What if someone finds out...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
What if someone finds out...
....when they attend your funeral, they'll know.
It seems like I have read quite a few threads recently on how scared people are to admit they have a problem or how embarrassed they would feel if someone knew they had a drinking problem. I think that's totally normal and I get it. I was shaking in fear when I signed up to this forum. Even though its anonymous I thought "no one's anonymous on the internet". Scared to death. This is not bragging but I'm fairly well known and so is my family. I was almost a professional athlete and my father built casinos all over the country. People know us. And they know us for our successes, not our deep embarrassing secrets.
That being said, I think its extremely important to try and overcome that fear. Its like standing on a ledge with a lake below and there is a wildfire coming at you from behind. If you overcome your fear you can jump to safety below, if you don't, you'll be consumed by the fire.
Yes, you might feel embarrassed a time or two, but most people are pretty mature about it and will respect you for doing something to better yourself (especially health professionals). I certainly don't think you need to go around advertising it, but if it comes up, honesty is the best policy. I don't tell many people but if the subject comes up my standard line is "when I owned my business, I drank enough for a lifetime, so I'm taking a break". Its the end of the discussion. And after the first couple times, the fear is gone and life goes on.
So in summary, no one likes to be afraid or embarrassed and you may experience that feeling once or twice, but it won't be nearly as bad as you think (I assure you). By holding ourselves back you end up delaying getting the very help we need to get over this monster. Just think about a doctor or business owner in an AA meeting, They know full well they might run into a patient or customer. But they also know if they don't get help they may not be a doctor or a business owner for long. Its that serious. Don't be afraid to ask for help.
It seems like I have read quite a few threads recently on how scared people are to admit they have a problem or how embarrassed they would feel if someone knew they had a drinking problem. I think that's totally normal and I get it. I was shaking in fear when I signed up to this forum. Even though its anonymous I thought "no one's anonymous on the internet". Scared to death. This is not bragging but I'm fairly well known and so is my family. I was almost a professional athlete and my father built casinos all over the country. People know us. And they know us for our successes, not our deep embarrassing secrets.
That being said, I think its extremely important to try and overcome that fear. Its like standing on a ledge with a lake below and there is a wildfire coming at you from behind. If you overcome your fear you can jump to safety below, if you don't, you'll be consumed by the fire.
Yes, you might feel embarrassed a time or two, but most people are pretty mature about it and will respect you for doing something to better yourself (especially health professionals). I certainly don't think you need to go around advertising it, but if it comes up, honesty is the best policy. I don't tell many people but if the subject comes up my standard line is "when I owned my business, I drank enough for a lifetime, so I'm taking a break". Its the end of the discussion. And after the first couple times, the fear is gone and life goes on.
So in summary, no one likes to be afraid or embarrassed and you may experience that feeling once or twice, but it won't be nearly as bad as you think (I assure you). By holding ourselves back you end up delaying getting the very help we need to get over this monster. Just think about a doctor or business owner in an AA meeting, They know full well they might run into a patient or customer. But they also know if they don't get help they may not be a doctor or a business owner for long. Its that serious. Don't be afraid to ask for help.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 2,950
Maturity is hit or miss, especially in the millennial generation. Being mature doesn't mean someone is educated about alcoholism and being immature doesn't mean someone is uneducated about it.
It isn't true that people don't look down upon alcoholics. It isn't even true that alcoholics don't look down on each other. Those of us who have found unconditional love and support are very very fortunate, but it's not common.
We are very sensitive people and particularly in early recovery we need to guard our hearts. We have to be cautious who we open up to about our alcoholism. The other person reacting negatively, saying the wrong thing, or even walking away could trigger intense emotions that are too much for us to handle. We may cope by relapsing.
Open up slowly, be thankful for acceptance and support, but do not expect it.
It isn't true that people don't look down upon alcoholics. It isn't even true that alcoholics don't look down on each other. Those of us who have found unconditional love and support are very very fortunate, but it's not common.
We are very sensitive people and particularly in early recovery we need to guard our hearts. We have to be cautious who we open up to about our alcoholism. The other person reacting negatively, saying the wrong thing, or even walking away could trigger intense emotions that are too much for us to handle. We may cope by relapsing.
Open up slowly, be thankful for acceptance and support, but do not expect it.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 1,462
Good post , I agree with Brenda. At first I really didn't want people to know. After awhile it didnt make a difference if people know I'm a recovery alcoholic or not.
I do think though part of me was afraid to tell people in the beginning because I was afraid I would fail.
I do think though part of me was afraid to tell people in the beginning because I was afraid I would fail.
All is Change
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,284
I think it's also that when using we let it all hang out.
Or, we can only let it all hang out when intoxicated.
As we become sober the ways we let it all hang out when intoxicated become more like something that's a window into a troubled self.
Rather than: I'm in hell surrounded by monsters and I don't know how to get out of here but I'm going to try. I'm not that monster or that monster. No. NO. No...I repel it all. No going to talk about it. Not think about it.
As we find ourselves outside that hellish storm these things become memories that can be diminished, weakened, expelled by facing up to them, by letting them all hang out without them being a permanent fixture thus expediting their passing.
Everyone is on a different place on this spectrum. There is a time to deny and reject and there is a time to let be and let go.
What if the someone one who finds out is you?
Or, we can only let it all hang out when intoxicated.
As we become sober the ways we let it all hang out when intoxicated become more like something that's a window into a troubled self.
Rather than: I'm in hell surrounded by monsters and I don't know how to get out of here but I'm going to try. I'm not that monster or that monster. No. NO. No...I repel it all. No going to talk about it. Not think about it.
As we find ourselves outside that hellish storm these things become memories that can be diminished, weakened, expelled by facing up to them, by letting them all hang out without them being a permanent fixture thus expediting their passing.
Everyone is on a different place on this spectrum. There is a time to deny and reject and there is a time to let be and let go.
What if the someone one who finds out is you?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 209
If somebody does know you here ( unlikely) they're here because they're alcoholics too.
But I know you didn't know that when you first joined - that's brave
I'm very tierd and going to sleep but just had to post that you make a lot of sense
But I know you didn't know that when you first joined - that's brave
I'm very tierd and going to sleep but just had to post that you make a lot of sense
Guest
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: East of Eden
Posts: 420
I don't care who knows I'm a recovering alcoholic. I see so may people I know in meetings it's just crazy. I'm looking at them thinking "I had no idea you were an alcoholic" and they're looking at me thinking the same thing. Or thinking "it's about time you got your butt in here". I always kind of find it comforting when I see someone new in the rooms that I know. Makes me feel a little less alone. After all, I'm terminally unique.
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
It took a couple of years before I was confident enough in my own sobriety before I became confident enough to let others know
Today anyone I know well knows I'm in recovery. I just find it makes my life easier when I bail out of a drinking situation early or can't attend something because of an AA meeting they understand why with no explanations
Today anyone I know well knows I'm in recovery. I just find it makes my life easier when I bail out of a drinking situation early or can't attend something because of an AA meeting they understand why with no explanations
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 292
Originally Posted by BrendaChenowyth 
Maturity is hit or miss, especially in the millennial generation.
I do know that while I don't actively advertise the fact that I'm in recovery, I don't hide it or run away from it either if somebody asks me about it. Maybe another benefit of age is that it's easier to simply not care what other people think. I work hard at my job, pay my bills and support myself; I don't owe anybody anything, and if someone has an issue with me developing an addiction problem but then responsibly seeking help for it, that is their problem, not mine, I just don't care.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: East of Eden
Posts: 420
I think you might be right in your last post, DD. I'm in my mid 40's also and I have quite a few friends who are my age or older who have quit drinking or using a long time ago. But I don't know how supportive any of them would have been at age 25.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 4
I haven't been sober for long, but I cringe and get anxiety about the idea of going to a meeting of any kind. I'm not against it or anything like that, I'm just not great at social situations without a drink in my hand. I barely know who I am sober, let alone how to share who this shell is. It made me glad to hear other express their anxieties as well.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
There is indeed something very liberating when you realize you gotta do what you gotta do and aren't ashamed and frankly don't overly care what other's opinions are about you and your need for sobriety. You live with yourself each and every day. I'd like to think I am compatible with myself....if that makes any sense. The truth will set you free and if people cannot handle the truth that's on them. Way to go.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 1,068
For many of us the choice is not as simple as we make it out to be. Or perhaps it's more simple.
My point here is that it's often not a choice between someone thinking you are "normal" vs. an alcoholic in recovery. That's an illusion one can use to stay away from AA or other recovery methods.
In many cases it a choice of being thought of as a drunk or someone in recovery. People notice a lot more than you might think. They just choose not to confront you.
My point here is that it's often not a choice between someone thinking you are "normal" vs. an alcoholic in recovery. That's an illusion one can use to stay away from AA or other recovery methods.
In many cases it a choice of being thought of as a drunk or someone in recovery. People notice a lot more than you might think. They just choose not to confront you.
Sober-T- Dragon
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Manitoba
Posts: 8,761
In another thread members were discussing lurking - people who read the posts here but don't sign up right away. I didn't sign up until I was week without a drink. Part of the fear of signing up maybe that fear of commitment, similar to telling friends. When it's out your expected to do something about it and that could be scary.
I've only told people, so far, that needed to know.
Anyways, point is if you think you need help, ask, seek it out, sign up, overcome that fear.
I've only told people, so far, that needed to know.
Anyways, point is if you think you need help, ask, seek it out, sign up, overcome that fear.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 1,518
Hi Jeff I love your post and thread and IMO its so very very true what you say .
In January a few days before my brothers funeral our whole family got together as some of us hadn't seen each other for a year or more . The get together was more of a re-bonding session as we didn't just want the funeral day to be our only meeting day . Anyway to the point , when certain siblings or in laws saw I wasn't drinking i made the decision to come clean ,to admit to ALL in the room which was pretty crowded that i am unable to drink anymore as it makes me ill for days or weeks . One Brother who I hadn't seen for about 2 years asked in a sympathetic manner " so do you think you are an alcoholic " and my answer was " Yes , I am an alcoholic and have been for years " . Yes I was embarrased , yes I felt a sense of fear and agitation but it was the best thing i could have done because every one in the room rallied round me with comfort , understanding and words of support . I can assure you there were plenty tears shed that night from both men and Women alike . now I am OUT as an alcoholic to the people that count in my life . I don't however talk about this at work as its not an issue there and in the security industry there is a culture of gossip and negativity at least in my country there is .
Thanks again Brother
Take care
In January a few days before my brothers funeral our whole family got together as some of us hadn't seen each other for a year or more . The get together was more of a re-bonding session as we didn't just want the funeral day to be our only meeting day . Anyway to the point , when certain siblings or in laws saw I wasn't drinking i made the decision to come clean ,to admit to ALL in the room which was pretty crowded that i am unable to drink anymore as it makes me ill for days or weeks . One Brother who I hadn't seen for about 2 years asked in a sympathetic manner " so do you think you are an alcoholic " and my answer was " Yes , I am an alcoholic and have been for years " . Yes I was embarrased , yes I felt a sense of fear and agitation but it was the best thing i could have done because every one in the room rallied round me with comfort , understanding and words of support . I can assure you there were plenty tears shed that night from both men and Women alike . now I am OUT as an alcoholic to the people that count in my life . I don't however talk about this at work as its not an issue there and in the security industry there is a culture of gossip and negativity at least in my country there is .
Thanks again Brother
Take care
Mini Novel Post Writer
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Maine
Posts: 3,649
Originally Posted by teatreeoil007
there is indeed something very liberating when you realize you gotta do what you gotta do and aren't ashamed and frankly don't overly care what other's opinions are about you and your need for sobriety. You live with yourself each and every day. I'd like to think i am compatible with myself....if that makes any sense. The truth will set you free and if people cannot handle the truth that's on them. Way to go.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
"....for the longest time I thought that the worst thing that could happen to a nice guy like me is that I would become an alcoholic. Today, I find it is the best thing that ever happened to me." (p 418 slight paraphrase, BB 4th ed)
This is how I feel. I am proud to be a warrior - one who recovers, every day.
Some of the best people I know- including those with names on buildings, community leaders, public figures, CEOS, as well as "normies" like me who are good people from affluent families, or those from every walk of life- are those I have met in AA. Some I knew before I came into the rooms, and thought very highly of them, and then learned- aha!- they, too, are friends of Bill.
The way I disclose or discuss my alcoholism might vary in the context of a situation, but I am not ashamed. If the "peculiar gift" I have received in sobriety helps a single other person, amen. At minimum, I can do my best to be an example of the kind of person I want to be, my best version.
Shame and guilt don't have stronghold in my sober life. Pride and gratitude do.
This is how I feel. I am proud to be a warrior - one who recovers, every day.
Some of the best people I know- including those with names on buildings, community leaders, public figures, CEOS, as well as "normies" like me who are good people from affluent families, or those from every walk of life- are those I have met in AA. Some I knew before I came into the rooms, and thought very highly of them, and then learned- aha!- they, too, are friends of Bill.
The way I disclose or discuss my alcoholism might vary in the context of a situation, but I am not ashamed. If the "peculiar gift" I have received in sobriety helps a single other person, amen. At minimum, I can do my best to be an example of the kind of person I want to be, my best version.
Shame and guilt don't have stronghold in my sober life. Pride and gratitude do.
Mini Novel Post Writer
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Maine
Posts: 3,649
What people think about me is not a reflection of me, it's a reflection of them.
For the most part I've found that those bothered or those who even give it a second thought are having a hard time confronting their own demons.
I am still somewhat surprised with the stigma attached to addiction. It's definitely dissipating but we have a long way to go.
For the most part I've found that those bothered or those who even give it a second thought are having a hard time confronting their own demons.
I am still somewhat surprised with the stigma attached to addiction. It's definitely dissipating but we have a long way to go.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
Obviously I'm no expert and the purpose of making this post was to try and help even one person overcome fear. I do think age is an issue. If I was in my 20's or early 30's it would be much tougher, but I applaud all the young folks on this forum who have figured it out at such a young age.
I was thinking how I was on a couple occasions laying in bed soaking wet with sweat yet freezing cold, heart pounding, haven't eaten in 30 hours, blood pressure through the roof, scared of everything with the weight of the world on my mind. In those moments I think its pretty valuable to take a deep breath and tell ourselves "I gotta get help, I can't live my life like this (and I don't care who finds out)". As others have mentioned, its scary but liberating.
I was thinking how I was on a couple occasions laying in bed soaking wet with sweat yet freezing cold, heart pounding, haven't eaten in 30 hours, blood pressure through the roof, scared of everything with the weight of the world on my mind. In those moments I think its pretty valuable to take a deep breath and tell ourselves "I gotta get help, I can't live my life like this (and I don't care who finds out)". As others have mentioned, its scary but liberating.
Giving up is NOT an option.
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Western Wisconsin
Posts: 7,809
I was afraid of peoples' judgement at first. But I had also gotten to the point where I think people in my small town were judging my drunk behavior pretty harshly anyway. Not much is a secret here. And I knew people were talking about me behind my back. I didn't imagine it, I KNEW, because it all got back to me. People were even making stuff up. So I pretty quickly realized I had absolutely nothing to lose. And that I had to get all the help I could get - AA, treatment, support from whoever would give it. So I told several people right away. And wow - I was blown away by the support. I'm older, too, and most people I know also are. I do think that makes it someone easier. Where I live, the drinking culture is huge. Pretty much everyone knows someone - family member or friend - who is in recovery. I see people I know ALL THE TIME at AA meetings. I'm not embarrassed by who I am or the fact that I'm an alcoholic. I was much more embarrassed by my public behavior when I was drinking. Now I'm happy to tell people I see who wonder where I've been for the past couple of years - (because they are still sitting in the same bars, on the same barstools) - I say I'm in recovery and don't drink anymore. If they judge me, it's simply not my problem.
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