Day One for me here...
Sojourner
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Bellingham Washington
Posts: 90
food
congrats to your husband ... so far hes the only man i know or woman i know thats qualified to diagnose a persons condition reguarding addiction.....and you know im gonnna support your useing anything he suggests and especially that you agree without even having to talk this over with god...his tecnique is revo;otionary also giving someone alcohol and asking them to be responsible....where the fruck was i when this method was being tryed out .... i was in the care of some crackpot counseler who demanded abstanance for the first 90 days ...ACK
just say no.... just say no.... for you thats not enough. you need to do no as well.. say no do no....ok... for you .. whatever he needs you loaded for will come up... wait it out then root it out... theres a reason you wont allow youself to become completely independant of what youre a part of....the answer for you is as close as just abstaining from useing over time .....its a fact that the truth allways comes out... embrace that as hope ...the begining of the rest of the life you can bearly see from where you are at begins with grabbing onto the fear that your addiction is backing you into useing with both hands and desensetiseing yourself to it.....youre afraid of an imaginarry pain....its all in your mind...even the world you think exists past the tip of your fingers....its alll created in your mind.....all of it....the light of the sun never goes deeper than your cornea...theres no light in your head...its the thought that its there ....you percieve it....
now consider the world you live in based on the understanding that you place the peices of your life there by holding onto them as thoughts....and know that you could have the life you want just by simply changing your thoughts and holding onto them......YOU....noone else....come out here with those of us who know enough to know youre still inside yourself....
Jesta.
just say no.... just say no.... for you thats not enough. you need to do no as well.. say no do no....ok... for you .. whatever he needs you loaded for will come up... wait it out then root it out... theres a reason you wont allow youself to become completely independant of what youre a part of....the answer for you is as close as just abstaining from useing over time .....its a fact that the truth allways comes out... embrace that as hope ...the begining of the rest of the life you can bearly see from where you are at begins with grabbing onto the fear that your addiction is backing you into useing with both hands and desensetiseing yourself to it.....youre afraid of an imaginarry pain....its all in your mind...even the world you think exists past the tip of your fingers....its alll created in your mind.....all of it....the light of the sun never goes deeper than your cornea...theres no light in your head...its the thought that its there ....you percieve it....
now consider the world you live in based on the understanding that you place the peices of your life there by holding onto them as thoughts....and know that you could have the life you want just by simply changing your thoughts and holding onto them......YOU....noone else....come out here with those of us who know enough to know youre still inside yourself....
Jesta.
Paused
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Washington
Posts: 5,093
(((Jester)))
It's great to have you back and posting again. Congratulations on you upcoming 1 year sobriety celebration. That is a terrific accomplishment. Wow! I do enjoy reading your posts. They make me stop and ponder. Often times, I just do mindless reading. Thanks for the entertaining musings. I have family in Bellingham. It's been forever since I've been in that direction, since I was a kid. Yes, that would be forever ago.
(((NEEDTOBESOBER)))
The thought of never drinking again seemed impossible to me also. Today the thought of drinking seems so very foreign to me. I can't believe that is how I lived my life daily. It seems so unappealing to me today, unimaginable. I can't imagine ever going back to that life style. You can get past that hopeless, helpless feeling. I did and you can too.
I'm coming up on 2 years of sobriety. I find that to be a miracle. I was so lost. I got help through AA. It has changed my life. I would suggest going to meetings. Walk, run, ride the bus, get a ride, just get there. It will help you get past the cravings and deal with the difficult times. If you want it bad enough, you will find it and grab it. Good luck...
It's great to have you back and posting again. Congratulations on you upcoming 1 year sobriety celebration. That is a terrific accomplishment. Wow! I do enjoy reading your posts. They make me stop and ponder. Often times, I just do mindless reading. Thanks for the entertaining musings. I have family in Bellingham. It's been forever since I've been in that direction, since I was a kid. Yes, that would be forever ago.
(((NEEDTOBESOBER)))
The thought of never drinking again seemed impossible to me also. Today the thought of drinking seems so very foreign to me. I can't believe that is how I lived my life daily. It seems so unappealing to me today, unimaginable. I can't imagine ever going back to that life style. You can get past that hopeless, helpless feeling. I did and you can too.
I'm coming up on 2 years of sobriety. I find that to be a miracle. I was so lost. I got help through AA. It has changed my life. I would suggest going to meetings. Walk, run, ride the bus, get a ride, just get there. It will help you get past the cravings and deal with the difficult times. If you want it bad enough, you will find it and grab it. Good luck...
No expectations!
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 8,732
NEEDTOBESOBER,
I can't remember if I mentioned this before, but it may bear repeating anyway. My husband and I were really bad influences on each other back when we were using. Even if both of us decided to quit, when one caved, the other soon followed. I'm so glad that we had some months apart in early recovery. I honestly don't think either of us would have made it if we hadn't. I went to treatment for a little over 3 months. It was either that or jail probably. I was resentful at first, but VERY quickly found gratitude in the fact that I had gotten busted because it saved my life. My husband started going to NA meetings the same day I was admitted to treatment. Even when I came back, we didn't live together at first, although he did introduce me to the meetings in our area in the beginning. Soon, though, I was going to meetings by myself, got a sponsor, and started doing service work, too. Today, we each have over three years clean and sober and, I think, are happily living together. Hope this helps!!
Love and hugs,
Eddie
I can't remember if I mentioned this before, but it may bear repeating anyway. My husband and I were really bad influences on each other back when we were using. Even if both of us decided to quit, when one caved, the other soon followed. I'm so glad that we had some months apart in early recovery. I honestly don't think either of us would have made it if we hadn't. I went to treatment for a little over 3 months. It was either that or jail probably. I was resentful at first, but VERY quickly found gratitude in the fact that I had gotten busted because it saved my life. My husband started going to NA meetings the same day I was admitted to treatment. Even when I came back, we didn't live together at first, although he did introduce me to the meetings in our area in the beginning. Soon, though, I was going to meetings by myself, got a sponsor, and started doing service work, too. Today, we each have over three years clean and sober and, I think, are happily living together. Hope this helps!!
Love and hugs,
Eddie
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Littletown, OK
Posts: 81
Jester.
heh, found myself skipping over posts written in complete sentences. I liked the discordant thoughts, the ebb and flow, just struck a chord...
I'm sure I'll go back and read the others.
Feeding your ego...that's another of those overly personal things...yep, I'll pass on that, too.
Kierra
heh, found myself skipping over posts written in complete sentences. I liked the discordant thoughts, the ebb and flow, just struck a chord...
I'm sure I'll go back and read the others.
Feeding your ego...that's another of those overly personal things...yep, I'll pass on that, too.
Kierra
You'll never bleed like me
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Washington
Posts: 6
eh
my name is ariana and i'm 15...i'm not used to these thread things but my uncle said it would be good to go on this and type out everything.
so a typical day for me is waking up in the morning...I go to the kitchen to get something to eat, and usually theres like nothing there so I get a small attitude with my dad like any other normal teenager would. I tell my dad if he didn't buy all this beer and all of his cigerettes that maybe we could afford food and then i'd gain weight. Since girls made fun of me all the time at school for being "skinny" I've never ever had a eating disorder or plan on getting one, but girls always told me I did.
I hate myself
I point out every single thing i can about myself and dwell on it like some kind of disease. I just want to be like every other teenage girl with "normal" teeth.
I started cutting myself the night my dad and I got in our first real bad fight. My dad told me that he couldn't buy me clothes because he had no money and I always asked him and told him that i had no underwear and i had no pants. He'd always say, " I know we're working on it Ariana." But I knew he wasn't so it would frustrate the **** out of me. So that night I asked him the question again I said to him, "Dad I really need new pants and I'm getting sick of wearing these stupid pants that make me look like a freak because they're too small!!" and by the way...I screamed this. My dad kept yelling the same **** at me as usual so I ran off in my room thinking that he'd leave me alone. I was going through a faze where when i'd cry, i'd scream and howl. (don't ask)...my dad came back in the room SO pissed off and grabbed me and started hitting me.
Things like that just kept happening and kept happening.
until recently my dad wasn't getting drunk and doing these things.
last night was when i realized my dad would NEVER change. my friend aimee was over and we both got in a small fight. we love each other so much so we biccer all the time. My dad got into the middle of it telling me how much of a bitch i am and that i treat people like **** and that i have no friends because of it. So of course it hurt me hearing my dad call me names and why wouldn't it? Aimee knew he was taking it too far and we both ran in my room and closed the door. we went next to my bed and she held me and let me cry on her shoulder while i was trying to flippin breath. my dad left me alone while i was with aimee because she told him off amazingly. if it wasn't for aimee i know my dad would've done more. while i was still crying and all upset i went into the bathroom and locked the door. I had my pocket knife in my pocket so i took it out...it wasn't the first time that i cut myself i do it everytime i can't handle a situation...or everytime i break down over something just feeling the pain takes me away from reality it makes me feel good about myself which is weird i know but its how i feel when i do it. when i do it mywhole body goes numb and i feel like nothing can hurt me and thats exactly why i do it because i just want to hurt myself idk why i even want to hurt myself....but this is how i feel and holy **** is it alot
so a typical day for me is waking up in the morning...I go to the kitchen to get something to eat, and usually theres like nothing there so I get a small attitude with my dad like any other normal teenager would. I tell my dad if he didn't buy all this beer and all of his cigerettes that maybe we could afford food and then i'd gain weight. Since girls made fun of me all the time at school for being "skinny" I've never ever had a eating disorder or plan on getting one, but girls always told me I did.
I hate myself
I point out every single thing i can about myself and dwell on it like some kind of disease. I just want to be like every other teenage girl with "normal" teeth.
I started cutting myself the night my dad and I got in our first real bad fight. My dad told me that he couldn't buy me clothes because he had no money and I always asked him and told him that i had no underwear and i had no pants. He'd always say, " I know we're working on it Ariana." But I knew he wasn't so it would frustrate the **** out of me. So that night I asked him the question again I said to him, "Dad I really need new pants and I'm getting sick of wearing these stupid pants that make me look like a freak because they're too small!!" and by the way...I screamed this. My dad kept yelling the same **** at me as usual so I ran off in my room thinking that he'd leave me alone. I was going through a faze where when i'd cry, i'd scream and howl. (don't ask)...my dad came back in the room SO pissed off and grabbed me and started hitting me.
Things like that just kept happening and kept happening.
until recently my dad wasn't getting drunk and doing these things.
last night was when i realized my dad would NEVER change. my friend aimee was over and we both got in a small fight. we love each other so much so we biccer all the time. My dad got into the middle of it telling me how much of a bitch i am and that i treat people like **** and that i have no friends because of it. So of course it hurt me hearing my dad call me names and why wouldn't it? Aimee knew he was taking it too far and we both ran in my room and closed the door. we went next to my bed and she held me and let me cry on her shoulder while i was trying to flippin breath. my dad left me alone while i was with aimee because she told him off amazingly. if it wasn't for aimee i know my dad would've done more. while i was still crying and all upset i went into the bathroom and locked the door. I had my pocket knife in my pocket so i took it out...it wasn't the first time that i cut myself i do it everytime i can't handle a situation...or everytime i break down over something just feeling the pain takes me away from reality it makes me feel good about myself which is weird i know but its how i feel when i do it. when i do it mywhole body goes numb and i feel like nothing can hurt me and thats exactly why i do it because i just want to hurt myself idk why i even want to hurt myself....but this is how i feel and holy **** is it alot
Sojourner
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Bellingham Washington
Posts: 90
8 mile
everyone the person above thats posting has been invited here by me ... sh is my neice and needs to have a place to put down the thoughts that describe the life she is living....pay attention to her...for me ... i want to help and yet im close to her and dont want to react emotionally before i get some intellect from everyone on this.... welcome her plz...
Jesta.
Jesta.
No expectations!
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 8,732
WELCOME to SR, Ariana!! I used to cut, too. I know the relief it can bring. I would suggest you call social services. You need a SAFE home and you certainly don't have that now. Please ask someone who CAN help you for help!! It's out there. Your uncle is a wonderful person, by the way. You are very fortunate to have him. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers!!
Love and hugs,
Eddie
Love and hugs,
Eddie
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Littletown, OK
Posts: 81
Ariana,
Wow...I don't even know where to start. First thing, you are an incredibly smart young woman to ask for help! Secondly, you have every right to feel angry, hurt and betrayed. There's nothing wrong with you. You should never have to endure neglect or abuse. Ever, from anyone! No one should ever hit you. Period.
Find a safe place to go. Quickly. Don't worry about being embarrassed, ashamed or any of that crap. You've done NOTHING wrong!!! Just go. Now. A friend's house, your uncle...wherever you might be safe. Call CPS...social services and tell them your father has a problem. This is HIS problem, not yours.
Get your family members involved. The one's with whom you feel closest. It's really scary to step into the unknown and unfamiliar, but it's better than being mistreated.
You have your friend Aimee and you have your uncle, so you're not alone. It's really, really important for you to know you're right, because you ARE. Go ahead and scream and howl. It's NORMAL to feel outrage in your circumstances.
So run, darling. Get to a place where you can get a little peace, some emotional support, shelter, food and clothes. Don't worry about anything other than taking care of yourself, because that's what's important.
HUGS, HUGS and HUGS...
Kierra
Wow...I don't even know where to start. First thing, you are an incredibly smart young woman to ask for help! Secondly, you have every right to feel angry, hurt and betrayed. There's nothing wrong with you. You should never have to endure neglect or abuse. Ever, from anyone! No one should ever hit you. Period.
Find a safe place to go. Quickly. Don't worry about being embarrassed, ashamed or any of that crap. You've done NOTHING wrong!!! Just go. Now. A friend's house, your uncle...wherever you might be safe. Call CPS...social services and tell them your father has a problem. This is HIS problem, not yours.
Get your family members involved. The one's with whom you feel closest. It's really scary to step into the unknown and unfamiliar, but it's better than being mistreated.
You have your friend Aimee and you have your uncle, so you're not alone. It's really, really important for you to know you're right, because you ARE. Go ahead and scream and howl. It's NORMAL to feel outrage in your circumstances.
So run, darling. Get to a place where you can get a little peace, some emotional support, shelter, food and clothes. Don't worry about anything other than taking care of yourself, because that's what's important.
HUGS, HUGS and HUGS...
Kierra
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Littletown, OK
Posts: 81
Ariana,
Do not confront your father. If you plan to leave, do it fast and quietly.
Let me share some of my experience with you...
I used to work with a guy, performed community service with him, around him alot. Everyone thought he was okay and trying to be a good guy. I thought he was sad, needy and a little pathetic. He hung around my house alot and I felt sorry for him. Over time, I became aware that all the stories he told about his past were a load of bull. He was single, 50 and started volunteering to babysit my daughter. No way in Hell was THAT ever going to happen! That set off all kinds of warning bells for me.
His actions, behavior and general demeanor were getting more strange by the week. I spoke to everyone I could think of and they blew it off. I started getting called in at work to talk to him because I was the only one who could calm him down. His rants were more frequent and explosive. I was aware that he had paid for 3 kids to attend daycare. I asked him about it. He skirted the question. I asked if he ever watched these kids and he didn't want to answer. Once again, everyone said, "oh he's just being nice." He took time off for vacation, told everyone he was going to visit his daughter and ex-wife. I walked in my office late one night that week and he was tearing apart my desk, wanting to know where his check was...screaming yelling and wild-eyed. He started screaming that he wanted to know where our boss was, if he didn't get his money, he was going to kill the little, fat ******!
I alerted my supervisor, our boss and the cops of my concerns and fears. They asked if I thought he was going to hurt himself. When I said no, I thought he was going to flake out and take out everyone around him...they scoffed.
A few days later I got a call from my supervisor. John had sexually abused the little girl he'd been watching. She had told her mother and Angela confronted him. He executed those kids, chased down their mother, shot her in the head, shot a neighbor, shot his good friend for getting in the way and shot a long-time friend of mine who was one of the first police officers on the scene.
No words can ever explain the rage, sorrow, pain and anguish I feel about what was done to those children and their mother.
Please do whatever it takes to leave the situation and protect yourself.
Kierra
Do not confront your father. If you plan to leave, do it fast and quietly.
Let me share some of my experience with you...
I used to work with a guy, performed community service with him, around him alot. Everyone thought he was okay and trying to be a good guy. I thought he was sad, needy and a little pathetic. He hung around my house alot and I felt sorry for him. Over time, I became aware that all the stories he told about his past were a load of bull. He was single, 50 and started volunteering to babysit my daughter. No way in Hell was THAT ever going to happen! That set off all kinds of warning bells for me.
His actions, behavior and general demeanor were getting more strange by the week. I spoke to everyone I could think of and they blew it off. I started getting called in at work to talk to him because I was the only one who could calm him down. His rants were more frequent and explosive. I was aware that he had paid for 3 kids to attend daycare. I asked him about it. He skirted the question. I asked if he ever watched these kids and he didn't want to answer. Once again, everyone said, "oh he's just being nice." He took time off for vacation, told everyone he was going to visit his daughter and ex-wife. I walked in my office late one night that week and he was tearing apart my desk, wanting to know where his check was...screaming yelling and wild-eyed. He started screaming that he wanted to know where our boss was, if he didn't get his money, he was going to kill the little, fat ******!
I alerted my supervisor, our boss and the cops of my concerns and fears. They asked if I thought he was going to hurt himself. When I said no, I thought he was going to flake out and take out everyone around him...they scoffed.
A few days later I got a call from my supervisor. John had sexually abused the little girl he'd been watching. She had told her mother and Angela confronted him. He executed those kids, chased down their mother, shot her in the head, shot a neighbor, shot his good friend for getting in the way and shot a long-time friend of mine who was one of the first police officers on the scene.
No words can ever explain the rage, sorrow, pain and anguish I feel about what was done to those children and their mother.
Please do whatever it takes to leave the situation and protect yourself.
Kierra
You'll never bleed like me
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Washington
Posts: 6
yea but what you guys don't understand is that i can't leave the situation, its too much of a risk.
my dad would just end up calling the cops and i'd be considered a runaway. then i'd end up back in his house. i know how it works somewhat but i'mjust going to focus on my work and school right now...when i turn 18 i'm gone
my dad would just end up calling the cops and i'd be considered a runaway. then i'd end up back in his house. i know how it works somewhat but i'mjust going to focus on my work and school right now...when i turn 18 i'm gone
No expectations!
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 8,732
Originally Posted by sktrchik25
yea but what you guys don't understand is that i can't leave the situation, its too much of a risk. my dad would just end up calling the cops and i'd be considered a runaway. then i'd end up back in his house.
Love and hugs,
Eddie
You'll never bleed like me
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Washington
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by eddie z.
Who told you that? They told you wrong. YOU call the cops, Ariana, and they can get you to a safe place. I know you FEEL trapped, but you aren't. Look in the phone book. There are all kinds of hotlines for people in situations like yours. Please call for help, OK?
Love and hugs,
Eddie
Love and hugs,
Eddie
David?? 
Sojourner
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Bellingham Washington
Posts: 90
":}
holas
jester no hide anymore
me no need to run from anything.. arianna is doing somewhat ok... as far as i know ... im listening closely to what she says... meanwhile im at a new job in shipping for Ocean Kayak.....weeeeeeeeee in the accessories shipping department.. so if you need something for your kayak then just call for me .....
im struggling with the memories of my past with the Mrss Jester...my mind still has very clear feelings of worrie reguarding trust in our relationship... im not sure weather she is triggering me on purpose in order to test my sensetivity to those feelings or weather she is just being herself and im freaking out unnecessary or weather its really justified for me to worry..... for the most part i just leave her alone ...not like dissing her rather i just ask her for some distance so that i can allow myself to experience the emotions im feeling in order to deal with them.....i call my therapist when i need to and explain everything to him including the dreams i have at nite... i really want to come to terms with the mistrust in our relationship....i know that the use i endured has ****** up my wireing i just need some time and good help in order to bypasss the false alarm signals if thats what they are......so thats kinda it for me up to today......
loves to u all,
Jesta
jester no hide anymore
me no need to run from anything.. arianna is doing somewhat ok... as far as i know ... im listening closely to what she says... meanwhile im at a new job in shipping for Ocean Kayak.....weeeeeeeeee in the accessories shipping department.. so if you need something for your kayak then just call for me .....
im struggling with the memories of my past with the Mrss Jester...my mind still has very clear feelings of worrie reguarding trust in our relationship... im not sure weather she is triggering me on purpose in order to test my sensetivity to those feelings or weather she is just being herself and im freaking out unnecessary or weather its really justified for me to worry..... for the most part i just leave her alone ...not like dissing her rather i just ask her for some distance so that i can allow myself to experience the emotions im feeling in order to deal with them.....i call my therapist when i need to and explain everything to him including the dreams i have at nite... i really want to come to terms with the mistrust in our relationship....i know that the use i endured has ****** up my wireing i just need some time and good help in order to bypasss the false alarm signals if thats what they are......so thats kinda it for me up to today......
loves to u all,
Jesta
Sojourner
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Bellingham Washington
Posts: 90
past the year mark by 3 mos
well made it through another set of life on life events today. going to bed sober tonite only to face another day of day to day life on lifes terms... talked with my higher power too.
so theres just this one thing going on that im not sure how to handle..... that is when i come home and my wife is upset because im in her opinion triggering her to have flashbacks to the days i used, and she is crying and putting it on me which im ready to take on, to the degree that i can only own what i did then ... yet i stay detatched from the feelings im having in the moment to react to her moment so as to not add or get caught up in going back to who i was then and behaving like that now on top of feeling inside like im a complete looser for her crying now.. in my mind i had a long day at work on a saturday to make overtime since she quit her job to let me be the bread winner. and ill be working on sunday doing side work to make some more extra money, and so on ..
so she just went out to get pizza for dinner for us and i came here to try to talk about what im now encountering as a result of being sober and doing the right thing.....
so many holes in this i know most of what will be posted obviously. say it anyway. for some reason i seem to have forgot to work my own program along the way and now ive got my head rammed up the ass of sombody elses program...
yours daily
Jester.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: fumbling towards ecstasy
Posts: 2,551
Yup, Jester. You do know the answer. The best and really only thing we can do is stay clean and sober one day at a time. Some call it living amends - I like that, it shows that we can still make a difference. So... onward. Keep your focus on your own program of recovery and let her keep her focus on hers. You have an HP and she does, too.
Good to see you!
Good to see you!
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