MightyJester160

its been since 10 24 04 that i have been sober well . i fell off the wagon, i know that is what we strive so hard to prevent. so this is where i have to come with that kind of news....


do you guys wanna hear my justification i used we all know the foundation our sobriety is built on we can even see others that like me are destined to fail. you know what i mean. so im on the road warn into the firmenebt by the teachers of today,

i love you all as you have given me the toolds to make it an attempt thatr could have been successful in a way that very few ever see. put the word out that i need support right now. as the disssapoinment of my failure becomes my families burden also and i feel very very bad for having given them this situation to deal with along with me.

yours daily

[JDG]-Jester160

CAPTAINZING2000

Do u c your self as a failure? U r a failure if u think u r. You're a winner if u think u r

We devleop habits to keep us sober. We have habits to keep us drunk. I can go out and drink the same as anyone in here. I don't want to drink. Did u want to drink or, did u want to stay sober.

SLIP= SOBRIETY LOSING IT'S PRIORITY

HOW R U WORKING YOUR PROGRAM, DID U CALL YOUR SPONSER FIRST? DID U GO TO A MEETING THEN TO A BAR? DO U START OUT EACH DAY U GET UP WITH A PRAYER OF THANKSGIVING AND GO TO BED WITH GRATITUDE U STAYED SOBER?

YOU'RE DESIRE TO STAY SOBER HAS TO BE GREATER THEN YOUR DESIRE TO DRINK

Phinneas

((((jester))))

You are a beautiful and courageous person. Welcome back home.

The feelings you are feeling right now will pass with time and, more important, action. Get up, my friend. You don't belong on the floor. We can walk this road together.

Wrapping you and your family in love, prayers and support.

phinny
(jojo)

eddie z.

David,
I don't believe it pays to think this way. None of us can know the future. And we can't judge others' recovery. Anyway, you have NOT failed unless you have given up and that's not what I'm hearing from you. You obviously have hope and you have our support, you know. Keep coming back!
Love and hugs,
Eddie

whatdoiwin?

!

MightyJester160

ok for those that dont know me im an addict... i have done some things id like to tell you about...

feb 2nd 2005 .. my first trip to PACT... its a place you go if you are mentally incapeable of thinking for yourself.... my need to go there was brought on by my useing meth oxycotin and vicodin... and as well as taking a high dose of my risperadal and cogentin...... s o i was a dribbling idiot when the cops got here that day... my parents on jens side and jen all agreed i should go in... so i did... its a 3 day program where you detox...ok so when i got out i was loaded within a matter of an hour or so... for a few days i was out till the 7th of feb i went back in.... jen had called the capt again... they sent an ambulance this time ....

got out and this time i made it till the 17th.... and i was feeling great i thought... however the 3 100 mg oxys and the half gram meth crushed together and snorted followed by 14 750mg vikes... put me over the top by 7 pm ... the ambulance and police came to see me .... i was so far gone when the cops got here that after a few mins of talking they rolled an ambulance and got really quiet... it made me think they were seeing me bleeding and trying not to let on how bad it was so i wouldnt freak out.... they took me in a few seconds...the paramedics ...... i was not even treated like they were trying to find out what was wrong....they just came in with the guernie and loaded me up...
i looked out the back of the ambulance and saw the cop that talked to me first... and to the right was my stoic wife jen....aka...Whatdoiwin. looking at me as i laied my head back and.......died............................
we just got our 3 day notice from the landlord..as i was typeing.... i have only been out of detox this time for 6 hours today.... i went to pact again after my death experience before i dropped the vike and oxys.... i am begging to get into a 30 day live in program called CAP... in fresno the person i need to talk to is Phill. his Ph # is 559 264 2551. thats the general number there you just ask for Phill whae you get an answer....call them ask them to help me .... i am doing all i can in just looseing my life here.. the pain is unbearable... the kids and jen are all gone in spite of the fact that we still live here together... as you know our days are numbered...... when i roll in for my program they will be going somewhere else to start over... without me being a return to their life father husband.

ill post more later...

Yours daily
[JDG]MightyJester160

MightyJester160

i just put down some of the points of most seriousness that have occoured over the past 2.5 months.... how bout i put some more facts into those events .... .. .

when i returned from washington st i went right to the dealer..... i had been 21 days working.. making 33 bucks an hour for my family....for the hope of something better for my family.... i was working way over my ability... in conditions where weather was a factor 6 out of the 12 to 18 hours a day we worked.... i had a company c card.. i used it to purchase myself the proper working clothes. i also bought from the GNC nutrition store a weight gain system that was supplying me with massive amounts of healthy energy and protien and the essentials for muscle regeneration.... i had threaded the needel... we fired half of the workers out there and still hit every labor deadline.... we were kicking asss.... i was feeling stronger and mentally sharper than ever......

my charge on this job was foreman and long distance materials acqusition....from point to point.... wash st to calif.santa maria...
inbetween i would install or help prepare the site for installation of said materials.. wonderfull job... i was in my zone ... sober... anytime im burried in new chalanges in the const feild im where i should be. thats the truth..hence the name Mighty Jester.... Power;Fool....get it hheehe.

i had left calif to start the 3 weeks work i was not aware i was going out for with a pocket full of vikes and 6 oxy 100s ... . i had 20 bucks worth of glass that i wished was crank... had to take what i could in a hurry to get on the road that day....it was 4 pm when i got on the road... i was loaded and scared .. leaving jen and the kids... not having a return date that was firm...... i took a call from the general, thats the father of my best freind who is also like a brother to me and a owner and worker for aeroplate inc. he asked me where i was after i had been driving for 4 hours or so.. asked me where i was i said north of SAC. sacramento ca.. he advised me to hold over at redding due to weather conditions in the Mt Shasta area.
i was in a ford f350 dually 4wd pulling a 20 ft tandem trailor loaded with 12 000 lbs of concrete forms, both in the bed of the truck and on the whole surface of the trailor. very heavy load... so having talked to the general i knew i would reach redding at like 9 pm.... so i was just gonna stay in the truck for the night...it runs on deisel and its roomy ....no problem...
the glass that i was doing on the road pluss the oxys and vikes... caught up to me like .. 8 pm ... i was trying to have talks with jen on my cell on the road... to me it seemed as iff something was not as it allways was where the schedual for the house was concerend..... jen had a timeframe for getting the house down for the night that was hours earlyer than what we had been doing the whole 8 mos i had been home each night.
since i was working on the ranch in fresno for that time i was able to be home every night...and the lack of order we had was now, replaced by the new way i was getting from jen through the phone.. which i did not question. i even asked to talk to the kids to ask them to do as mom says .... daddys not there now to help so they have to do the best they can to get mom the rest she will need.... they fell inline in a few days.... that night though.. the house was sleeping by 8 pm. i had talked to jen last at 6 30 pm i was in a gas station parking lot.... i was worried about the way the trip started for me from what i percieved was weird behavior and comments from matt. my B f and boss.. i talked to jen about that from 5 pm till that filling point [deisel].. about that ... she was reassureing to me that i was not seeing their intended intentions for those comments.. now i realize they were worried about me, they were concerened that the trip would not go well... not that i would be the reason it failed....just that it had the potential to be disasterous....they were right to be in that frame of mind. at 6 30 i talked to the kids and set them on to bath then bed for their part to help mom... and asked jen when i could call back without beeing dissruptive to her plans... she said couple hours..cool... driving i went.....
8 30 pm.. called and August was just going to sleep call back in 45 mins... so i waited till 9 45 pm.. called kids got up when jen was trying to put august to sleep...woke up baby getting them into bed ... now putting baby to sleep AGAIN... she was not upset...house was quiet.. no background noise ....parents with kids know what i mean...5 7 1 year olds are not quiet ....":} 10 45.. i pull off freeway find a deisel stop and to my luck its closeing, good thing when youre length is 45 feet ... truck trailor... i call jen there is some quiet no kids... only tv playing... i try to talk to her intamitly....not phone sex!! romantically ... poetically ... like i often do.. my letters to her are full of words of my feelings for her , which i was trying to get her into a exchange of that nature.. was not welcomed by her from the first sentance... she got distant right away by saying that augie was still moving round .... and the way she was speaking had pauses in between words... she was telling me that it was augie moving around, when i could hear him doing things in the kitchen because the sounds of his playing were on vynal flooring not carpet.. my heart sunk ... i called her on what i thought was going on...told her not to continue with him... she did not start yelling at me for being accuseatory twards her...she got quiet and let me just sit on an open line absorbing the background noise of the two of them having sex...... i hung up the phone.... i called my neighbor...asked him to look over at my house and tell me what he sees.....he says the house is dark accept for the kitchen....i ask what blinds are closed....he replies all them... then i ask well how can he say the tvs not on ... or that theres no candels lit somewhere.... what the **** is going on he asks me why am i bugging him at 11 30 at night about my house... do i have something thats scareing me on my mind..... i say dude dude i think jens doing someone right now ... and she is talking to me on the phone while she is doing it..he laughed at me ...... called me a tweaker... what jen would have said to me if she had known what i was on... or had any understanding of meth at this point in my use.... thats right jen knew nothing of my use of meth or oxys. she was aware that i used Vikes .... i showed her them told her that they helped me relax from the days work.... i never had a reason to tweak on her actions till now nor did i let myself behave awkward in her presence.. i just had not been useing heavily enough for her to see the combination i was useing.... she had never had any reason to question me...i was just 2 weeks clean from drinking a 750ml bottle of vodka each night.... she was so relieved from that stopping plus my meetings every night. she never had a chance to see it... so im on the phone with my neighbor... in response to his question i replied.... dude i only have the glass you got for me earlyer today... i havnt touched it yet....im stopping for the night in a few hours to rest and when its daylight ill use some ... before i go into the mountains,,,,,,, jen is up to something... he says well drive home and see her in person.....i said dude grab your cell and head over to my house ill call you on it as you cross the street ill call her on the other line. you can just tell me what you see or hear and i can repeat it to jen as if im there myself... since all the outside lights were off he agreed to be a concerened freind and have a look from close up.....i called jen back...

she picked up right where she left off at being strange...i asked her where she was, that she would sound like she was walking fast and explaining to me it was augie nurseing himself to sleep...... i was told laying on the couch in the living room.....jen... second line is beeping, hold on a sec ill be right back.. ok . . switched over lines...dude go to the kitchen and look twards the table under the bookshelf......ok going round the porch... looking in the window ..... blinds closed really tight...checking other window.......here we go........oh shitttt.......dave .... you dont want me to say anything more than she is with someone else right now.....you dont....and she is holding the phone....so if youre on the other line then you need to let this go.... you need to let this go......im going home...im not getting into this.... im sory dave.................
i clicked back over devistated... at that moment a CHP unit pulled up to the pumps at the gas station i was at... i was not looking like anything other than a driver who was talking on the phone ... my truck was parked well and i was outside walking at a normal slow pace...... he lowered the pasengers window and said you broken down or dissabled at all.... i said trucks fine trailors fine...im a little tired and trying to finish this call with my wife...half smileing with tears on my cheeks.... he replied after 20 seconds....theres a dennys just inside redding,40 mins from here, get some dinner there and then rest for the night. he was not asking me. i said NP will do...15 more mins here then im headed there..thyou... he started doing paperwork...... i told jen we were done, that i was not gonna make it through the night... and begged her to stop what she was doing.....on the table in the kitchen....she was quiet for 5 seconds...then mad in her tone to respond to me....then worried i was gonna do something bad .....i told her i had to get to the dennys....i was destroyed ... in tears i told her id not hurt myself....it was 2 20 am by then..no remarks from her about her being accused...still....just one plea for me to call a hotline..... the call ended....
i drove to redding and ate then rested till 9 am the next day...i called my therapist at 9 15 told her about the calls..... she insisted that i not talk to jen about any of this again..and she had a Dr that evals her paitients for meds.....i was to see him right after seeing her the day i returned. at that point it was 4 days till then.....i agreed.. i cryed did some glass and oxy and started driving......

the phone call was very long.. approx 11 pm till 2 45 am.... i was going over my feelings of loss and betrayll with her and begging her to stop .... i cryed so hard through that.... it shattered part of me from myself...that will not be the only instance like it.... there are 2 more that happened after i returned from washington 3 weeks later..... this should give you some opening insight as to my situation...

Yours Daily
[JDG]MightyJester160

MightyJester160

well ... i am an addict... this is my story.... i can tell it with more details.... i just thought id try to hover around pulse of it all.....im not trying to glorify use/abuse... of that crap.
i might as well face it... as what i did ... i have to go over every shred of what i can recall...you see i am here in the aftermath.... and i will give anyone who dsnt think its really the way i write it dirrections to my house, where they can begin to see that its really real...
why the hell am i going off on that tangent...because i have to write more of it tonite....just as fked up as the rest... id like to start though ny writeing a poem to my ex wife...

distance has no bearing on souls who exist only when coupled, i recall you, in the moment we lost ourselves, we became the love we never questioned. the celestial equivalent of the creation of the heavens.
our love played as a song in place of what would have taken an eternity to watch or put to words. our song ,our souls, the absence of the existance that was two souls, the exit to eternity. of loyal devotion to you in servtitude of love, i have been washed of my past lives toil at seeking completeion for the mortal i was... replaced by the blessing of having now the most delicate of all of gods creations, entangled into me, absorbing and breathing with me, one breath.. to be asked by god, to replenish youre hearts love at your intention,,,,,,,! to try to love me,,, more than i love you. so that you may never know a moment, that you are less than overflowing with the joy of love.

you have brought me through dreams i could never have understood, as if id thought them up myself, for the means to keep the wisdom it takes in that endevors practice to keep from waining in the slightest measure.... my heart has the capacity to reproduce this rapture,,, into,, the minds eye of other souls. so they may know an existance,, if found for them in their search,, incomp-re-henseably endless. of such joy of completedness theyre is no measure, rahter,,,,, compared to eternity in etheral form where the heavens heartbeat moves them, lest they,we, never be touched.

and that is merely a moment of the time i serve my love, to describe more clearly the truth of our presence of devotion, would take away the words that would describe the suns rise, set, and leave the moon in the sky, known only as the closest star visible only at night.....from earth.

my heart is begging for release in word.... my heart has the dialouge the sands of time hide, for letting such be known through vision onto word gives false witness to something far greater than anything or any time or any place could ever begin to be if it too were put to words. the sum of all three would not even be the opening paragraph, on Love. and as far as i will ever know i express a love through jen that will elude the volume of text required and doubled every day i live in and with her in love with her.

Yours Daily
[JDG]MightyJester160

hopealwayz

(((MighyJester))) Your words are so true and full of emotion. You are doing well. Keep talking about it.

MightyJester160

april fools day... 2005.

i taped my wife putting down my son of 16 mos.... keep in mind that im 8 days sober and 2 da ys from rolling into my 90 day in pait re-hab program.

you might think i was more skilled at getting my drug of choice than the wife at home that never touched a drug in her life...would be at getting her other men in the house and ******* them while nurseing a baby to sleep.. while myself and our 7 yr old daut and 5 yr old son are just in the next room.... awake... doing bed time stories.. and what nots.... and to me it seemed odd that since jen and i are not having sex on any physical level and have not for just over OH...2 ******* months!!!. tha she would stop at the computer i was at to tell me at 9 45 pm, that she might not be getting up after aug goes asleep. which takes 5 mins of the 45 she is usually with him. acting all like he is so difficult to get to sleep... #1 hes out of the room every time within 5 mins if hes just gonna fuss rather than sleep. #1 ive gone to bed with them several times and every time aug is out IN 5 DAMN mins. duh... she had a hole card when i was under the influence ...calling the cops... and she would start talking to me loudly which was my warning that we were headed f or one of those conversations that would lead to her saying that she ddnt feel safe with me in the house.... so i was gonna have to go or the cops would be called... then while im out in the cold shes in here jumpin on the 10 foot pole.... ****** *****..

Ama

(((Jester))))

Dont quite understand - but you sound soo terribly sad....

Firstly you need to stay sober - just for today......recovery takes time but one day at a time everything becomes clearer.

We forget how much hardship we bestow on those we love when we are using and abusing......there is much healing needed in your life and I understand your anger completely.

My daughter whom I threw out last July has just told me that she doesnt want me to have any part again in her life and that has saddened me - I did ask her back but she refuses to and ......ahhhhhh. But I know that in time and in sobriety that she will come back to the nest but I must be patient and "do the RIGHT things". Funnily her name is Sera so "que Sera Sera"........ what will be will be.

Try to focus on postitive things today - the wonderful children you share and not the negative ones please dear Jester.......

MightyJester160

ok serious **** here ...... today im up 3 days on meth its time for me to sleep... as soon as im done here im going to detox at cap... this time it will be for the last time..... no kidding...

i was making the bed when i saw my wife jen .... who is now seeing a gang member from the one of the poorest neighborhoods in fresno... turns out he will be a much better head of household....

ok next time ill get onto what kind of a ****** ***** she is ... been lying the whole time ive been seing things because of the drugs only she was just manipulating me because i was on drugs and seceptable..... *****///// tonite 30 mins ag... i was making the bed to sleep .... i look sideways and right out the window at my freinds car.... i see i mexican with no shirt on.... in the back seat... so i think i must be seeing things ... i go look in the ca r to ma ke sure...... i see my wife being raped .... s he sa ys in a throat clinched voice help me david help me david.... my addrenilin peaks and i go into the house and get my lead pipe......and walk to the car and say......get out of the car and run..... its the only choice you ha ve where you will live.... he pulls a knife out of his pocket and puts it to her neck.... i start pacing around the car.... he needs to exit for me to kill him now..... im waiting trying to make eye contact with my wife to give her a focal point and comfort her with what im saying to her........my freind walks out to his car and before he gets to the car i point to the back seat and say what is this ..... he says a blanket and some clothes from home.... i say are you sure... he smiles and says get to bed i say ok nite and turn to leave ........ i took a look back just to be sure and as i do i see the same guy no putting the knife to his throat saying drive drive ,,,,... stunned a gain i look as he gives me an ok sighn and drives offf....................


the moral of the story is blunt..... how you killl innocent people is by trying to figure out if you should risk the embarrassment of asking a q uestion that may make you look dumbif youre imagineing it.....or leave something as small as say youre fu,,,kinn,,ggg baby just by saying im just seeing things....from the 3 days of meth ive been doing.....


on the bright side.... i looked out the window of my daughters bedroom when i opened the window who was there chewing on grass schutes,,,, jen.... si i look up at the stars and say in between the moon and you the angels get a better view of the crumbling difference beetween wrong and right.....
just as s he looks back i say wheres your soldier... thats what the gang in this shiot hole is dressed like.. and to my delight he lifts his head up from her ,,,,,,,,, , there ...... and just looks at me so i take the oppertunity to talk how i want to this halucination.... i say you disgust me.. and if you ever hurt her i willl shoot through her head if its the only way i can get the bullet into your skull...... he tryed to say sometrhing else...but i just said hey fu;;ck face i should have jumped out th is window and peeled youre fu,,kin.g skulll allready for thinking you were just gonna ta ke my wife from me....... i looked at jen and said oh yeah youre the one who let him fu..ck you so you can have it..


to my delight full suprise it was not a delusion......


yours daily [JDG]MightyJester160

Cathy31

WOW, mightyjester, what an interesting read.

Is meth something you take to get *off* drugs, or is it an actual drug you've been taking? It's a really good post, because if you are actually stoned, you can read it again later when sober.

Drugs and Alcohol, wow they don't do us any favours.

We're here for you. Thanks for posting.
Cathy31
x

MightyJester160

you have 800 posts here and you want to know from the persepctive of a 4 year old if meth is something i take to get off .... jeeeperss.......


acceptance is the answer to all my problems today.when i am distrubed it is because i find some person place thing or situation-some fact of my life unnaceptable to me and i can find no serinity until i accept that person place thing or situation as being exactly the way it is suppose to be at this moment. nothing absoutely nothing in gods world happens by mistake.until i could accept my alcoholisim/drug addiction, i could not stay clean and sober;unless i accept life completely on lifes terms, i cannot be happy. i need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed on me and in my attitude.


detatchment... comes next.... then well ummm im not sure how i will impart with my latest wisdoms at this point.... i can say this for sure .. my future posts will be sought after information here .....


Yours Daily [JDG]-Jester160

hopealwayz

Welcome back!!

MightyJester160

holas all its been 92 days since i felt like my life required me to continue to medicate it to enhance the levels of self denial that i had put in place to allow the toxic relationship that i was a part of to continue to destroy my familys life..... i misss my children so very much and i have a request..


will someone find "whatdoiwin" she is the mother of the 3 most beautyfull children breathing.... that i have not seen in 128 days ..... tell her to come here and open dialouge with me.... ... here in the open ... all eyes welcome to see how this gets resolved ....... god how i love the laws of detatchment and acceptance.... more will be revealed.....


Yours Daily [JDG]-MightyJester160

eddie z.

Welcome back, Jester!! And congrats on 92 days!! That rocks!!

Love and hugs,
Eddie

nogard

Hi and welcome to all of you, congrats on being clean and being here. I am new too, it gets better so hang around and let us know whats going on.


nogard

MightyJester160

im sitting in the public library in fresno ca... on a computer ... sober... i have just come from my anger mngmnt class ... todays topic was jelousy.... wicked stuff ....

the most prevelant thought in my mind was the piece on manipulation... it goes back with jen and i to bellingham wash... when she would get into an arguement with me to validate her reasons to cheat....or as she said not cheat... sex ix sex though...

immideately i go to the personal responsibility part ... my part ... and im able to see the contribution i made in that event.... im not stuck on that though


the sick part is that im pissed i never learned what i know now .... then... though she had a really good idea of who what and where i was durring that time... its not to be left unsaid that she avoided trying to assist me twards the understanding i have now ... back then.... she did .... her only mistake was that she did not realise that the only help you can give an addict is to take him to detox...nothing more...


i really do wish i was able to have the life with her i was given the oppertunity to have.... our children deserved that oppertunity.. so that they understand that everything in life happens for a reason and that jen and i being apart is not as bad as it can get for some couples, i will do everything in my power to provide the best life possible for myself-them.

at this point i have a couple female freinds that are pressing me to let go of jen.... not pressure to let go .... anticipation of me being near them when it happens.. i am 5 mos cele..[no sex] and i am in awareness of my personal power how it feels and what it means to me to not be ready to surrender it to any one ever..... again.... i hope... . it feels good to be able to ignore peoples requests for me to accept their emotional bs or co-sign their drama... i say F U.. and keep right on moving along.....

i am deeply rooted in the teachings of Deepak Chopra right now... i also am schedualed to attend his wellness center this month abd from there everyother week for the next two years...... so until then i just dont see myself extending myself for anyone....i just dont want to ..


intimacy for me needs to be with jen... she is gone and i cannot convince myself as of yet to move on with someone new..... they wont look smell taste think or respond to my touch the way she did ... the way i needed her to for me.... . i feel somewhat responsible for the behavior she displayed at the end of our relationship i was as you may have read above somewhat detatched from reality.... ack im whineing.....

typical addict.. ":}


fu,,ck..ing disease. i have never known anyone loved anyone the way we did.... i dont want to be afraid that accepting someone else means that i have to take on their crap.... .

times up here ":}

Yours Daily

Jester160

eddie z.

David,
I'm sorry that you're separated. I know you're hurting bad. But I'm glad that you are doing the anger management and working on yourself now. You did seem to be a bit "detached from reality" (as you put it) for a while there. And I'm also glad that you're not falling into the rebound relationship trap, too. My opinion is you need to focus on yourself and platonic relationships with other men for now. That way you will be "ready" when you get involved again and you'll, I hope, have a better happier relationship. Keep up the good work!

Love and hugs,
Eddie