It's just dinner.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,109
It's just dinner.
Those are the words I kept hearing last night when I was getting pressured from my bf to go join our friends (and drinking buddies) at the local bar down the street from my place. Finally I said to him, no it's not "just dinner", it's me going to my local watering hole on St Paddy's day with my favorite drinking buddies. Stop asking me to go with you, I have quit drinking and I don't want to go be uncomfortable pretending that watching everyone drink is ok with me. It's not. To his credit he knocked it off immediately and apologized. I told him that I still want to go out and do things and see our friends but not in a bar and not on St Paddy's day. We can arrange something where drinking isn't the main focus and activity.
My AV was in full cheer leading gear chanting DO IT! DO IT! DO IT!
I'm still upset with him though..... what is he trying to sabotage me or something? What doesn't he get about it?
I ended up telling my friend who was also texting me trying to get me to come out. Told her that I'd love to see her but that I won't drink with her..... suggested lunch one day this weekend. She hasn't replied.
My AV was in full cheer leading gear chanting DO IT! DO IT! DO IT!
I'm still upset with him though..... what is he trying to sabotage me or something? What doesn't he get about it?
I ended up telling my friend who was also texting me trying to get me to come out. Told her that I'd love to see her but that I won't drink with her..... suggested lunch one day this weekend. She hasn't replied.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
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Good for you for being your own advocate!!!
As for him...they just don't get it. To normies, it's zero deal...it's like if everyone else ordered steak and you ordered chicken. He doesn't get that at some point, you're fighting the urge to stab someone in the eye with a fork because you want steak that badly.
At least he had the decency to back off and apologize.
It really isn't sabotage, it's just being clueless.
Carry on with your rockstar sober self!
As for him...they just don't get it. To normies, it's zero deal...it's like if everyone else ordered steak and you ordered chicken. He doesn't get that at some point, you're fighting the urge to stab someone in the eye with a fork because you want steak that badly.
At least he had the decency to back off and apologize.
It really isn't sabotage, it's just being clueless.
Carry on with your rockstar sober self!
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 1,462
Zenchaser,
I would t be mad with him. ive been married thirty years and have had many conversations about what it like to be an alcoholic with my wife. She tries to understand but I really don't think you can understand unless you are one. It's great that you stood up for yourself. You should feel great about that.
I would t be mad with him. ive been married thirty years and have had many conversations about what it like to be an alcoholic with my wife. She tries to understand but I really don't think you can understand unless you are one. It's great that you stood up for yourself. You should feel great about that.
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Maryland
Posts: 92
Pat yourself on the back for ignoring that screaming AV. If anything positive came out of your evening last night it's that you proved to yourself you are stronger than that voice in all our heads saying it's OK, just drink. Well done!
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Originally Posted by Mattq2 
Zenchaser,
I would t be mad with him. ive been married thirty years and have had many conversations about what it like to be an alcoholic with my wife. She tries to understand but I really don't think you can understand unless you are one. It's great that you stood up for yourself. You should feel great about that.
I would t be mad with him. ive been married thirty years and have had many conversations about what it like to be an alcoholic with my wife. She tries to understand but I really don't think you can understand unless you are one. It's great that you stood up for yourself. You should feel great about that.
Quitting is not easy.... I have arranged my life in such a way that I've surrounded myself with people who will enable my addiction. Sitting home by myself on a Friday night isn't good either, I can't hide forever. I was going to go to a refuge recovery meeting last night but instead I went to be early. I didn't feel like leaving the house and crossing the city on St Paddy's day and seeing all the people out celebrating and getting loaded. Not because it would make me want to drink.... I do not want to drink, I feel way way better without it, but because I just don't want it in my face. I want no part of it.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 1,462
I don't know how much sober time you have. I am approaching nine months. I am starting to go out and do things and have fun again (without drinking). You will be fine. If you are early in sobriety and staying home is what you feel you need to protect your sobriety then do it.
Your goal is to be sober for the rest of your life. That's a long time. Do things like gong out to dinner and vacations will get better and better. Just follow your instincts and your plan . Everything will get better
Your goal is to be sober for the rest of your life. That's a long time. Do things like gong out to dinner and vacations will get better and better. Just follow your instincts and your plan . Everything will get better
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,476
Originally Posted by zenchaser
Those are the words I kept hearing last night when I was getting pressured from my bf to go join our friends (and drinking buddies) at the local bar down the street from my place. Finally I said to him, no it's not "just dinner", it's me going to my local watering hole on St Paddy's day with my favorite drinking buddies. Stop asking me to go with you, I have quit drinking and I don't want to go be uncomfortable pretending that watching everyone drink is ok with me. It's not. To his credit he knocked it off immediately and apologized. I told him that I still want to go out and do things and see our friends but not in a bar and not on St Paddy's day. We can arrange something where drinking isn't the main focus and activity.
My AV was in full cheer leading gear chanting DO IT! DO IT! DO IT!
I'm still upset with him though..... what is he trying to sabotage me or something? What doesn't he get about it?
I ended up telling my friend who was also texting me trying to get me to come out. Told her that I'd love to see her but that I won't drink with her..... suggested lunch one day this weekend. She hasn't replied.
My AV was in full cheer leading gear chanting DO IT! DO IT! DO IT!
I'm still upset with him though..... what is he trying to sabotage me or something? What doesn't he get about it?
I ended up telling my friend who was also texting me trying to get me to come out. Told her that I'd love to see her but that I won't drink with her..... suggested lunch one day this weekend. She hasn't replied.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 1,462
Zen,
For me life is really turning back to normal. Yeah sometimes when I go out and I see someone drinking , I think yeah that would be nice, but it doesn't last long and has little power over me. It is slow going and some days are worst then others. I just don't want you to think you won't have fun doing things sober because you will. It just takes awhile .
I estimate that I had around 42 day ones over this last 14 years of drinking. What made day one the 43rd time diffrent? I know SR was a big part of it but more importantly I never gave up.
Your doing good. Be vigilant my friend
For me life is really turning back to normal. Yeah sometimes when I go out and I see someone drinking , I think yeah that would be nice, but it doesn't last long and has little power over me. It is slow going and some days are worst then others. I just don't want you to think you won't have fun doing things sober because you will. It just takes awhile .
I estimate that I had around 42 day ones over this last 14 years of drinking. What made day one the 43rd time diffrent? I know SR was a big part of it but more importantly I never gave up.
Your doing good. Be vigilant my friend
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 2,654
Oh Zen, absolutely yes, we all do understand. My husband, like your BF, never drank so often and so much, that the trip switch was deactivated, unlike me, I'm never satiated. Used to be, many years ago, couple of drinks and I was satisfied, but I crossed that line and the neural networks were rerouted.
A few years ago, when I was trying AA, to assist, me my husband (who hardly ever drinks) stopped drinking........for two years! Oh the irony, I continued drinking, whilst my husband (who didn't need to stop) stopped drinking by symbiosis!
But back to you, you are doing so well recognising your AV and maintaining the distinction between the Booze Beast's desire (drink, drinks and more drinks full of ethanol) and YOUR decision (no alcoholic drinks).
The Beast is just a sad old neural circuit which has passed its sell-by date and has been discarded; leaving you free and liberated.
I do hope your friend gets back in touch.....but try not to dwell on it, after all, if she's unwilling to meet up at a non-drinking venue, what does that say about her relationship with alcohol?
Now that you're a non-drinker, your BF and friends will, given time, accept that status. It's sad really, the prevalence of alcohol in social interactions. I actually wouldn't attend an event, unless alcohol was available; unbelievable to reflect back - choosing social engagements by ethanol presence or not. It's such an illusion portrayed by the advertising industry, they don't portray folks suffering hangovers, debilitated, depressed, anxious, defeated, or dying of alcohol caused illnesses.
A few years ago, when I was trying AA, to assist, me my husband (who hardly ever drinks) stopped drinking........for two years! Oh the irony, I continued drinking, whilst my husband (who didn't need to stop) stopped drinking by symbiosis!
But back to you, you are doing so well recognising your AV and maintaining the distinction between the Booze Beast's desire (drink, drinks and more drinks full of ethanol) and YOUR decision (no alcoholic drinks).
The Beast is just a sad old neural circuit which has passed its sell-by date and has been discarded; leaving you free and liberated.
I do hope your friend gets back in touch.....but try not to dwell on it, after all, if she's unwilling to meet up at a non-drinking venue, what does that say about her relationship with alcohol?
Now that you're a non-drinker, your BF and friends will, given time, accept that status. It's sad really, the prevalence of alcohol in social interactions. I actually wouldn't attend an event, unless alcohol was available; unbelievable to reflect back - choosing social engagements by ethanol presence or not. It's such an illusion portrayed by the advertising industry, they don't portray folks suffering hangovers, debilitated, depressed, anxious, defeated, or dying of alcohol caused illnesses.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,109
Originally Posted by Mattq2
Zen,
For me life is really turning back to normal. Yeah sometimes when I go out and I see someone drinking , I think yeah that would be nice, but it doesn't last long and has little power over me. It is slow going and some days are worst then others. I just don't want you to think you won't have fun doing things sober because you will. It just takes awhile .
I estimate that I had around 42 day ones over this last 14 years of drinking. What made day one the 43rd time diffrent? I know SR was a big part of it but more importantly I never gave up.
Your doing good. Be vigilant my friend
For me life is really turning back to normal. Yeah sometimes when I go out and I see someone drinking , I think yeah that would be nice, but it doesn't last long and has little power over me. It is slow going and some days are worst then others. I just don't want you to think you won't have fun doing things sober because you will. It just takes awhile .
I estimate that I had around 42 day ones over this last 14 years of drinking. What made day one the 43rd time diffrent? I know SR was a big part of it but more importantly I never gave up.
Your doing good. Be vigilant my friend
The social aspect is going to be a learning curve and I'm sure I will have more challenges like last night. The hard part is going to be making new friends and finding what I want to do with all this time that I have on my hands now......
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,476
Originally Posted by zenchaser
Exactly CreativeThinker..... a liquid lunch! Lol
my DH for telling him that we would get back to him. Wouldn't telling him that we're not drinking be enough said?
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Originally Posted by Tatsy
Oh Zen, absolutely yes, we all do understand. My husband, like your BF, never drank so often and so much, that the trip switch was deactivated, unlike me, I'm never satiated. Used to be, many years ago, couple of drinks and I was satisfied, but I crossed that line and the neural networks were rerouted.
A few years ago, when I was trying AA, to assist, me my husband (who hardly ever drinks) stopped drinking........for two years! Oh the irony, I continued drinking, whilst my husband (who didn't need to stop) stopped drinking by symbiosis!
But back to you, you are doing so well recognising your AV and maintaining the distinction between the Booze Beast's desire (drink, drinks and more drinks full of ethanol) and YOUR decision (no alcoholic drinks).
The Beast is just a sad old neural circuit which has passed its sell-by date and has been discarded; leaving you free and liberated.
I do hope your friend gets back in touch.....but try not to dwell on it, after all, if she's unwilling to meet up at a non-drinking venue, what does that say about her relationship with alcohol?
Now that you're a non-drinker, your BF and friends will, given time, accept that status. It's sad really, the prevalence of alcohol in social interactions. I actually wouldn't attend an event, unless alcohol was available; unbelievable to reflect back - choosing social engagements by ethanol presence or not. It's such an illusion portrayed by the advertising industry, they don't portray folks suffering hangovers, debilitated, depressed, anxious, defeated, or dying of alcohol caused illnesses.
A few years ago, when I was trying AA, to assist, me my husband (who hardly ever drinks) stopped drinking........for two years! Oh the irony, I continued drinking, whilst my husband (who didn't need to stop) stopped drinking by symbiosis!
But back to you, you are doing so well recognising your AV and maintaining the distinction between the Booze Beast's desire (drink, drinks and more drinks full of ethanol) and YOUR decision (no alcoholic drinks).
The Beast is just a sad old neural circuit which has passed its sell-by date and has been discarded; leaving you free and liberated.
I do hope your friend gets back in touch.....but try not to dwell on it, after all, if she's unwilling to meet up at a non-drinking venue, what does that say about her relationship with alcohol?
Now that you're a non-drinker, your BF and friends will, given time, accept that status. It's sad really, the prevalence of alcohol in social interactions. I actually wouldn't attend an event, unless alcohol was available; unbelievable to reflect back - choosing social engagements by ethanol presence or not. It's such an illusion portrayed by the advertising industry, they don't portray folks suffering hangovers, debilitated, depressed, anxious, defeated, or dying of alcohol caused illnesses.
I think that my friend is upset because she is getting married and I'm the maid of honor and she keeps trying to get together with me.... but it's been on a Fri or Sat night when she's drinking and I keep saying no. I told her last night why. I hope she understands that I am still there for her and that I'm still involved and that I still care. The only thing that has changed is that I won't drink with her.
I think it's crazy how alcohol and cigarettes and prescription drugs are portrayed by the media! They are the worst mind altering substances. They have very little benefit and tons of horrible consequences yet they are pushed on us relentlessly.
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I feel like I'm pushing a heavy cart up a big hill with the people in my life in the cart watching me..... they can either get off the cart and help me push, or just get off and go their own way, but adding to the weight is not an option.
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Join Date: Jan 2017
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I understand this. My wife, not her fault at all, said to me after I quit, why don't you just have one or two? This was a week or two after I quit, and I wasn't doing the best, and I said what are you the devil? I was kidding, well kind of, lol.
She doesn't understand why I drank the way I did, because she has one or two and that's it. There's no thought of I should only have two, she just does and won't drink for two months. I, on the other hand, will have one followed by 10 more. I have thought a lot about why I am the way I am and I've come to the conclusion that it doesn't matter why. It just matters that I know the truth and continue my life with the knowledge that I can't drink like everyone else and should not drink.
She doesn't understand why I drank the way I did, because she has one or two and that's it. There's no thought of I should only have two, she just does and won't drink for two months. I, on the other hand, will have one followed by 10 more. I have thought a lot about why I am the way I am and I've come to the conclusion that it doesn't matter why. It just matters that I know the truth and continue my life with the knowledge that I can't drink like everyone else and should not drink.
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I look at health as a lottery.... just chance. Some of us got the alcoholism gene (I believe genetics play a role in it). I know I did, but my sister didn't. My mother got the family legacy but her brother didn't. Who can say why? Both my mother and I were raised in the same family units as our siblings but they got to escape and we didn't.
You're right though, what matters is what we do about it.
You're right though, what matters is what we do about it.
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I'm glad you're doing well. 3 weeks of sobriety is great! It's very hard for others to understand what we go through, so just stay focused on what you know to be the right thing to do. 
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Congrats on 3 weeks of sobriety! You are growing each day. Be proud of your determination and discipline. Do not let anyone talk you into a drink. I let that happen time and time again. No more. You'll be so glad you didn't listen and life will continue to get better for you.
Be proud of your determination and discipline. Do not let anyone talk you into a drink. I let that happen time and time again. No more. You'll be so glad you didn't listen and life will continue to get better for you.
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