Sponsor
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 21
Sponsor
I do have a face to face sponsor but I have trouble being totally honest! What they'll think of me etc. If I had an online sponsor I can trust and be willing to share my hurts, habits, and hangups honestly, I feel I'll make better progress in my recovery. Thanks
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
welcome,wildhorse.
this would be a great thing to bring up with your f2f sponsor.
At some of these we balked. We thought we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not. With all the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.
this would be a great thing to bring up with your f2f sponsor.
At some of these we balked. We thought we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not. With all the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.
Guest
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: East of Eden
Posts: 420
No quality sponsor is going to think anything less of you for being honest. In fact, a good sponsor will think that much better of you for doing so. It shows a serious commitment to your recovery. Taking the easier way out has never done any good for me, personally. But whatever works for you is what works for you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
As you get to know and trust your sponsor it will get easier. Give it time, and see how it goes. Most of the things I thought would have my sponsor in shock and disgust just served to remind her of something similar she'd done herself. Turned out I wasn't so rock n roll or as special a snowflake as I'd thought. Thank goodness for that! It's funny but once I'd shared stuff with her I thought I'd never voice to anyone, I've been able to share those things with others as well.
You can do this. Just lean into your fear.
You can do this. Just lean into your fear.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 21
Sponsor
If someone wouldn't mind communicating on SR with me and help me to share and be totally honest, maybe that will help me confess my hurts, habits, and hangups with my face to face sponsor. Thanks everyone!!! I guess I don't know how to confess to a F2F sponsor. How to do it! I'm a loner, and can go a week and hardly see anyone. I just hold it all in.... I live on a ranch and can go a week without hardly seeing or talking to anyone except my horses and dogs. Thanks
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Isolating really isn't good for us in recovery. I'd suggest making a habit of phoning that sponsor daily, even if only to just get used to speaking to them one to one. Have you done steps one to three yet? If not, try to focus on those steps with your sponsor and put step 4 and 5 onwards out of your mind for now. The steps are in an order for a reason, and usually by the time we've done one to three thoroughly, THEN we're ready to start facing the challenge of self honesty in 4 and with God and another person in 5.
Do you talk this stuff through with your HP? If not, I'd recommend you start doing so.
Wishing you all the best for your sobriety and recovery. BB
Do you talk this stuff through with your HP? If not, I'd recommend you start doing so.
Wishing you all the best for your sobriety and recovery. BB
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 21
Thanks Berrybean!! Yes I need to do that!! Yes I've worked all the steps before, and do need to take personal inventory again. I guess my hangup of honesty is just being honest about my drinking, But do I have to list all the bad times, or how much I drank, etc. Thanks
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
I had to practice being honest with myself for awhile before I tried it on anyone else f2f or virtual. For a very long time I only thought I was grasping to thine ownself be true. No one could lie to me better than me
Pg 23 BB - Once in a while he may tell the truth.....
A gent with many years recently shared at a meeting I chaired. He spoke of 4th step and how he lived remotely, no phone.
He wrote a letter to GSO asking about how to contact a sponsor. He was provided a name and address to a man and started typing him letters. Back and forth this went for 8 months as he worked on inventory and 5th step. The contact was one of the first 100 men and women referenced in the book.
This came to mind - Willingness, honesty and open mindedness are the essentials of recovery. But these are indispensable.
I will forever think of this example of willing to go to any lengths.
Pg 23 BB - Once in a while he may tell the truth.....
A gent with many years recently shared at a meeting I chaired. He spoke of 4th step and how he lived remotely, no phone.
He wrote a letter to GSO asking about how to contact a sponsor. He was provided a name and address to a man and started typing him letters. Back and forth this went for 8 months as he worked on inventory and 5th step. The contact was one of the first 100 men and women referenced in the book.
This came to mind - Willingness, honesty and open mindedness are the essentials of recovery. But these are indispensable.
I will forever think of this example of willing to go to any lengths.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
it doesnt take strength- it takes courage.
OVE AND FEAR AS OPPOSITES
All these failings generate fear, a soul-sickness in its own
right.
TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 49
"Fear knocked at the door; faith answered; no one was
there." I don't know to whom this quote should be
attributed, but it certainly indicates very clearly that fear is
an illusion. I create the illusion myself.
I experienced fear early in my life and I mistakenly
thought that the mere presence of it made me a coward. I
didn't know that one of the definitions of "courage" is "the
willingness to do the right thing in spite of fear." Courage,
then, is not necessarily the absence of fear.
During the times I didn't have love in my life I most
assuredly had fear. To fear God is to be afraid of joy. In
looking back, I realize that, during the times I feared God
most, there was no joy in my life. As I learned not to fear
God, I also learned to experience joy.
OVE AND FEAR AS OPPOSITES
All these failings generate fear, a soul-sickness in its own
right.
TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 49
"Fear knocked at the door; faith answered; no one was
there." I don't know to whom this quote should be
attributed, but it certainly indicates very clearly that fear is
an illusion. I create the illusion myself.
I experienced fear early in my life and I mistakenly
thought that the mere presence of it made me a coward. I
didn't know that one of the definitions of "courage" is "the
willingness to do the right thing in spite of fear." Courage,
then, is not necessarily the absence of fear.
During the times I didn't have love in my life I most
assuredly had fear. To fear God is to be afraid of joy. In
looking back, I realize that, during the times I feared God
most, there was no joy in my life. As I learned not to fear
God, I also learned to experience joy.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
Originally Posted by wildhorsejkm 
Maybe I could just be honest here on this site and see what you guys think!! At least i'll be honest and then get the strength to be totally honest with my f2f sponsor.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 21
I'll post a short testimony!
My early years of post college days 1982 up to 2006 my drinking was on and off. In 2008 I went through the 12 steps with my sponsor, which has moved away, and from that time until Oct. 2014 I didn't drink, want to drink and all cravings were removed.
Oct. 2014 I had surgery for diverticulitis, They removed 18" of my colon. 2 days later it ruptured. When back in for major surgery opened me up because I was septic, they put in drain tubes and a osti bag. I was in the hospital for 48 days. On constant delotted, sp, pain drug and morphine. I lost 52 pounds. Then 48 days later they came to take the drain tubes out. The RN pulled the hose and it caught on something, once again pulled and a artery was torn. I filled up with blood and back to the ER. Another week in the hospital. In Dec. of that year they did the re sectioning and removed the osti bag. I finally was able to go home. They sent me home with oxycodone. I was making a slow journey to recovery. Not abusing the oxycodone and taking it as instructed.
In July of 2015 I felt good enough to go for a horse ride on the Buffalo river in Arkansas. A day later I found a tick. I became deathly sick and back into the hospital and back on morphine and was tested positive for Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever . In the hospital they did more test and I also tested positive for the West Niles Virus. I should be dead.
I was released again and still on oxycodone, 8 months of pain medicine total. Then Doctor changed me to Methadone. With in a few weeks I could tell my body was becoming dependent on pain medicine. I ran out of a prescription and something clicked in my little head to go get a beer. While on pain med. 1 or 4 beers is like having 24 beers. It was bad I knew I was in trouble.
Went to a 30 rehab and was detoxed off all pain medicine. I felt pretty good. but all along I felt like the black sheep of the family. The only one that had to go to rehab, and had such a addictive compulsive manners.
I had to retire from teaching HS for 33 years. My life schedules really changed and wondering what I was going to do. My wife was still working.
And slowly the drinking came back. My body was in constant pain for the WN virus and RMSF. I was back to drinking 12 beers again. One time 18. I'm not a bar drinker, I'm a barn drinker. I would get it drive home, 23 miles to nearest liquor store, and drank while driving.
Many times my wife didn't notice that I had been drinking. I never got to the point of black outs, stumbling, falling, and anger. I just kept to myself.
Many time I had driven drinking and thought what if I got pulled over, had an accident, or killed someone. I know it was wrong to do that, but I tried to do what was right but couldn't carry it out.
So Now back 2 or three times a week I'll have a run and get 12 more. My sex life deteriorated, no sex life since 2014. So from time to time pornography caught my eye from time to time. But was able to get completely way from it. Praise God
I posted this not for sympathy, or bragging, just the facts. I'm Praying that by doing this, I'll get the strength and courage to be totally honest with my f2f sponsor. I feel right now that if I was to tell him this, he would have me put back in rehab, which I don't want to do.
I totally feel my holding all this in, and the guilt and shame I have about all this, posting this will help me move on with my sober life. I've Prayed over and over for God to remove this addiction, the cravings.
Thanks for letting me share.
My early years of post college days 1982 up to 2006 my drinking was on and off. In 2008 I went through the 12 steps with my sponsor, which has moved away, and from that time until Oct. 2014 I didn't drink, want to drink and all cravings were removed.
Oct. 2014 I had surgery for diverticulitis, They removed 18" of my colon. 2 days later it ruptured. When back in for major surgery opened me up because I was septic, they put in drain tubes and a osti bag. I was in the hospital for 48 days. On constant delotted, sp, pain drug and morphine. I lost 52 pounds. Then 48 days later they came to take the drain tubes out. The RN pulled the hose and it caught on something, once again pulled and a artery was torn. I filled up with blood and back to the ER. Another week in the hospital. In Dec. of that year they did the re sectioning and removed the osti bag. I finally was able to go home. They sent me home with oxycodone. I was making a slow journey to recovery. Not abusing the oxycodone and taking it as instructed.
In July of 2015 I felt good enough to go for a horse ride on the Buffalo river in Arkansas. A day later I found a tick. I became deathly sick and back into the hospital and back on morphine and was tested positive for Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever . In the hospital they did more test and I also tested positive for the West Niles Virus. I should be dead.
I was released again and still on oxycodone, 8 months of pain medicine total. Then Doctor changed me to Methadone. With in a few weeks I could tell my body was becoming dependent on pain medicine. I ran out of a prescription and something clicked in my little head to go get a beer. While on pain med. 1 or 4 beers is like having 24 beers. It was bad I knew I was in trouble.
Went to a 30 rehab and was detoxed off all pain medicine. I felt pretty good. but all along I felt like the black sheep of the family. The only one that had to go to rehab, and had such a addictive compulsive manners.
I had to retire from teaching HS for 33 years. My life schedules really changed and wondering what I was going to do. My wife was still working.
And slowly the drinking came back. My body was in constant pain for the WN virus and RMSF. I was back to drinking 12 beers again. One time 18. I'm not a bar drinker, I'm a barn drinker. I would get it drive home, 23 miles to nearest liquor store, and drank while driving.
Many times my wife didn't notice that I had been drinking. I never got to the point of black outs, stumbling, falling, and anger. I just kept to myself.
Many time I had driven drinking and thought what if I got pulled over, had an accident, or killed someone. I know it was wrong to do that, but I tried to do what was right but couldn't carry it out.
So Now back 2 or three times a week I'll have a run and get 12 more. My sex life deteriorated, no sex life since 2014. So from time to time pornography caught my eye from time to time. But was able to get completely way from it. Praise God
I posted this not for sympathy, or bragging, just the facts. I'm Praying that by doing this, I'll get the strength and courage to be totally honest with my f2f sponsor. I feel right now that if I was to tell him this, he would have me put back in rehab, which I don't want to do.
I totally feel my holding all this in, and the guilt and shame I have about all this, posting this will help me move on with my sober life. I've Prayed over and over for God to remove this addiction, the cravings.
Thanks for letting me share.
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