Jillian2563

I don't know why I think that I can drink normally. One turns into I don't know how many. I feel like crap physically and emotionally. Why is it that 3 days sober goes by so slow, but 4 days of drinking fly by? I wish I could break this cycle, my health depends on it. My family deserves better. I deserve better. I will never be able to get into shape if I continue to drink. But then I get discouraged and depressed and say F it, I might as well drink if I can't get in shape. It's a vicious cycle. I am sure there are other emotional issues that pushes me to drink, but self esteem is a big one right now, especially with summer around the corner. And then I look at all the people that can drink normally and get jealous. What the hell is wrong with me?

Nonsensical

Your post makes it seem like you're addicted to alcohol.

What are you willing to do to break the cycle?

Horn95

You are an alcoholic. What you are going through is common. Nearly no alcoholic quits cold turkey without relapses, and lots of help. Just start over.

MidnightBlue

Jillian, nothing is wrong with you.

Some people are more vulnerable to alcohol effect than others.

We get addicted.

The earlier you admit that "just one" always turns into a binge - the better.

I used to be jealous of "normies" too.

"Why me?"

Now, 4.5 years in sobriety, I don't care.

It's like as if I was beating myself over color of my eyes or height.

I get the cards the life handed me out and learned how to make the best game of it.

Believe me, there are tons of awesome things in life. And alcohol is not among them.

Choose a plan that appeals to your most and stick to it. Doesn't matter what. One day at a time. It gets better.

Best wishes to you.

Berrybean

I used to be jealous of the normies as well, but then I can see that I have a lot to be grateful for in recovery that others might wish they could have or do. There are worse things to have than alcoholism. We can live with alcoholism - happily as well if we stay sober and work on our recovery.

meowychristmas

I think it's always that we tell ourselves, "This night of drinking will be different...I'll be in control" Which is total horse poop. We need to accept and believe that we just don't know when to stop drinking. You're right, one is never enough. And one will always lead to way too much and even more regrets.

Hitch

Quite true, I've had plenty of relapses over the years and dwelling on them isn't helpful. You can't change your past only the future.

How many relapses?

I've no idea, I was too drunk to keep count.

Anna

You are addicted to alcohol. It has hooked you. It convinces you that you are not successful, not in shape, etc and then you go back to it. I did the same thing with the vicious cycle and it was so frustrating. You need to be brave and take that first step out of the cycle. There will be some suffering involved, but it will be worth it. And, you will be able to the person you want to be.

ScottFromWI

If you are like the rest of us, there actually are no other issues than "push" us to drink other than the fact that we are alcoholics. Our addiction loves to send us on endless fact-finding missions to figure out WHY we are the way we are - but in the end it's just helping us find reasons/excuses to drink again.

Unconditionally accepting that you are an addict/alcoholic was the only solution that worked for me. At least that was the first necessary step.

You've had some sober time before and were seeing a therapist about it too - have you seen them recently? It seems you've mostly used external motivations to keep you from drinking in the past - for me i needed to provide the internal motivations myself.

soberclover

You like many of us, have layers of issues in terms of our alcoholism. For me, I needed to engage in counseling with a therapist so that I could address with a professional my issues. I also needed to learn other ways to deal with stress rather than drinking. For that, I spent a lot of time here on SR as well as going to AA meetings. For me, it was a way to learn how others dealt with stress.

FreedomCA

You are right about staying fit. Being fit is so important to me, and I know I can't stay fit and drink. It is one of my top 3 motivations to not drink, the other 2 being family and career.

Jillian2563

I quit going to the therapist for a couple different reasons; $$ and anonymity - she was married to someone we met at auctions and he said he knew me (from her). I don't have insurance so it makes it harder to find one I can afford.

ScottFromWI

Was it helpful while you were going? I know there are lots of sliding-fee and lower cost options out there.

Have you tried AA or any other local recovery groups like Life Ring/Smart/Celebrate Recovery, etc?

I think the bottom line for me was that was really an expert at finding reasons for why things would NOT work ( not enough time, not enough money, "not for me", etc. ). Focusing on what will work helps a lot.

Jillian2563

I don't feel like it was helpful really but I didn't get too far with the sessions.

I have gone to AA but haven't stayed to talk to anyone or ask for a sponsor.

I seem to do things half heartedly. (If that's even a word).

soberlicious

Hi Jillian,
Yes, half heartedly is a word.

You might be interesting in reading about AVRT. It is a technique many use for quitting alcohol for good.

Re: therapy, I found it to be very helpful after I had quit drinking. While I was still drinking, not so much. I found the alcohol had to be put down for good before I could make any meaningful effort toward working out other issues.

Femaleboss1980

This is like im reading about myself i binged satyrday night (i dont drink spirits but i did Saturday) felt terrible since guilty horrible etc
Beating yourself up doesn't help but know youre not alone x

Jillian2563

Yeah, you're right, I wasn't fully sober when I went to therapy.

Sasha4

I spent thousands on a private counsellor.
I was searching for some answers about why I drank so much.

The reason I drank so much was that I liked drinking.
That was it.
I wish I had saved my money.

I went to AA which was free.
I mostly listened and learnt from others.

Throw your everything at beating this.
Do whatever it takes to stop drinking.

I wish you the best xx

Midwest1981

I had a lot of day 1's too Jillian. Then eventually I decided enough was enough and I haven't looked back.

I kept reading and posting here. It was a battle until I accepted where the 1st drink leads me.

Did you join the May class? That helps having the support.

Also there are a lot of good threads in the women's section.

Berrybean

I can think of plenty of people I know who say that the first time the came to the rooms of AA it didn't work because they weren't ready to put the work in. They wanted an easier and softer way, and weren't really willing to put in a whole-hearted effort.

I too wondered (at 6 months) why I was feeling worse and worse instead of better and better, and finally realised that I was just going to one or two meetings a week and sitting there with my coffee waiting to be sprinkled with the sobriety fairy's recovery dust. I hadn't been willing to engage in the program. Get a sponsor and do the work so I could actually start a dressing my alcoholic thinking and gain a new, healthier, saner and happier perspective. Once I became willing and got a sponsor and started doing the work, things started getting a whole lot better for me.

As it says in the Big Book of AA (Chapter 5: How it works) '... Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completelygive themselves to this simple program , ...'

The bolding /italicised /underlined words are my doing, not the Big Books. I did this because it took me SO long to spot them myself. Thoroughly. Completely. Thats why that have written on a card in AA meetings 'It works if you work it '. When we are trying to recover from an addiction then there are no easier and softer ways. The things that seem to be so are just extended torture. Dragging it out. Staying in the abyss. We can get better when we decide that it's time to stop digging a lower rock bottom for ourself. Each of us gets to choose how deep our 'bottom' is.

If you want to read all of How it Works, you can find it here (free to read)... https://www.google.co.uk/url?sa=t&so...Q9i4YyxYU1EEIw

You may decide that you don't want to give AA another shot, and that's entirely your call. Dee has put together a great thread about making a plan for recovery which has some great ideas and threads on it.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...y-plans-1.html
But whichever route you take, a half-hearted approach is unlikely to be enough. You deserve better than the extended misery that half-hearted attempts and easier and softer ways will give you, so I hope that you will make the decision to do things a bit differently this time.

Wishing you all the best for your sobriety and recovery. BB