SweatyHands

This morning, on my way to work, I stopped off to pick up a tin of cigars. The most convenient place for me to get the cigars I like is a giant liquor store. Now going into a liquor store doesn't bother me. If I thought for one second that it would be problematic for me, I would never even consider going in there. But I have no urge to pick up, so I stop there occasionally for cigars.

This particular liquor store happens to be the nicest one of the 5-6 that were within a short driving distance from my old apartment(where we lived when I was actively drinking). This morning, I got there literally two minutes after the store opened. I was (sadly) not surprised to see that there were 4-5 other people in there, already with items to purchase, when I walked in the door. I suddenly had a little pang of nostalgia for my early morning liquor store trips of the past.

I connected with the sights and sounds and smells of being there at opening, and it made me think about walking in there and seeing all of the potential in the huge selection of beers and wines and liquor. I thought about all of the possibilities for those people who were there shopping.

And then, I saw it. I saw a woman with a nice bottle of wine in one hand, and a box of cheap white wine in the other. And I knew exactly what she was doing. One for show, and one hidden. And then I saw the rack of pints of cheap liquor, and the barrels of nips of vodka. And I suddenly saw through my lie. When I was drinking, I never had any intention of making selections to challenge my refined tastes. I was there to get a few "show" beers, a pint to hide in the bedroom, and a handful of nips to stash in my clothes and bag. I was there at 9:00 in the morning multiple times a week because I was an alcoholic.

As soon as I had that realization, I felt like a 50 pound sand bag had been lifted off of my shoulders. I'm not chained to the opportunity to sneak a drink anymore. I don't have to ration my alcohol until the store opens in the morning. I don't have to play the part and recite my lines to act like I think the cashier doesn't know that I'm an alcoholic.

I am free.

MythOfSisyphus

I hate to go to liquor stores now, not because I'd be tempted but because I see so many people in the boat I used to be in.

Dee74

Thanks for sharing this SH. Bought back some memories for me too.

I actually got to the point where I didn't care what people thought anymore. That was some scary stuff, right there.

D

Mentium

Supermarkets have more or less taken over booze sales here in the UK (though there are still a few booze only shops). I used to juggle what I bought so as not to seem to obviously a problem drinker. I rarely bought a 3 litre wine box AND bottles of wine. If I bought bottles it would be two, so that I would have a backup and often it would be two different labels in some pathetic attempt to look like I was interested in the vintage or region etc. I also always bought food as well, even if I didn't really need any. 'Looks better' somehow. Sheesh. I even used to use different supermarkets most days as if they somehow would notice my consumption!

columbus

I always bought a newspaper when buying my huge amounts of beer at the local gas station. Thought it made me look like a businessman, not a drunk...

Jojay

I used to kid myself that the gut-rot organic cider that I consumed gallons of was 'healthy',as it eas organic!And that the store workers wouldn't think I was an alcoholic...

Mountainmanbob

Once at around 7 AM I parked a company vehicle in the parking lot of a liquor store and went in to buy a 6 pack or 12 pack of beer. As I laid the beer on the counter the clerk actually asked of me, "do you think you really need that?"

Man that remark gave me a resentment.
Liquor store owners and employees are not known to make those comments.
They were alerted by something.

And the drunk thinks that he has them fooled.
But, actually a fool is one who fools themself.

M-Bob

Tonymblue

I was there many a time at 8:00 AM. I knew the business hours of every liquor store on in my town. It is surprising how many people are there at opening. Id do the very same thing. Beers, usually expensive ones, for show and vodka for go. When i quit drinking the back seat of my truck literally had cases of beer in it.

Jojay

The store where I regularly bought cider even thanked me for them being able to place large orders with their supplier...And I still didn't get it that they knew I was an alcoholic...

Adele82

Reading these replies is actually completely picking me up on day 1. Just thinking of some of the mad lengths IV went to especially over the past few months to get my hands on alcohol. I'm in Ireland so I nearly always buy from the supermarket, a different supermarket every day of course and always with food.

Mentium

An additional thing I thought of (as I was vacuuming soberly!), was avoiding staying at friends' or relatives' houses overnight. I rarely if ever drank spirits but a night away required a bottle of vodka at the bottom of my suitcase. Sad really.

manama

I often work at night and around here no alcohol sales before 10am. So I would debate whether I should go home and wait for the magic hour or set my alarm and sleep in my car in the parking lot.

People in the stores were absolutely appalled. So I had to come up with a store rotation so as not to face that judgement. Haha

MLD51

I did most of my drinking in bars - so I didn't really do the liquor store thing that much. But I would purposely rotate from bar to bar so that the bartenders at any one place didn't see too much of me. Toward the end, though, I didn't really care anymore. I mainly stuck to one place, because it was convenient and the few friends I had left all went there. I wasn't fooling anyone.

Forward12

Going to the liquor store was always a depressing experience. Rotating stores to make it seem like I wasn't a drunk. Showing up first thing in the morning to stock up. Getting tons at once and getting "wow, looks like someone is having a party!" remarks more than once where all I can do is think "yes, and I'm the only one invited" Showing up on thanksgiving and christmas day.
Lying and saying "I work the night shift" as to why I was buying booze at 8am,..the walk of shame out the door,... Not fun times, that's for sure.

Kyng

10 am trips to the liqour store are quite known to me. I live in a small town where the liquor store owner will let you start a tab so you can pay him back later. It took me a couple months and half of each paycheck to pay off that debt. When I would go in at 10, I would have full intentions of only drinking a six pack, so thats what I would buy. Then be back an hour later telling him I had buddies over and they drank all my booze...I'm sure he really must think I have alot of friends with no money! Haha
K

Sibirskaya

How familiar. I also go to different stores, although the closest one to me I know every cashier at this point and I have no illusions of what they're thinking of me, except that they don't care, so this is the thing I'm not obsessing about - I have other reasons to be worried. But that feeling at the checkout is always horrible.

SweatyHands

I recall one early Saturday afternoon, I stopped off at the hardware store and realized that I was shaking pretty badly. So I went down the street to get a pint of vodka to take the edge off before I got home. There was a line of college kids in front of me all buying multiple packs of cigarettes, and having quite a bit of trouble figuring out how to pay. Needless to say, I started losing my mind over delaying my "medicine." By the time I got out of the store, I honestly didn't care about the consequences and drained half of the pint on the sidewalk in front of half a dozen "normies." I'm so glad that I never have to go back to that.

Bunting23

I've lingered in the wine section, in order to make it appear that I was contemplating my selection rather than grabbing and running to check out.

butcher70

Towards the end of my drinking days I recall one morning right at legal time to buy beer (8am). It was a weekday and I was in withdrawl so bad I couldn't stand it. Almost throwing up and covered in that awesome detox sweat that I'm sure smells like hell. I had to get a few beers and the only close place was a packed gas station with people getting coffee and gas and getting a start to there work day. I grabbed a six pack and was standing in line as the people in front of me seem to take forever to check out I'm standing there barley with every eye on me.. get to the country get and only have half the price of the six pack in paper money and the rest in change I dug out of my two hundred dollar car..... Damn hands were shaking so bad I kept dropping the change as I was trying to fish it out of my jeans. Got it paid for finally.... Never did know if I handed over enough money or the clerk who clearly knew what was up just said your good to get me out of there. Probably one of the lowest points of my life... Just turned 3 years sober. I think of that morning every time I tell myself I can have "just one". And I how when I left that place I drive around on gravel roads drinking in my pos car trying to hold that first cheap beer down to get the rest down to be able to function enough to earn money to get more and repeat the same cycle again..... Never again.

columbus

Butcher70--

Been there, done that.

Proud, so proud, pulling out my last dollar bill and fumbling with change (all quarters, to make it look like I was a man of means), dropping coins on counter, on floor, struggling to pick 'em up with shaking hands.

Walking past the coffee customers to my POS van.

Thanks for reminding me of what at the time was just another day in the life.

Never again, brother, never again.