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Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
you know, wildhorse, pretty much guaranteed we all had secrets. we had them, and held them, because we were ashamed of what we did, who and how we were.
nothing in your post is shocking, and i'm not saying that to minimize what you told about, or to dismiss the courage it has taken for you to post it.
but just to say that hiding and being ashamed and crappy stuff done...just kinda goes with the territory.
and now that you've put it out here....see? the sky didn't fall. no one here thinks less of you. any sponsor you have will have had and later shared their own secrets and survived. not just survived, but lived to tell and thrive. thrive enough to want to pass on to you what was shared with them so that you too can come to a different place.
hm......what's your best guess whether your reluctance to tell is about you or about a sponsor you see as possibly untrustworthy for a particular reason? and of course there are others for a step five, such as a clergy person or counselor.
nothing in your post is shocking, and i'm not saying that to minimize what you told about, or to dismiss the courage it has taken for you to post it.
but just to say that hiding and being ashamed and crappy stuff done...just kinda goes with the territory.
and now that you've put it out here....see? the sky didn't fall. no one here thinks less of you. any sponsor you have will have had and later shared their own secrets and survived. not just survived, but lived to tell and thrive. thrive enough to want to pass on to you what was shared with them so that you too can come to a different place.
hm......what's your best guess whether your reluctance to tell is about you or about a sponsor you see as possibly untrustworthy for a particular reason? and of course there are others for a step five, such as a clergy person or counselor.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Thanks for your share. There was lots I related to in there. Some that I didn't because I got lucky medically I think. I certainly recognise that feeling of being an out cast, and the general sense of 'not-enoughness'. I'm a teacher myself. Wow, 33 years! That's a long time. I'm only about 15 years in myself - although I have an exciting interview next Tuesday for something a bit different (prayers appreciated for God to put me where he can use me best by the way).
Your past experience of doing the steps still interests me. Like, how did you DO them thoroughly without being honest about this stuff before now? (And the steps do need to be done thoroughly or we haven't done them - like the chore of Emptying the Bin is not done by us just opening it and taking a bit of it out of the top but leaving the worst and most oozing, stinking rubbish in there). Working the steps really is a healing process, and some of it is scary and a little painful. I likened it to having a old septic wound that I'd put an elastoplast on and the gunk had seeped through. So, I stuck another elastoplast over the top of the first, then another, then another, and so on. In my first 6 month in the rooms I did not get a sponsor. I did not open up to anyone. I kept up with the 'I'm fine' lie (to myself as much as anyone else) while inside I was a hot mess. I hated myself, and lots of other people. My resentments and fears gnawed at me and kept me afraid to let anyone close in case they found out what a horrible person I was.
In the end I was going to bed every night praying I wouldn't wake up the next day. Then, next morning I'd wake up and be dismayed and wonder how I could get through more of the misery of being me. My boss / school head sent me for counselling because she was so worried about me. I'd like to say the counselling was a success. I suppose it was in that it was there that I realised that, just like it says in How It Works, I needed to learn to be honest if the program was going to work for me. I was completely dishonest (in an omitting all the important bits kind of way) with my counsellor. I just could NOT tell her those things that I thought would make her despise me as much as they made me despise myself. I realised that i had been seeking easier, soft recovery ways all along. So on was left with some options. I could get a sponsor and be honest with them - absolutely terrifying! Or, continue life as it was - Even more terrifying. Or end my life. - Something I decided to keep on the back burner to return to if doing the steps and getting honest did not work out.
Step one in a way didn't really reveal so much that I didn't know, but it certainly helped clarify the fact that the obvious effects of alcohol were only the tip of the iceberg as far as how my drinking made my life unmanageable.
Step 2 qnd 3 I thought would be easy. I was a Christian after all. But I started to realise that I didn't REALLY trust God. I didn't really believe that God loved me, or could love me. I won't go so much into this, but today I know that God does love us. All of us. Not because we deserve it, but because he IS love. As long as we open our hearts to let God in, we will recieve his love and grace. And it will fill us up.
My step 4 inventory took MONTHS to write. And I did it in white font on a white background in a secret file on my computer. Lol. Wow, was I scared of doing those inventories. It was like peeling off the years or pus soaked elastoplasts. And when i got to the wound? Sure, it was a little painful and messy. But nowhere near as bad as soon I'd imagined. Like a sore spot in your mouth feels like it must be the size of a grape and when you look you can barely see it. Anyway. My sponsor and my HP helped clean that mess up. My sponsor looked at my most shameful things on my inventories and nodded and helped me to figure out what motivated me to do those things. At the end of step 5 we could look at see my character defects demystified. And sure, it wasn't 'good'. BUT it wasn't such a light and scary monster as I'd been imagining when I'd been hiding under the blanket of booze, or squinting through my fingers in the dark, white-knuckling sobriety, and terrified when I wasn't ready to look at it all.
Do you go to meetings where there are people visiting and doing a main share? If not, please, please try to get to some. As we hear other people's stories we use their experiences, strength and hope to find the courage to start to look at ourselves honestly so we can demystify our defects, and use this self knowledge to to grow in such a way that we are not dictated by them.
And step work needs to happen one to one with our sponsors. So, while meetings and step work both help us, they really are are 2 different things on our schedule.
The other thing that might help would be to make use of the speaker recordings, but it does sound like you could, d do with a few more meetings in your schedule.
I use this website for speaker recordings... http://www.recoveryaudio.org/
Anyway. That turned into more of a ramble than I'd intended. Sorry about that. It happens sometimes. But to reassure you, I really don't think that there is anything that you have shared so far that would shock your sponsor or diminish their opinion of you. Honestly. And you know, porn and sex (like gambling and drugs and relationships and compulsive shopping etc) comes up a lot in peoples shares. It's likely to I suppose. After all, we tend tk seek relief. Quick, instant relief. And then as we recover we start, many of us for the first time, to seek wiser ways of finding comfort. Looking tiwards what we need long term to find serenity, rather than what we want short term to find relief. But those fruits of the spirit come when we trust God enough to open our hearts. And that's what steps 1 to 5 enabled me to do. Become willing. I don't think your sponsor would want to send you back to rehab. But they might suggest, in a very loving way of course, that it's time to start the real work of recovery. That inside job, which relies so much on us leaning into our fear and being honest, first with ourself and then another human being and our Higher Power.
I wish you all the best for your sobriety and recovery. BB
Your past experience of doing the steps still interests me. Like, how did you DO them thoroughly without being honest about this stuff before now? (And the steps do need to be done thoroughly or we haven't done them - like the chore of Emptying the Bin is not done by us just opening it and taking a bit of it out of the top but leaving the worst and most oozing, stinking rubbish in there). Working the steps really is a healing process, and some of it is scary and a little painful. I likened it to having a old septic wound that I'd put an elastoplast on and the gunk had seeped through. So, I stuck another elastoplast over the top of the first, then another, then another, and so on. In my first 6 month in the rooms I did not get a sponsor. I did not open up to anyone. I kept up with the 'I'm fine' lie (to myself as much as anyone else) while inside I was a hot mess. I hated myself, and lots of other people. My resentments and fears gnawed at me and kept me afraid to let anyone close in case they found out what a horrible person I was.
In the end I was going to bed every night praying I wouldn't wake up the next day. Then, next morning I'd wake up and be dismayed and wonder how I could get through more of the misery of being me. My boss / school head sent me for counselling because she was so worried about me. I'd like to say the counselling was a success. I suppose it was in that it was there that I realised that, just like it says in How It Works, I needed to learn to be honest if the program was going to work for me. I was completely dishonest (in an omitting all the important bits kind of way) with my counsellor. I just could NOT tell her those things that I thought would make her despise me as much as they made me despise myself. I realised that i had been seeking easier, soft recovery ways all along. So on was left with some options. I could get a sponsor and be honest with them - absolutely terrifying! Or, continue life as it was - Even more terrifying. Or end my life. - Something I decided to keep on the back burner to return to if doing the steps and getting honest did not work out.
Step one in a way didn't really reveal so much that I didn't know, but it certainly helped clarify the fact that the obvious effects of alcohol were only the tip of the iceberg as far as how my drinking made my life unmanageable.
Step 2 qnd 3 I thought would be easy. I was a Christian after all. But I started to realise that I didn't REALLY trust God. I didn't really believe that God loved me, or could love me. I won't go so much into this, but today I know that God does love us. All of us. Not because we deserve it, but because he IS love. As long as we open our hearts to let God in, we will recieve his love and grace. And it will fill us up.
My step 4 inventory took MONTHS to write. And I did it in white font on a white background in a secret file on my computer. Lol. Wow, was I scared of doing those inventories. It was like peeling off the years or pus soaked elastoplasts. And when i got to the wound? Sure, it was a little painful and messy. But nowhere near as bad as soon I'd imagined. Like a sore spot in your mouth feels like it must be the size of a grape and when you look you can barely see it. Anyway. My sponsor and my HP helped clean that mess up. My sponsor looked at my most shameful things on my inventories and nodded and helped me to figure out what motivated me to do those things. At the end of step 5 we could look at see my character defects demystified. And sure, it wasn't 'good'. BUT it wasn't such a light and scary monster as I'd been imagining when I'd been hiding under the blanket of booze, or squinting through my fingers in the dark, white-knuckling sobriety, and terrified when I wasn't ready to look at it all.
Do you go to meetings where there are people visiting and doing a main share? If not, please, please try to get to some. As we hear other people's stories we use their experiences, strength and hope to find the courage to start to look at ourselves honestly so we can demystify our defects, and use this self knowledge to to grow in such a way that we are not dictated by them.
And step work needs to happen one to one with our sponsors. So, while meetings and step work both help us, they really are are 2 different things on our schedule.
The other thing that might help would be to make use of the speaker recordings, but it does sound like you could, d do with a few more meetings in your schedule.
I use this website for speaker recordings... http://www.recoveryaudio.org/
Anyway. That turned into more of a ramble than I'd intended. Sorry about that. It happens sometimes. But to reassure you, I really don't think that there is anything that you have shared so far that would shock your sponsor or diminish their opinion of you. Honestly. And you know, porn and sex (like gambling and drugs and relationships and compulsive shopping etc) comes up a lot in peoples shares. It's likely to I suppose. After all, we tend tk seek relief. Quick, instant relief. And then as we recover we start, many of us for the first time, to seek wiser ways of finding comfort. Looking tiwards what we need long term to find serenity, rather than what we want short term to find relief. But those fruits of the spirit come when we trust God enough to open our hearts. And that's what steps 1 to 5 enabled me to do. Become willing. I don't think your sponsor would want to send you back to rehab. But they might suggest, in a very loving way of course, that it's time to start the real work of recovery. That inside job, which relies so much on us leaning into our fear and being honest, first with ourself and then another human being and our Higher Power.
I wish you all the best for your sobriety and recovery. BB
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
wildhorse, good for sharing.
something i never thought id ever talk to someone about-something that screwed me up for many,many years and i was extremely fearful of what others would think of me( dam pride and ego) is having been responsible for the death of another human while drunk.
but when i opened up to my sponsor about it, the only thing i found was understanding and solutions on how to not let that part of my past control me any more.
now that ive done the steps- 4th-9th big part-theres not much of my life that's a secret. my past is my most valuable possession for a few reasons:
- if i forget it ill repeat it
-if i regret it ill get drunk
- it can possible help someone else get out from under.
keep comin back!! it will get easier for ya! ALL of the promises of the program will materialize!
did ya know theres more promises than just the 9th step ones that are read at meetings somethings?
promises with every step!
5th step promises:
We pocket our pride and go to it, illuminating every twist of character, every dark cranny of the past. Once we have taken this step, withholding nothing, we are delighted. We can look the world in the eye. We can be alone at perfect peace and ease. Our fears fall from us. We begin to feel the nearness of our Creator. We may have had certain spiritual beliefs, but now we begin to have a spiritual experience. The feeling that the drink problem has disappeared will often come strongly. We feel we are on the Broad Highway, walking hand in hand with the Spirit of the Universe
something i never thought id ever talk to someone about-something that screwed me up for many,many years and i was extremely fearful of what others would think of me( dam pride and ego) is having been responsible for the death of another human while drunk.
but when i opened up to my sponsor about it, the only thing i found was understanding and solutions on how to not let that part of my past control me any more.
now that ive done the steps- 4th-9th big part-theres not much of my life that's a secret. my past is my most valuable possession for a few reasons:
- if i forget it ill repeat it
-if i regret it ill get drunk
- it can possible help someone else get out from under.
keep comin back!! it will get easier for ya! ALL of the promises of the program will materialize!
did ya know theres more promises than just the 9th step ones that are read at meetings somethings?
promises with every step!
5th step promises:
We pocket our pride and go to it, illuminating every twist of character, every dark cranny of the past. Once we have taken this step, withholding nothing, we are delighted. We can look the world in the eye. We can be alone at perfect peace and ease. Our fears fall from us. We begin to feel the nearness of our Creator. We may have had certain spiritual beliefs, but now we begin to have a spiritual experience. The feeling that the drink problem has disappeared will often come strongly. We feel we are on the Broad Highway, walking hand in hand with the Spirit of the Universe
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 2,654
Wildhorse, that was a very powerful post. You've displayed great courage and strength in writing it. You have nothing to be ashamed of, we've all made what, on reflection, were perhaps, wrong choices. But those choices don't define you forever, you can move forwards, as your true-self.
You don't need to carry the burden of any shame, guilt or regret: by dropping those dragging anchors to the past, and instead, living your life NOW, by acting in accordance with your heartfelt wishes and guidance - you can set yourself free from this addiction burden.
You don't need to carry the burden of any shame, guilt or regret: by dropping those dragging anchors to the past, and instead, living your life NOW, by acting in accordance with your heartfelt wishes and guidance - you can set yourself free from this addiction burden.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 21
It's like the first few times I did my inventory I could feel the healing begin through God's Grace. Working through steps 1-7 have help open my my mind, take off the blinders, and the presence of God's Love back in my heart. Just typing it here to people I don't know personally, but know you my new friends have caring and loving hearts to help me work through these life hurts, habits, and hangups.
1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7.Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
I feel now I have the confidence to visit f2f with my sponsor. I had it all bottled up inside me, that I really could see or visualize my wrongs.
Psalms 27:1 coming flowing through me!!!
1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7.Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
I feel now I have the confidence to visit f2f with my sponsor. I had it all bottled up inside me, that I really could see or visualize my wrongs.
Psalms 27:1 coming flowing through me!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 21
Originally Posted by Tatsy 
Wildhorse, that was a very powerful post. You've displayed great courage and strength in writing it. You have nothing to be ashamed of, we've all made what, on reflection, were perhaps, wrong choices. But those choices don't define you forever, you can move forwards, as your true-self.
You don't need to carry the burden of any shame, guilt or regret: by dropping those dragging anchors to the past, and instead, living your life NOW, by acting in accordance with your heartfelt wishes and guidance - you can set yourself free from this addiction burden.
You don't need to carry the burden of any shame, guilt or regret: by dropping those dragging anchors to the past, and instead, living your life NOW, by acting in accordance with your heartfelt wishes and guidance - you can set yourself free from this addiction burden.
There was a reason I found the Sober Recovery site two days ago!!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 21
Originally Posted by fini
you know, wildhorse, pretty much guaranteed we all had secrets. we had them, and held them, because we were ashamed of what we did, who and how we were.
nothing in your post is shocking, and i'm not saying that to minimize what you told about, or to dismiss the courage it has taken for you to post it.
but just to say that hiding and being ashamed and crappy stuff done...just kinda goes with the territory.
and now that you've put it out here....see? the sky didn't fall. no one here thinks less of you. any sponsor you have will have had and later shared their own secrets and survived. not just survived, but lived to tell and thrive. thrive enough to want to pass on to you what was shared with them so that you too can come to a different place.
hm......what's your best guess whether your reluctance to tell is about you or about a sponsor you see as possibly untrustworthy for a particular reason? and of course there are others for a step five, such as a clergy person or counselor.
nothing in your post is shocking, and i'm not saying that to minimize what you told about, or to dismiss the courage it has taken for you to post it.
but just to say that hiding and being ashamed and crappy stuff done...just kinda goes with the territory.
and now that you've put it out here....see? the sky didn't fall. no one here thinks less of you. any sponsor you have will have had and later shared their own secrets and survived. not just survived, but lived to tell and thrive. thrive enough to want to pass on to you what was shared with them so that you too can come to a different place.
hm......what's your best guess whether your reluctance to tell is about you or about a sponsor you see as possibly untrustworthy for a particular reason? and of course there are others for a step five, such as a clergy person or counselor.
I was a teacher for 33 years and know that everything I put on my post about my hurts could have been a criminal act and should have been locked up. But knowing it was wrong, wanting to confess and make things right have done wonders for me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 21
Originally Posted by DontRemember
I, myself, think "putting it out there" in any form or fashion(prayer,pen and paper,trustedfamily/friend) is a good thing. I was 'ready' to get through my steps last week..Today I decided that I need to slow down and let the steps come to me. I'm back to 1,2,3.. I'm not in a race. Feel free to share here and see how you feel. Maybe after getting it 'out' you won't feel so put off by sharing with your F2F sponsor..just my take! Hang in there!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 21
Originally Posted by tomsteve
wildhorse, good for sharing.
something i never thought id ever talk to someone about-something that screwed me up for many,many years and i was extremely fearful of what others would think of me( dam pride and ego) is having been responsible for the death of another human while drunk.
but when i opened up to my sponsor about it, the only thing i found was understanding and solutions on how to not let that part of my past control me any more.
now that ive done the steps- 4th-9th big part-theres not much of my life that's a secret. my past is my most valuable possession for a few reasons:
- if i forget it ill repeat it
-if i regret it ill get drunk
- it can possible help someone else get out from under.
keep comin back!! it will get easier for ya! ALL of the promises of the program will materialize!
did ya know theres more promises than just the 9th step ones that are read at meetings somethings?
promises with every step!
5th step promises:
We pocket our pride and go to it, illuminating every twist of character, every dark cranny of the past. Once we have taken this step, withholding nothing, we are delighted. We can look the world in the eye. We can be alone at perfect peace and ease. Our fears fall from us. We begin to feel the nearness of our Creator. We may have had certain spiritual beliefs, but now we begin to have a spiritual experience. The feeling that the drink problem has disappeared will often come strongly. We feel we are on the Broad Highway, walking hand in hand with the Spirit of the Universe
something i never thought id ever talk to someone about-something that screwed me up for many,many years and i was extremely fearful of what others would think of me( dam pride and ego) is having been responsible for the death of another human while drunk.
but when i opened up to my sponsor about it, the only thing i found was understanding and solutions on how to not let that part of my past control me any more.
now that ive done the steps- 4th-9th big part-theres not much of my life that's a secret. my past is my most valuable possession for a few reasons:
- if i forget it ill repeat it
-if i regret it ill get drunk
- it can possible help someone else get out from under.
keep comin back!! it will get easier for ya! ALL of the promises of the program will materialize!
did ya know theres more promises than just the 9th step ones that are read at meetings somethings?
promises with every step!
5th step promises:
We pocket our pride and go to it, illuminating every twist of character, every dark cranny of the past. Once we have taken this step, withholding nothing, we are delighted. We can look the world in the eye. We can be alone at perfect peace and ease. Our fears fall from us. We begin to feel the nearness of our Creator. We may have had certain spiritual beliefs, but now we begin to have a spiritual experience. The feeling that the drink problem has disappeared will often come strongly. We feel we are on the Broad Highway, walking hand in hand with the Spirit of the Universe
From 2008-2014 I was steps 10, 11, 12. But after all the surgeries, pain medicines something changed that I didn't have control of. I took that pain medicines as prescribed by the Dr.'s. I'm not blaming them they did everything they could for me.
But I felt I was stripped of my 6 year sobriety token, and had to take early retirement after 33 years of teaching.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 21
Thanks Berrybean!! What your wrote really hit home with me.
Good luck with your new job interview!!!
You asked about my previous inventory back in 2008 I was totally honest with my sponsor, everything was put out on paper, dug up from the past. I blame my self for not doing Step 10 more often. I do go to meetings and yes this past year sat there saying everything is fine. I do have a sponsor, different than the one in 2008, but he is very caring, and give me good guidance.
Good luck with your new job interview!!!
You asked about my previous inventory back in 2008 I was totally honest with my sponsor, everything was put out on paper, dug up from the past. I blame my self for not doing Step 10 more often. I do go to meetings and yes this past year sat there saying everything is fine. I do have a sponsor, different than the one in 2008, but he is very caring, and give me good guidance.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
Originally Posted by wildhorsejkm
Thanks DontRemember!! For me just putting it out there did take courage but it was something I needed, wanted to do. Because I've been there before years back. Thanks!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 21
God's strength and Blessings! Keeping in touch with SR, my wife this is our 35 anniversary!
Originally Posted by Berrybean
A cruise ship! That could be a challenge. What's your plan for getting through it sober?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Perhaps think of some practical things as well. Things that have helped me in the past have been ... Exit strategies. Responses to curious or obnoxious enquiries about not drinking. Gratitude lists. Helping others as soon as any glimpses of self-pity are evident (All things suggested to me by people on here and in AA - I haven't got an original bone in my body lol).
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