together4ever

I've not yet been to AA, debating where to go (church based group ould be preferred). My wife and I have an appointment next week for counseling about the problems with the daughter in law and I'm sure that my alcoholism will be an issue there too.

I have the dates & times of meetings for AA locally, I may go as I know that twelve years ago I needed to take that step and humble myself to do so to open myself to God working a miracle in me...

Thanks for being here, so far my wife and this forum is my support...I'm sober 4 days now, working on 5...

3legacy

((((((((Together4ever))))))))))

eddie z.

together4ever,
Congratulations on four days!! I'm unclear on what you mean by a "church-based group." You mean something other than AA? Or AA that meets in a church? I don't know how it is where you are, but here it doesn't really matter where an AA group meets because it's a "spiritual, not a religious" program. I'm just not sure what you're looking for. But I would suggest you get to SOME kind of support meeting ASAP, even if you don't end up staying with that particular program. I wouldn't waste time deciding where I wanted to go without actually going to see what the meetings were like. Know what I mean?

Peace, love, and hugs,
Eddie

MightyJester160

well im glad to see people new to sobriety posting here, i am just past newcomer but not above still beeing one. welcome ... and remember to ask everyone you might come in contact with for permission to get fcked up and loose control of your emotions in their presence... and if they dont mind well, come here.

so onto a subject i know very well...me and today... seems like ive set off someones sixth sense, yes thats right i have somehow caused my boss to be analitical over my behaviour in his presence. it seems that i am fearing something happening in my life and he is reading that as information he needs to be aware of....so he is paying extra attn to me.

that action makes me worrie that i will arrouse the wrong kind of suspiscion from him..... though i am sober and we are a testing company by policy... he might just not put down his suspiscions at a clean test. we are a close group at work, which means that the left hand allways knows what the right is doing. as i am open to a couple people there about my personal life i feel he will get some caution flags about jumping to conclusions... though he made a comment that i fear might be an indication of his judgment of the situation.....

what it boils down to is simply this.. my neck/shoulder problem,plus the down time durring the week approaching christmas, and my own issues im trying to deal with reguarding trust in my own house, have just taken its toll on me. i am capeable of working, though it hurts,as i am fatigued quickly, i cant say much more than that.. other than i get up face the day sober and go to bed worring bout things out of my hands.

i have been trying to read a couple books by Depock Chopra. they are very good books that have alot of techniques in them for dealing with issues that force their way out at bad times.....


i started therapy tuesday, with a Psychotherapist.. she has a background in education thats suited to the areas i need help..... she is 90 $ per hour and ill be seeing her every week. at least,for what might be as long as two years...im going to try to do my recovery work in therapy that is related to the areas outside my addiction that support it. and im going to begin meetings again to get my step work going, at the request of my thera..p... it would be a major setback if i relapsed now or in the future ahead of me having gotten the time in in both areas to be strong enough to still say no.

the traumas and falicies and abuse and neglect,and so on that i suffered as a youth are going to be hard to re-live....those were times for me i knew i was suppose to protect myself but i was too little to do that. i feel sadness over my whole perspective of life todsy when i remember those things...i will be happy to get back to them and release them.

anyway im going over to my Spin Cycle thread to post as i promised about my therapy.... just know that i am suffering right now and as it shows to the people around me so do they react..


yours daily

[JDG]Jester

eddie z.

((((David)))),
My therapist has helped me some with Step work, too. My therapy and my Steps work well together I think. I'm glad your therapist is encouraging you to get back to yours. The Steps can help you deal with those childhood "issues," too. I don't believe, though, that you have to "relive" those traumas in order to deal with their consequences. Just be aware of them and how they contribute to your character defects. Then go from there. Make sense?

I'm glad you found a good therapist it sounds like. Take care. Oh, about the work situation. If you are clean and "behaving yourself," you don't need to worry, OK?

Peace, love, and hugs,
Eddie

2dayzmuse

Good luck Jester on your road to recovery. May the New Year bring you many good changes and much happiness.

together4ever

Thanks and good luck to all of you. Stay safe & sober today and tonight, God bless...

6 days and happy about it!

eddie z.

Congrats on One Week, t4e!!
And Happy New Year to All!!
Peace, love, and hugs,
Eddie :tongue2:

ChrisMan

Welcome,everyone.

I'm ChrisMan, recovering addict.

It does get better -- one day at a time. Hang in there -- this is a great place to be!

iamjane

hi ! i am jane. i am a addict. i need help !

iamjane

eddie z.

What's up, ((((Jane))))?
—EZ

MightyJester160

hi all newcomers... no matter where you are and no matter what you think is happening... you are sober today and great things are coming your way....i promise....you will have to fix all your fukkkkk ups along the way and we will too... so come here like we do and let us know of your failures and successes........


i thought because the new year was here i had made it out of the rut i was in from 2004.. it turns out that im fukkkked no matter what year it is..at least im in the crap i created and dealing with it as fast as i can .... however i think there comes a time when you have to start telling people to go fukkkk themselves....

youll know these people as your sober days build up... theyll start out trying to be supportive at first .... like everyone who cares about your recovery....not that thats what you should be focoused on... do it for you or stay addicted till you are ready to do it for you....anyway... these fukkkin people that need telling offf ma in fact be someone close to you...someone you thought you knew and could trust....

well news flash. you ma be kidding yourself about how much they are helping you by pointing out things youre up to along the way.....and cutting off behaviours twards you that are a part of your feelings of security...this will really fukkkk with you if it happens to you... it may even make you question weather you are strong enough to survive another minute let alone the rest of your life.......they know they are doing whatever they are doing....because they know just how to do it so as to inflict the maximum response from you in spite of what your instincts are telling you...


make your own choices....you alone are responsible for what you do...noone else...at the end of the day right or wrong its all on you.... so just keeep that in mind....and dont be afraid to tell people close to you that they are just tooo fukkkked up to be around and youre sorry that it took being sober to realize that but now that its out in the open its got to be dealt with and wave bye bye ..... i know for me that i will live alone if i have too from the get go...my kids will allways be the most important thing in my life and my recovery journey will set the path i will choose from at some point after i committ to it the life choices for my happines and continued sobriety......

making the best of recovery does not mean taking anyones shiooooot along the way.. we are only loosers when we die anything before that youre risking a serious asskicking from an underdog at the min if you fuuuuk with us...we know we need to be better decission makers and coming here and not useing are two things we all do that are proof that we can do the right thing when we know we need to. see ,, its simple as that.


when i was a useing addict i was dominated by guilt and a sense of being less than those that were useing restraint to keep themselves just slightly less drunk or high than myself...and calling themselves responsible drinkers.

oh sure im sober now yet i was never one to let myself be steped on by anyone...not that i was an ******* to anyone for just any ole thing.... i take a while to get mad about almost everything....but when im mad .......

i was hiding behind the recompense offered to me in the form of attacks to my charactor by the people who now say nothing of useing to me at all. and i have been trying to take on all the ownership for my part in useing.... look at what i write.. its mostly babble but i dont blame anyone for my pain or the pain i caused......i want to resolve all that once and begin to make good events to remember.....

so im starting the new year off by stayin positive... right.... well its gotten near impossible in the past 2 days of this new year....i just want to die as it is.... i now have to face up to the denile that saved me from the pain of leaving her..... i try to talk like we have a future... i try to be close to her ....yet how i feel about my security and insecurities from worring that i may have done too much damage to her emotionally for us to recover seems as she puts it to be my fukkkking issue and she is not having anything to do with it.....no i suppose i should be a good addict and thank her for teaching me something from that ... then realize that im trying to push the pain off onto her to deal with and not myself...and appologize for burdening her my fukkking wife of alll people with the fukkkkking request for some extra love right now to help me stay strong hearted.... . i know that if you hit a dog long enough it will just start attacking to prevent its own death...it doesnt know its gonna do this though when the beating begins... humans are capeable of much more complicated intricate levels of social emotional comunication..... and though we know im the addict and not denying that i was the abuser....never physical.... could we look at the fact that i have to accept this to begin recovery... and mabe just mabe im worth some extra love in spite of all the pain im trying to make amends for. and all the mistakes i made im trying to mend and so on and so on...that mabe i dont think i should be reduced to begging for love making fearing a breakdown because i cant do any more than agree that i caused you the pain that is now the words you say to me " im just emotionally vounerable right now and i cant be intimate with you".
that leaving me to cope with that on my own as a response to my asking for re assurance because youre crying over the past events has now for me as a sober compassionate man in love with you made me realize the depth of the recovery process that i will be a part of just at seeing how bad only one conversation from our past has hurt you for so long.....





I AM A ADDICT I AM HUMAN I AM WORTHY OF ALL THAT GOD BESTOWS ON BELOVED CREATIONS.... and i am willing to kill myself trying to prove to you that i am staying the course to recovery as a correction to a lifelong event i was born into grew up in the presence of made the choice to continue to use as an adult until 10 23 04.... fukkkk this

i cant say it right when im pissed i knowwhat i want to say because i feel it

and im pissed.... because im being misstreated by the fukkkkking person that has helped me see that i was misstreating everyone as an addict...my wife... and that ffukkking hurts so fukking bad let me tell you.... but will i use .... no


and i will keeep my mouth shut about it ...... because that is my way... yes im afraid of being alone....i love her.... i will not however tollerate being beaten when im laying myself wide open to allow healing to occour...

fukkkk i hate this fukkkking feeling



Jester.

eddie z.

(((((David/Jester))))),
I don't think I really understand what's going on, but I do know you're in pain and I'm sorry about that. I wish there were something I could do to help. I just don't know what to say, except you and your family are in my prayers!
Peace, love, and hugs,
Eddie

MightyJester160

more later today.....tired now :}

eddie z.

David/Jester,
Great to see you again! Was wondering what had become of you. Been on the road, huh?
Love and hugs,
Eddie

hopealwayz

Hi, glad to see your back! Can't wait to hear your story.

ChrisMan

Hi David/Jester...good to hear from you. Keep posting.

MightyJester160

well ive been gone for a while ..... it was not hard to stay sober..the company i was in is very supportive of my descision and were allways willing to listen to me if i needed to talk..... they all manage their addictions still so its kinda awkward sometimes the way i talk about alcoholisim as a disease to a person that drinks but thinks hes not an alcoholic... ":}

it was verry cold up in washington and wet,, the work was heavy construction at the foundation level... as in we put in the footing stemwall and the slab. it was alot of work i tell you... and it felt really good too... ok to the good stufff now...


when i left for wash i was to redding ca when i called home to talk to the Mrs.. something triggered me to the memories i have of fearing that she was on the phone with me and having sex with someone... yes that was a rough timeperiod for me .... we can talk about that some other time..
anyway i was in distress at maxim levels ... driving away from her.... it was 1 Oclock in the morning and i had to decide what i was going to do for myself at the moment i was in what felt like the end of my relationship... so as it turns out i just let out my feelings on the issue to my wife who was aware of the seriousness of the condition i was in and yes she was innocent of wrongdoing..... and yes it scary for her ... she loves me very much though and has learned through alanon and such that i alone am responsible for myself what i think and what i choose to do... so she held her ground against my fears and talked with me till i re assured her i was gonna stay alive and not call her for at least a day till i got through whatever i was going through.. which was hard for her to say though i knew it was me breaking down.... she was doing no more than just trying to talk on the phone....

i got onto the freeway and drove for a few hours north till i got to a dennys where at 3 am in the morning i had breakfast and went to my truck and slept till 8 30 am ..... . i drove to wash and slept on the day i got there then called Mrss that night at about 9 pm

i told jen that i had called my therapist the morning after our Ph call, and told Linda all that had happened, Linda suggested that on my return to fresno i see her and after that i would go see another dr to get started no some meds to help the stattic of thoughts to not be so fast paced and arbitrary so as to overwhelm me like that.. Jen was relieved that i was alive yet she was concerned that the srtenght of the breakdown would mean that i would harbor ill feelings for her on my own and then as i have for a couple of years now keep accuseing her of being with other people and thinking that she has someone on the side now.. as well as making demeaning comments to her about cheating and in general just being an ******* twards her ..... not that i openly call her **** or *****....im a chickenshit who will turn what she says into a negative reply.... implying she is such.

Ok as the days went by we talked each day... it was like i described.... i would listen intently when we talked and analize her speech and ask what she was doing ect ect .... as smart as she is youre about to find out... she was dirrect with me and tryed to be accomidateing as she could be... slowly each call she added more statements about what she would listen to from me and what she would do if i could not be respectfull...

as a manipulator.... at first i would just make inuendos from what she said...or i would just hang up on her mid sentance... then call her back after a while and say i hear things and i just have to hang up...she says just because you want me to accept you hanging up on me as the same thing as you telling me im ******* someone does not mean that i have to agree with you.... if you hang up on me ill just turn off the ringer on the phone... only she diddnt say she would turn off the ringer she just did it .. so after a week of me facing the ringer off when i was a ass twards her, something started to happen... i was calling her parents some nights and talking to them about what i felt i was going through... both her parents have MAs in Psycology,Humanities Computer science and Nursing.. so theres no bullshitting them when it comes to whats going on for me for where i am and how i am reacting to how Jen is responding to me... keep in mind that we all as a family know about my addictions past and how i am as an alcoholic.. so now that im recovering as long as im willing to do the work to get healthy her/our parents support us as much as they can..
as i was saying after a week or so i started to only call jen if i was feeling melloncally or had something specific to say.. so the calls took somewhat of a generic tone at first because i was being indignant twards what i thought was someone who was telling me i dont care what you think about me thats negative...as long as you keep it out of any talking we do...and be nice to me on top of that!..
by the third week i was getting a new understanding of my connection to Jen, i started to say things to her that were romantic and genuinely hertfelt as a result of our love for eachother... meanwhile through this past 3 weeks i was also talking to her/our parents about core issues in myself that were what i felt the begining points of damage in my youth and as a user through my adult life as habits coping mechs or just disfunctnall negative behaviours that have not been corrected....and so on ... and as a result of this effort, continueing to this very moment.. i have given up on the persuit of holding jen under a microscope because i thought she was unfaithfull sometime in our past and i force myself to understand however i need to that my wife in my life is something she chose to be... as freedom of ouselves is one of the only rights we are souly as an individual responsible for. she is an individual soul, who has blessed me with companionship, children and is deddicated to holding our love higher than the sickness i am afflicted with that makes her day to day life a chalange above normal and certainly harder than if she was to seek out someone who would treat her a worlds difference from how i do.... to where i am today i have to say this.. ACCOUNTABILITY what has been happening this past 4 weeks will forever change how i live... how i face life and the situations i havent got to yet.. that word to me a month ago applied to negative consequences coming for me.... because most of my life when i was being held accountable for something it was usually trouble or pain that i had caused.... in recovery however it means something way different.. it means that i have a key to the pain i haved given to the people in my past... for the hurt i caused for the burden i placed on situations that were allready strained.... i can face my past sober... and so can any of us..

when i encounter my wife crying at thoughts of where we have been and she retells the thing thats making her cry .. she is having a hard time today because i walk around just thinking that im not useing anymore so were gonna have a good life from now on... wrong... she tells me she has broken connections with me because she had to stop the abuse from inflicting pain.. and how can i explain to her that if she can re connect that she wont be hurt again... i go back with her to that time ... i validate her feelings for having gone through it ... i appologise for crossing the boundries that i did try to explain that i know she was not provokeing me and that it wasnt her fault.. that of all the choices i could have made i chose to use alcohol/drugs, rather than being strong and doing the best i could for our family. she is not at fault for what i did or how she was treated by me.
i take those oppertunities to go back and be accountable serious now and thats when she will see weather or not for herself if i can be trusted again.. do i understand my part in what happened that was wrong.. and am i sory and do i feel the situation for what it is... enough so that i can say i have learned from what we now are speaking of so that in the future, as i face life as her husband and our childrens father and as me ...a good man, will these negative actions and drugs and alcohol be a choice i go back to in place of just doing the best i can...will i justify my way back onto a users path. no she has her freedom as she allways has and our children are deserving of the best life as we can provide from putting forth our best effort.. together or single she has the final choice as to weather she will stay or go... i have to be accountable for my choices... i can make bad ones that will take apart my life... or i can make good ones that will keep me really frikin busy here and with her parents on the phone ,,, and still wake up at home where the kids are allways too loud and my favorite snacks seem to allways get eaten first.. heh

accountability....... remember that when youre talking to someone that needs to quit drinking... and you think youre running out of things to say to them that will get their attention....

Yours Daily
[JDG]-Jester

eddie z.

This is great news, Jester! And are you seeing Linda next week, too? I hope that helps keep those thoughts from your mind. I was really worried about you there for a while. Welcome back again!
Love and hugs,
Eddie