Delilah1

Welcome to SR!! You will find so much support on this forum. I started drinking around 15, and stopped for good at 45. I have over a year sober, and this site has been my biggest support.

Start by getting rid of any beer you have in the house. I agree with Dee about visiting your doctor, the doctor can also recommend supports I your area.

Two threads I have found really helpful are the 24 hour thread, which is a great place to check in each day and commit to 24 hours sober, it is also a great community of people who check in on each other and support each other through tough times, and celebrations.

Another great thread would be the February 2017 thread, you will find others who have committed or recommitted to sobriety this month, and having people at the same point on their recovery journey is really helpful.

Glad you are here!

MelindaFlowers

I could've written your post. I was waking up every morning with shame and regret. Every day I told myself I wouldn't drink. Every night I'd drink again.

I haven't had a drink in 28 months. Life is much much easier without being hungover or drunk all the time. I never drank in the morning or at work but I started at 5 pm and didn't stop til I was passed out every night.

Please know it's possible to stop.

elnotcho

I do know. My Grandfather stopped after years of abuse. My Grandmother died from an overdose of Alcohol and pills at Age 40. My father won't touch alcohol. He's hounded me my whole life about the dangers of alcohol after seeing his parents go through that. And I still wound up an alcoholic. I'm almost 40 and he's still checking the trashcans. I don't like it. But I know he cares. Good man.

MissPerfumado

I'm another one who would recommend going to see your doctor.

I also held down a job, and hadn't lost anything (yet) but I can identify with the feeling of spiralling out of control. You know that the disaster is coming ... you know you have to stop before it does ... you're barrelling down the track and there's no light at the end, just a brick wall.

That was me. I was 42. When I finally stopped denying how bad things were getting, I made an appointment to see a doctor. I remember sitting in the doctor's room, and just finally coming clean about how much I was drinking. I have a vivid and emotional memory of saying it out loud and feeling immense relief, fear and gratitude all mixed together.

She was great. Completely non-judgmental. She said I had to stop drinking and then made an assessment of whether I needed medical help to stop. Turns out I didn't - but that's a crucial thing a doctor can help with.

I wasn't quite psychologically ready to undergo blood tests but I did take them the following week after a few days' abstinence.

elnotcho, just the very act of finally telling the doctor, made it completely real and final. The last vestiges of my denial were stripped away when I did that. There was no going back to drinking and I was just so relieved to surrender and make a proper start on sobriety. I came back to SR that day and started reading as much as I could. I learned so much from the people here. I am now over a year sober and I can tell you it still moves me to tears to think of that first day and making the first steps to a better life.

STDragon

How are you doing today Elnotcho?

Spacey98

I used to binge drink. I drank a lot of beer and liquor in a short amount of time. When I stopped I had anxiety, anger, sweats and hot flashes. Family and what I thought were friends told me I had a problem. The people who I thought were my friends steered me in wrong direction. One of them gave me a pill told me it would give me an alcohol buzz if I drank a couple beers with it. It almost killed me. Later, I found out that pill was called Antabuse. Another friend gave me a pill called Soboxone said it would help my cravings naively I took it. Later, I would become an addiction to another substance. It is brave of you to post of your drinking. I know here you are safe. I know here nobody will steer you wrong. Please keep coming

Albyalbright

We have nearly identical stories. I'm 38 and have been drinking since I was 16. I'm terrified of the doctor as well. I'm a big guy and binge drink up to a case, but consume 12 almost daily. Drinking helped me come out of my shell as a teen but has now turned me into a recluse. I haven't had a good paying job since the oil bust. What makes my alcoholism even worse is the depression, anxiety and severe hypochondria. We have very similar family histories too.

Mattq2

I can relate so much to what your saying. Nothing catastrophic had happened yet! I felt like I was literally standing with my toes on a line in the sand. Any day I would cross it and I would die drinking. It can all be turned around. One of the most powerful tools and thought processes I learned here was to "play the tape forward". Before you take that drink visualize where it will take you. Visualize what the end result will be as we know the end of the story so well.

You coming here means so much. You can do it.

Dee74

Welcome Albyalbright

You'll find a lot of support here too, Feel free to start your own thread too, if you like

D

elnotcho

Better than yesterday. Warm sunshine in the Carolinas today. Went fishing and had fun. I don't know exactly why I feel better when I get those rays of sunshine, but it definitely makes me feel better. I really enjoy it, no alcohol necessary.

Forward12

You story really mirrors a large number of us with our alcohol problems. It's like the groundhog day movie of doing the same thing over and over every day. Waking up with the shame and regret, promising yourself you're not going to drink again, then once the evening comes, it's right back to the bottle.
Before you know it, years, sometimes decades pass, and you just get sick and tired of wasting your life away on booze.
People do recover every day, and finding a good support system is a great help such as AA, this forum, or even rehab.

Zebra1275

It was hard to even go through the process of signing up for the site. But I'm glad I did. I'm not alone.

You are not.

You will find a lot of support and people who understand, on this website.

You will also find a lot of support and people who understand at an AA meeting if you decide to go to one someday.

elnotcho

Yep, pretty much my story. I didn't know it would go that way when I first started drinking by myself. I had no idea that I would cut myself off from all social things once 5 pm came around. I never thought I would habitually lie to people I love so I can maintain or so they don't worry. Always thinking I could get an angle and eventually stop on my own. I'm sure people do stop on their own everyday. They probably aren't alcoholics. I'm positive that I am an alcoholic. I accepted that quite a while ago. It's the second step that I've struggled with. Asking for help. I'm here at least. But doing that with my family and loved ones is absolutely terrifying. I've been discreetly looking for self help for at least 7 years. It hasn't worked for me. I'm almost ready to come clean and ask for help. It's just very hard to do. Seems like a mountain of a step. I've done it before and regretted it because I was emotional at the time, opened myself up, but really did not want to quit. Then came the phone calls. Loved ones showing up at my house. Catching me in the act. Family members worried sick, spying on me by examining my trash cans. It was an unwelcome intrusion into my life. I know they were trying to help, but that really sucked. And one of the reason I'm not asking for their help right now. I'm very uneasy about going through that again and I don't like feeling like I'm under criminal investigation or to feel like a victim. I still have pride whether I'm an alcoholic or not.

STDragon

I know where your coming from. That pride, needing to do it myself, afraid to ask for help, shame. It's probably one of the big factors that cause me to take so long to get around to it. I needed to show that I could do it before talking about it. Even then, it was a slow process to open up. One of the questions I got was how much was I drinking? How often? I hated that, my answer was enough to know I have a problem, quantity & frequency makes no difference.

Mattq2

The Carolina sunshine and catching a nice redfish always improves my outlook on life😊

Mountainmanbob

For starters possibly attend a few AA meeting, then see if you can get and stay sober and then a doctor appointment with some blood work test.
M-Bob

Forward12

In all honesty, you really don't need to come clean with your family or those closest to you. Often times they don't do much to help, not because they don't care, but because they simply don't understand the addiction unless they've been through it themselves.
However, coming clean to the rooms of AA, a therapist, or other route along those lines is a very helpful thing as these people do understand, and will help you in your journey.

elnotcho

How do you create goals when you had none in the first place? I started drinking in high school and had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. Now my life is drinking work, drinking work. Most important to me is supporting my family. I've relied on alcohol for so long to be my best friend, to make me warm and comfortable, to make me not worry. And I've done that while excelling in college, building a business and creating a really good income for myself. I have a great family who is there for me always. Really no reason at all for me to be an alcoholic. Great job, great family, good income. And I feel like a failure. I'm afraid I'm going to die from my abuse. 39 years old. I have a job that is very fulfilling. But the drive never stops to go home and get blasted. I really do like helping people. It makes me feel good. Going home and pickling myself in alcohol makes me feel like **** late in the night and certainly the next day. Very frustrating.

Dee74

I think in order to bring change you have to make change.

I had no idea of goal, or dreams or even who I was until I'd been sober a few months. I'd been drunk so long, I didn't recognise sober....but gradually a person emerged I remembered as the rel me.

I started by having one sober day then two then three...it wasn't easy - I'd been drinking all day everyday for 5 years and many years of nightly drinking behind that...but I leant on the support here, and I made it happen.

If you have tried and you can't make it happen for yourself maybe you'll have to widen the parameters of what you're prepared to do for your recovery? more posting and reading here, AA or some other meeting based group, Rational Recovery, seeing your Doctor or having addiction counselling, inpatient or outpatient rehab?

whatever it takes.

D

elnotcho

You know the mind of an alcoholic. It's tough to get out of the pattern. I've walled myself off so that I can drink. I used to drink so that I could be social. As I've gotten older, I don't need a buzz to be social. But I have a desire to drink when I'm by myself. I'm really proud of myself for dealing with this massive obstacle and still be productive. But as the problem grows, the more difficult it becomes. How much longer can I fake it? And how much more can my body take it? I wish it were easy. A clean break up would be sweet. But its a nasty divorce for me. I just have to take that extra step and ask for help. For me, that's admitting failure, and uncomfortable as hell. I can do it, am ready to do it, but the pride thing is tough to overcome. Thanks for your support.