kel08

well, since I had a little slip after my sober time, of which I truly believed was a slip and I would pick back up again...well yeah, that didn't happen. I went into a full blown relapse. I was drunk at least a day a week, with excuses for it all, when there is none. I even convinced myself that I didn't have a problem, I was jut having a drink on the weekend. Except it wasn't, because the next day I woke up and the only thing that got me going again was another drink. So then I spent an entire day drinking the next day, making the anxiety the following day unbelieveable.

I went full circle, because I know I have a problem, it wasn't managed, I wasn't just a weekend drinker and could have been worse. Because I was getting hammered and blacking out and having beer at 10am to get me started for the day. Which resulted in me being drunk by 2pm and dozing on the sofa the rest of the day.

I feel like something is broken since last time. I don't know what it is. today I woke up once again thinking I need a life sober and want to commit to it fully. AA is not an option due to circumstances, I am a single parent and my fear is someone will be at a meeting and know this and report me. When in reality my children are very well cared for, and I really mainly drank excessively when I didn't have them. it would need to be something online based and the meetings here are at the wrong times for me to attend due to time difference.

I'm aware my spiral is starting and I'm not willing to go down it, because the fact I haven't cared lately and accepted I want to be allowed to get drunk, seems extremely scary. This is the time I have to get serious as I'm staring down a horrible path.

ive been incredibly honest in this post. ive had to just come clean and not hold back.i can not have another single sip of alcohol again, it will kill me, or kill my relationships with my kids and family. I'm not willing to give those things up. ive dreaded posting this and admitting to failure, but I had to be accountable for it.

Stubbs16

Feel your pain. I too, realise I can not drink, ever again. Its good you posted. Reread this, whenever you get tempted. Its something I need to do, as well.

RDBplus3

Thanks for the post kel,

We have to return to the Solution. You are doing that. As we keep returning to the Solution, it becomes What Defines Us, and the old behaviors define us less and less.

RDBplus3 ... Happy, Joyous and FREE ... and I KNOW U Can B 2

tomsteve

we are ALL allowed to drink.
many of us chose to allow oursleves a life without alcohol.

kel08

i guess I mean that I wanted to not be accountable. To be numb to it and bury my head in the sand and convince myself I didn't have a problem. When its glaringly obvious I do. I don't know if I'm an alcoholic, or I abuse alcohol, whether those cross, or if it even matters. Alcohol is behind every bad thing that has ever happened in my life. I don't have a physical dependency yet.....yet. Its just all been exhausting and big horrible mess for the past month, and I'm so very very tired right now.

tomsteve

it reads like ya wanted to remain in denial?
dont get hung up on a label- alcohol is causing problems,right? its the common denominator in your problems,right?
so, onto solutions.
do you want to stop drinking for good?

AnvilheadII

i have never heard of anyone who attends AA meetings, being "reported" for doing so. i don't think taking sober actions has the potential to be a problem where your children are concerned, but i do think the continued drinking WILL be.

whatever you decide, commit to not drinking again ever. you will then have absolute 100% assurance that drinking will not cause problems in your life.

kel08

I think I was just so tired that I at some point just wanted to give in than keep fighting what felt this enormous battle. That's a honest as I can be. But then yesterday I had such a moment of 'no, I want to fight this, I just need to get my strength back'. I do want to stop drinking for good, I have to, for me and for my kids. I loved my time sober and how easy life was, I want it back. I want my peace of mind back, knowing I can wake everyday with my head up and not checking phones and searching through foggy memories before its too late

kel08

Thanks for that, maybe I could look at going further afield perhaps. Going to my doctor is not an option. I'm due back for some cognitive behaviour therapy and think this is the best way forward. when I had my longest time sober, it played a big role. I had 4 months, monumental time for me. I am incredibly serious about living sober. I just lost my way somehow this past month. its devastating, but I know I cant look back, I can only look forward. This life right now isn't worth living for however many years. The sober time was my happiest and I looked better and I was focused. I need it back, and for good

Delizadee

Anvil got it right. Make the decision to get sober and stay sober and that worry will fall away.

I was once in your shoes. Now my young daughter who is almost 5 has been attending meetings with me since last fall. It's the only way I can make it work most of the time, but once I realized that continuing to drink was much worse than taking my daughter to meetings it gave me the courage to really commit myself.
I also attended a very intense 6 week inpatient treatment WITH my daughter.
This was a very unique opportunity and one that I was so grateful to have access to and go through and learn to be a better, sober parent.

I really have no excuse from my standpoint. All addictions services and treatment facilities where I live are government funded. It just took me a very long time to find a location to be able to live and have access to the treatment.

Don't give up, don't be afraid, and whatever you do don't let your children hold you back from getting help. The best thing you can do for them is take care of yourself. You're allowed to use them as a motivator to take the plunge to get started. As long as you can figure out you're worth it, you're a good mom, you deserve to be sober, healthy and happy so that you can be a good example and a loving place and person who can overcome anything.
You are worth it. And it does get better. I promise. Have faith. You are not alone.

Love and hugs,
Del

thomas11

I'm not going to label you an alcoholic, but the above is alcoholic behavior to a tee. We all want to convince ourselves we don't have a problem and ignore the fact that we do, and we don't want consequences either. That's what makes us alcoholics. There are many ways to achieve sobriety and you know the good people here will help you with that. But you must buck up and stay the course. If you have a chance read Dee's post on Commitment. Its 100% accurate.

PhoenixJ

Post here obsessively

Lava256

I agree with this....

Lava256

I know, right? I totally resonate with your situation since i'm more or less in the same boat. Slipped up and got dragged back into a full blown relapse, yet my happiest time was when I was sober. I too, have a child, although i'm not a single mum.

It's hard, tough, but we have got to do it. Someone here once said about drinking, 'down that road is the path to hell', and there isn't anything more apt. Dig your heels in and give it your best shot. You've done it before and you can do it again - for good this time. You deserve better.

MariahGayle

Great decision to move forward in sobriety kel! It's one I never regret be kind to yourself, you can do this!

Delilah1

Hi Kel,

I'm glad you are here and posting. You can definitely do this. Dee's link about having a recovery plan is s great one, and it's really true. SR is a great part of that, but you need to figure out exactly what you need to remain sober. I'll post his link below.

You may want to join the July thread, it is a great way to get support from others who have committed or recommitted to sobriety this month. Another good thread on here is the 24 hour thread, you can check in each day and commit to 24 hours of sobriety.

Looking forward to seeing you on here.

Delilah1

Here is Dee's link about plans.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html

Lava256

I meant I agree with THIS. I'm sorry, I used my phone to respond and didn't reference properly the post I was commenting against.

Again, best wishes and hugs.

Lava256

Oh, thank you. Why do I ALWAYS need this????

nova84

Hi Kel,
I too am fearful of repercussions from attending local f2f groups so I have been using an audio book (you can get it in a paper book) called The 30 Day Sobriety Solution, it also has a companion website. Maybe search it online and read the reviews. I have found the daily action steps in the programme extremely helpful.

Wishing you well on your recovery journey x