that fact. I can't tell you how many times I've said something to have a friend's response be, "And you're not even drinking!" Or if I start dancing to a song and they say, "This is you sober!?"

I'm just bummed. I want to partake in the festivities. I want to taste the different flavors and celebrate with the bride-to-be. I must have wrote a text message to my SO a thousand times before giving up and coming here. I'm not sure if I was looking for permission or what..

I don't even want to write here right now. I know, hands down, that every comment will tell me not to drink. I even thought about going to the subreddit for drinking less, but even that isn't unbiased. They'll tell me to enjoy myself, but moderate.

Ugh. I'm frustrated. First time in five months that I've seriously considered having a drink..
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Old 09-26-2017, 12:08 PM
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I'm only a few months further along than you and it's only recently that I've felt comfortable around people who are drinking. Now, I find it amusing to concentrate on watching them getting sillier with each drink, less steady on their feet and coming out with utter garbage
Do you feel you can do that yet? Do they know you're not drinking? A lot depends on where you are on this journey x
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Old 09-26-2017, 12:10 PM
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I'm not going to tell what to do on this outing,but I will suggest you read through your past threads. Hang in there!
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Old 09-26-2017, 12:12 PM
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It's not an uncommon feeling Nikka - it's normal to have feelings/reminders/urges to do the things we used to do.

You are right though - no one is going to tell you it's OK to drink "just this one time" - we all know that's a total pipe dream. And I think you know it too, right?

It's most likely just your AV playing it's tricks again...don't listen to it. Yes - it's "not fair" that we can't drink with our friends. But at the end of the day life isn't fair. You know exactly what to do though, and coming here to talk it out was a good idea.
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Old 09-26-2017, 12:14 PM
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First...you know it won't be one drink. That's really not the point, even for the "normal" drinkers attending. The objective is to get drunk, yes?

Second...your tolerance is gone. You're going to be insanely hungover (after being really really drunk) even if you somehow magically manage to limit your intake.

Third...all those little addicted neurons are going to wake up and start SCREAMING again. The door will be open and the endless debate will be back nonstop (Just one! Hard day! Everybody drinks! You can handle it now! Yammer yammer yammer.)

Do you really have to go?

Do you really want to spend an evening babysitting drunk people?

For me, it comes down to this: I wish things were different but they aren't. So given the fact that I can't drink, how do I conduct my life?

You won't be sorry if you don't drink. You are extremely likely to be sorry if you do.

Sending you a hug.
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Old 09-26-2017, 12:23 PM
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It's difficult. I know I couldn't go and NOT drink. I would want to drink so I would drink.

I would have to stay away. I could manage a meal in a restaurant but no way could I do a winery trip.

Do your friends know your situation? Can you be honest with them. As it's such a small group could they maybe do the wineries without you then meet you later for a meal or vice versa?

If not, I would not go. too risky. All that you've worked so hard for, it's not worth throwing away and starting again. I had 3 years sober then started again and it's taken me 18 months to get back to just 30 days. It's precious. Guard it
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Old 09-26-2017, 12:27 PM
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sure seems you could skip out and celebrate with the bride to be another way.
i didnt know wine tasting is how a marriage is celebrated now.
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Old 09-26-2017, 12:28 PM
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Do your girlfriends know that you do not drink? A lot of normal drinkers think its easy.. for us.. its not. And a winery is somewhere that I wouldn't be able to go. If they know you are not drinking, they should totally understand, given you will be standing there watching them drink?
I agree with what the poster above said about all the work you have put in, and the AV voice being woken up again, tenfold. ESPECIALLY if you control it. See... I am in control.
Don't let all your hard work go down the drain, for 1 day.
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Old 09-26-2017, 12:36 PM
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Can you offer to drive them? It helps me knowing that I'm helping people and being a better friend to them when I stay sober and make sure they all get home safe. I guess it gives me a sort of purpose to focus on, rather than just sulking in the fact that I can't join them in the drinking.
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Old 09-26-2017, 12:42 PM
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Nikki, that doesn't sound like a fun time at all. Are you in the wedding party? In other words, do you have to go?

I know you can get through it and stay sober, but it doesn't sound like a good time.
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Old 09-26-2017, 01:00 PM
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Personally I would protect my sobriety and not go to this event. I would arrange another celebration that doesn't revolve around alcohol.
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Old 09-26-2017, 01:07 PM
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I had a very chatter-y Addictive Voice at around five months. It was super annoying. After I got past six months, it quieted down a LOT.

I also could feel pretty sorry for myself when I had to miss out on . . . whatever I felt I was missing out on. *stomps feet*

You're right about one thing. No one here will tell you it's a good idea.

I wouldn't go.
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Old 09-26-2017, 01:40 PM
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It sounds clear you should NOT attend this event. You don't drink, so going to wineries makes no sense. We had something similar for a holiday work party, and I simply told them I wasn't attending. I understand the sentiments of feeling things aren't fair. I was an avid brewer of beer and it was a huge part of my life. It was a really fun hobby, and a part of me would love to still be involved. However, that was another chapter in my life. Your 5 months of sobriety is great! I certainly wouldn't throw that track record away.
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Old 09-26-2017, 02:05 PM
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if you go you could have as good a night as this one:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-hungover.html (Hungover.)
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Old 09-26-2017, 02:21 PM
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Hi Nikka, I think Aries hit the nail on the head....you not likely to regret not drinking. Play the tape forward and imagine how it would feel waking the next day hungover and back to day 1.

Consider what the last 5 mths have meant to you and how hard you have worked to gain everyday.

Sending you hugs. Sometimes our AV tells us we are missing out.....when, in actual fact, with everyday sober, we gain so much more than we ever did when drinking.

Xx Scruff
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Old 09-26-2017, 02:21 PM
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well that stinks.

but, that's exactly the kind of event I'd just excuse myself from going to. Not so much out of any worry but because it really wouldn't be fun or meaningful to me.

if it were my friend, I'd offer to host an alternative celebration of some sort, politely and honestly let her know why I didn't feel I could be a part of it and wish her all the best.

to me - nobody's day is worth my spending a day at an alchohol-centric event with alcohol-centric people watching them do alcohol-centric stuff. MY life journey isn't about that and my friendship and connection to others in my life isn't honored by that.

There's a wedding, a reception, presumably a shower, opportunities to throw her a nice dinner party..... loads of alternative ways for you to honor her and be a part of her celebration.

Just my perspective and how I'd go about something like this.

Best of luck to ya.

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Old 09-26-2017, 02:39 PM
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I was an avid wine drinker and collector, with training as a sommelier, and was trying to get into the wine business when I was hospitalized and got sober. I was also a beer brewer and lover of craft beers. I have a circle of friends where our socializing revolved around wine...tastings, vineyards, tasting parties, dinner parties with food/wine pairings. I was always able to separate drinking as an addict and drinking as a connoisseur and budding wine professional from drinking alone, alcoholically, and to far greater excess. I would end up being the most sober person at our wine parties. I would go to 5-6 wineries a day and spit nearly everything. Unlike what was posted above, the objective of wine tasting is NOT to get drunk, although this is probably a bit different at a bachelorette party, unless the others are sophisticated wine drinkers. But the purpose of the trip IS to drink, just not necessarily to excess.

That part of my life is over. My friends still go wine tasting, but I don't, we do other things together that don't revolve around drinking. I am trying to find another career. Trust me, I miss the hell out of it, but there's no way in hell I'd go wine tasting. There is simply no point to it if you're going to remain sober. Generally if I'm around people who are drinking a fantastic wine, or I serve it, I will smell it, as much of the joy of wine is in the nose anyway. I will still serve wine to friends at home and not be tempted to drink it....although I ALWAYS make sure there are no open bottles at the end of the night, and if there are, the wine gets poured down the drain. I know my triggers, and that's not one of them. If I experience a trigger in these situations, I will stop.

However there is no way in freaking hell that I would do a wine tasting, despite my history. I STRONGLY suggest you decline the bachelorette party. If the bride knows you're in recovery, she should understand, and maybe you can do something non-alcohol related before the wedding with the bride and bridesmaids. Did you attend a shower for her? Remember, you have the rehearsal dinner and wedding itself to get through. Don't start testing yourself with a wine tasting bachelorette event. You are still in early recovery, as am I, and I think that would test nearly anyone's limits.
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Old 09-26-2017, 02:49 PM
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Life is always going to give you a reason to drink. Some days there might be more of a reason than others. But it shouldn't matter, if you don't drink you don't drink no matter the circumstances.

Just remember once you open that door to drinking again, you'll find another reason to do it another day, and another, and another. That's how alcohol and drugs work.
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Old 09-26-2017, 05:00 PM
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Thank you so much for all the kind words on this post. It's been a few hours since I posted this and I'm in a much better head space after chatting with my SO (I even had an out loud heart to heart with myself on the way home from work.. it helps even though I look and sound nuts.)

I'm going to the outing and I know I won't drink. I'm going to be with three other ladies that I adore spending time with. We're going to laugh, picnic in the sun, tell stories, gossip, and talk about the impending nuptials (I'm in the wedding.)

Coming here is my therapy. Just for a quick post to process what I'm feeling. Thank you all for reading and commenting!
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Old 09-26-2017, 05:33 PM
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I attended a wedding in SF and the event included a wine tour. As a gift, I rented a van and I drove everyone around. They started drinking about 11a.m. Everyone had a great time and we were safe. I was still drinking then, but I did not miss out on a thing by not drinking that day.
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