sunshine27

I'm drinking again. I fell off the wagon again last week and I'm only drinking to sleep. My family is pretty much not supporting me at all. I've been drinking today and I really want to be done.

My sister's wedding was a nightmare (funny I only had three drinks at it) but that's not what caused me to want to drink. It was after my house guest for the wedding left. I was alone again. I wasn't drinking a lot at first but then I started day drinking again to sleep and ease anxiety. Yesterday my sis and I got in a fight. It was really more her raging at me btw. Long story but she was yet again projecting on me for her shortcomings. My Lord I want this to stop!

I'm finishing this beer and going to bed and when I wake up if I feel bad I have hydroxydine. I already dumped out half the pill because it puts me down so bad. I want my life back. I want to eat. Silly as it sounds I used to be an avid hula hooper and I haven't touched a hoop in a long time. I miss that. It makes me feel good especially when I achieve a new trick

I'm scared of what my body is going to do in the next 48 hours but maybe that is one of my problems. I need to not worry so much. I will go to the ER if I feel like I need too!!

doggonecarl

Maybe you need more support than Sober Recovery. Substance abuse counseling? AA? IOP? Rehab? Something, because what you've been doing hasn't been working. And if you truly want to be sober, are desperate to be sober, you have to be willing to do whatever it takes.

Are you at that point yet?

Anna

Many of us drink to self-medicate anxiety, insomnia, depression. I did, and like you I found out that it made things so much worse. It's okay if your family doesn't support you. It's very hard for others to understand how difficult it is to deal with alcoholism. That's why we are here. We understand. It might be an idea to distance yourself from your sister for awhile if she is toxic towards you. It might be an idea to consider more help for yourself and as you said, to head to the ER if you need it.

And, I love hula hooping. I took it up again with my grandkids and had the most fun.

VigilanceNow

Hey there sunshine! First of all, kudos to you for coming out and admitting it. Drinking is a vicious cycle - we all know that, and I know it all too well, believe me. You need some kind of support to prevent you from picking up the first drink, because then the drink becomes your solution to everything - boredom, anxiety, sadness, insomnia... And though we know that alcohol both causes and exacerbates all these symptoms, our alcoholic insanity pushes us to get a quick fix.

I would suggest finding multiple support networks. Get to an AA meeting and tell them you need a sponsor. Find a therapist for your anxiety, or an addiction counselor. They are great, as they are often recovering alcoholics/addicts themselves.

Good call on going to the ER if need be. Do some slow breathing exercises and don't get too anxious (easier said than done I know). Find some way to reach out to someone when you want to pick up the first drink so you avoid unleashing the cycle!! It's hard but not impossible :-)

sunshine27

Thanks guys. I have an appointment with a therapist tomorrow. I slept some but I guess I'm not looking forward to even the next 24 hours. I do think if I can get through that I'll be doing a lot better.

I'm not a fan of AA. I'm looking for another group to attend I guess. Honestly a church service 4 days a week would be just as good. AA depresses me and makes me want to drink. I know it helps a lot of people but that is just what it is for me. I actually had someone make a nasty comment to me at a meeting because I was still taking Klonodine at only three days after quitting back in February. I can kind of understand why he did but this is my path and not for anyone to judge. I also hate pills. I will endure a massive headache for quite a while before I reach for the Advil.

All I know is I'll make it through this. I just need to break down, take the hydro and ride out the next 36 hours. I have a funeral on Thursday that I really need to support my aunt at. My family is still not checking in. It makes me think they are all on the phone talking to each other instead of on the phone talking to me. I so want to share what I know and what I'm going through but my mom and two sisters are both BPD and my dad is mad I am going through this again. He doesn't want to see me as having a problem. I also think I am his favorite (people have told me this) so this is really hard to see me destroying my life. What he doesn't understand is I'm trying to get better.

I'm slowly forming a plan. Need a bit more of a clear head. I'm getting there especially after some sleep with two dream cycles. Weird ones at that.

sunshine27

Anna, check out @dyejunkie on instagram. It's a lot of hula hoop fun.

Dee74

Some great ideas for plans here Sunshine

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html